Friday, December 18, 2015

His insensitivity, My indecisiveness

Everything slowly, but surely drifting away. The thought of separation makes me immensely sad, but I think everything I feared in May 14th 2014 email is coming true.

"Warning:  It is going to be a long read. 

Hi,

I bet you had a great day yesterday. Well, I couldn't stop smiling the whole day. I was so up in the sky...didn't want to come down. We were outside for the whole day...in between reminisced the best of everything. 

One of the major source of happiness is you. If I said to someone that I want a talented, knowledgable teacher who is sincere and passionate about teaching, good communicator, gives top priority to kids growth, immaculately plans and prioritizes according to kid's skill,  if I needed help, sincerely support us in between classes, even on weekends, and really listen to what I've to say related to music or to my kids, or any general view, and give totally high regard to my wishes, and almost certain of getting it done then everybody would have suggested; you're not being realistic; you'll never find such an unselfish, consolidated  person. I couldn't have dreamed a better person than you as even dreams have limits based on experiences and not knowing the boundaries of human kindness.

I don't know how to say - giving  importance to everything I say(almost) or anything I wish(almost)...your thoughtful way of executing and sincerely making sure of things I wished it to happen, and that too instantly...how can I be so lucky to find such a sweet- sweet person....touch wood...rapport between us is what making things go so smoothly and successfully, and of course you being so flexible and willingness to listen to others need/desire.  In such a shorter duration to have such a deeper connection is unimaginable.  If I become emotional for my kids' performance, there is nothing special, but for you to become emotional in such a shorter span depicts our special connection, and the valuable, unselfish time you invested in their progress.

Yesterday's duet would have not been possible, if you were not flexible and open minded, but there you are, just within few days came up with the best piece for them to learn, and planned so well for it to work flawlessly.

Are we in honeymoon phase where we both are so amicable, and wonderful (few hiccups here and there..haha), or are we really going to be forever like this, truly a great team?

Sometimes I feel like I don't even have to communicate, you just know what I wish to say. It is just that I don't have patience to wait. Haha....Otherwise, I am sure of experiencing Sonata or Invention type surprises, which I loved it dearly.

Wish I could take it for granted. Well, I know things won't work that way. I just wish that you remain forever like the way you're now. May the best understanding and wisdom prevail between us. All these goodness you bestow on us is not because we are still in beginning stages when usually understanding will be rosy, temperament will be under control, and things or people will look much more interesting. It is not that I'm undermining you as a person, I'm talking in general of how humans function.

Yes,  I'm very well aware that you're the matured one among us. You exactly know how to react and how to balance, and you have lot of experience in dealing with people.

You're a sincere teacher with lot of patience, and vast knowledge to share. It is really a joy to watch you teaching. 

Sorry, we did not get a chance to say bye to each other yesterday. I know I cut you off when you were trying to say something related to videos, and in that process, I missed out to hear your thoughts. Well, that happens whenever I'm  in ecstatic mood...haha...

We are the best combo ever, don't you think? 

This is what is called as being at a right place at a right time with the right person.

Everything I wished and beyond is within you. Not to boast, but my son is the best student any  teacher can ever ask for, but with your sincerity, in depth knowledge, passion for your work and being a good communicator, and with his hard work, sincerity and 100% reliable,  both are so perfectly matched.  I know my daughter is trying to inch towards to close the gap to reach to your expectation level of performance.

I don't know why I find it so easy to communicate and share with you whatever I exactly feel like. Maybe deep down I think that you are okay with my long emails..haha.

Pardon my long email as you're the source of my happiness, I've to let you know.

Looking forward to see you on Wednesday.

Thank you for everything!!"

Everything I praised about him has gone. No sincereity, no planning, no enjoyment in students growth...he is just somewhere in his own dream world. 

How did things change just like that. Let me tell you his plan...
Trip to Mexico for new year (should not matter as it is during holidays)
In Jan, weekend trip to Disney for half marathon race.
Again in Jan, self healing trip to Whidbey island from Wednesday to Sunday.
Again in Feb, romantic trip with his boyfriend during weekdays.

He has no shame to let me know all these plans after canceling a piano concerto competition. All he cares is teaching thirty classes...without thinking about the purpose. How can someone be so insensitive. Why can't I quit? Why I'm so indecisive? Why can't I confront?

I feel the whole thing was bogus from the start. I just did not see it then. 
I just can't believe that he is the same person about whom I was so gaga few weeks ago in my blog. How did things become so bad? I thought he likes me 100%... I thought he never gets offended to whatever I say. How can I be so dumb? Why do people hate me? 

Bye to one more person who once I thought was my friend. Welcome to one more person who thinks I'm just a speck of dust. Well, for sure one more time it proved that what I see with my eyes are not to be trusted, because I guess my mind manipulates and conceals the red flags. I think everything is rose when it is not. Because he is a guy, my mind twisted every move of his as love for me, even though he is gay. All this pain is the consequence of taking every minute thing to some kind of deep affection for me, even though I was reading simultaneously that gays will not deter in their motives. They will love only their type. 

I want to run away, go away from this world. I'm not suitable for this world.




Thursday, November 19, 2015

I lived in a bubble

I'm writing this post with so much pain in my heart. It is over between me and the gay piano teacher. My previous posts speaks about how damn I was involved with him. All those signs of kindness, interest, desire to speak with me, was all fake I guess. We were so close to be true buds.

From a long time, I observed how without any kind of plan, he was coming to the class to teach. This kind of behavior started after my trip from India. After taking his approval,  I had planned for a major piano concerto competition along with RCM exams which was his idea. My kids do duet too for every recital. This time we thought to do Mozart concerto. When you're dealing with such a high demand, as a teacher you need to have a concrete plan. Otherwise,  time will just pass and at the end, nothing looks like achieved.

So due to that reason, I indirectly twice managed to get my message delivered. As usual, he had no problem. Took it for a stride, but nothing majorly happened to execute the plan to deliver the intended results. After he did not even inform the theory exam date beforehand, and letting me know only after I texted to request whether he is interested to watch their recordings. He said yes for viewing the recordings, and informed about that day's theory test, which was about to happen in couple of hours.

After this experience and once he canceled the concerto duo as my daughter was not prepared, at the end of the class in most casual way, asked him why he can't plan about what to teach in the class. He got all offended and laid out the plan for next week, and commented is these is what you want, that I have to sound imperious. Humorously,  I said, "perfect. It sounds more like a man with a plan." well, I did not know what imperious meant during that time.

While exiting the classroom door, I asked whether we are still friends. At that time, wow---I've never seen anybody being that angry with me--he turned his head towards me and looked into my eyes directly and said, "don't try to mess with me now."After that he warned me and said, " from now on, I'll control everything."

After that I sent sorry by email and text, but he was still angry. In yesterday's class, his demeanor was so different...outside totally charming, but inside lot of anger. At the end of the class, I asked "do you wanna talk?" He said, " after last week's talk, I've no time for talking."

And he said, " I'll not do the concerto competition as that is not my priority now.", and he said, "from now on I'll set boundaries."

Later cool as a cucumber, he asks me, "so are you guys having huge thanksgiving party?" Nothing was paining or bothering him and has no fear of us quitting.  He doesn't care about anything anymore.

How can a nice guy suddenly turn unkind? Was I in a bubble? The rapport, the connection we had did not mean anything to him. He wanted to hurt me with his words, with his attitude...with his deeds.

Why couldn't he ask in a nice and caring way--on what basis did you reach your conclusion that I come unprepared to the class. Why he did not try for an open dialogue? Why antipathy? Why to twist my words and be mean/rude/hurtful? What happened to his goodness, his friendship..why this distance?

Currently with a heavy heart, I'm looking for a new piano teacher.  I hate to start all over again.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Misery of getting attached to people

I'm going to try one last time to communicate with you after that it is up to you.

They say, it's not difficult to be good when everything is going well...

You've the power to wipe off this misery if you're willing to forgive. I'm still the same person you once cared for. I understand nobody behaves rudely until and unless their feelings are hurt badly.

Honestly, I'm telling you that day I thought I was communicating casually just like many off topics we discuss...sometimes you agree, and sometimes you let me know your opinion. And that's how I perceived the whole thing, without picking up your cues. That's why the whole stupid laugh in the corridor. 

I really like you, M, just the way you used to like me. I will not do anything purposefully to hurt you. You've more good in you, than what I talked on that day.  This is when you've to think about how many positive things I talked about you in the past. You should not throw away everything, just because of one day. I really care for you. Trust me, your silence hurts me a lot. 

************************************************

The accusation that I "had not planned" struck a raw nerve with me. However, I am not so fickle as to not like you as a result. I need space to move forward. 

Boarding a plane now for Philadelphia. Have a good weekend.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Good times

Yes please do.  I signed up again with a new email address. My teacher number is *****, email is *****. And I used this phone number as the primary contact number. 

I also ordered 2015 advanced rudiments papers for [daughter] to see when they arrive. 

And I practiced the Shostakovich. πŸ˜‰

Sneaky how you hijacked my calendar. 😜


Yay, you practiced!!!! 
I'm so happy to hear you say that you practiced!!!! It will be so unbelievably wonderful to hear you play along with [son]. Thank you so much for taking it seriously!! Golden words "And I practiced the Shostakovich."

Sneaky...yes!πŸ˜†
Yes!! Teehee...well played. :-)
Well, you asked to remind you!!πŸ˜‰
Thank you!!  Done well!! My part is quite slow now, but it will work for rehearsals. 

All I care is you practiced! Like I said, " I'm so happy."

It has been quite a ride. I've actually been practicing quite consistently for a few weeks now. Select repertoire. Bach P&F, Rachmaninov prelude and Debussy Arabesque. It's all so beautiful and the Shostakovich is so energetic. :-)
Yeah, keeping life in balance now. Practice, exercise, work, reading and walking my dog. πŸ˜€
Life is quite good. 

Awesome!!! I thought you gave up on practicing. I thought you don't even enjoy playing piano. I'm so happy for you!!!

No, not at all...I just had to rekindle the love I have for the music and separate the work from the joy of making music. Sometimes it is a long process. :-)

Well, you're on the right path. I always enjoyed listening to music, but the way you analyze the piece exposes the beauty in much deeper level.
Anyway, good night!! Cheers to your practice!!!

Thank you!!  Good night. :-)

Well, I'm not going to spoil my mood because of some dumb stuff, when I've this one to smile about "And I practiced the Shostakovich"

πŸ˜€

Thank you for showing me your sincere side yesterday. I loved seeing you having total control over everything. Hands down the best class so far!! Do I have your permission to visualize you both playing that piece for the recital? It will be the brightest and proudest moment in son's life to perform along with his teacher. It will be just amazing....something to look forward to....will be unforgettable experience for the audience. I think I'm already visualizing...πŸ˜† As you are enjoying the process of practicing, let us not stop ourselves to the indoor sessions.πŸ‘πŸ½ Btw, will they perform Mozart concerto second movement for the recital?

Perhaps. Right now I'll just enjoy the process. It was a great class and I loved sharing my sincere love of music with everyone in the room. ☺️

I cherished watching your sincerity. If I'm allowed to say -- truly proud of you. 
Thank you!!  I'm working to let that side out more. ☺️

Friday, October 9, 2015

I always get everything wrong!!

How should I start to explain about my misery?

Watch this Trident commercial:
http://youtu.be/XLpDiIVX0Wo

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay, would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you


I guess I just want to have such a moment with someone and it has to last forever. Oh yeah, I had that moment with the Lufthansa flight attendant, but I don't want to think or feel about him. Anyway, he doesn't make sense to me right now.

Here I'm with this gay teacher. God, I got everything so wrong about him. Of course, that should not be a surprise --- he is gay. Argh....so frustrating. Ahh...his mixed signals...I'm so angry, disappointed...and disgusted with myself.

Like last year, my kids had a chance to participate in a trio piano concert. That means I thought I'll get a chance to spend time with him...watch the concert together by sitting next to each other, but oh god, he crushed it so hard that I'm here without words and in shock about the bullshit ride I was riding within my head. I'm really not interested in any romantic involvement, but I want someone like him to be interested in me, to have plans to do things with me...more like being crazy for me. Sometimes that's how I feel the way he looks at me, his body language....he likes me, he looks forward to meet me, talks with me...shares things with me. I do crave for such things. It makes life interesting...fun to be alive. Someone appreciating you and your beauty and your personality, makes life so worthwhile.

My recent conversation with him:
ME: Hi, 

Is there anyway possible for me to get hold of the other room key without disturbing the class? 

Thanks 

HIM: I'll try to remember to open it, but I don't mind the interruption. :-)

ME: Maybe not you, but others might be 😏

HIM: It's ok, I'm in charge. :)

ME: πŸ‘πŸ½ Thank you for not minding the interruption!😊

I swear to myself that I'll never ever again fall into such trap, ever again with him.
Just totally s***!! It is really amazing, once someone can be your object of affection, you want ro care, nurture...and give your atmost attention, and next thing you know, you don't even want to see there face.

I cannot run away. He is my kids music teacher. And he has good knowledge about music even though he cannot play well at all, and if he works hard and be sincere, he can even make them win competitions.

Other than being muted, if any other thought comes about him, I seriously decided to slap myself from now on.

Cut it out, you crazy!!!

Friday, September 18, 2015

What is love....senseless feelings...don't believe them

His stare...oh yes, his stare...makes me feel so special like as if I'm some delicate beauty...don't know what his internal feellings are....but I'm melting away everyday. I'm craving for his decent touch, maybe a slight kiss. Taboo, taboo, taboo...I should not be thinking in such a way. But I want to feel the love, the admiration of the opposite sex. Recently, he started noticing what I wear, but otherwise he always only interlocks his eyes with mine. He gazes and gives me a gentle smile, which lets me know that he has so many thoughts in his brain, but cannot say anything outside.

I've this cute sleeveless slightly lowcut dress...nothing special, but it makes me look sexy. I tried to wear today for a happy hour rendezvous with my husband, but I did not feel comfortable at all to wear this lowcut dress as my husband doesn't look at me adoringly as this guy. When this guy looks at me, I feel so confident. I really really love to wear this dress for him instead for my husband. Don't ask me why...but whenever I put this dress for him, I get this huge smile on my face and my face starts glowing with shyness and confidence, and it is all just thinking about him looking at me. 

I know I'm messed up. This guy is  a gay guy. How can it be possible? I definitely might be reading all wrong. But why does he look at me so adoringly, which is causing all kinds of confusion in my brain? Does he want to look like me or what,  Or do I generate bisexual feelings in him? But his path is sinuous path, I should stay away from him. But these feelings...the nervousness I feel before seeing him every week, scares me up so much. I don't want to get hurt, or screw up my kids piano learning. Praying God that I should not rely on opposite sex's attention to feel good about myself. I swear when my kids were born, I was all into kids and family, no other world, but from 2008 things turned weird. I started craving for opposite sex's attention.

Right now, I'm sobbing and want to text him as I have not communicated with him from Wednesday. That's killing me. In the middle of last night, I thought to send hi to him. What the hell is wrong with me? Weirdly, texting in the night did not sound abnormal at all during that time. But when I woke up, I was like...are you an idiot to even think of texting him? Luckily, morning I did not feel the urge. But now, I'm in the same boat. I'm so many times reminding myself that he is gay, he is gay, he is gay....he doesn't care about you. If he wanted, he had an opportunity to meet me on Sunday as my kids had piano rehearsals for an awesome collabrative team concert. But he did not show up as he would have gone for Dallas LGBT parade. I'm reading all these bullshit articles about how do you know if someone likes you...almost all of the list, he covers it, other than ever doing triangle type staring or accidentally touching my shoulders.

This time I won't trust my feelings. I'll fall for any guy who looks decent and shows attention on me. So hell no, I'll not fall for my feelings. They are just stupid, senseless s*** to make me look like a moron.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Things can change in the blink of an eye

One day I was singing....

I said anything can happen,
They said this can never happen 
A gay man will never fall for a woman
But I always believed it can happen;

He has feelings for me,
He is going to change for me, 
he believes in love; oh its love

I said anything can happen,
They said this can never happen 
A gay man will never fall for a woman
But I always believed it can happen;

Look at him staring at me, 
look at him becoming anxious, 
look at him all so nervous; oh it's love

He has feelings for me,
He is going to change for me, 
he believes in love; oh its love

.......…………………...............................

That's how I sang all over the house. I truly truly believed in...searched on google--is it possible for a gay man to fall in love with a woman? How do guys show when they like a girl? Why men one day be nice and the other day be cold? Body language patterns of someone liking someone.

Things looked so obvious that omg, it finally happened. Couldn't sleep at all...tossed on the bed, made love to my husband as I was happy -- yes, finally someone is in love with me. I wanted to dress womanly. I wanted to look pretty. I was feeling oh so special. 

But next day, weeeee...down, totally down. Why will a gay man fall for a woman? Questioned myself about my theories. Someone can love the face for awhile, but at the end they will try to find a true substance, wisdom in that person--what ambitions does she have? What is she special at? Can she make intelligent conversations? 

Why will he screw up his fifteen years of relationship? They both understand each other and like to do the same things with their body. If he looks around, he can find so many pretty women with lighter skin, blue or grey eyes, with straightened teeth....so why will he choose this married Indian person? Has he created some kind of emotional bond with me? Is there a scope of love in between us or am I reading totally wrong about this gay man? 

The other day when we met to attend a master class with his teacher, he sat beside me, but in between so many times he glanced and gave a quick smile. He even noticed my bare legs. I was so nervous under his watchful eyes. He is totally playing with my head. 

I asked myself, do you want him to fall in love with you. I said to myself, "yes yes yes." 

Will you promise that you won't break his heart? Will you suddenly not lose interest in him? Will he become cheap in your eyes? I thought for a second, " no I won't break his heart. Yes, I want his love. 

But why, he is not even young? He smiles so weirdly, won't that freak you out? All his gay behavior, won't that bother you. 
I just want him to like me. No, I don't need it to be sexual. Just have an interest over me, talk and share thoughts with me....maybe I'll get bored or find him uninteresting, once I find him desperate for me. So I guess it won't work. I want it until I get it, and once I get it,.....crying...I will lose its value. That's how my brain works.

Yesterday, after class he waited for me to speak something, but I did not initiate as I did not know what to speak. There is always this anticipation for something in my head thar causes tension whenever I meet him.

Damn, I was so emotional yesterday after the class. Is it in my head or is he going through the same emotions as me? There is so much pain between us, and I don't know why things are just not smooth like before. what is even there to be complicated. He is gay, and I'm married, so what's the big deal. Why can't we be awesome friends? 

Today morning, I felt like sending a text to ask about his welfare. Even thought of calling him over the phone after seeing him making friendship with a gay psychiatrist who is a specialist for depression. But the thing is how can I help him when my brain itself is not working properly. I've my own issues. If I'm contacting him over this issue, is it because I need his attention and I'm making excuses to call or text, or do I really feel for his dullness? Is he really dull ? Am I using him for my advantage? That's why I decided for him to take action if I'm the root cause of his sorrow. Saying that itself, my brain says", look at you, whom do you think yourself as, for a gay man to have emotional problems because of you.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Fool's paradise

There are so many up and down moments within my brain for the same situation with the same people who exist in my life.

The problem with me is I've so much time to kill, nothing seriously to look forward, from the time I wake up. So here I go analyzing gay person's motives. Really, I've no business of needing his love towards me, but God, my brain spins stories for every event related to him, even though there is nothing which says that he is deviating from his gayness.

Four very rare incidents happened which are related to the music gay teacher ( argh, I hate to say he is gay):

1. He is spending his weekend time to show off kids skills to a famous pianist. First time ever, otherwise, he always used weekends for paid classes only.
2. Even though for group classes, he will be there in the same building, he never plans to meet, but this time it happened. He waited for an hour for class to get over to meet. Oh my gosh, that is like wow for me, because I always used to get upset within myself that how uninterested he is over me. All due to his gayness, argh!!
3. He always used to show curiosity in what my kids are reading, but never in mine. I was like, oh god, why he has to be gay!! Hmmm...but in previous class, he asked me what I'm reading. Yes! Yes! Yes! Finaaaalllllly!!!
4. His first praise towards me, which  made my heart stop for a beat. He said, " you're amazing", for forwarding my kids' schedule. Past two years, never ever praised me for anything.

He took care of parking arrangements so that from on we can park closer to the entrance, and especially to his parking lot. That means after every class, we will walk together to our individual cars.

I don't know why these are all happening after I spent two months in India, not even contacted him once during those two months.

Prior to summer, he said it will be difficult for him to let go off us for two months, but he said he will understand about why we want to spend time in India. During that time, he asked me about my departure timings in the pretext of handing over the harmony book to my son as he wants him to work while traveling on the plane, instead of idling for so many hours, but to my greatest disappointment, he never turned up. I felt like crying so much, because no one ever made me feel that they are going to miss me when I'm gone. It would have been the most amazing moment of my life if he would have turned up. When he showed his desire to come to the airport, I just blurted out by saying, "that's funny."
when I texted him about whether he is coming to handover the book, he portrayed like...he had no idea that I was traveling that day. That book yet has not been delivered by the publisher, and I should send my Indian address for him to mail the book. I just ignored the message completely. That time I came to decision that he will always disappoint people. His words are not to be trusted, until it becomes reality.

I thought that these gays act friendly and be overly fine with women is just to get their attention for fun. To enjoy the woman's desperation towards them. And of course many boring wife's who wants thrill in their life, chase the gays to erase the loneliness. I thought he is also playing games or acting like as if he is an elegible bachelore when the truth is he is the least eligible person on Earth.

Recently after my trip when I met him too, I never showed any disappointment towards him, but I know he missed us a lot. In our first class, he asked about my trip details, and asked specifically whether I travelled  all around India. Later, I realized why he asked that question. He wanted to know whether I purposefully did not give him my Indian address.

In the second class, he was so much into me--watching me meticulously, engaging me in conversations, and listening to me enthusiastically. Later, I thought omg, what a distraction I'm. If this goes on, my kids can never win any piano competition.

After these new developments, I started googling about whether a gay man can fall in love with a woman, and to my astonishment, many gay men agreed of falling in LOVE WITH A WOMAN. 

In June, he proclaimed on Facebook about how with full heart he loves his boyfriend. 

So I guess it is just a temporary glitch in his brain. for some reason, he is too dull compare to the first year I met him. He eyes used to lit up, whenever he used to see me. He used to be so happy during that time I thought no wonder they call them gays, look at him -- always cheerful, humming a tune...lots of energy. Last year, I used to be anxious as I had all these emotional built up feelings inside me. I was helpless and sad over the situation. During summer, I felt like God was playing with my heart. Why do I meet an eligible good looking bachelor who is appropriate to my age, only to find at the end that he is gay. it is like this illusion; he exists, but he is really not there. 
Anyway, I've to be tough. He is never ever going to change. He loves his gayness, his love for his boyfriend. I'm  just a business source to keep his salary up. 
I really don't like gayness. When in 20s, watching two men hug, won't look gross, but two elderly men cuddling, falling over each other, eww.. Of course, if I keep on fumbling on elder men's love, I guess slowly my eyes will accept that this craziness exist.

For now, I hate my brain for twisting every move of his as love or whatever towards me. I really hate hate my brain.  
I don't know how to stop it as I don't need his affection nor he needs mine. We have our own partners and a very long long relationship with our partners. I'm overly reading his every move, and turning it for my own cause. Let me write it down here: WITH ALL HIS HEART, HE LOVES HIS BOYFRIEND. HE LOVES TO TRAVEL WITH HIM, DINE WITH HIM, and HAVE GAY SEX WITH HIM. THAT'S WHAT PLEASES HIM. NOBODY IS FORCING ON HIM, IT IS HIS OWN DESIRE. THEY'RE BESTIES!! YOU'RE JUST A SOURCE FOR HIS BUSINESS.

Interactions on his birthday:
Him commenting on my kids audio birthday wishes: 
Wow!!  That's the best birthday text I've ever received!!!   Thank you!!   πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸŽˆπŸŽŠπŸ’₯πŸŽΆπŸ’•πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

(notice the hearts -- first time)

Me:
Don't wander in the park thinking about the pastπŸ˜‰; look forward to the future, for the best things are yet to come.

Have a wonderful, happy, healthy birthday now and forever.

Happy birthday, [insert name]!!!
(Related to last year's birthday conversation about how he was depressed thinking about his age and unaccomplished things)

Him:
Thank you!!  I do believe your statement and will own them on this day. πŸ˜ƒ

Now off on a 🚡 around the lake. :)

Me:
That's the spirit! Enjoy!!πŸ‘

I'm so bogus. I really don't want love from him. I think it is just to feel good to get someone's attention. I really wished wholeheartedly, no doubt about it. I can curtail it too if I want to--not be too enthusiastic or over friendly. I SHOULD BACKOFF!! 

It's your fault God, you don't keep me busy. So I keep myself busy with really unnecessary stuff. I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IN ME FOR PEOPLE TO FALL IN LOVE FOREVER. Until you don't get this, you'll be in fool's paradise.

Oh god, ED SHERRAN's photograph is ringing in my ears from morning.

P.S. Till now, he never asked when is my birthday. Awesome, right?



Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Is it a sign?

Omg, I can't express the shock on my face when at 1:43 CT, Lufthansa place flew over me when I was heading towards my car at Westin hotel parking lot. Out of all the airlines in the world, Lufthansa plane flying over me is just mind boggling. Is he there? What does that incident mean?

Just wow! Pure thrill!!! Exhilaration!! Is he still working with Lufthansa. Ah...when will I meet you again. 

My recent trip back to us on Lufthansa is done. No sign of him though. Recently, I met an Indian person in New Delhi who was a copassenger on a Lufthansa flight enroute to Frankfurt, while I was vacationing in New Delhi. Can you believe the shock in our faces. We exchanged phone numbers. That gives hope that if God's will is there, anything can happen. 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Hello from Frankfurt airport

Blogging away from rainy Frankfurt. I'm in his town, but he is nowhere to be seen. My heart cries out and looks for him all over, but no sign of him, no telepathy between us.

Today's flight from dal to FRA, I cried in the darkness when nobody was seeing. It was literally painful to see other stewards. Couldn't stop myself from playing those scenarios with him. Singlehandedly, he made my last trip one of a kind. There was no single dull moment, but recent flight was so boring that it makes me wanna say never to long distance traveling. Not even one cute steward to lay eyes on. The whole flight absolutely no charm.

Maybe he is not a steward anymore. Four years is a lot of time. I'm surrounded by Lufthansa planes, maybe he is in one of those planes, or in the same building, but we are not destined to meet again I guess.  I don't think so he will do India leg, so no chances to see him for now.

I read 50 shades of grey to time pass in Lufthansa, and will continue to read in my next leg too. Oh please, someone wake him and let him know that I'm here. Being this journey with Lufthansa itself is a miracle as gulf airlines has overtaken my Indian city, but looks like no brilliant outcome from this trip . I really really want love from him at this juncture of my life. I really want to love someone who loves me the most. I'm really so lonely that living doesn't make sense, no single personal bright spot to something to look for. Yeah, I dressed up for the flight, but nobody has eyes like him to see something special in me. I guess nobody can give that genuine happiness ever. I lost him forever I guess. 

Hello, I'm in Frankfurt. Oh come on, how can you miss this chance to see me. You hold my happiness, please come. Let your instinct drag you here to me. I want to see you. I so much want to see you. 

Sunday, June 7, 2015

We could be heroes, me and you

That was the song played by my mind while I was still on the bed this morning and suddenly realized that wow, today is fourth anniversary. I'm still amazed to see how well I captured his stare and smile.

I don't know what that song means to my current status, but recently I've tossed aside the thought of him and labeled it as one among my foolish adventures, where as usual I overwhelmingly exaggerated the situation and enhanced my feelings to the nth power, but not anymore. Mistakes and experience teach out how to be grounded. If a hopeful girl was in my place, she would have screamed and given title to this post as I'LL BE FLYING LUFTHANSA AGAIN....WOOHOO!!! I'll meet my pal....we could be heroes, me and you. I know you can hear me, we are different now, we can do anything.

Yes, I'll be flying on Lufthansa to India on June 22nd. I'll be in FRANKFURT on June 23rd. Will I meet him again? Will we both recognize each other? From the time I came to know that I'll be flying by Lufthansa, I did not jump with joy or made a huge deal of it, keeping hope alive is foolishness. So I'll shut off my  expectations.

So many days, I really did not care for you. I thought it was all me who made a big deal of our meeting. Today, I feel different. Seeing you in the morning on today, the feelings are rushing in, the desires are peeking in...I've not progressed in my life not even a little bit in all these four years, I'm still the same...what about you? Are you still working with Lufthansa? Will you be there on that flight? Have you ever thought about me after that day?

Everyday people do everyday things but I / Can't be one of them / I know you hear me now, we are a different kind / We can do anything 

We could be heroes, you and me 

Happy Anniversary!! See you soon..haha that's funny!!πŸ’πŸ‡©πŸ‡ͺ✈πŸ’πŸŽ‰πŸ‘

Prove to me that I don't exaggerate things, but rather I see things just the way they are....

Sunday, May 24, 2015

A small cup of Espresso leads to...

Talking with you gives me a feeling of talking with one of my family members. Say what you want and just get things done in such an amicable fashion. Aah...the understanding between us...touchwood, but I feel it so precious. Thank you for the liberty you give to me to express exactly what I've on my mind. I love the freedom, the warmness and the familiar feeling!!! Wow...I just don't know how two years passed.

I greatly appreciate every minute of it.

Take care!
(Maybe the light-headedness making me to express..haha..)

P.S. Thank god I did not send. Once the light headedness gone and periods started, I realised that a gay man doesn't need any of my praises.