Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Things can change in the blink of an eye

One day I was singing....

I said anything can happen,
They said this can never happen 
A gay man will never fall for a woman
But I always believed it can happen;

He has feelings for me,
He is going to change for me, 
he believes in love; oh its love

I said anything can happen,
They said this can never happen 
A gay man will never fall for a woman
But I always believed it can happen;

Look at him staring at me, 
look at him becoming anxious, 
look at him all so nervous; oh it's love

He has feelings for me,
He is going to change for me, 
he believes in love; oh its love

.......…………………...............................

That's how I sang all over the house. I truly truly believed in...searched on google--is it possible for a gay man to fall in love with a woman? How do guys show when they like a girl? Why men one day be nice and the other day be cold? Body language patterns of someone liking someone.

Things looked so obvious that omg, it finally happened. Couldn't sleep at all...tossed on the bed, made love to my husband as I was happy -- yes, finally someone is in love with me. I wanted to dress womanly. I wanted to look pretty. I was feeling oh so special. 

But next day, weeeee...down, totally down. Why will a gay man fall for a woman? Questioned myself about my theories. Someone can love the face for awhile, but at the end they will try to find a true substance, wisdom in that person--what ambitions does she have? What is she special at? Can she make intelligent conversations? 

Why will he screw up his fifteen years of relationship? They both understand each other and like to do the same things with their body. If he looks around, he can find so many pretty women with lighter skin, blue or grey eyes, with straightened teeth....so why will he choose this married Indian person? Has he created some kind of emotional bond with me? Is there a scope of love in between us or am I reading totally wrong about this gay man? 

The other day when we met to attend a master class with his teacher, he sat beside me, but in between so many times he glanced and gave a quick smile. He even noticed my bare legs. I was so nervous under his watchful eyes. He is totally playing with my head. 

I asked myself, do you want him to fall in love with you. I said to myself, "yes yes yes." 

Will you promise that you won't break his heart? Will you suddenly not lose interest in him? Will he become cheap in your eyes? I thought for a second, " no I won't break his heart. Yes, I want his love. 

But why, he is not even young? He smiles so weirdly, won't that freak you out? All his gay behavior, won't that bother you. 
I just want him to like me. No, I don't need it to be sexual. Just have an interest over me, talk and share thoughts with me....maybe I'll get bored or find him uninteresting, once I find him desperate for me. So I guess it won't work. I want it until I get it, and once I get it,.....crying...I will lose its value. That's how my brain works.

Yesterday, after class he waited for me to speak something, but I did not initiate as I did not know what to speak. There is always this anticipation for something in my head thar causes tension whenever I meet him.

Damn, I was so emotional yesterday after the class. Is it in my head or is he going through the same emotions as me? There is so much pain between us, and I don't know why things are just not smooth like before. what is even there to be complicated. He is gay, and I'm married, so what's the big deal. Why can't we be awesome friends? 

Today morning, I felt like sending a text to ask about his welfare. Even thought of calling him over the phone after seeing him making friendship with a gay psychiatrist who is a specialist for depression. But the thing is how can I help him when my brain itself is not working properly. I've my own issues. If I'm contacting him over this issue, is it because I need his attention and I'm making excuses to call or text, or do I really feel for his dullness? Is he really dull ? Am I using him for my advantage? That's why I decided for him to take action if I'm the root cause of his sorrow. Saying that itself, my brain says", look at you, whom do you think yourself as, for a gay man to have emotional problems because of you.

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