Thursday, September 18, 2014

Oh boy, what a mess!!

Just the "grief" word itself is making me cry. You might want to know what happened yesterday.

It was just shameful display from me. All I can think of is I'm just not at all mature. This is one very reason everybody should have career. I just don't know how to deal with people. On one side, I wanted to skip the class because I did not want to face him, and on the other side, if I skip once for this reason, then I cannot come back in the future. So I have to face him, but I was not at all ready emotionally. I cried in the morning, I cried on my way to the class, and I researched on internet on how to face rude people; nothing helped. Tears just rolled and rolled. Even now, I'm raw with emotions. If it is due to damn impending mensuration or not, I have no idea.

Visualized many scenarios of how our meet up will be. But when the real situation arosed, I avoided him completely during the greeting time and for the whole two classes. He too seriously taught both classes. Finally at the end, he himself told to kids that they should leave the room as he needs to speak with their mom, that is me. 

I acted with him like he is one of my family member. He pulled his chair closed to me and started talking gently by asking what's happening? What do you expect from me? I was like "what do I expect from him?"  started packing to leave by saying I already said what I have to say in the email. He said, "do you know you're email was personal attack? You were accusatory, blaming me for everything. Tell me what go you expect from me? I checked my messages; they were not that late. What are your expectations from me? Do you know we have to respect each other. In my profession that's very important. I like teaching your kids. They will have a great future. They are doing good. If I've to be their teacher, we cannot go on like this. You are not even looking at me. You're just uninterested, and just flipping the pages."

I said, "I'm listening. You too were accusatory; confused about emails you said, and then said the last one...."

He said, "oh actually, instead of text, I said email."

I said, "what's the point of communicating by email when you don't respond -- I'll not know whether email reached or you read or is that off topic for you."

He said, "if you send an email in the weekend, at least you should wait until Monday. You know very well, I'm going out of my way to help your kids; seeing videos, commenting....as far as I know nobody does that, nobody would have shared their private phone number for messaging or for helping during weekends. I was depressed because of this issue. Today morning ,I did not even attend the meeting, I just disappeared to cycle around in the park. I just needed me time to reflect upon, to think about what I planned in life and what I accomplished in life, what I missed out...this weekend I celebrated my birthday, and everybody like 43, that's it, you're done."

I said, "wait a minute, we started communicating about this topic only from Monday. Yes, I know you do all those nice things. Most of the time you're nice, but sometimes you get detached."

He stared saying, yes, how long can I just give people what they want. I get detached; that's my time. BTW, this weekend, servers were down too, few teachers couldn't enroll their students in the competition. Maybe I missed out your email, as far as I know I read all. I might have thought there was nothing to reply." 

But I said, "how can you not have anything to say when it is such a long email?"

Like that it went on for a while with tears swirling in my eyes, and huge sadness on his face. He said, " I like you. I like working with you. Together we can be productive. He said whenever you need me, call me. Let's keep messaging to do piano videos. When we talk, we hear the voice, will know the tone, but through messages and emails, you really don't know what person is thinking."

Today I emailed him. WHAT! Yes, again:
Thank you for taking time and speaking with me. I don't know why your unresponsiveness gave me such an overwhelming grief. Please accept my apologies for my previous email, and yesterday's attitude. However, I feel about the situation, I know I should not express in such a harsh tone, especially with you. 

Have a nice day!

He emailed me by being too generous in his praises like as if all these happened because I wanted some praises. Or maybe he just wants to cheer me up, and tell indirectly that please focus on music and children..... not on petty things.

"Thank you for your kind email and I consider it water under the bridge. All is well!  I do hope you have a wonderful afternoon and thank you again for your kindness, thoughtfulness and dedication to the music. 

Kindly,"

God, please help me to keep this professional relationship professional. I don't know why I can't expect reply back, but now I know that I have no right to compel him to write one as he owes nothing. I have to accept the way he is and keep my distance. No jokes, no thinking of him having interest on me...all such things. No room for them here until I want to screw my kids music future. 😭

Seeing his sad face made me realize that why I should be the reason to make him sad, worried or ride a bike with depression. If they already have enough  problem, they will get rid off me and sing "I got one less problem without you." 

I'm for stupid reasons, just gets attached to whoever comes in my way, and the worst thing is, I expect 100% best expected behavior from them towards me. It really hurts so much that nobody wants to be totally good with me, do amazing and surprising things for me to keep me exciting, to make me be happy. I guess every little favor he does is because of his dedication to music, and I, for one thinks that he does it for me. Really, who are you? Who do you think yourself as? 😊😭

Oh boy, what a mess!!

Just the "grief" word itself is making me cry. You might want to know what happened yesterday. 

It was just shameful display from me. All I can think of us I'm just not at all mature. This is one very reason everybody should have career. I just don't know how to deal with people. One side I wanted to skip the class because I did not want to see him, and on the other side, if I skip once for this reason, then I cannot come back in future too. So I have to face him, but I was not at all ready emotionally. I cried in the morning, I cried on my way to the class, and I researched on internet on how to face rude people; nothing helped. Tears just rolled and rolled. Even now, I'm raw with emotions. If it is due to damn impending mensuration or not, I have no idea.

Visualized many scenarios of how our meet up will be. But when the real situation arises, I avoided during greeting time to seating to during the class. He too seriously taught both classes. Finally at the end, he himself told to kids that they should leave the room as he needs to speak with me. 

I acted with him like he is one of my family member. He pulled his chair closed to me and started talking gently by asking what's happening? What do you expect from me? I was like "what do I expect from him?"  started packing to leave by saying I already said what I have to say in the email. he said, "do you know you're email was personal attack? You were accusatory, blaming me for everything. Tell me what go you expect from me? I checked my messages; they were not that late. What are your expectations from me? Do you know we have to respect each other. In my profession that's very important. I like teaching your kids. They will have a great future. They are doing good. If I've to be their teacher, we cannot go on like this. You are not even looking at me. You're just uninterested, and just flipping the pages."

I said, "I'm listening. You too were accusatory; confused about emails you said, and then said the last one...."

He said, "oh actually, instead of text, I said email."

I said, "what's the point of communicating by email when you don't respond -- I'll not know whether email reached or you read or is that off topic for you. 

He said, "if you send email in the weekend, at least you should wait until Monday. You know very well, I'm going out of my way to help your kids; seeing videos, commenting....as far as I know nobody does that, nobody would have shared their private phone number for messaging or for helping during weekends. I was depressed because of this issue. Today morning I did not even attend the meeting, I just disappeared to cycle around in the park. I just needed me time to reflect upon, to think about what I planned in life and what I accomplished in life, what I missed out...this weekend I celebrated my birthday, and everybody like 43, that's it, you're done."

I said, "wait a minute, we started communicating only from Monday. Yes, I know you do. Most of the time you're nice, but sometimes you get detached."

He stared saying, yes, how long can I just give people what they want. I get detached; that's my time. BTW, this weekend, servers were down too, few teachers couldn't enroll their students in the competition. Maybe I missed out your email, as far as I know I read all. I might have thought there was nothing to reply." 

But I said, "how can you not have anything to say when it is such a long email?"

Like that it went on for a while with tears swirling in my eyes, and huge sadness on his face. He said, " I like you. I like working with you. Together we can be productive. He said whenever you need me, call me. Let's keep messaging to do piano videos. When we talk, we hear the voice, will know the tone, but through messages and emails, you really don't know what person is thinking."

Today I emailed him. WHAT! Yes, again:
Thank you for taking time and speaking with me. I don't know why your unresponsiveness gave me such an overwhelming grief. Please accept my apologies for my previous email, and yesterday's attitude. However, I feel about the situation, I know I should not express in such a harsh tone, especially with you. 

Have a nice day!

He emailed me by being too generous in his praises like as if all these happened because I wanted some praises. Or maybe he just wants to cheer me up, and tell indirectly that please focus on music and children not on petty things.

"Thank you for your kind email and I consider it water under the bridge. All is well!  I do hope you have a wonderful afternoon and thank you again for your kindness, thoughtfulness and dedication to the music. 

Kindly,"

God, please help me to keep this professional relationship professional. I don't know why I can't expect reply back, but now I know that I have no right to compel him to write one as he owes nothing. I have to accept the way he is and keep my distance. No jokes, no thinking of him having interest on me...all such things. No room for them here until I want to screw my kids music future. 😭

Monday, September 15, 2014

It doesn't take long for things to become nasty

Yes, It doesn't take long for things to become nasty, that too when I'm involved in.

Even though I do not want to cry, but I'm. I want to be rough, but I'm just an idiot who takes actions, but don't know how to deal with the reaction.

Sometimes you have to trust your instincts, when I sent an email with the below questions to interview a successful pianist to my kids' teacher, I felt that he might get upset as it happened before too-whenever piano competitions talk comes, he expects that if everything goes all right too, chances of winning is very odd. Even though I had this instinct of him getting upset, I went ahead and sent to him, thinking that he will be okay.

Sample questions:
What is the best thing about participating in piano competitions?

What are the key things a pianist need to poses to be a winner in competitions?

Do you think it is essential for a pianist to win or get some kind of recognition every time they participate in competitions?

Based on your experience and successes, what are some effective ways to practice piano? 

Describe your experience about performing with an orchestra? 

From that day onwards, his communication over messages were just to the point. We have to realize that even tone of our text delivers our mental state. Later on, he did not even bother to reply. So next day, I repeated the same question. Then he answered, but again it was to the point. So I jokingly verified the reason behind his unemoticon texts. As usual, people push it on being busy at work. Ha!

That day I asked him whether I can help him out by recording the master class. For which, he did not reply. So for next day class, I was gloomy and disturbed that why people insult me by not replying. Why they don't think that I deserve reply and respect? As usual he said some lies to cover up, but I was already disheartened with his mannerisms, lies, coverup. Why can't people speak truth, confront the other person by letting them know what bothered them. But no, they don't, fear of showing any kind of weakness. Of course, they are comfortable with lies, but don't want to deal with feelings. Oooh, feelings!!!

But by second class, I was okay, at least I started looking him in the eye. To my surprise he became alright and outwardly, we started talking normally, and he even for the first time, wished me to have a great week.

Next day, it was his birthday. I planned from  long time to surprise and wish him on that day. So I kept my angry thoughts aside and wished him wholeheartedly.

Let me start my email

W

I

T


I don't know I feel like something special about today. Yes, nice weather outside. What a break from hot weather!! But something else...

What could it be?







ðŸ“Ē🌟✨ðŸŽķI wish you a very warm  happy birthday and may every wish you have come true!ðŸŽķ

Have a fantabulous, memorable, cheerful, humongous birthday!!!!

I did not use his name, and had to use emoticons, even though interiorly, I was not cheering that much. That's when I understood, people cannot use emoticons and act out cheerful when in inside you don't even want to communicate. I did not feel sorry this time while teaching inbetween the class, he desperately tried to get my attention by being too funny as he was the one who acted out disrespectfully. 

He replied:
Thank you for your warm and heart-felt birthday wish!!!  :-)  I sometimes feel my age, but mostly feel like I’m 32.  ;-)

I did not reply because I did not feel like. I did not reply next day's generic email.  So after couple of days, what happened to my attitude you think. Aaah, terrible me melted when he sent a video to my daughter during her midweek check up. This was the first time, he took his time to record a video about how to play correctly. This was the first time, I did not contact him directly, but made my kids to directly deal with him. At the end of the day, I sent a long email of why I liked the video, and how he should do same kind of videos while teaching too. It was a good email, but like the way how I read the mental state of him, he too would have guessed something might have gone wrong.

In that same email, I requested to point out good youTube videos for my son to incorporate some emotional and physical behavior pianists display during performances.

He obliged to my request, at least that's what I thought as he still did not reply to my email. So the next day, I sent another email:

"Thank you for guiding my son to watch Mr. Barenboim's video. Was it based on my request or your own voluntary decision, either way I sincerely appreciate your time and feedback.

But special thanks if it was based on my request!!!"

As usual, no reply of any kind. So finally after crying and going through his old emails, I acted out by sending a text, just like the he requested in previous scenario- nudge me gently to reply.

So I sent text by saying:"nudging you just like the way you told--how are we doing today?"

Misery, misery....no reply, the iPhone says he read, but no reply.

DISGUSTING to the nth degree.

Finally, I have to directly deal with it. So I texted, "are you giving me silent treatment? Seriously?? May I know the reason?"

Yes, that worked. He texted back by saying, "no treatment, just confused by some of the emails. Good that your son like the video."

CONFUSED BY SOME OF THE EMAILS.....what???

I emailed him by saying would he like to share what caused the confusion, then he backtracked by saying just one email which looks like written hastily and sorry for my abrupt text. 

So this time I made sure to use "Dear" while addressing him, and continued writing:
You're ticked off by something, and don't feel like communicating with me. I can sense it. Well, I don't want to prolong and waste your valuable time.
Let us just leave it!!
Have a great day!!!
**********************
Oh God, the irritating email ever sent by him: Ok, I’m not ticked off…I just sense that I don’t understand what I should
be angry about… it is all confusing to me.  I guess I was really confused
when you said I was giving you the silent treatment. Oh, well, I’m letting
it go.  :-)

I do hope you have a wonderful day though and hope the kids have a great
performance class.
It irritated me so much, that I decided to write back:Totally right, there is nothing to be ticked off. But when you choose not to respond or acknowledge my thoughts or give your own variation about the subject matter which was discussed in the email, then there will be confusion of why the amiable person chose to be silent. 
Two emails plus one text, and still no sign of yours when all were addressed only to you. That's called silent treatment, my friend --the dreadful cold shoulder. 

Even the society backs me up--not replying to someone is not only rude but disrespectful. Why do you want to do to someone as nice as me.😉

Yes, I'll put a leash on my communication frequency.

No worries, I'll have a wonderful day, as you kindly responded. ☺

I'm not expecting apology, but just good understanding between each other -- the one which makes us to be proud of.

Hope you'll be alright!!!
**************************
Thank god he did not reply back, but kids have piano class today. Have to see whether he will take defensive or truly sorry role. Yes, he is the same person who two weeks ago made my heart feel warm when he said: It is such a pleasure to be all those things and offer you those qualities as they are also a reflection of your care and devotion to the work we do together. Thank you for your kind words and I look forward to seeing the videos this week. :-)
***********************************
My heart cries out so much for being plain stupid. I should never ever write a lengthy or friendly emails or text. I should keep him at bay. My heart is so broken that everybody can easily insult me. Not having career gives othesr leeway to think me as I'm some kind of dumb. 
Act out like nothing bothering him, and then not replying to my emails, and still acting like I don't know what for I should be angry off. CRAZY people!!
Hope my stupidity won't make my kids pull out of good piano institution. :-/
Wish me luck for today!!! Once someone is gay, he will always be a gay. Is it me or even busy working people too get upset when someone doesn't respond.
I don't want to have arguements with others, but eventually it happens. 😭
No one will ever be good with me. 😊
Is this real cry or PMS sadness, who knows. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

If I was a music teacher...

Yesterday, I went to watch a master class, where a guest lecture will meet local young pianists and guides them based on his/her performance.

The guest pianist touch on piano itself gave a different kind of tone. That made me realize how experience makes you know the strengths and weakness of the piano; where to touch the keys, how lightly to touch, how to produce muffled sound, rich sound....

What I do differently from the way piano teachers are teaching is by writing stories to some famous pieces, which gives a learner- the guidance about what the piece is expecting, what was the motive of the composer behind the chords or the notes. Without knowing the path, how can someone know the way. And that too this kind of addressing should be  done when the piece is given. I think it will really help.

For example, when Haydn's sonata in E minor was given to my son, and later after six months progressed, the teacher asked him to come up with a storyline, then while performing think about presenting the story to the audience. He panicked. He couldn't think of anything. He was like the same tune is playing over and over, so if this piece is between a good and bad guy, the same scenario is going to happen again and again. He was like I don't know how to write a story, what is there to think when same melody is repeating.

Even though he watched Phantom of the Opera, he couldn't relate how even though same tune is played out, the story line moves, different scenarios will be played. The story doesn't stall, or the same scene won't repeat, because the same melody is played again and again.

So I write a story for him: this is between an alien and a human. I have to use alien to make the story interesting for him. You know how boys like aliens. Ha!


Don't chase me, don't chase me don't chase me
I'm pleading you 
I'm requesting you go away
Go away
Go away to your world .
Don't come near me 
I don't need you
I don't want you
Stop chasing me
Stop harassing me
I have nothing to do with you
I'm a free bird who wants to fly happily.
Don't chain me up in your shackles
I'm a free soul who wants to enjoy the colors of the world
I want it love peacefully with my fellow beings who are like me
Who love me, understand me, connect with me
Who like me have dreams of bright future
We are humans you know.
You're from a different world, you're an alien
Who has nothing to do with humans so stop chasing me.
Our every act looks strange to us, you are just curious for now, you ll get bored later.
So stop chasing me
Stop harassing me
Stop following me

Go away don't come close to me
Look at your hands and at your body 
I don't fit in your world
I plead you
Show mercy, aww it pains don't touch me go away please go away don't follow me I hate you I despise you you're torturing me. Is anybody there to save me, help help help anybody there our there help help hellllllppppppp

What do you want from me, stop chasing me please I don't belong to you listen to me stop chasing me, I want to go home 
No, I don't need your spaceship, no I don't want to get in, let. E go let me go let me go to my home
let me go, I'll be your friend but I won't come with you 
Oh my god you have your friends there are all over me there are coming closer to me, don't come close to me I'm going to jump off the cliff, I swear I'm going to jump, don't come close to me. I'll throw the rocks at you I'll hurt you, I'll scream I'll spoil your space ship, don't dare to come close

Pleads them to let her go 

You should listen to the first movement of Haydn Sonata in E minor. You literally feel like someone is haunting you, and they are coming from all the directions- inching closer and closer with increasing force. No where to escape, other than plead for their mercy. Such a great piece!!

The other thing I change in Classical music is the brochure. No layman can understand what any piece is trying to convey. Instead of just mentioning the song and the composer, to generate interest, they should inform of what to hear, what to notice, what's the neat or odd thing about the piece and basically, what to look for and how it is different compare to other pieces by the same composer. Whenever I hear a piece in recitals, other than the one my kids are playing, I cannot connect or appreciate them, unless something very catchy or captures you forcefully, like Gillock's Fountain in the Rain. Whenever I sit in these group classes, the same thing happens; I don't appreciate the piece, but once the instructor plays few parts, and expresses about what kind of sound should come, what we are trying to project ...that's when I'm like-oh, I should've tried to hear with that particular thought. Now, you understand- a little bit of explanation about the piece should be given to the audience.

Some of the key things from what I remember from yesterday's master class are:

How to gaze to the heavenly body when you have to project a slant line shooting to the sky and inching towards high pitch.

How to stress on chords which suddenly appear out of nowhere, showing the contrast in the piece in which it was written. 

How to muffle the sound. How to generate a light touch to give the sound of water splashing.

How and why to show contrast if the same melody repeats.

How and why to sway your body based on the flow of the music. 

How and why to take pauses in between the piece, and make the audience get interested by playing a guessing game. 

How to play the secondary notes skillfully to make the audience sway to the other sounds the piece is producing where the main melody by default captures everybody's ears.

It is really tough to teach kids or to anybody when you really don't feel the music, when you don't understand what's happening in the music.


Monday, September 8, 2014

Why the good ones have be gay?

Just now, I heard Van Cliburn's Tchaikovsky performance on WRR, which made me search for him on google. Turned out that he was gay. Why oh why, nothing wrong to be gay, but why all good ones have to be gay 😊.

I think one of the essential feature to be a great pianist is YOU HAVE TO BE GAY!! A normal man cannot project the emotions of the demanding piece. Listen to some of the classical pieces, they are filled with emotions, sadness, delicacy....
For example, listen to Mozart's concerto no. 20 second movement, which is Stalin's favorite piece. I bet whoever listens to that piece will have a good cry.

I guess lot of composers of classical music might be gay. It is just that during that time they did not have the concept of gayness. So they might have thought, what a weird feeling, but would have not pursued as folks nowadays do. 

Nowadays, I really feel so good when someone is not gay. It is not that I'm going to get them, but it feels so good when they are from my community. Because once they are gay, they are unreachable forever, which makes me feel lonely that they will never try to impress or be nice with me, because I'm no use for them. Ha! 

Just the thought of this itself makes me be so happy that yay, the Lufthansa flight attendant was not gay. Otherwise, as if I have chance of meeting him, but just that thought, satisfies me immensively. I feel so thankful for that. Otherwise, he and I would have never made that special connection or would have not gone through those special moments.

I am following a gay Italian Lufthansa flight attendant on Twitter. Through him, I try to see my guy's lifestyle, but this guy sometimes poses with his boyfriend. He loves to take him around the world. Once  they posed in a jacuzzi in Spain, next time is front of Niagara falls, and once in Los Angeles. Sometimes I feel like contacting him to find my guy. I feel like saying to him that please find him, all I want to do is follow him, not to speak with him, but just follow. Haha...who will pass the information in such a weird case. What can I do- I'm already taken, but because of that day's special moments, I am far ever connected with him. I want to know who he is, what's his name, what are his priorities, where does he travel, what does he do when he travels all around the world, what kind of girls he prefer.....so on....just want to know him.

Numerous times I  thank God that YAY, he is not GAY. 

Friday, September 5, 2014

The words that made me feel warm

"It is such a pleasure to be all those things and offer you those qualities as they are also a reflection of your care and devotion to the work we do together. Thank you for your kind words and I look forward to seeing the videos this week. :-)" 

There are words that can tear you, and there are some precious words that can build you, expresses that you are worthy than you think of yourself. These are the words that is like a blanket filled with warmthness, snugging you with pure affection. Do these words, feelings last forever? Any ill-feelings happen later, will these words matter? No, they are there for now. Yes, in a blink, things change, people change, thoughts change, priorities change! Enjoy it, treasure it, while the feelings last. For now, thank you to the person who  stimulated peace and warm feelings!!