Friday, September 18, 2015

What is love....senseless feelings...don't believe them

His stare...oh yes, his stare...makes me feel so special like as if I'm some delicate beauty...don't know what his internal feellings are....but I'm melting away everyday. I'm craving for his decent touch, maybe a slight kiss. Taboo, taboo, taboo...I should not be thinking in such a way. But I want to feel the love, the admiration of the opposite sex. Recently, he started noticing what I wear, but otherwise he always only interlocks his eyes with mine. He gazes and gives me a gentle smile, which lets me know that he has so many thoughts in his brain, but cannot say anything outside.

I've this cute sleeveless slightly lowcut dress...nothing special, but it makes me look sexy. I tried to wear today for a happy hour rendezvous with my husband, but I did not feel comfortable at all to wear this lowcut dress as my husband doesn't look at me adoringly as this guy. When this guy looks at me, I feel so confident. I really really love to wear this dress for him instead for my husband. Don't ask me why...but whenever I put this dress for him, I get this huge smile on my face and my face starts glowing with shyness and confidence, and it is all just thinking about him looking at me. 

I know I'm messed up. This guy is  a gay guy. How can it be possible? I definitely might be reading all wrong. But why does he look at me so adoringly, which is causing all kinds of confusion in my brain? Does he want to look like me or what,  Or do I generate bisexual feelings in him? But his path is sinuous path, I should stay away from him. But these feelings...the nervousness I feel before seeing him every week, scares me up so much. I don't want to get hurt, or screw up my kids piano learning. Praying God that I should not rely on opposite sex's attention to feel good about myself. I swear when my kids were born, I was all into kids and family, no other world, but from 2008 things turned weird. I started craving for opposite sex's attention.

Right now, I'm sobbing and want to text him as I have not communicated with him from Wednesday. That's killing me. In the middle of last night, I thought to send hi to him. What the hell is wrong with me? Weirdly, texting in the night did not sound abnormal at all during that time. But when I woke up, I was like...are you an idiot to even think of texting him? Luckily, morning I did not feel the urge. But now, I'm in the same boat. I'm so many times reminding myself that he is gay, he is gay, he is gay....he doesn't care about you. If he wanted, he had an opportunity to meet me on Sunday as my kids had piano rehearsals for an awesome collabrative team concert. But he did not show up as he would have gone for Dallas LGBT parade. I'm reading all these bullshit articles about how do you know if someone likes you...almost all of the list, he covers it, other than ever doing triangle type staring or accidentally touching my shoulders.

This time I won't trust my feelings. I'll fall for any guy who looks decent and shows attention on me. So hell no, I'll not fall for my feelings. They are just stupid, senseless s*** to make me look like a moron.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Things can change in the blink of an eye

One day I was singing....

I said anything can happen,
They said this can never happen 
A gay man will never fall for a woman
But I always believed it can happen;

He has feelings for me,
He is going to change for me, 
he believes in love; oh its love

I said anything can happen,
They said this can never happen 
A gay man will never fall for a woman
But I always believed it can happen;

Look at him staring at me, 
look at him becoming anxious, 
look at him all so nervous; oh it's love

He has feelings for me,
He is going to change for me, 
he believes in love; oh its love

.......…………………...............................

That's how I sang all over the house. I truly truly believed in...searched on google--is it possible for a gay man to fall in love with a woman? How do guys show when they like a girl? Why men one day be nice and the other day be cold? Body language patterns of someone liking someone.

Things looked so obvious that omg, it finally happened. Couldn't sleep at all...tossed on the bed, made love to my husband as I was happy -- yes, finally someone is in love with me. I wanted to dress womanly. I wanted to look pretty. I was feeling oh so special. 

But next day, weeeee...down, totally down. Why will a gay man fall for a woman? Questioned myself about my theories. Someone can love the face for awhile, but at the end they will try to find a true substance, wisdom in that person--what ambitions does she have? What is she special at? Can she make intelligent conversations? 

Why will he screw up his fifteen years of relationship? They both understand each other and like to do the same things with their body. If he looks around, he can find so many pretty women with lighter skin, blue or grey eyes, with straightened teeth....so why will he choose this married Indian person? Has he created some kind of emotional bond with me? Is there a scope of love in between us or am I reading totally wrong about this gay man? 

The other day when we met to attend a master class with his teacher, he sat beside me, but in between so many times he glanced and gave a quick smile. He even noticed my bare legs. I was so nervous under his watchful eyes. He is totally playing with my head. 

I asked myself, do you want him to fall in love with you. I said to myself, "yes yes yes." 

Will you promise that you won't break his heart? Will you suddenly not lose interest in him? Will he become cheap in your eyes? I thought for a second, " no I won't break his heart. Yes, I want his love. 

But why, he is not even young? He smiles so weirdly, won't that freak you out? All his gay behavior, won't that bother you. 
I just want him to like me. No, I don't need it to be sexual. Just have an interest over me, talk and share thoughts with me....maybe I'll get bored or find him uninteresting, once I find him desperate for me. So I guess it won't work. I want it until I get it, and once I get it,.....crying...I will lose its value. That's how my brain works.

Yesterday, after class he waited for me to speak something, but I did not initiate as I did not know what to speak. There is always this anticipation for something in my head thar causes tension whenever I meet him.

Damn, I was so emotional yesterday after the class. Is it in my head or is he going through the same emotions as me? There is so much pain between us, and I don't know why things are just not smooth like before. what is even there to be complicated. He is gay, and I'm married, so what's the big deal. Why can't we be awesome friends? 

Today morning, I felt like sending a text to ask about his welfare. Even thought of calling him over the phone after seeing him making friendship with a gay psychiatrist who is a specialist for depression. But the thing is how can I help him when my brain itself is not working properly. I've my own issues. If I'm contacting him over this issue, is it because I need his attention and I'm making excuses to call or text, or do I really feel for his dullness? Is he really dull ? Am I using him for my advantage? That's why I decided for him to take action if I'm the root cause of his sorrow. Saying that itself, my brain says", look at you, whom do you think yourself as, for a gay man to have emotional problems because of you.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Fool's paradise

There are so many up and down moments within my brain for the same situation with the same people who exist in my life.

The problem with me is I've so much time to kill, nothing seriously to look forward, from the time I wake up. So here I go analyzing gay person's motives. Really, I've no business of needing his love towards me, but God, my brain spins stories for every event related to him, even though there is nothing which says that he is deviating from his gayness.

Four very rare incidents happened which are related to the music gay teacher ( argh, I hate to say he is gay):

1. He is spending his weekend time to show off kids skills to a famous pianist. First time ever, otherwise, he always used weekends for paid classes only.
2. Even though for group classes, he will be there in the same building, he never plans to meet, but this time it happened. He waited for an hour for class to get over to meet. Oh my gosh, that is like wow for me, because I always used to get upset within myself that how uninterested he is over me. All due to his gayness, argh!!
3. He always used to show curiosity in what my kids are reading, but never in mine. I was like, oh god, why he has to be gay!! Hmmm...but in previous class, he asked me what I'm reading. Yes! Yes! Yes! Finaaaalllllly!!!
4. His first praise towards me, which  made my heart stop for a beat. He said, " you're amazing", for forwarding my kids' schedule. Past two years, never ever praised me for anything.

He took care of parking arrangements so that from on we can park closer to the entrance, and especially to his parking lot. That means after every class, we will walk together to our individual cars.

I don't know why these are all happening after I spent two months in India, not even contacted him once during those two months.

Prior to summer, he said it will be difficult for him to let go off us for two months, but he said he will understand about why we want to spend time in India. During that time, he asked me about my departure timings in the pretext of handing over the harmony book to my son as he wants him to work while traveling on the plane, instead of idling for so many hours, but to my greatest disappointment, he never turned up. I felt like crying so much, because no one ever made me feel that they are going to miss me when I'm gone. It would have been the most amazing moment of my life if he would have turned up. When he showed his desire to come to the airport, I just blurted out by saying, "that's funny."
when I texted him about whether he is coming to handover the book, he portrayed like...he had no idea that I was traveling that day. That book yet has not been delivered by the publisher, and I should send my Indian address for him to mail the book. I just ignored the message completely. That time I came to decision that he will always disappoint people. His words are not to be trusted, until it becomes reality.

I thought that these gays act friendly and be overly fine with women is just to get their attention for fun. To enjoy the woman's desperation towards them. And of course many boring wife's who wants thrill in their life, chase the gays to erase the loneliness. I thought he is also playing games or acting like as if he is an elegible bachelore when the truth is he is the least eligible person on Earth.

Recently after my trip when I met him too, I never showed any disappointment towards him, but I know he missed us a lot. In our first class, he asked about my trip details, and asked specifically whether I travelled  all around India. Later, I realized why he asked that question. He wanted to know whether I purposefully did not give him my Indian address.

In the second class, he was so much into me--watching me meticulously, engaging me in conversations, and listening to me enthusiastically. Later, I thought omg, what a distraction I'm. If this goes on, my kids can never win any piano competition.

After these new developments, I started googling about whether a gay man can fall in love with a woman, and to my astonishment, many gay men agreed of falling in LOVE WITH A WOMAN. 

In June, he proclaimed on Facebook about how with full heart he loves his boyfriend. 

So I guess it is just a temporary glitch in his brain. for some reason, he is too dull compare to the first year I met him. He eyes used to lit up, whenever he used to see me. He used to be so happy during that time I thought no wonder they call them gays, look at him -- always cheerful, humming a tune...lots of energy. Last year, I used to be anxious as I had all these emotional built up feelings inside me. I was helpless and sad over the situation. During summer, I felt like God was playing with my heart. Why do I meet an eligible good looking bachelor who is appropriate to my age, only to find at the end that he is gay. it is like this illusion; he exists, but he is really not there. 
Anyway, I've to be tough. He is never ever going to change. He loves his gayness, his love for his boyfriend. I'm  just a business source to keep his salary up. 
I really don't like gayness. When in 20s, watching two men hug, won't look gross, but two elderly men cuddling, falling over each other, eww.. Of course, if I keep on fumbling on elder men's love, I guess slowly my eyes will accept that this craziness exist.

For now, I hate my brain for twisting every move of his as love or whatever towards me. I really hate hate my brain.  
I don't know how to stop it as I don't need his affection nor he needs mine. We have our own partners and a very long long relationship with our partners. I'm overly reading his every move, and turning it for my own cause. Let me write it down here: WITH ALL HIS HEART, HE LOVES HIS BOYFRIEND. HE LOVES TO TRAVEL WITH HIM, DINE WITH HIM, and HAVE GAY SEX WITH HIM. THAT'S WHAT PLEASES HIM. NOBODY IS FORCING ON HIM, IT IS HIS OWN DESIRE. THEY'RE BESTIES!! YOU'RE JUST A SOURCE FOR HIS BUSINESS.

Interactions on his birthday:
Him commenting on my kids audio birthday wishes: 
Wow!!  That's the best birthday text I've ever received!!!   Thank you!!   πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸŽˆπŸŽŠπŸ’₯πŸŽΆπŸ’•πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

(notice the hearts -- first time)

Me:
Don't wander in the park thinking about the pastπŸ˜‰; look forward to the future, for the best things are yet to come.

Have a wonderful, happy, healthy birthday now and forever.

Happy birthday, [insert name]!!!
(Related to last year's birthday conversation about how he was depressed thinking about his age and unaccomplished things)

Him:
Thank you!!  I do believe your statement and will own them on this day. πŸ˜ƒ

Now off on a 🚡 around the lake. :)

Me:
That's the spirit! Enjoy!!πŸ‘

I'm so bogus. I really don't want love from him. I think it is just to feel good to get someone's attention. I really wished wholeheartedly, no doubt about it. I can curtail it too if I want to--not be too enthusiastic or over friendly. I SHOULD BACKOFF!! 

It's your fault God, you don't keep me busy. So I keep myself busy with really unnecessary stuff. I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IN ME FOR PEOPLE TO FALL IN LOVE FOREVER. Until you don't get this, you'll be in fool's paradise.

Oh god, ED SHERRAN's photograph is ringing in my ears from morning.

P.S. Till now, he never asked when is my birthday. Awesome, right?



Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Is it a sign?

Omg, I can't express the shock on my face when at 1:43 CT, Lufthansa place flew over me when I was heading towards my car at Westin hotel parking lot. Out of all the airlines in the world, Lufthansa plane flying over me is just mind boggling. Is he there? What does that incident mean?

Just wow! Pure thrill!!! Exhilaration!! Is he still working with Lufthansa. Ah...when will I meet you again. 

My recent trip back to us on Lufthansa is done. No sign of him though. Recently, I met an Indian person in New Delhi who was a copassenger on a Lufthansa flight enroute to Frankfurt, while I was vacationing in New Delhi. Can you believe the shock in our faces. We exchanged phone numbers. That gives hope that if God's will is there, anything can happen.