Thursday, September 18, 2014

Oh boy, what a mess!!

Just the "grief" word itself is making me cry. You might want to know what happened yesterday.

It was just shameful display from me. All I can think of is I'm just not at all mature. This is one very reason everybody should have career. I just don't know how to deal with people. On one side, I wanted to skip the class because I did not want to face him, and on the other side, if I skip once for this reason, then I cannot come back in the future. So I have to face him, but I was not at all ready emotionally. I cried in the morning, I cried on my way to the class, and I researched on internet on how to face rude people; nothing helped. Tears just rolled and rolled. Even now, I'm raw with emotions. If it is due to damn impending mensuration or not, I have no idea.

Visualized many scenarios of how our meet up will be. But when the real situation arosed, I avoided him completely during the greeting time and for the whole two classes. He too seriously taught both classes. Finally at the end, he himself told to kids that they should leave the room as he needs to speak with their mom, that is me. 

I acted with him like he is one of my family member. He pulled his chair closed to me and started talking gently by asking what's happening? What do you expect from me? I was like "what do I expect from him?"  started packing to leave by saying I already said what I have to say in the email. He said, "do you know you're email was personal attack? You were accusatory, blaming me for everything. Tell me what go you expect from me? I checked my messages; they were not that late. What are your expectations from me? Do you know we have to respect each other. In my profession that's very important. I like teaching your kids. They will have a great future. They are doing good. If I've to be their teacher, we cannot go on like this. You are not even looking at me. You're just uninterested, and just flipping the pages."

I said, "I'm listening. You too were accusatory; confused about emails you said, and then said the last one...."

He said, "oh actually, instead of text, I said email."

I said, "what's the point of communicating by email when you don't respond -- I'll not know whether email reached or you read or is that off topic for you."

He said, "if you send an email in the weekend, at least you should wait until Monday. You know very well, I'm going out of my way to help your kids; seeing videos, commenting....as far as I know nobody does that, nobody would have shared their private phone number for messaging or for helping during weekends. I was depressed because of this issue. Today morning ,I did not even attend the meeting, I just disappeared to cycle around in the park. I just needed me time to reflect upon, to think about what I planned in life and what I accomplished in life, what I missed out...this weekend I celebrated my birthday, and everybody like 43, that's it, you're done."

I said, "wait a minute, we started communicating about this topic only from Monday. Yes, I know you do all those nice things. Most of the time you're nice, but sometimes you get detached."

He stared saying, yes, how long can I just give people what they want. I get detached; that's my time. BTW, this weekend, servers were down too, few teachers couldn't enroll their students in the competition. Maybe I missed out your email, as far as I know I read all. I might have thought there was nothing to reply." 

But I said, "how can you not have anything to say when it is such a long email?"

Like that it went on for a while with tears swirling in my eyes, and huge sadness on his face. He said, " I like you. I like working with you. Together we can be productive. He said whenever you need me, call me. Let's keep messaging to do piano videos. When we talk, we hear the voice, will know the tone, but through messages and emails, you really don't know what person is thinking."

Today I emailed him. WHAT! Yes, again:
Thank you for taking time and speaking with me. I don't know why your unresponsiveness gave me such an overwhelming grief. Please accept my apologies for my previous email, and yesterday's attitude. However, I feel about the situation, I know I should not express in such a harsh tone, especially with you. 

Have a nice day!

He emailed me by being too generous in his praises like as if all these happened because I wanted some praises. Or maybe he just wants to cheer me up, and tell indirectly that please focus on music and children..... not on petty things.

"Thank you for your kind email and I consider it water under the bridge. All is well!  I do hope you have a wonderful afternoon and thank you again for your kindness, thoughtfulness and dedication to the music. 

Kindly,"

God, please help me to keep this professional relationship professional. I don't know why I can't expect reply back, but now I know that I have no right to compel him to write one as he owes nothing. I have to accept the way he is and keep my distance. No jokes, no thinking of him having interest on me...all such things. No room for them here until I want to screw my kids music future. 😭

Seeing his sad face made me realize that why I should be the reason to make him sad, worried or ride a bike with depression. If they already have enough  problem, they will get rid off me and sing "I got one less problem without you." 

I'm for stupid reasons, just gets attached to whoever comes in my way, and the worst thing is, I expect 100% best expected behavior from them towards me. It really hurts so much that nobody wants to be totally good with me, do amazing and surprising things for me to keep me exciting, to make me be happy. I guess every little favor he does is because of his dedication to music, and I, for one thinks that he does it for me. Really, who are you? Who do you think yourself as? 😪😭

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