Tuesday, October 14, 2014

He is there for all!

Recently due to certain piano event, I got to spend a lot of time with my kids' gay teacher. You may be thinking why do I have to specify "gay", but you will forced to do, once you spend time with them. I'm talking about these particular gay people who almost look like a straight guys, but love to adopt gayness.

I saw him mingling with people; so smooth, so attentive, laughing at their jokes....just the way you wish your partner to be.  He was just so smooth with woman, just like the way he will be with me---same with old and new acquaintances. Doesn't that show how fake his interactions are.

For this post, I've many titles:
Some way or the other, we are all inadequates.
I've nothing to offer.
The one I chose for this post, "He is for everybody".

At the end of the event after meeting gays one after the other, I was frustrated, annoyed and depressed. I already have no attention from any opposite sex, and on top of this, these guys with their charm, vocabulary, attentiveness and this feeling of "I'm single and available", ARGH!!!!!

I met another gay piano teacher: I almost swooned when I first time laid eyes on him: blue eyes, infectious smile, pleasing manners, smooth-fresh-baby-skin without any kind of scar or discoloration. The way he showed interest and spoke with me, I was like "are you really gay?", "did I get the wrong impression?", I swear I saw equal symbol on his Facebook. Post The way we departed showed his no interest on me; WHY WILL HE BE? HE IS A GAY!!!. ARGH!!

Why the hell I'm meeting so many gays!! I already feel lonely and depressed because of no real meaningful, respectable, lovable, intelligent interaction because of lack of career/lack of socializing/lack of special feeling from my partner. I don't get to meet handsome guys or get anybody's attention, and basically ignorant of the dating, flirting system. Here I'm meeting these gay guys who are themselves facing challenges in the world, having their own weaknesses, deal with intricate situations, secrecies, descrepancies, inadequacies, web of lies, and basically try to fit and act like normal, which they are not, but to be one, they will try to be so pleasant, so friendly that I am starting to hate. That rehearsal event I met other straight guys, but there was just no vibe. Of course, if a married guy flirts, it looks creepy. But these gay guys, they always look like THEY ARE AVAILABLE, but they are anything other than being available. All these constant acting with every woman like they are available is not ACCEPTABLE. Even though through Facebook, I know these two piano teachers are gay, otherwise I would just think OMG, they just adore me. Even after knowing that they are gays, I still get confused, and doubt myself whether I snooped properly. Argh!!!!!

Why I want to give a title "Some way or the other, we are all inadequates" to this post is because I noticed inadequacies in everybody whom I cared of observing:
Let us talk about me. Because of lack of socializing and being just a housewife, people, even myself think that I cannot discuss many things. So even though when I was one on one with kids' piano  teacher, sometimes we couldn't do anymore small talk. We ran off topics. I felt so embarrassing and pain, whereas when he meets others in his music industry, he will throw this and that famous names, abd others acknowledge ir too. And then my lack of clear phrase structuring causes confusion in people about what I'm trying to say. I wabt to talk with different people and get to know, converse with them, and maje them feel interested in me. But God, I cannot because of my INADEQUACIES. 

Now, let us talk about the piano teacher:
His major problem CONFIDENCE due to being gay, openly cannot discuss that he has a partner, instead he will mention him as his roommate. He couldn't even say that he was going to NY with his partner or to Georgia to support and cheer for his partner who was competing in Ironman Marathon, and in his own words, he said that he loves to perform, but due to not receiving earlier education, he feels inferior about his piano performance, even though he holds masters degree in piano performance. I can see his inferiority when he speaks with my husband---feeling of not good enough.

Now, let us talk about the guest pianist:
All his piano practices made him loner I think. His way of talking did not show abt kind of confidence. But later on, once he get to know his gay buddies, the piano teachers, he was much more relaxed, open and enjoyed performing pieces in post meetup shows. He is just 26, but was bald, and looked more like drug addict and gay. Once I came to know him, of course, my views changed in a good way. Hey can you guess who are these guy's new Facebook pals-- TYE TWO GAY TEACHERS, and bit TYE straight woman teacher.

Next the other piano teacher, exterior total confidence. He even said that he will come and watch the show, not as a teacher, but as a spectator. He said he was thinking to bring a student so that he gets inspired after watching the show, but who knows the gay buddy who is in his 30s might be dating or interested in this make student. He did not show up to the show as he said. Maybe the student did not want to reveal the secrecy. 

After being so closed to this gay guys, acting like being interested, but actually no interest in me made me emotionally tired. I told my kids' piano teacher, "no weekend recordings, as I want you to enjoy New York." but actual thing is I couldn't go anymore on that emotional roller-coaster. I do have some school friends who are interested in talking to me, and left phone messages. But I did not call back as I feel like our communication frequencies doesn't match, whereas I feel to talk to these new guys, explore newness, but these gay guys are just having fun and passing the time by just going with the flow. That's why this post title is "he is there for all", when infact he is not. They are just self dwelling in meeting other gay guys. Birds of same feather flock together. Whereas I try to run away from my base--married, boring wives who love to talk about inlaws, kids and ARGH..boring husbands. That's why the other title "I've nothing to offer."

Look at his cool talk with another woman:

Here is our conversation:

HIM: Congratulations!!  I hear the kids were a huge hit and that everyone was right with Adam!!  Bravo all!!  Woohoo!!!
ME: We are still at the performance hall. Going to leave now. It was great!! Just superb! I got to meet budding pianist parents too! Thank you for coming! Wish you were there! Glad you're coming on Wednesday!! Because we want you to be part of our experience!!
HIM: Me too!!  I felt bad leaving before wishing the kids the best!! But so glad I was able to be a part of it this year. :-) yeah for you, the kids!!  So glad you are a part of the SMU family!!!😀
[after this message, he totally spent time with me, even watched the show together, sitting next to each other as spectators]
HIM(after i said no to weekend recordings) Ok!!!  Sounds good. Don't hesitate if the kids run into a road block. Hope you enjoy the weekend.
Congrats on a great experience!!!

I know I understand that's how people will be with each other--friendly, but I don't know why it is so painful for me to accept it. I really not interested in him, but the idea of someone thinks about you, likes you, wants to talk to you, thinks you're special...Yeah, I know I'm not special. Woah, I should not interact with gay or straight guys.PERIOD!!

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