Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Why I'm reading Philomena after watching the movie?

Such a heartbreaking story between an Irish mother and her unreachable son, but what intrigued me was to know more about this son who died because of AIDS. I wanted to know Gay man's life, why do they get AIDS, how do they even become gay, at what age do they really figure out that they are gays, why can't they find woman attractive....

I skipped the whole part of Philomena, and jumped right to Michael Hess story. Believe me, you never feel like leaving the book for a second. This book totally covers every question you have regarding gay people. This book totally made me cry, felt sorry for gay people, and for adopted people,  felt sympathy towards people whose life's are screwed up at such a young and helpless stages, but at the same time sickened me to follow a gay man's story. Whenever he had an encounter with a woman, I was like, oh please, let him feel her attractive, let him love this woman, oh wish, she can change him, but oh no, they can do everything with woman - friend check, dance partner check, giving gifts and be lovely and pleasing check, but eventually they will get attracted to men, like as if women have nothing to give. Their love stories with other men, emotions, changing moods, betrayal, relationship sagas, flirting stages, the first kisses or the stolen kisses....everything I ever witnessed among straight people, happens with them. So irritating, at one point of time, I felt like they should have their own land(yes, that is rude to think in that way as they are someone's brother, or someone's son), so that straight ones don't see these disturbing images of same sex kissing and cuddling. Yes, love is same whoever it might be, I understand that, but it is really kind of creepy to see a guy loving another guy. I do understand that God made them like that, and I very well understand that they too wish to be normal, but it is still disturbing. When I was new to gayness, I was quite interested in knowing them, especially when I heard that they can be good friends with woman.

It just makes me sad that why..why God plays such pranks on humans. I know for sure that they are wired like that to behave in such a way, and they have no control, but how far can we stretch this theory of that's how we are wired, so excuse us for our behavior. What about pedophiles, or humans who love to have sex with animals or rapists or murderers, psychopaths,...somewhere we have to draw a line - saying that this is not normal. If we keep on watching gay love, we surely not going to find any guy attractive...all I can think of as a woman is what's wrong with us, that he find other guy attractive...and IT IS IRRITATING ME. At least for society's sake, whoever is more feminine, please wear a wig to look like a woman, so it won't creep that much. I think it just takes time to accept such things, and once it is done, it won't be creepy.



About this Philomena story, I really feel so sad for this guy who dies without knowing about his mom's love or her search, but he believed in his heart that she is in search for him. What puzzles me  is - how he felt the attachment to his mom until his death, but why he did not show any remorse for losing his beloved David or Mark. Especially David, who was so devoted.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Is it good to over praise or over communicate?

I don't know about others, but I totally get scared if someone praises me. The reason I came up with is: it puts lot of pressure, pressure to keep the standards high. I rather not hear anybody praise or expect anything from me, but do you know what it does, when nobody expects anything from you - either you don't work hard as you have to prove to anybody or you will work hard as it might be giving you inner satisfaction. Which is better? Of course, I go for the later one.

Lately, this song "All of you" by John Legend, makes me emotional. This song keep on plays in back of my mind, especially when I think about this gay music teacher.

Can really someone love you so much that they love your weaknesses too? What can drive someone to love someone for a longtime? Why will they not get distracted for things which are much more new and gives instant pleasure? 

No, I'm not attracted to him or anything, but sometimes I get struck by his attention; he gives way too much attention to my needs and wishes. Gives over the top to be nice with me. Of course, I appreciate and acknowledge directly his every act, and even praise him to the highest degree possible. I don't know whether he is extremely nice because I praise him or is he carting a certain kind of affinity towards me.

Someone in my place would have enjoyed the attention and the importance, but I'm becoming emotional, because such things won't last. All it does is screw up your brain. It makes you want more, once things end.

Im so confused; am I misconstruing all his good deeds because he is a guy, or is there something going on. Damn, I always insult myself with my abnormal behavior.

For the December recital, he almost shivered when I gave him handshake. For last Saturday's recital, I literally saw desire to talk, and express the feelings about how the recital went, and at the same time witnessed his uneasiness. He is a professor for God's sake...why will he panic to talk with an ordinary woman like me. He really tries his best not to disappoint me, especially with iMessages as he knows that I'll get upset if he won't respond promptly. He even kept his read receipt on, on his iPhone, not even my husband cares that much to respond me. When there was a Spring break, I literally watched his anticipation of knowing what I did, where I went, how I spent my break...there was so much curiosity which clearly depicted that he missed. Once he even skipped a jump in his thrill to see me. There are so many signs that he likes me. Really damn, that being a guy he is confusing me, only thing keeping me under composure is I KNOW HE IS GAY, and I did research on Gays on google, they become best friend of woman - woman starts fantasizing about him, but the research clearly informed that they will never become straight.

Sometimes I feel like he is mirror image of me, if I pour love, he pours it back . If I show attitude, oh yeah, he doesn't mind to show me the wrath.

No doubt, I really admire him, he fulfills almost all my request, gives top priority, will be extremely gentle and caring, remembers all my conversations and executes it when time is appropriate. Listening to what I say and giving top priority, that's the one is making me all lovey-dovey towards him, because I don't get that kind of sweet treatment from my husband itself.

Read my recent email to him after the way the recital went - totally fabulous as my kids performed Debussy's duet "En Bateau" which made the crowd emotional and totally astonished to see a brother and sister pull off so perfectly.

*********************************************************************************
Warning:  It is going to be a long read. 

Hi,

I bet you had a great day yesterday. Well, I couldn't stop smiling the whole day. I was so up in the sky...didn't want to come down. We were outside for the whole day...in between reminisced the best of everything. 

One of the major source of happiness is you. If I said to someone that I want a talented, knowledgable teacher who is sincere and passionate about teaching, good communicator, gives top priority to kids growth, immaculately plans and prioritizes according to kid's skill,  if I 

needed help, sincerely support us in between classes, even on weekends, and really listen to what I've to say related to music or to my kids, or any general view, and give totally high regard to my wishes, and almost certain of getting it done then everybody would have suggested; you're not being realistic; you'll never find such an unselfish, consolidated  person. I couldn't have dreamed a better person than you as even dreams have limits based on experiences and 
not knowing the boundaries of human kindness.

I don't know how to say - giving  importance to everything I say(almost) or anything I wish(almost)...your thoughtful way of executing and sincerely making sure of things I wished it to happen, and that too instantly...how can I be so lucky to find such a sweet- sweet person....touch wood...rapport between us is what making things go so smoothly and successfully, and of course you being so flexible and willingness to listen to others need/desire.  In such a shorter duration to have such a deeper connection is unimaginable.  If I become emotional for my kids' performance, there is nothing special, but for you to become emotional in such a shorter span depicts our special connection, and the valuable, unselfish time you invested in their progress.

Yesterday's duet would have not been possible, if you were not flexible and open minded, but there you are, just within few days came up with the best piece for them to learn, and planned so well for it to work flawlessly.

Are we in honeymoon phase where we both are so amicable, and wonderful (few hiccups here and there..haha), or are we really going to be forever like this, truly a great team?

Sometimes I feel like I don't even have to communicate, you just know what I wish to say. It is just that I don't have patience to wait. Haha....Otherwise, I am sure of experiencing Sonata or Invention type surprises, which I loved it dearly.

Wish I could take it for granted. Well, I know things won't work that way. I just wish that you remain forever like the way you're now. May the best understanding and wisdom prevail between us. All these goodness you bestow on us is not because we are still in beginning stages 
when usually understanding will be rosy, temperament will be under control, and things or 

people will look much more interesting. It is not that I'm undermining you as a person, I'm 
talking in general of how humans function.

Yes,  I'm very well aware that you're the matured one among us. You exactly know how to react and how to balance, and you have lot of experience in dealing with people.

You're a sincere teacher with lot of patience, and vast knowledge to share. It is really a joy to watch you teaching. 

Sorry, we did not get a chance to say bye to each other yesterday. I know I cut you off when you were trying to say something related to videos, and in that process, I missed out to hear your thoughts. Well, that happens whenever I'm  in ecstatic mood...haha...

We are the best combo ever, don't you think? 

This is what is called as being at a right place at a right time with the right person.

Everything I wished and beyond is within you. Not to boast, but my son is the best student any  teacher can ever ask for, but with your sincerity, in depth knowledge, passion for your work and being a good communicator, and with his hard work, sincerity and 100% reliable,  both are so perfectly matched.  I know my daughter is trying to inch towards to close the gap to reach to your expectation level of performance.

I don't know why I find it so easy to communicate and share with you whatever I exactly feel like. Maybe deep down I think that you are okay with my long emails..haha.

Pardon my long email as you're the source of my happiness, I've to let you know.

Looking forward to see you on Wednesday.

Thank you for everything!!

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I don't know how it feels if someone praises me that much. I'll be emotional and will not be knowing how to respond.

This is how he responded:
Thank you so much for these heart-felt words.  I know this is a short email, but I wanted to reply upon reading it. 

We are a terrific team and it is my sincerest pleasure to teach your children music and piano. 

Thank you so much for this thoughtful note.

Sincerely,
****
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Now, I feel embarrassed. How should I control my emotions? Why should I let other person know every tiny thought in my head? This was the specific reason I maintain blog, to put every thought out here. Is it really bad to express too much? He also shows in other kind of way. So, what's wrong? Why later on, it makes me uncomfortable? Don't express, then you're not truthful to your feelings....express: things look weird. Argh!!! In my email, I didn't use "dear" word while addressing, so I did not get in return. Haha...

Only solution, I should not get close to people. Things won't look weird, if everybody acts like me. Haha..