Friday, September 18, 2015

What is love....senseless feelings...don't believe them

His stare...oh yes, his stare...makes me feel so special like as if I'm some delicate beauty...don't know what his internal feellings are....but I'm melting away everyday. I'm craving for his decent touch, maybe a slight kiss. Taboo, taboo, taboo...I should not be thinking in such a way. But I want to feel the love, the admiration of the opposite sex. Recently, he started noticing what I wear, but otherwise he always only interlocks his eyes with mine. He gazes and gives me a gentle smile, which lets me know that he has so many thoughts in his brain, but cannot say anything outside.

I've this cute sleeveless slightly lowcut dress...nothing special, but it makes me look sexy. I tried to wear today for a happy hour rendezvous with my husband, but I did not feel comfortable at all to wear this lowcut dress as my husband doesn't look at me adoringly as this guy. When this guy looks at me, I feel so confident. I really really love to wear this dress for him instead for my husband. Don't ask me why...but whenever I put this dress for him, I get this huge smile on my face and my face starts glowing with shyness and confidence, and it is all just thinking about him looking at me. 

I know I'm messed up. This guy is  a gay guy. How can it be possible? I definitely might be reading all wrong. But why does he look at me so adoringly, which is causing all kinds of confusion in my brain? Does he want to look like me or what,  Or do I generate bisexual feelings in him? But his path is sinuous path, I should stay away from him. But these feelings...the nervousness I feel before seeing him every week, scares me up so much. I don't want to get hurt, or screw up my kids piano learning. Praying God that I should not rely on opposite sex's attention to feel good about myself. I swear when my kids were born, I was all into kids and family, no other world, but from 2008 things turned weird. I started craving for opposite sex's attention.

Right now, I'm sobbing and want to text him as I have not communicated with him from Wednesday. That's killing me. In the middle of last night, I thought to send hi to him. What the hell is wrong with me? Weirdly, texting in the night did not sound abnormal at all during that time. But when I woke up, I was like...are you an idiot to even think of texting him? Luckily, morning I did not feel the urge. But now, I'm in the same boat. I'm so many times reminding myself that he is gay, he is gay, he is gay....he doesn't care about you. If he wanted, he had an opportunity to meet me on Sunday as my kids had piano rehearsals for an awesome collabrative team concert. But he did not show up as he would have gone for Dallas LGBT parade. I'm reading all these bullshit articles about how do you know if someone likes you...almost all of the list, he covers it, other than ever doing triangle type staring or accidentally touching my shoulders.

This time I won't trust my feelings. I'll fall for any guy who looks decent and shows attention on me. So hell no, I'll not fall for my feelings. They are just stupid, senseless s*** to make me look like a moron.

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