Monday, December 16, 2013

I'm scared of myself!!

I'm really not capable to live in this world. I'm so good at ruining things, all I need do is to speak, the hell will break loose. Ha! God forbid, if anybody shows interest in me, all I have to do to tarnish is to speak freely without thinking - the end result: TADA! there goes the budding friendship.

You know what I've realized is nothing is permanent, especially feelings. One day I think someone so dear, and next day when they somehow hurt me, the feelings are gone, the special moments are gone. The person who made me feel alive, or made me look forward for something amazing will suddenly become my mind's enemy. 

In my previous post, I mentioned about how a white lie irritated me, and made me tight lipped without a smile has actually created a kind of distance in my heart for the music teacher. The thing is I WAS GOING THROUGH THE WORST THANKSGIVING WEEKEND DURING THAT TIME, AND I WAS SO HEART BROKEN, and when he totally ignored the email from my daughter, I've given up on everyone; decided that nobody cares, and nobody want to be nice.

 By next week, I decided to forgo the disappointment, and be friendly as usual.

Everything went on smoothly, but not totally like before, as I already created distance in my mind, so slightly I was reserved, but still laughed at his jokes. My mind has so much control on me that even if I want to be back like before, I cannot. I always put opposite person in jeopardy...they don't know what I want. When they come closer, I push them off - by some kind of awful behavior or talk, and when they pull back -  I start showering them with immense attention. I myself will not be knowing whether I hate them or want them.

So on that day, right at the end of the class, I discussed about a music piece called "Fountain in the Rain" by William Gillock, which my daughter will play for the recital. I told him that I saw a different award winning version of the same piece on YouTube, and that's the one captures the listener, and not the version he is teaching. "Me", the illiterate of classical music talking to a professor. What the hell I was thinking. I told him that it is just a discussion, just my point of view. He told that he is teaching exactly like the piece written by the composer, not improvising the piece. 

That night I couldn't sleep - thought he might already be hating me, whatever happy moments between us withered away, all left now is just like others HATREDNESS towards me. In my mind, I welcomed him to the club.

Next day, I played the YouTube version to review. That's when I noticed the girl not at all playing like the way Mr. Gillock composed, the right hand was not even pianissimo. I felt pain in my chest after realizing my terrible mistake of discussing with him. 

I quickly sent an email: After going through the YouTube video(the one which I mentioned yesterday) one more time, I apologize for even bringing up the topic to discuss. Anyway, what I wanted to say is you're doing an awesome job. Hope my daughter delivers the way you expect the piece to be played.

Well, then he replied by saying: Thank you!  I really appreciate your support!  I'm sure she will perform beautifully!!

But late that evening while I was making her practice, I raised few questions to my daughter about dynamics, and the way it is supposed to be played. She couldn't answer me. So she emailed him along with the the video displaying which technique to be played.

What do you think -  will we get response? 

Nah!

 I felt like dying. I cried so much in the middle of the night. I decided not to go to the recital, or see him again. Because for me, once when I know that they hate me, I don't want to interact anymore. Because I vision hatefulness in their eyes; seeing me itself they get the feeling of yuckiness. 

I know it's all in my mind, but I've no control on my thoughts. I've no control on my emotions or thoughts. Everybody, everybody hates me; no scope of forgiveness from anybody because I'm so replaceable. No, no exceptions when it comes to me. When he replied for my second iMessage(the one which I mentioned in my previous post), I thought - OMG, he cares for my feelings! Yes! Yes! Woohoo! Did not express outwardly that much, but inwardly that's how I felt. Someone cares about your feelings is such an irreplaceable treasure!!

But now, how can he not respond to my daughter's email, when it is so urgent!! Will he say that he won't teach my kids because of me? Will he complain to his colleagues about how pain in the ass I'm?  By the time, it was morning, my thoughts where not as dark as in the middle of night. I thought he will forgive me when he receives Christmas gift from me. Oh yeah, I ordered a special gift for him from AMAZON one week ago, and requested to deliver to his address directly. It is pair of Goldfinch singing birds - moisture meter gauge for indoor plants.

I decided to not to think of why he didn't reply, no more whys', as I don't care anymore. I came to understanding that my anger/disappointment on others ruin me more than anybody else. Only cure is not to send any more emails from my daughter's account or directly from me or any iMessages from me to him. No more communication of any sort in between classes. No hell will break if I don't get answers to unexpected questions which usually rise during practice sessions. Promised myself of not bother him with any kind of interaction, just maintain distance. 

When we went to the recital, the first thing I noticed is he was avoiding eye contact, just like me. At this point, I've no clue whether this hatredness for each other is in my head or it is really happening. He told my daughter that he couldn't reply to the email as the email arrived too late.  WHATEVEEEERRRR, that's what I screamed within myself. 

My kids performed exactly like the way he wished for. He was so happy. I introduced kids' ex-teacher to him. We all had good talk, and a brief photo session. I was feeling bad within myself that I ruined everything, thinking that we will never be nice to each other again. I questioned within myself about how can I be so dislikeable, how there is no one in this world who can sing for me "safe and sound" lyrics. I kept my ill-feelings aside, and shook his hand wishing him good luck for his tonsillitis operation. He warmly shook my hand, and said, "let us meet on Jan 2nd or 3rd for the next class." 

What I realized is I should have not compared different interpretations of the song, when on one side my daughter is performing, as she is not totally matured to generate the emotions of the piece "Fountain in the rain" like the way he wanted. So the contest is one-sided. How can I like one over the other when there is no equal pianist on both versions. Other thing he should have realized is I WAS JUST DISCUSSING, it has nothing to do with his talent or knowledge when he is firmly sticking to the way composer composed. Based on that factor itself he should not get upset and be open to hear people's preferences.

To tell you honestly, every composer should really thank him if at all he is teaching their pieces as he really brings out true emotions of the piece. He lays out a true story behind the music to the listener. He gets out the meaning of every note on the music sheet with a powerful, understandable story. When the Ex-teacher heard his version of "Fountain in the rain", when I daughter played for the recital, she was speechless. What she said to me is I never heard that kind of interpretation, and she never knew that so much was going on in that particular piece. She did not know that the piece can be so dramatic. More than couple of people congratulated my daughter for her performance.

When I returned home, I realized that Amazon will be delivering the gift on the same day. I was like, "oh boy, if goldfinches don't fix the mess, then nothing can."

Unfortunately, the seller did not provide personal message or gift wrapping facility, so I had to send an email informing to accept the package.

This is how I composed the email under the subject "PREDICTION, PREDICTION":

"Someone is outside your door!
Needs shelter, love and attention!

Would you be the one who can help these tiny ones on this cold and windy day??

They promise to be cute, and still help you somehow!!"

No reply from him til I went to bed. I cried and cried thinking about how bad I'm, how I'm unfit for this world, how nobody, nobody cares for me. I thought to myself if at all he replies by saying thanks, then I'll write a long email explaining everything of how much he is appreciated for all the nice things he did during these three months of knowing him. Even thought to write the lyric of Matchbox 20's "if you're gone" 

"I think you're so mean, I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
And I think I'm scared, do I talk too much
I know it's wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room but I can hardly move"


Morning I woke up with swollen eyes, mbd was scared to check email; what if he did not reply. 

But thank you God: he replied. Woohoo! That too in a most amazing way:

"Most definitely will provide shelter love and affection!  :-)

I think I sound them!  So adorable and sing when called upon.

It is a real delight to work with you and your children. Thank you!"

"A REAL DELIGHT TO WORK WITH ME", how did that happen? 

Now, I did not know how to reply: keep it low profile or go as planned to tell him how much he is appreciated.

This is what I composed:

" "I think I sound them! ", haha...pretty funny!

I'm really glad you like them!!

Allow me to stroke your ego by passing on few comments made by kids Ex-teacher about you.

I don't know what kind of magic you spelt on her, but she is so gaga over you....ready to hear...

You have kind eyes.

Your eyes convey to her that you are a giver, more than a taker.

She really, really likes you a lot.

She feels so good about you.....

Well, I can't read that deep by looking at someone's eyes, but I echo her sentiments.

I just want to let you know that you're immensely respected, and every affectionate deed of yours is highly valued.

I pretty much feel that we have a very good understanding between each other, but if at all if it ever wobbles, please don't keep any kind of animosity, just keep the dialogue open. I really want to keep a very cordial rapport with you.

Hope and wish that you'll be at bay from any pain or inconvenience during tonsillitis recovery.

Wishing you the Gifts of Peace and Happiness this Christmas and throughout the New Year!!"

No reply that day, but next day, YES, YES, got it. I guess I fixed it for now.

"Thank you!  I agree!  We will always keep communication open and direct. Everything is going very well and I know it will continue to be a very productive relationship for a long time.

I hope you have a happy holiday, and I will look forward to seeing you in January!

With warm regards"

The email which I composed to him, if anybody did for me, I would have cried so much! It was powerful, filled with honest appreciation and real respect for him; at least that's how I perceive. Yes, his reply too was thoughtful, professional, and right  amount of warmthness. 

All I can think of now is please, please God help me to behave well; make me mature; make me to act according to my age; no more childish temper tantrums; help me to hold at least one relationship forever without any kind of animosity, just pure respect, enough admiration to withstand any kind of season.

Oh, I'm so glad he is GAY. No boundaries or limits to express true feelings!!!!!!!

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