Friday, June 20, 2014

Argh...the constant battle within my brain

I'm not interested in anything. I don't feel like talking with anybody. The people whom I'm interested in are not interested in me. I cannot even put into words about my hatredness towards me. I hate my behavior, my way of thinking, I hate the way I give importance to people. Why the hell I bother about people who are new in my life? Why do they take priority in my damn life? Why the hell I constantly need a certain people's attention? Why can't I behave like my age? When do I really, really believe and execute that people don't make you happy, but real happiness comes when you accomplish something. Don't we still need certain special to share our success with, once the joy of success has been felt?

I screw my mood and my whole day just because someone did not act the way I wished them to act. It tortures me so much that I'm giving away my life and my day to some meaningless temporary people. I'm so ashamed of the tears I shed for my stupidity and for not having higher things to accomplish in my life and that I cry over senseless stuff.

There is no single person on Earth who can totally sweep me away with happiness. No single person who is head over heels over me, and it bothers me so much. Ahh...the pain for having such wishes, I hate myself. How to grow over such thoughts, other than calling myself stupid?

Really, why couldn't he respond to my message before leaving to Spain? Why people out of nowhere do good, and behave exceptionally well, and when I start expecting the uniformity...ahh..they don't act or express the way I want.

The message for which I waited, if it would have come, I would have thought that I finally found a guy friend for lifelong, I found someone whom I can count on, I found someone who gives priority if I get upset, or knows very well about what ticks me off.

No such luck!!!

Why I keep on counting on strangers to give priority to me? I need to use the technique of wearing a rubber band over my wrist and pulling it hard whenever I overly prioritize strangers and expect them to act like I'm their no. 1 priority. I read about this technique in 
  1. "Absolutely, Positively Not
    Book by David LaRochelle". Really a good read, made me realize how difficult it is for someone to realize that that they are different from the rest and have to adapt life accordingly. It is about a teenager who eventually finds out that he is a gay. In this book, the character learns to use the rubber band technique whenever he gets deviant thoughts over same sex humans.

    I should punish myself in such a way that I should never, never expect favoritism from strangers or that matter from any soul on the Earth. People disappoint me. I hate that humans have to depend so much on this unreliable brain which expresses emotions, attachments over others based on the diet, or chemical balance.

    Oh serotonin  going down,... here eat some dark chocolates, everything will be alright. If the guy doesn't care for you, no problem, suddenly you will forget that you are facing a crisis once you have this dark chocolate...PROBLEM SOLVED!!

    That's how our damn brain works!! I want a brain that makes be creative and finds happiness in my accomplishments, and not deprive me from happiness because someone has not reciprocating the way I want them to be. GROW UP!!! 

                  My recent painting!!

    Argh, I even thought to paint for him some beautiful place and give as a gift for being nice with me!! What the hell is wrong with me?? Why does stupid brain of mine, exaggerate things?? Why do I believe people do much? Why I don't know how not to prioritize someone so highly? The more you expect from the world, the more they disappointment you!!! PERIOD!


    After a hour and half, he read my message, I waited and waited in anticipation of his message, informing him that he is ready to leave...even thought maybe at the airport...nah, no reply to my message "what are you doing to Spain team? If formality game was not there, they would have reached Spain before you. Did you promise them some kind of party?"

    Even though he was extremely good with me, this recent no-reply show took away everything. It loudly says that I don't care for you and your messages, I'm off to Spain. All the act with you is going to stop right now. Why I'm 100% sure because he updated his status and profile picture, but did not find time to reply which loudly says that I'm off from his brain. Yes, of course, everybody raises the same question, including me: why the hell you think that you're his no. 1 priority? Why? Just because he gave additional 30 min class before leaving to Spain, and just because he discussed his personal pie contest with his friends, or about his investment house, oh so you'll become his oh-so-important person!!! GROW UP, STUPID!!! 

    "MISS YOU" - doesn't even make sense. BULLSHIT!!

    And on top of that, he is GAYYYYYYYY! Why the hell he cares about a woman, and her feelings??? 
    Do we have to constantly talk about Gayness? Don't people create bond just by being humans with other human beings? Does the "feelings" always have to rely on sexual attraction? 
    Would you have cared for him if he was not an opposite sex(as you cannot see his gayness)? 
    Maybe not this level!! The hell, I don't know!! All I want is someone to make me as their No. 1 priority, but alas no one, not even my husband. Let the tears roll!! Not even Lufthansa Steward!! Why you all come on my life then????

    I don't know what's motive behind everybody's action, but I really felt like I'm going to miss him, and that was the reason, I messaged him in the evening after watching Spain's World Cup soccer game, for which he did not respond.

    YES JT, you too, stop singing "Not A Bad Thing"

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