Friday, September 11, 2015

Fool's paradise

There are so many up and down moments within my brain for the same situation with the same people who exist in my life.

The problem with me is I've so much time to kill, nothing seriously to look forward, from the time I wake up. So here I go analyzing gay person's motives. Really, I've no business of needing his love towards me, but God, my brain spins stories for every event related to him, even though there is nothing which says that he is deviating from his gayness.

Four very rare incidents happened which are related to the music gay teacher ( argh, I hate to say he is gay):

1. He is spending his weekend time to show off kids skills to a famous pianist. First time ever, otherwise, he always used weekends for paid classes only.
2. Even though for group classes, he will be there in the same building, he never plans to meet, but this time it happened. He waited for an hour for class to get over to meet. Oh my gosh, that is like wow for me, because I always used to get upset within myself that how uninterested he is over me. All due to his gayness, argh!!
3. He always used to show curiosity in what my kids are reading, but never in mine. I was like, oh god, why he has to be gay!! Hmmm...but in previous class, he asked me what I'm reading. Yes! Yes! Yes! Finaaaalllllly!!!
4. His first praise towards me, which  made my heart stop for a beat. He said, " you're amazing", for forwarding my kids' schedule. Past two years, never ever praised me for anything.

He took care of parking arrangements so that from on we can park closer to the entrance, and especially to his parking lot. That means after every class, we will walk together to our individual cars.

I don't know why these are all happening after I spent two months in India, not even contacted him once during those two months.

Prior to summer, he said it will be difficult for him to let go off us for two months, but he said he will understand about why we want to spend time in India. During that time, he asked me about my departure timings in the pretext of handing over the harmony book to my son as he wants him to work while traveling on the plane, instead of idling for so many hours, but to my greatest disappointment, he never turned up. I felt like crying so much, because no one ever made me feel that they are going to miss me when I'm gone. It would have been the most amazing moment of my life if he would have turned up. When he showed his desire to come to the airport, I just blurted out by saying, "that's funny."
when I texted him about whether he is coming to handover the book, he portrayed like...he had no idea that I was traveling that day. That book yet has not been delivered by the publisher, and I should send my Indian address for him to mail the book. I just ignored the message completely. That time I came to decision that he will always disappoint people. His words are not to be trusted, until it becomes reality.

I thought that these gays act friendly and be overly fine with women is just to get their attention for fun. To enjoy the woman's desperation towards them. And of course many boring wife's who wants thrill in their life, chase the gays to erase the loneliness. I thought he is also playing games or acting like as if he is an elegible bachelore when the truth is he is the least eligible person on Earth.

Recently after my trip when I met him too, I never showed any disappointment towards him, but I know he missed us a lot. In our first class, he asked about my trip details, and asked specifically whether I travelled  all around India. Later, I realized why he asked that question. He wanted to know whether I purposefully did not give him my Indian address.

In the second class, he was so much into me--watching me meticulously, engaging me in conversations, and listening to me enthusiastically. Later, I thought omg, what a distraction I'm. If this goes on, my kids can never win any piano competition.

After these new developments, I started googling about whether a gay man can fall in love with a woman, and to my astonishment, many gay men agreed of falling in LOVE WITH A WOMAN. 

In June, he proclaimed on Facebook about how with full heart he loves his boyfriend. 

So I guess it is just a temporary glitch in his brain. for some reason, he is too dull compare to the first year I met him. He eyes used to lit up, whenever he used to see me. He used to be so happy during that time I thought no wonder they call them gays, look at him -- always cheerful, humming a tune...lots of energy. Last year, I used to be anxious as I had all these emotional built up feelings inside me. I was helpless and sad over the situation. During summer, I felt like God was playing with my heart. Why do I meet an eligible good looking bachelor who is appropriate to my age, only to find at the end that he is gay. it is like this illusion; he exists, but he is really not there. 
Anyway, I've to be tough. He is never ever going to change. He loves his gayness, his love for his boyfriend. I'm  just a business source to keep his salary up. 
I really don't like gayness. When in 20s, watching two men hug, won't look gross, but two elderly men cuddling, falling over each other, eww.. Of course, if I keep on fumbling on elder men's love, I guess slowly my eyes will accept that this craziness exist.

For now, I hate my brain for twisting every move of his as love or whatever towards me. I really hate hate my brain.  
I don't know how to stop it as I don't need his affection nor he needs mine. We have our own partners and a very long long relationship with our partners. I'm overly reading his every move, and turning it for my own cause. Let me write it down here: WITH ALL HIS HEART, HE LOVES HIS BOYFRIEND. HE LOVES TO TRAVEL WITH HIM, DINE WITH HIM, and HAVE GAY SEX WITH HIM. THAT'S WHAT PLEASES HIM. NOBODY IS FORCING ON HIM, IT IS HIS OWN DESIRE. THEY'RE BESTIES!! YOU'RE JUST A SOURCE FOR HIS BUSINESS.

Interactions on his birthday:
Him commenting on my kids audio birthday wishes: 
Wow!!  That's the best birthday text I've ever received!!!   Thank you!!   πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸŽˆπŸŽŠπŸ’₯πŸŽΆπŸ’•πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

(notice the hearts -- first time)

Me:
Don't wander in the park thinking about the pastπŸ˜‰; look forward to the future, for the best things are yet to come.

Have a wonderful, happy, healthy birthday now and forever.

Happy birthday, [insert name]!!!
(Related to last year's birthday conversation about how he was depressed thinking about his age and unaccomplished things)

Him:
Thank you!!  I do believe your statement and will own them on this day. πŸ˜ƒ

Now off on a 🚡 around the lake. :)

Me:
That's the spirit! Enjoy!!πŸ‘

I'm so bogus. I really don't want love from him. I think it is just to feel good to get someone's attention. I really wished wholeheartedly, no doubt about it. I can curtail it too if I want to--not be too enthusiastic or over friendly. I SHOULD BACKOFF!! 

It's your fault God, you don't keep me busy. So I keep myself busy with really unnecessary stuff. I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IN ME FOR PEOPLE TO FALL IN LOVE FOREVER. Until you don't get this, you'll be in fool's paradise.

Oh god, ED SHERRAN's photograph is ringing in my ears from morning.

P.S. Till now, he never asked when is my birthday. Awesome, right?



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