Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Sex is Overrated!!

Omg, finally yes. He did something which is not related to music, but extended his hand as a friend. I'm talking about the music teacher. This time around he sent a Christmas card to me and my husband, along with the newsletter of yearlong events which happened between him and his boyfriend. Thereby, officially declaring that he is GAY. Nothing says directly that the other guy as his partner, but celebrating important events and traveling together to different countries....what else they can be...haha.

On the last day of class, I noticed in his eyes, his desperation to tell it all, but did not find privacy to say. The question is why and with whom do you feel like sharing a very important detail of your life. What compelled him to share? One way his newsletter kills any kind of romance between us--the two opposite sex, but in the other way, it declares his fondness to be my friend, and his likeness towards me. That makes me think of who needs sexual attraction, when true, pure feelings of liking someone as a friend is so much better. Think about it for a second: why he wants to share the not-so-desirable-gay status, only when you think that the other person understands and likes you however you're. And that kind of trust I gained with him. And that is so huge for me.

If I don't visualize  sex between same sex couples, I don't mind at all that he has relationship with another guy, because in this world it is so difficult to live alone. You want someone, anyone to share your life, money, success, happiness, feeling of togetherness. So what's wrong if he has found love from another guy. If he is happy and satisfied, then how does it matter. Look at me, I'm straight and married, but I don't understand what it feels like expressing love without feeling fear of humiliation or unrequited love. With hundred percent, I can say that when it comes to having a loving partner, he is in much better position than me. 

Yes, of course, he doesn't have normalcy, no children, sometimes maybe aloofness, especially during holidays when everybody is celebrating with their family, with extended family, proudly displaying their kids' success, progress...but here in Gay man's life, if everybody has accepted his life, then they will welcome both of them as a couple, or else, the gay couple have to celebrate away from each other. It is hard to understand that someone like this music teacher wants to go through this pain, thinking that they can never find a woman to satisfy their romantic needs. I sometimes feel that when you are willing to love someone unconditionally, it can be possible to find romance, provided the other person reciprocates to your willingness. As far as I know you can fool your brain. Falling in love is a temporary thing, but when you decide to commit, that's the thing can be done with anybody, regardless of your sexual orientation. It is about discipline. We, humans get attached to any kind of pet, once we start thinking them as ours. It's all about initiation, filling the feelings, and abiding to that feelings...in that way we can fool ourselves. After all, after certain years of marriage, sex takes backseat. It's all about coexistence, holding on to family not only for yourself, but for your kids future. So I don't understand why he has to go other way. He would have difinitely found someone with musical background as his romantic partner. First few years, he may have to act like he likes her, but once you've kids or developing a certain pattern, you start feeling like this person belongs to me, part of me and that's it; you'll have all the normalcy yi want. That's why I say: sex, romance is overrated. In long term journey of life, all you need is someone to share your life with.

OMG, the ending of his newsletter is so touchy when he talked about a picture in which his partner was cycling in Spain With a spectacular view in the background; for which the music teacher commented saying that no view is spectacular than his partner's wide grin when he cycles around the world.

That kind of expression took my breath away. Wow, just wow, to express feelings for someone like that. I bet his love is reciprocated, or else it is difficult to express such true and tender feelings. That's what makes me sad that I don't have such true, pure feelings for my husband, and I bet he doesn't too. Which really makes me question: is it really possible to have such feelings after a very long relationship. How can they be so compatible for so long without any annimosity or arguments or without jealousiness? I really wish I could feel like that for my husband and in return get the same beautiful treatment.

Anyway, when I thanked him for his upgrade status, he said that he is really grateful for my lovely family. Warmth, intellect, and passion are the traits which are not easily to be found. 

I think that he is talking about me indirectly, but "intellect", hmmm... About me, I don't know. So was it about my family traits? Maybe....I don't know sometimes I feel he has feelings for me. Awwww...pull the elastic band as whenever I get that feelings I need to get punished as we all know he is a GAY who shared a newsletter about his partner.

Sometimes I think that after meeting me, he might have thought that possibility of straight life would have been possible if a person like me plus musical background came into his life before he jumped the other side of the world. 

And sometimes I think that for gays, there is such a huge world to cover to fight with the feelings of jealousiness; other men and sometimes women too. I overly think about my powers as a woman...haha. But sometimes because of insecuritiness, such thought may creep in whenever they become close to any sex in the world. Their world is so huge for flirting, and the music teacher can really put such a question in a single woman's mind is he single as he dresses well, fit and knowledgable.

Anyway to my previous text, he did not reply...sigh...wish I just said thanks for his praises.

The below messages are after second recital:

Him: I'm super proud of the progress made over the past few weeks and hope you take my comments following the recital with a grain of salt. I was proud of both [kids name mentioned] were the highlight of the program. 👏👍🎉

Thank you!!  I hope you have a wonderful evening!!!  ðŸ˜€

Me: Yes, at first, it was surprising (slightly shocking) to hear that you were not totally satisfied with my son's performance because you try to look for positives. Usually, I'm the one who finds something wrong, but now, we both seems to be on the same page; expecting "close to perfectionism". Of course, when you see potential and when you work hard to make them live up to their potential, you start focusing on what's missing and how to make them better. There is nothing wrong in what you have said. I'm happy to hear such comments from you, and for trusting and expecting more from them.

I feel like bowing to you for your dedication to teaching for offering weekend help to every student. It was really commendable. 

I'm surprised to see one more duet in the program. I'm glad my kids are encouraging others to pursue love for music, and at the same time feel pride in 
delivering the piece successfully as a team.

Have a great week!!!

Him: I couldn't agree more with everything you said. :-) thank you!!!

This is after receiving his newsletter:

Me: Thank you for the upgrade!!!😊
Thank you for the lovely newsletter and the card.
Thank you for your acknowledgement to the kids.

Him: Thank you for the lovely text!!  I'm so grateful for your lovely family. Warmth, intellect and passion are not always an easy combination to find. 😀
For some reason I didn't receive your text. It went to my iPad instead of phone yesterday. And I didn't look there.


Me: No wonder, they say it is the most wonderful time of the year.
Haha...let the compliments ring.

Thank you for your sweet comments. I liked one particular line in your newsletter. It is just so touchy and hmmm...tender, resonates your true feelings.👏

I think you've started identifying your iPad with your phone number. That's why your previous message was delivered as a text, instead of iMessage.

Hope the labradoodle owner calls you as you're second in line. Someone who is an owner of three year old labradoodle has shown interest too.

Have a merry time!!!
**************************************************
NO REPLY....😒

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

He is there for all!

Recently due to certain piano event, I got to spend a lot of time with my kids' gay teacher. You may be thinking why do I have to specify "gay", but you will forced to do, once you spend time with them. I'm talking about these particular gay people who almost look like a straight guys, but love to adopt gayness.

I saw him mingling with people; so smooth, so attentive, laughing at their jokes....just the way you wish your partner to be.  He was just so smooth with woman, just like the way he will be with me---same with old and new acquaintances. Doesn't that show how fake his interactions are.

For this post, I've many titles:
Some way or the other, we are all inadequates.
Or
I've nothing to offer.
Or
The one I chose for this post, "He is for everybody".

At the end of the event after meeting gays one after the other, I was frustrated, annoyed and depressed. I already have no attention from any opposite sex, and on top of this, these guys with their charm, vocabulary, attentiveness and this feeling of "I'm single and available", ARGH!!!!!

I met another gay piano teacher: I almost swooned when I first time laid eyes on him: blue eyes, infectious smile, pleasing manners, smooth-fresh-baby-skin without any kind of scar or discoloration. The way he showed interest and spoke with me, I was like "are you really gay?", "did I get the wrong impression?", I swear I saw equal symbol on his Facebook. Post The way we departed showed his no interest on me; WHY WILL HE BE? HE IS A GAY!!!. ARGH!!

Why the hell I'm meeting so many gays!! I already feel lonely and depressed because of no real meaningful, respectable, lovable, intelligent interaction because of lack of career/lack of socializing/lack of special feeling from my partner. I don't get to meet handsome guys or get anybody's attention, and basically ignorant of the dating, flirting system. Here I'm meeting these gay guys who are themselves facing challenges in the world, having their own weaknesses, deal with intricate situations, secrecies, descrepancies, inadequacies, web of lies, and basically try to fit and act like normal, which they are not, but to be one, they will try to be so pleasant, so friendly that I am starting to hate. That rehearsal event I met other straight guys, but there was just no vibe. Of course, if a married guy flirts, it looks creepy. But these gay guys, they always look like THEY ARE AVAILABLE, but they are anything other than being available. All these constant acting with every woman like they are available is not ACCEPTABLE. Even though through Facebook, I know these two piano teachers are gay, otherwise I would just think OMG, they just adore me. Even after knowing that they are gays, I still get confused, and doubt myself whether I snooped properly. Argh!!!!!

Why I want to give a title "Some way or the other, we are all inadequates" to this post is because I noticed inadequacies in everybody whom I cared of observing:
Let us talk about me. Because of lack of socializing and being just a housewife, people, even myself think that I cannot discuss many things. So even though when I was one on one with kids' piano  teacher, sometimes we couldn't do anymore small talk. We ran off topics. I felt so embarrassing and pain, whereas when he meets others in his music industry, he will throw this and that famous names, abd others acknowledge ir too. And then my lack of clear phrase structuring causes confusion in people about what I'm trying to say. I wabt to talk with different people and get to know, converse with them, and maje them feel interested in me. But God, I cannot because of my INADEQUACIES. 

Now, let us talk about the piano teacher:
His major problem CONFIDENCE due to being gay, openly cannot discuss that he has a partner, instead he will mention him as his roommate. He couldn't even say that he was going to NY with his partner or to Georgia to support and cheer for his partner who was competing in Ironman Marathon, and in his own words, he said that he loves to perform, but due to not receiving earlier education, he feels inferior about his piano performance, even though he holds masters degree in piano performance. I can see his inferiority when he speaks with my husband---feeling of not good enough.

Now, let us talk about the guest pianist:
All his piano practices made him loner I think. His way of talking did not show abt kind of confidence. But later on, once he get to know his gay buddies, the piano teachers, he was much more relaxed, open and enjoyed performing pieces in post meetup shows. He is just 26, but was bald, and looked more like drug addict and gay. Once I came to know him, of course, my views changed in a good way. Hey can you guess who are these guy's new Facebook pals-- TYE TWO GAY TEACHERS, and bit TYE straight woman teacher.

Next the other piano teacher, exterior total confidence. He even said that he will come and watch the show, not as a teacher, but as a spectator. He said he was thinking to bring a student so that he gets inspired after watching the show, but who knows the gay buddy who is in his 30s might be dating or interested in this make student. He did not show up to the show as he said. Maybe the student did not want to reveal the secrecy. 

After being so closed to this gay guys, acting like being interested, but actually no interest in me made me emotionally tired. I told my kids' piano teacher, "no weekend recordings, as I want you to enjoy New York." but actual thing is I couldn't go anymore on that emotional roller-coaster. I do have some school friends who are interested in talking to me, and left phone messages. But I did not call back as I feel like our communication frequencies doesn't match, whereas I feel to talk to these new guys, explore newness, but these gay guys are just having fun and passing the time by just going with the flow. That's why this post title is "he is there for all", when infact he is not. They are just self dwelling in meeting other gay guys. Birds of same feather flock together. Whereas I try to run away from my base--married, boring wives who love to talk about inlaws, kids and ARGH..boring husbands. That's why the other title "I've nothing to offer."

Look at his cool talk with another woman:


Here is our conversation:

HIM: Congratulations!!  I hear the kids were a huge hit and that everyone was right with Adam!!  Bravo all!!  Woohoo!!!
 
ME: We are still at the performance hall. Going to leave now. It was great!! Just superb! I got to meet budding pianist parents too! Thank you for coming! Wish you were there! Glad you're coming on Wednesday!! Because we want you to be part of our experience!!
HIM: Me too!!  I felt bad leaving before wishing the kids the best!! But so glad I was able to be a part of it this year. :-) yeah for you, the kids!!  So glad you are a part of the SMU family!!!😀
[after this message, he totally spent time with me, even watched the show together, sitting next to each other as spectators]
HIM(after i said no to weekend recordings) Ok!!!  Sounds good. Don't hesitate if the kids run into a road block. Hope you enjoy the weekend.
Congrats on a great experience!!!

I know I understand that's how people will be with each other--friendly, but I don't know why it is so painful for me to accept it. I really not interested in him, but the idea of someone thinks about you, likes you, wants to talk to you, thinks you're special...Yeah, I know I'm not special. Woah, I should not interact with gay or straight guys.PERIOD!!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Oh boy, what a mess!!

Just the "grief" word itself is making me cry. You might want to know what happened yesterday.

It was just shameful display from me. All I can think of is I'm just not at all mature. This is one very reason everybody should have career. I just don't know how to deal with people. On one side, I wanted to skip the class because I did not want to face him, and on the other side, if I skip once for this reason, then I cannot come back in the future. So I have to face him, but I was not at all ready emotionally. I cried in the morning, I cried on my way to the class, and I researched on internet on how to face rude people; nothing helped. Tears just rolled and rolled. Even now, I'm raw with emotions. If it is due to damn impending mensuration or not, I have no idea.

Visualized many scenarios of how our meet up will be. But when the real situation arosed, I avoided him completely during the greeting time and for the whole two classes. He too seriously taught both classes. Finally at the end, he himself told to kids that they should leave the room as he needs to speak with their mom, that is me. 

I acted with him like he is one of my family member. He pulled his chair closed to me and started talking gently by asking what's happening? What do you expect from me? I was like "what do I expect from him?"  started packing to leave by saying I already said what I have to say in the email. He said, "do you know you're email was personal attack? You were accusatory, blaming me for everything. Tell me what go you expect from me? I checked my messages; they were not that late. What are your expectations from me? Do you know we have to respect each other. In my profession that's very important. I like teaching your kids. They will have a great future. They are doing good. If I've to be their teacher, we cannot go on like this. You are not even looking at me. You're just uninterested, and just flipping the pages."

I said, "I'm listening. You too were accusatory; confused about emails you said, and then said the last one...."

He said, "oh actually, instead of text, I said email."

I said, "what's the point of communicating by email when you don't respond -- I'll not know whether email reached or you read or is that off topic for you."

He said, "if you send an email in the weekend, at least you should wait until Monday. You know very well, I'm going out of my way to help your kids; seeing videos, commenting....as far as I know nobody does that, nobody would have shared their private phone number for messaging or for helping during weekends. I was depressed because of this issue. Today morning ,I did not even attend the meeting, I just disappeared to cycle around in the park. I just needed me time to reflect upon, to think about what I planned in life and what I accomplished in life, what I missed out...this weekend I celebrated my birthday, and everybody like 43, that's it, you're done."

I said, "wait a minute, we started communicating about this topic only from Monday. Yes, I know you do all those nice things. Most of the time you're nice, but sometimes you get detached."

He stared saying, yes, how long can I just give people what they want. I get detached; that's my time. BTW, this weekend, servers were down too, few teachers couldn't enroll their students in the competition. Maybe I missed out your email, as far as I know I read all. I might have thought there was nothing to reply." 

But I said, "how can you not have anything to say when it is such a long email?"

Like that it went on for a while with tears swirling in my eyes, and huge sadness on his face. He said, " I like you. I like working with you. Together we can be productive. He said whenever you need me, call me. Let's keep messaging to do piano videos. When we talk, we hear the voice, will know the tone, but through messages and emails, you really don't know what person is thinking."

Today I emailed him. WHAT! Yes, again:
Thank you for taking time and speaking with me. I don't know why your unresponsiveness gave me such an overwhelming grief. Please accept my apologies for my previous email, and yesterday's attitude. However, I feel about the situation, I know I should not express in such a harsh tone, especially with you. 

Have a nice day!

He emailed me by being too generous in his praises like as if all these happened because I wanted some praises. Or maybe he just wants to cheer me up, and tell indirectly that please focus on music and children..... not on petty things.

"Thank you for your kind email and I consider it water under the bridge. All is well!  I do hope you have a wonderful afternoon and thank you again for your kindness, thoughtfulness and dedication to the music. 

Kindly,"

God, please help me to keep this professional relationship professional. I don't know why I can't expect reply back, but now I know that I have no right to compel him to write one as he owes nothing. I have to accept the way he is and keep my distance. No jokes, no thinking of him having interest on me...all such things. No room for them here until I want to screw my kids music future. 😭

Seeing his sad face made me realize that why I should be the reason to make him sad, worried or ride a bike with depression. If they already have enough  problem, they will get rid off me and sing "I got one less problem without you." 

I'm for stupid reasons, just gets attached to whoever comes in my way, and the worst thing is, I expect 100% best expected behavior from them towards me. It really hurts so much that nobody wants to be totally good with me, do amazing and surprising things for me to keep me exciting, to make me be happy. I guess every little favor he does is because of his dedication to music, and I, for one thinks that he does it for me. Really, who are you? Who do you think yourself as? 😊😭

Oh boy, what a mess!!

Just the "grief" word itself is making me cry. You might want to know what happened yesterday. 

It was just shameful display from me. All I can think of us I'm just not at all mature. This is one very reason everybody should have career. I just don't know how to deal with people. One side I wanted to skip the class because I did not want to see him, and on the other side, if I skip once for this reason, then I cannot come back in future too. So I have to face him, but I was not at all ready emotionally. I cried in the morning, I cried on my way to the class, and I researched on internet on how to face rude people; nothing helped. Tears just rolled and rolled. Even now, I'm raw with emotions. If it is due to damn impending mensuration or not, I have no idea.

Visualized many scenarios of how our meet up will be. But when the real situation arises, I avoided during greeting time to seating to during the class. He too seriously taught both classes. Finally at the end, he himself told to kids that they should leave the room as he needs to speak with me. 

I acted with him like he is one of my family member. He pulled his chair closed to me and started talking gently by asking what's happening? What do you expect from me? I was like "what do I expect from him?"  started packing to leave by saying I already said what I have to say in the email. he said, "do you know you're email was personal attack? You were accusatory, blaming me for everything. Tell me what go you expect from me? I checked my messages; they were not that late. What are your expectations from me? Do you know we have to respect each other. In my profession that's very important. I like teaching your kids. They will have a great future. They are doing good. If I've to be their teacher, we cannot go on like this. You are not even looking at me. You're just uninterested, and just flipping the pages."

I said, "I'm listening. You too were accusatory; confused about emails you said, and then said the last one...."

He said, "oh actually, instead of text, I said email."

I said, "what's the point of communicating by email when you don't respond -- I'll not know whether email reached or you read or is that off topic for you. 

He said, "if you send email in the weekend, at least you should wait until Monday. You know very well, I'm going out of my way to help your kids; seeing videos, commenting....as far as I know nobody does that, nobody would have shared their private phone number for messaging or for helping during weekends. I was depressed because of this issue. Today morning I did not even attend the meeting, I just disappeared to cycle around in the park. I just needed me time to reflect upon, to think about what I planned in life and what I accomplished in life, what I missed out...this weekend I celebrated my birthday, and everybody like 43, that's it, you're done."

I said, "wait a minute, we started communicating only from Monday. Yes, I know you do. Most of the time you're nice, but sometimes you get detached."

He stared saying, yes, how long can I just give people what they want. I get detached; that's my time. BTW, this weekend, servers were down too, few teachers couldn't enroll their students in the competition. Maybe I missed out your email, as far as I know I read all. I might have thought there was nothing to reply." 

But I said, "how can you not have anything to say when it is such a long email?"

Like that it went on for a while with tears swirling in my eyes, and huge sadness on his face. He said, " I like you. I like working with you. Together we can be productive. He said whenever you need me, call me. Let's keep messaging to do piano videos. When we talk, we hear the voice, will know the tone, but through messages and emails, you really don't know what person is thinking."

Today I emailed him. WHAT! Yes, again:
Thank you for taking time and speaking with me. I don't know why your unresponsiveness gave me such an overwhelming grief. Please accept my apologies for my previous email, and yesterday's attitude. However, I feel about the situation, I know I should not express in such a harsh tone, especially with you. 

Have a nice day!

He emailed me by being too generous in his praises like as if all these happened because I wanted some praises. Or maybe he just wants to cheer me up, and tell indirectly that please focus on music and children not on petty things.

"Thank you for your kind email and I consider it water under the bridge. All is well!  I do hope you have a wonderful afternoon and thank you again for your kindness, thoughtfulness and dedication to the music. 

Kindly,"

God, please help me to keep this professional relationship professional. I don't know why I can't expect reply back, but now I know that I have no right to compel him to write one as he owes nothing. I have to accept the way he is and keep my distance. No jokes, no thinking of him having interest on me...all such things. No room for them here until I want to screw my kids music future. 😭

Monday, September 15, 2014

It doesn't take long for things to become nasty

Yes, It doesn't take long for things to become nasty, that too when I'm involved in.

Even though I do not want to cry, but I'm. I want to be rough, but I'm just an idiot who takes actions, but don't know how to deal with the reaction.

Sometimes you have to trust your instincts, when I sent an email with the below questions to interview a successful pianist to my kids' teacher, I felt that he might get upset as it happened before too-whenever piano competitions talk comes, he expects that if everything goes all right too, chances of winning is very odd. Even though I had this instinct of him getting upset, I went ahead and sent to him, thinking that he will be okay.

Sample questions:
What is the best thing about participating in piano competitions?

What are the key things a pianist need to poses to be a winner in competitions?

Do you think it is essential for a pianist to win or get some kind of recognition every time they participate in competitions?

Based on your experience and successes, what are some effective ways to practice piano? 

Describe your experience about performing with an orchestra? 

From that day onwards, his communication over messages were just to the point. We have to realize that even tone of our text delivers our mental state. Later on, he did not even bother to reply. So next day, I repeated the same question. Then he answered, but again it was to the point. So I jokingly verified the reason behind his unemoticon texts. As usual, people push it on being busy at work. Ha!

That day I asked him whether I can help him out by recording the master class. For which, he did not reply. So for next day class, I was gloomy and disturbed that why people insult me by not replying. Why they don't think that I deserve reply and respect? As usual he said some lies to cover up, but I was already disheartened with his mannerisms, lies, coverup. Why can't people speak truth, confront the other person by letting them know what bothered them. But no, they don't, fear of showing any kind of weakness. Of course, they are comfortable with lies, but don't want to deal with feelings. Oooh, feelings!!!

But by second class, I was okay, at least I started looking him in the eye. To my surprise he became alright and outwardly, we started talking normally, and he even for the first time, wished me to have a great week.

Next day, it was his birthday. I planned from  long time to surprise and wish him on that day. So I kept my angry thoughts aside and wished him wholeheartedly.

Let me start my email

W

I

T


I don't know I feel like something special about today. Yes, nice weather outside. What a break from hot weather!! But something else...

What could it be?







ðŸ“Ē🌟✨ðŸŽķI wish you a very warm  happy birthday and may every wish you have come true!ðŸŽķ

Have a fantabulous, memorable, cheerful, humongous birthday!!!!

I did not use his name, and had to use emoticons, even though interiorly, I was not cheering that much. That's when I understood, people cannot use emoticons and act out cheerful when in inside you don't even want to communicate. I did not feel sorry this time while teaching inbetween the class, he desperately tried to get my attention by being too funny as he was the one who acted out disrespectfully. 

He replied:
Thank you for your warm and heart-felt birthday wish!!!  :-)  I sometimes feel my age, but mostly feel like I’m 32.  ;-)

I did not reply because I did not feel like. I did not reply next day's generic email.  So after couple of days, what happened to my attitude you think. Aaah, terrible me melted when he sent a video to my daughter during her midweek check up. This was the first time, he took his time to record a video about how to play correctly. This was the first time, I did not contact him directly, but made my kids to directly deal with him. At the end of the day, I sent a long email of why I liked the video, and how he should do same kind of videos while teaching too. It was a good email, but like the way how I read the mental state of him, he too would have guessed something might have gone wrong.

In that same email, I requested to point out good youTube videos for my son to incorporate some emotional and physical behavior pianists display during performances.

He obliged to my request, at least that's what I thought as he still did not reply to my email. So the next day, I sent another email:

"Thank you for guiding my son to watch Mr. Barenboim's video. Was it based on my request or your own voluntary decision, either way I sincerely appreciate your time and feedback.

But special thanks if it was based on my request!!!"

As usual, no reply of any kind. So finally after crying and going through his old emails, I acted out by sending a text, just like the he requested in previous scenario- nudge me gently to reply.

So I sent text by saying:"nudging you just like the way you told--how are we doing today?"

Misery, misery....no reply, the iPhone says he read, but no reply.

DISGUSTING to the nth degree.

Finally, I have to directly deal with it. So I texted, "are you giving me silent treatment? Seriously?? May I know the reason?"

Yes, that worked. He texted back by saying, "no treatment, just confused by some of the emails. Good that your son like the video."

CONFUSED BY SOME OF THE EMAILS.....what???

I emailed him by saying would he like to share what caused the confusion, then he backtracked by saying just one email which looks like written hastily and sorry for my abrupt text. 

So this time I made sure to use "Dear" while addressing him, and continued writing:
You're ticked off by something, and don't feel like communicating with me. I can sense it. Well, I don't want to prolong and waste your valuable time.
Let us just leave it!!
Have a great day!!!
**********************
Oh God, the irritating email ever sent by him: Ok, I’m not ticked off…I just sense that I don’t understand what I should
be angry about… it is all confusing to me.  I guess I was really confused
when you said I was giving you the silent treatment. Oh, well, I’m letting
it go.  :-)

I do hope you have a wonderful day though and hope the kids have a great
performance class.
It irritated me so much, that I decided to write back:Totally right, there is nothing to be ticked off. But when you choose not to respond or acknowledge my thoughts or give your own variation about the subject matter which was discussed in the email, then there will be confusion of why the amiable person chose to be silent. 
Two emails plus one text, and still no sign of yours when all were addressed only to you. That's called silent treatment, my friend --the dreadful cold shoulder. 

Even the society backs me up--not replying to someone is not only rude but disrespectful. Why do you want to do to someone as nice as me.😉

Yes, I'll put a leash on my communication frequency.

No worries, I'll have a wonderful day, as you kindly responded. ☺

I'm not expecting apology, but just good understanding between each other -- the one which makes us to be proud of.

Hope you'll be alright!!!
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Thank god he did not reply back, but kids have piano class today. Have to see whether he will take defensive or truly sorry role. Yes, he is the same person who two weeks ago made my heart feel warm when he said: It is such a pleasure to be all those things and offer you those qualities as they are also a reflection of your care and devotion to the work we do together. Thank you for your kind words and I look forward to seeing the videos this week. :-)
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My heart cries out so much for being plain stupid. I should never ever write a lengthy or friendly emails or text. I should keep him at bay. My heart is so broken that everybody can easily insult me. Not having career gives othesr leeway to think me as I'm some kind of dumb. 
Act out like nothing bothering him, and then not replying to my emails, and still acting like I don't know what for I should be angry off. CRAZY people!!
Hope my stupidity won't make my kids pull out of good piano institution. :-/
Wish me luck for today!!! Once someone is gay, he will always be a gay. Is it me or even busy working people too get upset when someone doesn't respond.
I don't want to have arguements with others, but eventually it happens. 😭
No one will ever be good with me. 😊
Is this real cry or PMS sadness, who knows. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

If I was a music teacher...

Yesterday, I went to watch a master class, where a guest lecture will meet local young pianists and guides them based on his/her performance.

The guest pianist touch on piano itself gave a different kind of tone. That made me realize how experience makes you know the strengths and weakness of the piano; where to touch the keys, how lightly to touch, how to produce muffled sound, rich sound....

What I do differently from the way piano teachers are teaching is by writing stories to some famous pieces, which gives a learner- the guidance about what the piece is expecting, what was the motive of the composer behind the chords or the notes. Without knowing the path, how can someone know the way. And that too this kind of addressing should be  done when the piece is given. I think it will really help.

For example, when Haydn's sonata in E minor was given to my son, and later after six months progressed, the teacher asked him to come up with a storyline, then while performing think about presenting the story to the audience. He panicked. He couldn't think of anything. He was like the same tune is playing over and over, so if this piece is between a good and bad guy, the same scenario is going to happen again and again. He was like I don't know how to write a story, what is there to think when same melody is repeating.

Even though he watched Phantom of the Opera, he couldn't relate how even though same tune is played out, the story line moves, different scenarios will be played. The story doesn't stall, or the same scene won't repeat, because the same melody is played again and again.

So I write a story for him: this is between an alien and a human. I have to use alien to make the story interesting for him. You know how boys like aliens. Ha!


Don't chase me, don't chase me don't chase me
I'm pleading you 
I'm requesting you go away
Go away
Go away to your world .
Don't come near me 
I don't need you
I don't want you
Stop chasing me
Stop harassing me
I have nothing to do with you
I'm a free bird who wants to fly happily.
Don't chain me up in your shackles
I'm a free soul who wants to enjoy the colors of the world
I want it love peacefully with my fellow beings who are like me
Who love me, understand me, connect with me
Who like me have dreams of bright future
We are humans you know.
You're from a different world, you're an alien
Who has nothing to do with humans so stop chasing me.
Our every act looks strange to us, you are just curious for now, you ll get bored later.
So stop chasing me
Stop harassing me
Stop following me

Go away don't come close to me
Look at your hands and at your body 
I don't fit in your world
I plead you
Show mercy, aww it pains don't touch me go away please go away don't follow me I hate you I despise you you're torturing me. Is anybody there to save me, help help help anybody there our there help help hellllllppppppp

What do you want from me, stop chasing me please I don't belong to you listen to me stop chasing me, I want to go home 
No, I don't need your spaceship, no I don't want to get in, let. E go let me go let me go to my home
let me go, I'll be your friend but I won't come with you 
Oh my god you have your friends there are all over me there are coming closer to me, don't come close to me I'm going to jump off the cliff, I swear I'm going to jump, don't come close to me. I'll throw the rocks at you I'll hurt you, I'll scream I'll spoil your space ship, don't dare to come close

Pleads them to let her go 

You should listen to the first movement of Haydn Sonata in E minor. You literally feel like someone is haunting you, and they are coming from all the directions- inching closer and closer with increasing force. No where to escape, other than plead for their mercy. Such a great piece!!

The other thing I change in Classical music is the brochure. No layman can understand what any piece is trying to convey. Instead of just mentioning the song and the composer, to generate interest, they should inform of what to hear, what to notice, what's the neat or odd thing about the piece and basically, what to look for and how it is different compare to other pieces by the same composer. Whenever I hear a piece in recitals, other than the one my kids are playing, I cannot connect or appreciate them, unless something very catchy or captures you forcefully, like Gillock's Fountain in the Rain. Whenever I sit in these group classes, the same thing happens; I don't appreciate the piece, but once the instructor plays few parts, and expresses about what kind of sound should come, what we are trying to project ...that's when I'm like-oh, I should've tried to hear with that particular thought. Now, you understand- a little bit of explanation about the piece should be given to the audience.

Some of the key things from what I remember from yesterday's master class are:

How to gaze to the heavenly body when you have to project a slant line shooting to the sky and inching towards high pitch.

How to stress on chords which suddenly appear out of nowhere, showing the contrast in the piece in which it was written. 

How to muffle the sound. How to generate a light touch to give the sound of water splashing.

How and why to show contrast if the same melody repeats.

How and why to sway your body based on the flow of the music. 

How and why to take pauses in between the piece, and make the audience get interested by playing a guessing game. 

How to play the secondary notes skillfully to make the audience sway to the other sounds the piece is producing where the main melody by default captures everybody's ears.

It is really tough to teach kids or to anybody when you really don't feel the music, when you don't understand what's happening in the music.