Tuesday, February 2, 2016

People make places beautiful, not the other way around

“I find myself having a deep affection for you...the thought of separation brings an immense sadness.
So confusing that after reading these words in my letter along with the Christmas gift, he decides to let me know that he is moving away to Seattle in May. Why he has to tell five months before, when he knows that it is going to give me an immense pain? Why will he do that? It makes me wonder whether he read the letter. What kind of fate is this: I mention those words, and that’s what is happening? I expressed my feelings about separation is because of the fight we had in November, and during that time I searched for a new piano teacher, but I did not pursue for that change as I couldn’t let him go. I don’t want him to go. The thought of not seeing or talking with him forever is unbearable. Who will see me with affectionate eyes? Who will be curious about me or my life? Who will ask me “how are you doing”, or say, “have a nice week”, or “see you soon”, or “see you on Wednesday”, or who will give me glances during the piano classes, or who will care for my opinion, or who will be anxious and excited to see me? Who will be nice with me or give importance to me like him?

This is what he posted during our fight days.

This is what he posted when he decides to forgive me for asking him: why you don't have any plan?

Two years ago, this is what he said: “Everything is going very well and I know it will continue to be a very productive relationship for a long time.
There are going to be only 16 meetings before he goes away to Seattle. Like the way he looks at me, or at one instance, I even noticed sadness when I expressed of going to Las Vegas for winter break. Such a person, how will he survive then? What is he thinking? During that time, he even asked me to share my family picture.
In one crazy sleepless night, I thought about even begging his bf to not take him away. 

That’s why I don’t like to create relationships with anybody. Everybody can so easily move off from someone, just like that. Why can’t I be that person – ruthless or unattached person? That’s why you should not take things from people? Unasked affections or warm feelings or being too nice, will later turn poisonous. People who spread love, don’t stick around, but move away to make you sick later on.

I just don't understand him. Was it all in my head, or he had feelings for me, or is he just a selfish person, who cannot see beyond himself?
 I feel so bad that things would have worked so well, but in every angle it flopped so badly. We all as a team, would have won piano competitions together, and with that success, we would have leaned towards a strong bond. I never had any male bonding before. I enjoyed his attention over me, but just like that, I will be deprived from his attention. Our every week get together won’t happen anymore. Wish I could get a peek into his brain. Do we see things differently? Did I analyze him wrong? Will he be okay without seeing me? Definitely this week, and many summer weeks, he was fine without having any communication with me.

In terms of music education to my kids, and for really to receive and achieve something in the music world with the money we spent on piano classes, his departure is better. But personally concerning to my heart, I will be the loser. Am I? Maybe not, as he is gay, and the things which I notice in him towards me, may not even be true. So in that sense, his departure is good in every way. I will not be in some illusion. Who will forget to register kids in a competition, or who will suddenly decide not to do the concerto competition, just because he screwed up without having any lesson plans, and the worst is not even feel guilty about it. In contrast, planning and preparing for his half-marathon trips, his other endless trips…just totally engrossed in his own life, like as he is doing a free service to us. Now, if his talk is true, I may even get a sincere award winning teacher for my kids who can make wonders, especially for my son who is genuinely good.

I know he gives these extended classes every week, but why? Is it because he loves teaching my kids, or is it because he wants to spend some extra time with me, or is it because he doesn’t want to go home soon? Living becomes easier if we communicate our intentions properly. But we don’t communicate our intentions properly, is because of feeling uncertainty. Self-doubting is the main cause.

I thought I’m going to meet him today, but it's not going to happen. I wanted to take some time and talk with him directly by saying I don’t want you to go to Seattle. I know you have plans for your life. I don’t want to be a spoilsport, but truly I’m going to miss you. In personal level, I will feel your absence. The way you glance towards me, the way you talk with me, the way you love to share your thoughts, and many other things, the way you love to hear about what’s happening in my life…all indicates that you like me a lot. That you give a great value to me. You open door for me, you ask about my well-being, you offer expresso...the subtle things which you do makes me feel special. If what I saw was so true, then why now, why to leave. You said that it will be hard for you to not see us for two months when we were leaving for India, but now you are planning to move permanently forever. You laid a good foundation for kids, it is time to reap the benefits. You know I always wished you to be part of their musical journey. And you said that this will be long productive relationship. It is really so heart breaking—everything was going well, prospects were so high, plans were laid out, we both like each other (maybe a lot), but at the end, the whole thing feels like temporary.  It looks like you never made any connection. It looks like we were part of some temporary gig. Promise me that if you ever doubt about your move, please give a serious thought of staying for at least one more year. If even after a year, you still don’t feel good of staying in Dallas, I will not request you to stay. 

But then I thought, I should not be talking all these with him. He is a senior professor after all. If he never felt close like the way I felt, like the way I interpreted his moves, he will be shocked.

One day suddenly in the night, my brain takes me to the opposite direction, where I find myself thinking that he might have just lied to see my reaction, to find whether I truly be immensely sad. But then I confidently doubt that he will do such a thing. He always, always tells the truth.

My next theory about his exiting to Seattle is he is just selfish. He just cannot see anybody, other than himself and his needs. All that time spending with me was just to time pass or whatever the reasons, which he only knows. Otherwise, who on Earth will tell about his moving plans when I personally gave the letter talking about how the thought of separation gives me an immense pain.

At the end, everything happens for a reason. In November and December, I did not know how to solve this issue. I couldn't let him go due to my crazy affection, but now he's the one who decided to relocate and leave us behind.  Thereby solving the whole issue. 

Sometimes I feel, he is leaving to Seattle to finally settle with his bf is because of my words: "why you don't plan?"