Friday, December 18, 2015

His insensitivity, My indecisiveness

Everything slowly, but surely drifting away. The thought of separation makes me immensely sad, but I think everything I feared in May 14th 2014 email is coming true.

"Warning:  It is going to be a long read. 


I bet you had a great day yesterday. Well, I couldn't stop smiling the whole day. I was so up in the sky...didn't want to come down. We were outside for the whole between reminisced the best of everything. 

One of the major source of happiness is you. If I said to someone that I want a talented, knowledgable teacher who is sincere and passionate about teaching, good communicator, gives top priority to kids growth, immaculately plans and prioritizes according to kid's skill,  if I needed help, sincerely support us in between classes, even on weekends, and really listen to what I've to say related to music or to my kids, or any general view, and give totally high regard to my wishes, and almost certain of getting it done then everybody would have suggested; you're not being realistic; you'll never find such an unselfish, consolidated  person. I couldn't have dreamed a better person than you as even dreams have limits based on experiences and not knowing the boundaries of human kindness.

I don't know how to say - giving  importance to everything I say(almost) or anything I wish(almost)...your thoughtful way of executing and sincerely making sure of things I wished it to happen, and that too can I be so lucky to find such a sweet- sweet person....touch wood...rapport between us is what making things go so smoothly and successfully, and of course you being so flexible and willingness to listen to others need/desire.  In such a shorter duration to have such a deeper connection is unimaginable.  If I become emotional for my kids' performance, there is nothing special, but for you to become emotional in such a shorter span depicts our special connection, and the valuable, unselfish time you invested in their progress.

Yesterday's duet would have not been possible, if you were not flexible and open minded, but there you are, just within few days came up with the best piece for them to learn, and planned so well for it to work flawlessly.

Are we in honeymoon phase where we both are so amicable, and wonderful (few hiccups here and there..haha), or are we really going to be forever like this, truly a great team?

Sometimes I feel like I don't even have to communicate, you just know what I wish to say. It is just that I don't have patience to wait. Haha....Otherwise, I am sure of experiencing Sonata or Invention type surprises, which I loved it dearly.

Wish I could take it for granted. Well, I know things won't work that way. I just wish that you remain forever like the way you're now. May the best understanding and wisdom prevail between us. All these goodness you bestow on us is not because we are still in beginning stages when usually understanding will be rosy, temperament will be under control, and things or people will look much more interesting. It is not that I'm undermining you as a person, I'm talking in general of how humans function.

Yes,  I'm very well aware that you're the matured one among us. You exactly know how to react and how to balance, and you have lot of experience in dealing with people.

You're a sincere teacher with lot of patience, and vast knowledge to share. It is really a joy to watch you teaching. 

Sorry, we did not get a chance to say bye to each other yesterday. I know I cut you off when you were trying to say something related to videos, and in that process, I missed out to hear your thoughts. Well, that happens whenever I'm  in ecstatic mood...haha...

We are the best combo ever, don't you think? 

This is what is called as being at a right place at a right time with the right person.

Everything I wished and beyond is within you. Not to boast, but my son is the best student any  teacher can ever ask for, but with your sincerity, in depth knowledge, passion for your work and being a good communicator, and with his hard work, sincerity and 100% reliable,  both are so perfectly matched.  I know my daughter is trying to inch towards to close the gap to reach to your expectation level of performance.

I don't know why I find it so easy to communicate and share with you whatever I exactly feel like. Maybe deep down I think that you are okay with my long emails..haha.

Pardon my long email as you're the source of my happiness, I've to let you know.

Looking forward to see you on Wednesday.

Thank you for everything!!"

Everything I praised about him has gone. No sincereity, no planning, no enjoyment in students growth...he is just somewhere in his own dream world. 

How did things change just like that. Let me tell you his plan...
Trip to Mexico for new year (should not matter as it is during holidays)
In Jan, weekend trip to Disney for half marathon race.
Again in Jan, self healing trip to Whidbey island from Wednesday to Sunday.
Again in Feb, romantic trip with his boyfriend during weekdays.

He has no shame to let me know all these plans after canceling a piano concerto competition. All he cares is teaching thirty classes...without thinking about the purpose. How can someone be so insensitive. Why can't I quit? Why I'm so indecisive? Why can't I confront?

I feel the whole thing was bogus from the start. I just did not see it then. 
I just can't believe that he is the same person about whom I was so gaga few weeks ago in my blog. How did things become so bad? I thought he likes me 100%... I thought he never gets offended to whatever I say. How can I be so dumb? Why do people hate me? 

Bye to one more person who once I thought was my friend. Welcome to one more person who thinks I'm just a speck of dust. Well, for sure one more time it proved that what I see with my eyes are not to be trusted, because I guess my mind manipulates and conceals the red flags. I think everything is rose when it is not. Because he is a guy, my mind twisted every move of his as love for me, even though he is gay. All this pain is the consequence of taking every minute thing to some kind of deep affection for me, even though I was reading simultaneously that gays will not deter in their motives. They will love only their type. 

I want to run away, go away from this world. I'm not suitable for this world.