Friday, June 20, 2014

Argh...the constant battle within my brain

I'm not interested in anything. I don't feel like talking with anybody. The people whom I'm interested in are not interested in me. I cannot even put into words about my hatredness towards me. I hate my behavior, my way of thinking, I hate the way I give importance to people. Why the hell I bother about people who are new in my life? Why do they take priority in my damn life? Why the hell I constantly need a certain people's attention? Why can't I behave like my age? When do I really, really believe and execute that people don't make you happy, but real happiness comes when you accomplish something. Don't we still need certain special to share our success with, once the joy of success has been felt?

I screw my mood and my whole day just because someone did not act the way I wished them to act. It tortures me so much that I'm giving away my life and my day to some meaningless temporary people. I'm so ashamed of the tears I shed for my stupidity and for not having higher things to accomplish in my life and that I cry over senseless stuff.

There is no single person on Earth who can totally sweep me away with happiness. No single person who is head over heels over me, and it bothers me so much. Ahh...the pain for having such wishes, I hate myself. How to grow over such thoughts, other than calling myself stupid?

Really, why couldn't he respond to my message before leaving to Spain? Why people out of nowhere do good, and behave exceptionally well, and when I start expecting the uniformity...ahh..they don't act or express the way I want.

The message for which I waited, if it would have come, I would have thought that I finally found a guy friend for lifelong, I found someone whom I can count on, I found someone who gives priority if I get upset, or knows very well about what ticks me off.

No such luck!!!

Why I keep on counting on strangers to give priority to me? I need to use the technique of wearing a rubber band over my wrist and pulling it hard whenever I overly prioritize strangers and expect them to act like I'm their no. 1 priority. I read about this technique in 
  1. "Absolutely, Positively Not
    Book by David LaRochelle". Really a good read, made me realize how difficult it is for someone to realize that that they are different from the rest and have to adapt life accordingly. It is about a teenager who eventually finds out that he is a gay. In this book, the character learns to use the rubber band technique whenever he gets deviant thoughts over same sex humans.

    I should punish myself in such a way that I should never, never expect favoritism from strangers or that matter from any soul on the Earth. People disappoint me. I hate that humans have to depend so much on this unreliable brain which expresses emotions, attachments over others based on the diet, or chemical balance.

    Oh serotonin  going down,... here eat some dark chocolates, everything will be alright. If the guy doesn't care for you, no problem, suddenly you will forget that you are facing a crisis once you have this dark chocolate...PROBLEM SOLVED!!

    That's how our damn brain works!! I want a brain that makes be creative and finds happiness in my accomplishments, and not deprive me from happiness because someone has not reciprocating the way I want them to be. GROW UP!!! 

                  My recent painting!!

    Argh, I even thought to paint for him some beautiful place and give as a gift for being nice with me!! What the hell is wrong with me?? Why does stupid brain of mine, exaggerate things?? Why do I believe people do much? Why I don't know how not to prioritize someone so highly? The more you expect from the world, the more they disappointment you!!! PERIOD!


    After a hour and half, he read my message, I waited and waited in anticipation of his message, informing him that he is ready to leave...even thought maybe at the airport...nah, no reply to my message "what are you doing to Spain team? If formality game was not there, they would have reached Spain before you. Did you promise them some kind of party?"

    Even though he was extremely good with me, this recent no-reply show took away everything. It loudly says that I don't care for you and your messages, I'm off to Spain. All the act with you is going to stop right now. Why I'm 100% sure because he updated his status and profile picture, but did not find time to reply which loudly says that I'm off from his brain. Yes, of course, everybody raises the same question, including me: why the hell you think that you're his no. 1 priority? Why? Just because he gave additional 30 min class before leaving to Spain, and just because he discussed his personal pie contest with his friends, or about his investment house, oh so you'll become his oh-so-important person!!! GROW UP, STUPID!!! 

    "MISS YOU" - doesn't even make sense. BULLSHIT!!

    And on top of that, he is GAYYYYYYYY! Why the hell he cares about a woman, and her feelings??? 
    Do we have to constantly talk about Gayness? Don't people create bond just by being humans with other human beings? Does the "feelings" always have to rely on sexual attraction? 
    Would you have cared for him if he was not an opposite sex(as you cannot see his gayness)? 
    Maybe not this level!! The hell, I don't know!! All I want is someone to make me as their No. 1 priority, but alas no one, not even my husband. Let the tears roll!! Not even Lufthansa Steward!! Why you all come on my life then????

    I don't know what's motive behind everybody's action, but I really felt like I'm going to miss him, and that was the reason, I messaged him in the evening after watching Spain's World Cup soccer game, for which he did not respond.

    YES JT, you too, stop singing "Not A Bad Thing"

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Happy 3rd Annivesary


How are you doing? Are you traveling today somewhere? Do you still remember me? Not a chance, right? Well, don't worry, I don't feel bad. Yes, I also moved on. I don't think about you everyday nor watch the painting of you adoringly. We were strangers, and will remain strangers. Nowadays when I look at my face, I don't like my drawn out face, my tired eyes, my boring persona...I cannot relate to you or our three years ago moment. I don't see that happy, bright, a feeling of special face with which you filled and left me with. It all feels like somewhere I read that beautiful story between two beautiful people...there was some unique bond between them. With heavy heart, I write that there is no such thing now. All those feelings are gone because I don't believe in anything. All I believe is people come and people go, everybody can be replaced by anybody, the pain which we feel for someone stays as long as you don't find a substitute. That's exactly what happened with me. Even though I had feelings/thoughts for you, I tried to find the same somewhere else. Yes for shorter while, it felt like kids' music teacher was taking the place...made me felt like he may like me. I thought he is the one who will take away the pain of losing you. Along that way, I found that gays will not have any kind of feeling towards woman...they may encourage the thought of some kind of chemistry to only to have fun and feel good about themselves, but later on everything fades away and they will always remain getting attracted to only guys. That's why I so hate gays.

Even after three years, I still feel like thanking you for coming into my life, even though it was such a short time, but still it was such a sweet sweet romantic beginning....wish it has an equally beautiful ending. Wish I was somebody else on that day who could easily walk away with you to wherever you wanted to  take me to.

Sam Smith's song

"Oh, won't you stay with me?

Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me" playing in my head right now."

I especially played out our meeting while I watched John Newman's  "will you love me again" video. Those two characters totally displayed the interaction between us: how the whole time they were into each other like as if nobody existed in the room, how the way their eyes locked into each other sending secret messages,  the way so intently the male character watched the female. It was so like us. 

When I watched Sam Smith's video "latch", I wished how wonderful it could have been if we expressed that deep to each other. I guess when you miss someone so deep, thinking physically about someone maybe not that wrong. 

The other day I had a hard time finding a right birthday card for my husband, because the way the cards expressed love or high regard for a husband, I don't feel or see that way. We really don't have any sweet bond between us. We are just going on the route God chose for both of us, but there is no connection whatsoever like the way hallmark cards speak.

Again, Sam Smith's song 

"Oh, won't you stay with me?

Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me" playing in my head right now."

My heart really cries out when I hear John Legend's " All of me". Wish you could sing that song for me, or at least have that kind of feelings for me. If you still think of me, I'll assure you we will meet again. Even though I will not be traveling by Lufthansa, we will meet somewhere if you and me are still thinking about each other. Look what I received in my recent fortune cookie:

Wish you all the best. Whenever I think of you, it still makes me feel like you're someone whom I know from long long time. God, I miss that day. What an awesome, unexpected beautiful surprise!! Wish I could go back in time and see our play. Wish I could tell you that how much you mean to me, and how much I want to thank you for giving me that beautiful moment.

You make me, you make me feel so incredible
You and I, you and I feels – unbelievable
You make it, you make it so undeniable

A million hearts, you're the only one
Who lights it up like I'm glowing in the dark
A million hearts, you're the only one
Who lights me up, like I'm glowing in the dark

That's how exactly I felt for almost six months after meeting you.

OMG, my heart is beating with excitement when the past meeting time is approaching. Cheers to wherever you're!! Have a fabulous time. Remember, I'll always think about you during this time!! Wish you could hear me!!:(

Ich liebe dich!!
Ich vermisse dich!! 

Take care!!