Thursday, April 17, 2014

The day couldn't have been better!!

I did not expect anything good at all, but OMG, amazing, unbelievable things happened. First of all, if you've read my previous posts, you would have known the feud between me and my kids principal. So we never make eye to eye contact, we never acknowledge each other, she never takes my name, even when she communicates by email, but thanks to myself for becoming a yearbook chair, I gained all the needed respect from her. Yesterday, she even addressed me with the word "dear" in her email. 

This is how she acknowledged my work on the yearbook:
"Thank you for giving a huge amount of your time and creativity to the yearbook. It is wonderful! I love the front cover!"

Now, let us talk about the music teacher, the one about whom I blog more than I should be. Recently, his mannerisms, his demeanor has been more towards annoying to not to so fascinating person. Even though, he opted to help in during weekends by watching kids video while piano practice and passing along comments via iMessage, I kind off lost interest in him, mainly the way he dresses , and the way he is so out of focus and disorganized, and little bit due to his shrewd nature. It was really sweet when he even switched on the read receipt on iMessage. I myself don't do such a thing. Our understanding between each other was becoming better, but still the way he used to look at me and the sincerity, he used to display was lacking, even though his communication and friendliness towards me peaked.

Last weekend, I came to know that he actually did not give any free lessons like the way I thought he did based on his love for teaching, and the way my kids respond to his teaching, but apparently not. It was all timed in perfectly to teach 43 lessons per year. That really switched me off - I thought he was nice or acts nice, just as a part of his job, and can never really make a connection to anybody other than to his boyfriend or to his gay life. I was totally disappointed with the way he timed in; invited us during Thanksgiving, winter break under the pretext of how much he loved teaching, but when Spring break came, no classes as there was no reason to give lessons because he taught right no. of classes by that time.

Even though, he was emailing backhand forth in jovial way, I kept the communication in more formal way, because in my heart, I thought he was just bogus. And that or something else offended him, and he stopped communicating on iMessage even though the message shows that he read and he knows quite well that I will presume that I made him upset. How does he know this? Because I told him in one of our chats. 

Anyway, after I presumed that he is upset, I wore an email:
"I know, I was not very friendly in my replies to your emails. Sorry, I was in a crappy mood. Yes, I know, I should not expect you to make a room for me, if I come late to the class...rule is rule. I mentioned only for that day as that is a school room to start early to beat the traffic. My way of framing the sentence might have looked more like a command. Sorry about that, but such a thing will happen sometimes if you're becoming familiar and constantly communicating with someone.

Beyond that, I don't know what I did to upset you.  I know for sure that you're upset. Otherwise, I would have received at least a word in reply.😔 Because nowadays, you were extremely sweet in your timing and in your replies.

I'm just a mediator between you and the let you know how they are doing at home or what they are thinking about practice or what problems they are facing during practice. It is no way to interfere in your teaching methodology.

Maybe you're just rolling with things and not even aware that you did not reply, and here I'm boring you with my email. 

Hope we will be normal on Wednesday."

And for which he replied:
"I had forgotten about replying. I had intended to reply to the question about the amount of time practiced. I know your son  was asking about this as I have asked him to practice using 3 x 3 practice at different speeds. 

Ultimately with the level of repertoire he is performing limits his ability to cover every section of every piece each day. He will need to prioritize sections that need the most work and use the balance of time for  maintenance practice on other sections. 3 x 3 practice is for sections that are still developing.  Maintenance practice is intended for sections and pieces that need to remain in the fingers while learning other pieces. 

Hope this is clear. 

Next time, you may presume that I have let my Schedule get away from me and have overlooked responding. Give me a gentle nudge to reply, letting me know you have not received a response. Likewise, I will presume that you are communicating with kindness and the best intentions. "

I replied back saying, "sounds perfect. Thank you for replying!!!"

But later on, I thought, OMG, did he just say that to shut me up and bother him in future asking whether he is upset, because I already did couple of times in previous occasions. Once he wrote a long email and the other time he won't get upset that soon. 

So when Wednesday came, I was determined not to sit in the class or communicate with him in a friendly way. Once you make drastic decisions of not sitting in the class, you have to adhere to it as long as he is the teacher for my kids. So I decided to sit and bear the consequence for being stupid and creating this unnecessary issue in my life. Pretty much, I fixed it in my brain that he will show all his mean attitude and torture me with his actions. 

I always felt that he has some kinesthtic skill. Yesterday, to my surprise he dressed up well, looked pleasing, acted totally like a gentleman/professor. There was no feud between us. He was so smooth in his talks, I did not feel even for a second that we have some issues. He taught the class so well, that I am speechless and can't stop smiling because what I thought and what happened was amazingly opposite. 

I couldn't stop but iMessaged him after I reached home:

"Welcome back! That's how I felt during the class. My secret wish of you to be like the way you used to be in Nov, came true. You were so well prepared for the class...gentle, caring, warm, thoughtful...the finest ever. You totally mastered the knack of bringing out the best from the kids. Your approach of making them understand and think in a creative way is impeccable. You literally gave life to those old pieces. Glad I did not sit in the Atrium like how other mothers do. You've no idea of how good I feel. I really feel we are blessed. You really don't have to reply to this message. By now, you should know that I cannot hold my thoughts within myself. And what's wrong in expressing something which doesn't hurt the other person?
Before my views get misinterpreted, I want to be clear. Your teaching was always good, but today's class reminds me  of the day we came to your house for the first time."

I really wanted to express so much more because the class, his behavior...everything was so perfect! His nurturing way of teaching was just beyond comparable. 

Yesterday, what I realized is dressing is so important. Half of the battle you will win if you dress properly. People will take you seriously to what you're saying and even it says about you - how much importance you give to that particular event.

Goofying around and dressing up casual may make you look cool, but if you want people to give you importance, dressing up is the beginning.

Overall, I'm so impressed with him. All the negative thoughts in me just vanished. A new respect and admiration grew in me towards him. 

Once before when I praised him, and that was it in November, I expected him to say thank you, but this time I did not even want to hear from him those two words. All I wanted to express genuinely. I didn't want to see those words because I felt like when you exchange thank you's, you lose the authenticity of the message. I was telling him because I can't hold the thoughts within myself about the joy he bestowed on me by being so perfect.

If he had given me a chance to speak further, I would have told him to dress everyday like the way he did today😁. I know it is none of my business, so 😷!

Simetimes I feel that whenever I praise, I'm removing authenticity from him. Next time, he acts on what praised and thereby loses genuineness. As I said before, if someone makes me happy, Iike too happy, I cannot stop myself from pausing them directly. That's why I feel bad that I can't tell to Lufthansa Steward about how about happy he made me feel. 

This weekend, I don't want to send videos of kids practice...I want to maintain distance. Too much communication means too much wrongdoing by me, and I cannot afford that. I don't want to go this kind of emotional journey and definitely don't want them to think me as dumb or no-better-work than bothering others. Let him have his own personal time and life. I don't want to talk too much with anybody - recipe for a disaster. 

Sunday, April 13, 2014

I'm stupid!!!

OMG, where did I come from? How can I be so stupid? I let other person know clearly what will bug me, and give power in their hands to trouble me.

Like in a cool way, people say, "oh, I don't get upset so easily. I roll through things. The older I become, it is not that easy to rattle me."

Anyway, why should I care? Fine with me, once I came to know that you are just a robot who has no feelings for me, that you just would like to follow rules and regulations, and treat the person just like others, then why should I feel miserable based on your actions.

Even though you're a guy, but your brain more or less work like a gal, then I should be ready for some drama.

Anyway, it was totally my mistake to think anything other than what it is supposed to be. What do I think of myself - a super model that people just fall off and would crave for your attention and would love to please you all the time. What the hell, do I think of myself? You're just stupid/ignorant. 

ONG, you don't even know how to compose emails. He might have thought, hey moron, I'm not your servant to follow your commands. 

Well, after you know how I feel after you don't respond to my text, you want to ignore. Fine, I'm stupid and I give shit when people cares for me and I feel terrible when they don't. Bare the consequence!! One thing I should say about myself that I'm very good at reading people. So good that I know what's coming by just seeing a text.

What can I do? I sometimes become nonchalant and goes through moody period and act like I don't care till I upset that person. And there starts the drama. DAMN, I hate myself!!

Whenever I'm angry on someone, I make things worst - the worst.

Nope, I'll not learn any lesson because I'm just plain stupid.

I should sing myself - let it go, let it go...let them hate.

If someone loves for who I'm then they care to explain my bs behavior, and if I care for them, value them, I'll change myself.

I understood that you don't care as I'm not your sex, like me many will come go...I'm just one among everybody. Yes, you cared when things were alright, but the real caring person shows caring nature even though the other person acts like a bitch sometimes. BECAUSE YOU REALLY LIKE THAT PERSON AND CARE FOR THAT least give a chance for other person to know your feelings....of course that is not machoism.