Tuesday, February 2, 2016

People make places beautiful, not the other way around

“I find myself having a deep affection for you...the thought of separation brings an immense sadness.
So confusing that after reading these words in my letter along with the Christmas gift, he decides to let me know that he is moving away to Seattle in May. Why he has to tell five months before, when he knows that it is going to give me an immense pain? Why will he do that? It makes me wonder whether he read the letter. What kind of fate is this: I mention those words, and that’s what is happening? I expressed my feelings about separation is because of the fight we had in November, and during that time I searched for a new piano teacher, but I did not pursue for that change as I couldn’t let him go. I don’t want him to go. The thought of not seeing or talking with him forever is unbearable. Who will see me with affectionate eyes? Who will be curious about me or my life? Who will ask me “how are you doing”, or say, “have a nice week”, or “see you soon”, or “see you on Wednesday”, or who will give me glances during the piano classes, or who will care for my opinion, or who will be anxious and excited to see me? Who will be nice with me or give importance to me like him?

This is what he posted during our fight days.

This is what he posted when he decides to forgive me for asking him: why you don't have any plan?

Two years ago, this is what he said: “Everything is going very well and I know it will continue to be a very productive relationship for a long time.
There are going to be only 16 meetings before he goes away to Seattle. Like the way he looks at me, or at one instance, I even noticed sadness when I expressed of going to Las Vegas for winter break. Such a person, how will he survive then? What is he thinking? During that time, he even asked me to share my family picture.
In one crazy sleepless night, I thought about even begging his bf to not take him away. 

That’s why I don’t like to create relationships with anybody. Everybody can so easily move off from someone, just like that. Why can’t I be that person – ruthless or unattached person? That’s why you should not take things from people? Unasked affections or warm feelings or being too nice, will later turn poisonous. People who spread love, don’t stick around, but move away to make you sick later on.

I just don't understand him. Was it all in my head, or he had feelings for me, or is he just a selfish person, who cannot see beyond himself?
 I feel so bad that things would have worked so well, but in every angle it flopped so badly. We all as a team, would have won piano competitions together, and with that success, we would have leaned towards a strong bond. I never had any male bonding before. I enjoyed his attention over me, but just like that, I will be deprived from his attention. Our every week get together won’t happen anymore. Wish I could get a peek into his brain. Do we see things differently? Did I analyze him wrong? Will he be okay without seeing me? Definitely this week, and many summer weeks, he was fine without having any communication with me.

In terms of music education to my kids, and for really to receive and achieve something in the music world with the money we spent on piano classes, his departure is better. But personally concerning to my heart, I will be the loser. Am I? Maybe not, as he is gay, and the things which I notice in him towards me, may not even be true. So in that sense, his departure is good in every way. I will not be in some illusion. Who will forget to register kids in a competition, or who will suddenly decide not to do the concerto competition, just because he screwed up without having any lesson plans, and the worst is not even feel guilty about it. In contrast, planning and preparing for his half-marathon trips, his other endless trips…just totally engrossed in his own life, like as he is doing a free service to us. Now, if his talk is true, I may even get a sincere award winning teacher for my kids who can make wonders, especially for my son who is genuinely good.

I know he gives these extended classes every week, but why? Is it because he loves teaching my kids, or is it because he wants to spend some extra time with me, or is it because he doesn’t want to go home soon? Living becomes easier if we communicate our intentions properly. But we don’t communicate our intentions properly, is because of feeling uncertainty. Self-doubting is the main cause.

I thought I’m going to meet him today, but it's not going to happen. I wanted to take some time and talk with him directly by saying I don’t want you to go to Seattle. I know you have plans for your life. I don’t want to be a spoilsport, but truly I’m going to miss you. In personal level, I will feel your absence. The way you glance towards me, the way you talk with me, the way you love to share your thoughts, and many other things, the way you love to hear about what’s happening in my life…all indicates that you like me a lot. That you give a great value to me. You open door for me, you ask about my well-being, you offer expresso...the subtle things which you do makes me feel special. If what I saw was so true, then why now, why to leave. You said that it will be hard for you to not see us for two months when we were leaving for India, but now you are planning to move permanently forever. You laid a good foundation for kids, it is time to reap the benefits. You know I always wished you to be part of their musical journey. And you said that this will be long productive relationship. It is really so heart breaking—everything was going well, prospects were so high, plans were laid out, we both like each other (maybe a lot), but at the end, the whole thing feels like temporary.  It looks like you never made any connection. It looks like we were part of some temporary gig. Promise me that if you ever doubt about your move, please give a serious thought of staying for at least one more year. If even after a year, you still don’t feel good of staying in Dallas, I will not request you to stay. 

But then I thought, I should not be talking all these with him. He is a senior professor after all. If he never felt close like the way I felt, like the way I interpreted his moves, he will be shocked.

One day suddenly in the night, my brain takes me to the opposite direction, where I find myself thinking that he might have just lied to see my reaction, to find whether I truly be immensely sad. But then I confidently doubt that he will do such a thing. He always, always tells the truth.

My next theory about his exiting to Seattle is he is just selfish. He just cannot see anybody, other than himself and his needs. All that time spending with me was just to time pass or whatever the reasons, which he only knows. Otherwise, who on Earth will tell about his moving plans when I personally gave the letter talking about how the thought of separation gives me an immense pain.

At the end, everything happens for a reason. In November and December, I did not know how to solve this issue. I couldn't let him go due to my crazy affection, but now he's the one who decided to relocate and leave us behind.  Thereby solving the whole issue. 

Sometimes I feel, he is leaving to Seattle to finally settle with his bf is because of my words: "why you don't plan?"

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Asusual, I gave all of me

 He is moving to Seattle, leaving me and going away. Why I don’t matter to anybody? Why I feel pain for everybody who crosses my path, when no one in return feels the same?
Things which he did
Things which he was not supposed to do
Gave me a lot of attention even though he was gay. During the class, he always looks at me. In the first year, he used to have twinkle in his eye, whenever he looked at me. He used to show anxiousness to see me. How do I know? The way he used to open the door and pop out with great zeal of enthusiasm. He used to ask me how my weekend was.
Never showed any kind of interest or encouraged or leaned me in to believe that he is attracted to me through messages or email.
He was the first and the only guy in the world who said “I like you.”

Remember to Indians, love has no meaning. It is all about responsibilities.
Never looked like he observed my looks or my dress. Maybe 4 times, I felt he noticed in our 100 + meetings.
He even showed interest in walking along with me to the car. Once I saw him like a teenager desperately packing his stuff to join me to walk up to the parking lot. That incident raised questions about his gayness.
Once he even forgot to unlock the key as he completely forgot that I was coming to college that day.

I would have never fine such a thing as I think every second.
When I was leaving for India, he said, "it is too hard for him to not see us for two months." And now he has no problem in leaving me forever.
Even forgot to enroll kids in competitions.

Again, I would have never done such a thing as he was always my top priority.
He even found out the time I’ll be at the airport so that he can come to handover the harmony book to my son. 
Once we had a fight, and he was okay to be bad/mean with me.

But after seeing that I really care for him, he softened and was extremely nice again.
This year, especially during one class, he kept on looking at me, and was so unfocussed that I thought oh my god, I’m disturbing the class.
Has no problem letting me know that he is gay as he sent an annual newsletter during Christmas time about his household affairs.
This year, few odd days he was so into me, constantly looking at me – I smile and then he smiles, and few days, without any apparent reason, he maintained distance.
Ignored so many times my emails and twice my messages like I mean nothing.

But once when I complained about how disrespectal that is, he made sure to always reply promptly.
Last year, when I was so into him, and was very anxious during the class, and was kind of dull as I did not know what to do with the feelings I was developing for him when I know that he is totally gay.  He asked me, "are you okay?"
I noticed the same kind of anxiousness on his face this year. It used to be like, so many thoughts running over his head, but couldn't find a way to communicate with me.

All these are not made up as after we had a fight I did not notice for couple of months, kindness, or warmthness in his eyes when he looked at me. 
Felt like he always wanted to make me his facebook friend, where he declared in his profile that he is in relationship with his bf.

He has no problem to tell about truth about his life. 
This year he even asked what I was reading during the class, and even tried to talk other topics other than music, but I did not encourage him as I was nervous and has actually made up my mind to maintain distance from him after he did not show up at the airport when I left for India. That day my heart broke.
Never gave me any kind of gift. But offered me espresso once.
He always asks me how I’m doing.  And opens door like a gentleman.
This year even though I wanted to see the show with him, he declined by saying that he has to prepare for the bookclub, but it looked like he waited for me in the parking lot and in that way we both walked side by side for two blocks in Fortworth.
On the same day, he asked my plans for lunch. Not 100% sure, whether he wanted to have lunch with me, but as usual my brain thinks he may have thought to go out with me.
Always taught overtime. Maybe sometimes, even gave 30 extra minutes. And kept his calander empty after our class. 
For the first time this year, he asked me for my family picture.
I know for 100% that he has no feelings for me. That’s the truth. It just doesn’t matter what he did during the class or when we met as I know to my heart, if he had feelings, things would have been different. A gay man’s brain cannot be tuned.
It is really not fair on part of God, to make me, the Indian woman, to meet this eligible bachelor who being gay, kind of showed a lot of interest in me, who was totally like a gentleman, asking about my welfare, opening the door, to be anxious to see me, it all looked like two teenagers having feelings for each other, but in the end where not able to let it out.
Bye to one more saga of my life. Here I’m stuck in loveless marriage, no career, no friends, he was the only spark I had for two and half years. Every week, i looked for Wednesday. Day in and day out, I spent time by gawking at his Facebook. Made myself involved in him so much, that now I’m like fish without water. I want to request him not to leave me alone. 
I scrutinized every move of his towards me as something favorable for me. Even when things looked bleak, or even when I am not in the picture of some of the events of his life, my brain gave me every hope and involved me in every move of his even when the events had nothing to do with me. APPLAUSE!!

Now for sure, I know that I fall for any opposite sex who gives attention to me. No one till now showed that really care for me, honestly 100%. I definitely know mine is not love, but what is it that pains. Because to my heart his face to face actions looks like he really really cares, but once I'm out of the picture, I'm out.

I even read articles about possibility of gay guy falling in love with a woman. To my surprise, there is a possibility. Recently, NYT modern love stories, featured a gay guy marrying his best straight girl friend.


Yesterday, when he talked about his plans, I never saw sadness in him. He loves his partner, and he is very happy with him. He doesn’t need me. He is a free man. Sometimes it felt like he was questioning his gayness. I excused his unplanned teaching week after week, because I couldn't manage the thought of losing him, but that's not the case with him. No pain to lose me.

As usual, it is all my fault for my misery. But for sure, God too played his role. 

This was my Christmas message to him in December:

I find myself having a deep affection for you...the thought of separation brings an immense sadness.

So here is for the hope:

I hope our affection for each other on any given day overtakes the differences which arise from time to time.

I hope our love for music which made us to meet each other wins over on any other interests gaining in.

I hope we achieve success that encourages us to be on this course,   and makes this emotional/musical  journey worthwhile.

With all my heart, wishing you happiness, peace, love and success throughout this holiday season and beyond.

This is what I typed in my apple notes after giving the gift and the card during the class:

We are going to dislike each other. That's how it is. Accept! He gives pain, that's his job. 

I'm such an idiot! God please help me! Don't give my letter to him. He doesn't deserve. Maybe both don't deserve. Why the beep you think he has time for you to solve issues? His true color is popping up. I'm just one more client, paying money for his job. Looks like hubby is right. Rip off, don't get attached. I should be able to go wherever there are people who don't give me pain.

All I wish is, for him to acknowledge love or care for me, just once, that I meant something, but just acting like I'm nothing and not say one word about me is heartbreaking. I never till now heard from any guy about love for me, and that I mean a lot to them. I think it will be the greatest day in my life. I wish he fulfills my wish.