Thursday, January 28, 2016

Asusual, I gave all of me

 He is moving to Seattle, leaving me and going away. Why I don’t matter to anybody? Why I feel pain for everybody who crosses my path, when no one in return feels the same?
Things which he did
Things which he was not supposed to do
Gave me a lot of attention even though he was gay. During the class, he always looks at me. In the first year, he used to have twinkle in his eye, whenever he looked at me. He used to show anxiousness to see me. How do I know? The way he used to open the door and pop out with great zeal of enthusiasm. He used to ask me how my weekend was.
Never showed any kind of interest or encouraged or leaned me in to believe that he is attracted to me through messages or email.
He was the first and the only guy in the world who said “I like you.”

Remember to Indians, love has no meaning. It is all about responsibilities.
Never looked like he observed my looks or my dress. Maybe 4 times, I felt he noticed in our 100 + meetings.
He even showed interest in walking along with me to the car. Once I saw him like a teenager desperately packing his stuff to join me to walk up to the parking lot. That incident raised questions about his gayness.
Once he even forgot to unlock the key as he completely forgot that I was coming to college that day.

I would have never fine such a thing as I think every second.
When I was leaving for India, he said, "it is too hard for him to not see us for two months." And now he has no problem in leaving me forever.
Even forgot to enroll kids in competitions.

Again, I would have never done such a thing as he was always my top priority.
He even found out the time I’ll be at the airport so that he can come to handover the harmony book to my son. 
Once we had a fight, and he was okay to be bad/mean with me.

But after seeing that I really care for him, he softened and was extremely nice again.
This year, especially during one class, he kept on looking at me, and was so unfocussed that I thought oh my god, I’m disturbing the class.
Has no problem letting me know that he is gay as he sent an annual newsletter during Christmas time about his household affairs.
This year, few odd days he was so into me, constantly looking at me – I smile and then he smiles, and few days, without any apparent reason, he maintained distance.
Ignored so many times my emails and twice my messages like I mean nothing.

But once when I complained about how disrespectal that is, he made sure to always reply promptly.
Last year, when I was so into him, and was very anxious during the class, and was kind of dull as I did not know what to do with the feelings I was developing for him when I know that he is totally gay.  He asked me, "are you okay?"
I noticed the same kind of anxiousness on his face this year. It used to be like, so many thoughts running over his head, but couldn't find a way to communicate with me.

All these are not made up as after we had a fight I did not notice for couple of months, kindness, or warmthness in his eyes when he looked at me. 
Felt like he always wanted to make me his facebook friend, where he declared in his profile that he is in relationship with his bf.

He has no problem to tell about truth about his life. 
This year he even asked what I was reading during the class, and even tried to talk other topics other than music, but I did not encourage him as I was nervous and has actually made up my mind to maintain distance from him after he did not show up at the airport when I left for India. That day my heart broke.
Never gave me any kind of gift. But offered me espresso once.
He always asks me how I’m doing.  And opens door like a gentleman.
This year even though I wanted to see the show with him, he declined by saying that he has to prepare for the bookclub, but it looked like he waited for me in the parking lot and in that way we both walked side by side for two blocks in Fortworth.
On the same day, he asked my plans for lunch. Not 100% sure, whether he wanted to have lunch with me, but as usual my brain thinks he may have thought to go out with me.
Always taught overtime. Maybe sometimes, even gave 30 extra minutes. And kept his calander empty after our class. 
For the first time this year, he asked me for my family picture.
I know for 100% that he has no feelings for me. That’s the truth. It just doesn’t matter what he did during the class or when we met as I know to my heart, if he had feelings, things would have been different. A gay man’s brain cannot be tuned.
It is really not fair on part of God, to make me, the Indian woman, to meet this eligible bachelor who being gay, kind of showed a lot of interest in me, who was totally like a gentleman, asking about my welfare, opening the door, to be anxious to see me, it all looked like two teenagers having feelings for each other, but in the end where not able to let it out.
Bye to one more saga of my life. Here I’m stuck in loveless marriage, no career, no friends, he was the only spark I had for two and half years. Every week, i looked for Wednesday. Day in and day out, I spent time by gawking at his Facebook. Made myself involved in him so much, that now I’m like fish without water. I want to request him not to leave me alone. 
I scrutinized every move of his towards me as something favorable for me. Even when things looked bleak, or even when I am not in the picture of some of the events of his life, my brain gave me every hope and involved me in every move of his even when the events had nothing to do with me. APPLAUSE!!

Now for sure, I know that I fall for any opposite sex who gives attention to me. No one till now showed that really care for me, honestly 100%. I definitely know mine is not love, but what is it that pains. Because to my heart his face to face actions looks like he really really cares, but once I'm out of the picture, I'm out.

I even read articles about possibility of gay guy falling in love with a woman. To my surprise, there is a possibility. Recently, NYT modern love stories, featured a gay guy marrying his best straight girl friend.

Yesterday, when he talked about his plans, I never saw sadness in him. He loves his partner, and he is very happy with him. He doesn’t need me. He is a free man. Sometimes it felt like he was questioning his gayness. I excused his unplanned teaching week after week, because I couldn't manage the thought of losing him, but that's not the case with him. No pain to lose me.

As usual, it is all my fault for my misery. But for sure, God too played his role. 

This was my Christmas message to him in December:

I find myself having a deep affection for you...the thought of separation brings an immense sadness.

So here is for the hope:

I hope our affection for each other on any given day overtakes the differences which arise from time to time.

I hope our love for music which made us to meet each other wins over on any other interests gaining in.

I hope we achieve success that encourages us to be on this course,   and makes this emotional/musical  journey worthwhile.

With all my heart, wishing you happiness, peace, love and success throughout this holiday season and beyond.

This is what I typed in my apple notes after giving the gift and the card during the class:

We are going to dislike each other. That's how it is. Accept! He gives pain, that's his job. 

I'm such an idiot! God please help me! Don't give my letter to him. He doesn't deserve. Maybe both don't deserve. Why the beep you think he has time for you to solve issues? His true color is popping up. I'm just one more client, paying money for his job. Looks like hubby is right. Rip off, don't get attached. I should be able to go wherever there are people who don't give me pain.

All I wish is, for him to acknowledge love or care for me, just once, that I meant something, but just acting like I'm nothing and not say one word about me is heartbreaking. I never till now heard from any guy about love for me, and that I mean a lot to them. I think it will be the greatest day in my life. I wish he fulfills my wish.

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