Monday, December 30, 2013

Treat kids as kids, not as your friends!!

Lesson learned!! 

I've no words to describe my stupidity, but here you go:

Other than this blog, I don't have anybody to share my secrets, or the things which I want to talk, but cannot talk about them to anybody as they are taboo. In the past, I blurted out to my nine year old daughter about Lufthansa steward like how he is my friend, how desperately I want to meet him, why I'm learning German, why I want to go to Frankfurt, how I chose to paint him so he will always be forever existing, please pray for me that I should meet him in the future...blah, blah...

On Saturday, my daughter kind of raised hand on my husband in retaliation of him objecting tI something she wanted, so to lay ground rules firm, and to teach her moral, I did not allow her to play. So she whined, showed anger, pleaded, talked this and that, but nothing worked. Finally, she decided to BLACKMAIL me by saying that I am going to tell Daddy about your German story. I was so shocked!! Wow, is this happening? At this young age, she wants to threaten me. So I said go ahead, because I couldn't take a nine year old threatening me. If she knows I'm scared or witnesses my weakness, she will play this game forever. How awful!! So there she goes..said about why I love Lufthansa, who is the guy whom I painted, and why he is wearing yellow, why I'm learning German, why I want to go to Germany, and even the cheese episode between her and the steward which she says that I feel very interesting. My husband joked and verified with my son whether the guy in the painting looks like the steward, if so, we can forward it to Lufthansa, and they will find him for mommy...haha, case solved.

I was speechless and worried the whole night of where he will raise the topic. I did not know whether to tell the truth or just say: I kidded with her for fun. That night we watched Meg Ryan's movie "French kiss". In one particular scene, they showed steward and stewardess. I was like OMG, is he going to raise the topic, but NO, he did not. Not even that time, not even that night, not even til now. What does that mean? 

I am more worried about if he will ruin my 45x45 oil painting - the steward's memory, whenever he is upset or angry over me in the future. Please God help me. My heart will break. I know that we should never ger attached to things in the world, otherwise people will try to take away from us. God, you only have to protect.

All these talk about steward made me miss him again. I've removed all kinds of hope from my mind, as you know I'm not available to be in a romantic relationship. I still assure you my readers that there was something about him, still makes me feel like we really really know each other. The familiarity on his face, the way we interacted with each other, forever will be the BEST MOMENTS of my life. IF I was his age, and available, I really would have chased all over the world, just because of my belief on those moments with him!! There is nothing to be ashamed of, no boundaries to restrict, only my will and belief would have taken me to his shore. I know true to my heart that he would have been my SOULMATE, my partner, my lover, my everything IF I WAS HIS AGE AND AVAILABLE. We would have been the perfect/compatible/respectful/lovely couple. The way I picturize is he and I jaywalking on European streets, holding each others hands, kissing and hugging in between, gazing at each other, discussing any kind of topic, laughing, giggling, doing little bit of shopping, gifting each other small gifts, waiting for his flight to return to redo all the things which I said above. We would have been the definition of the romantic couple. We could have shown each other heaven, IF I WAS HIS AGE AND AVAILABLE. Maybe next birth! Till then A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR! Every wish of yours should come true! Be healthy, happy, and prosperous! I'm sobbing hard, but not wishing to meet you as we are not meant for each other for this birth. I may not fly Lufthansa anymore, but I know to my heart that nothing can stop us if we are destined to see each other again....who knows you may knock at my door in the future. There are infinite possible ways to meet, only if we are destined to meet!!

Nowadays steward all the time sings OneRupublic's "counting stars" to me whenever I play the self-invented radio game of what do you want to say. 

They say truth will always come out even if how much ever you try to hide. I guess that's what just happened because of my daughter. Ha! 

What is love, baby don't hurt me, oh no!

What's with Gays and Lesbians nowadays? I'm so pulled into these weird relationships: Modern family series, Gay music teacher, Robin Roberts story now!!

That's the Facebook update of my kids' music teacher. Sometimes I feel awww, and sometimes ewww..especially when I watched  "Behind the Candelabra: My Life with Liberace," which focuses on the relationship Liberace had with the man 39 years his junior.

I feel comfortable when I think of it as a relationship between two humans more than between same sex partners. I feel odd to think of a guy touching or kissing or cuddling another guy, or even gazing. Looks like it is going to be a new norm. What happened to the theory of opposites attract, huh?

Are they fooling themselves and the society? It can't be, as that long years nobody can keep up with foolishness. Of course love is love, and two is always better than the lonely one. Mystery of keeping the relationship secret makes things much more interesting for them I guess, but sometimes when they feel like openly want to declare their love for their gay partner by holding hand and walking or kissing or whatever we regular ones do, they cannot show or proudly declare,  might actually frustrate them, especially people who are in honorable careers as they know the society doesn't take the news well. Gays or lesbians who are coming out, actually want to make it a new norm, but they are actually making my head spin.

How awesomely the music teacher enjoyed his fourteen year anniversary, "me" the straight one - had a miserable fifteen year anniversary. So who is in a better position, huh? How can I judge Robin Roberts coming out as a lesbian when in her difficult times, her girlfriend was the one gave her unrelented love and support? 

I don't know whether the feeling they generate for same sex is something mental or physical, but they indeed are finding love just like us, and keeping it lasts forever. 

I doubt my actions so much, like sometimes I feel like I am taking certain decision based on certain mental state. So how are these people who come out as gays or lesbians know for sure that their love for same sex partner is not a one time thing, or for a particular person, or due to past mental harrasment or disappointments in life, or current mental state?

The music teacher and his partner do everything just like the regular ones - vacation, house, Christmaa tree decoration, gift exchanges, birthday celebrations...

Weird, but a good weird if we don't picture the sex part!!

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Be nice to be liked by others

According to Author and Entrepreneur James Altucher:


Was my email in the previous post, composed in such a way, so that he should like me, or were those my true feelings? Do I really really respect him that much, or am I faking? It is so difficult to know oneself. I've two minds: one which appreciates, respects others, and the other ridicules and questions the motives. Here I'm clueless of why I act, the way I act. Oh yes, I hate myself!!!!

I'm so excited to get hold of two of his favorite books: 

Switch : how to change things when change is hard / Chip Heath and Dan Heath.

Blink : the power of thinking without thinking / Malcolm Gladwell.

I'm looking forward for the fascinating journey these books might take me to. I definitely would love to study human brain.

Monday, December 16, 2013

I'm scared of myself!!

I'm really not capable to live in this world. I'm so good at ruining things, all I need do is to speak, the hell will break loose. Ha! God forbid, if anybody shows interest in me, all I have to do to tarnish is to speak freely without thinking - the end result: TADA! there goes the budding friendship.

You know what I've realized is nothing is permanent, especially feelings. One day I think someone so dear, and next day when they somehow hurt me, the feelings are gone, the special moments are gone. The person who made me feel alive, or made me look forward for something amazing will suddenly become my mind's enemy. 

In my previous post, I mentioned about how a white lie irritated me, and made me tight lipped without a smile has actually created a kind of distance in my heart for the music teacher. The thing is I WAS GOING THROUGH THE WORST THANKSGIVING WEEKEND DURING THAT TIME, AND I WAS SO HEART BROKEN, and when he totally ignored the email from my daughter, I've given up on everyone; decided that nobody cares, and nobody want to be nice.

 By next week, I decided to forgo the disappointment, and be friendly as usual.

Everything went on smoothly, but not totally like before, as I already created distance in my mind, so slightly I was reserved, but still laughed at his jokes. My mind has so much control on me that even if I want to be back like before, I cannot. I always put opposite person in jeopardy...they don't know what I want. When they come closer, I push them off - by some kind of awful behavior or talk, and when they pull back -  I start showering them with immense attention. I myself will not be knowing whether I hate them or want them.

So on that day, right at the end of the class, I discussed about a music piece called "Fountain in the Rain" by William Gillock, which my daughter will play for the recital. I told him that I saw a different award winning version of the same piece on YouTube, and that's the one captures the listener, and not the version he is teaching. "Me", the illiterate of classical music talking to a professor. What the hell I was thinking. I told him that it is just a discussion, just my point of view. He told that he is teaching exactly like the piece written by the composer, not improvising the piece. 

That night I couldn't sleep - thought he might already be hating me, whatever happy moments between us withered away, all left now is just like others HATREDNESS towards me. In my mind, I welcomed him to the club.

Next day, I played the YouTube version to review. That's when I noticed the girl not at all playing like the way Mr. Gillock composed, the right hand was not even pianissimo. I felt pain in my chest after realizing my terrible mistake of discussing with him. 

I quickly sent an email: After going through the YouTube video(the one which I mentioned yesterday) one more time, I apologize for even bringing up the topic to discuss. Anyway, what I wanted to say is you're doing an awesome job. Hope my daughter delivers the way you expect the piece to be played.

Well, then he replied by saying: Thank you!  I really appreciate your support!  I'm sure she will perform beautifully!!

But late that evening while I was making her practice, I raised few questions to my daughter about dynamics, and the way it is supposed to be played. She couldn't answer me. So she emailed him along with the the video displaying which technique to be played.

What do you think -  will we get response? 


 I felt like dying. I cried so much in the middle of the night. I decided not to go to the recital, or see him again. Because for me, once when I know that they hate me, I don't want to interact anymore. Because I vision hatefulness in their eyes; seeing me itself they get the feeling of yuckiness. 

I know it's all in my mind, but I've no control on my thoughts. I've no control on my emotions or thoughts. Everybody, everybody hates me; no scope of forgiveness from anybody because I'm so replaceable. No, no exceptions when it comes to me. When he replied for my second iMessage(the one which I mentioned in my previous post), I thought - OMG, he cares for my feelings! Yes! Yes! Woohoo! Did not express outwardly that much, but inwardly that's how I felt. Someone cares about your feelings is such an irreplaceable treasure!!

But now, how can he not respond to my daughter's email, when it is so urgent!! Will he say that he won't teach my kids because of me? Will he complain to his colleagues about how pain in the ass I'm?  By the time, it was morning, my thoughts where not as dark as in the middle of night. I thought he will forgive me when he receives Christmas gift from me. Oh yeah, I ordered a special gift for him from AMAZON one week ago, and requested to deliver to his address directly. It is pair of Goldfinch singing birds - moisture meter gauge for indoor plants.

I decided to not to think of why he didn't reply, no more whys', as I don't care anymore. I came to understanding that my anger/disappointment on others ruin me more than anybody else. Only cure is not to send any more emails from my daughter's account or directly from me or any iMessages from me to him. No more communication of any sort in between classes. No hell will break if I don't get answers to unexpected questions which usually rise during practice sessions. Promised myself of not bother him with any kind of interaction, just maintain distance. 

When we went to the recital, the first thing I noticed is he was avoiding eye contact, just like me. At this point, I've no clue whether this hatredness for each other is in my head or it is really happening. He told my daughter that he couldn't reply to the email as the email arrived too late.  WHATEVEEEERRRR, that's what I screamed within myself. 

My kids performed exactly like the way he wished for. He was so happy. I introduced kids' ex-teacher to him. We all had good talk, and a brief photo session. I was feeling bad within myself that I ruined everything, thinking that we will never be nice to each other again. I questioned within myself about how can I be so dislikeable, how there is no one in this world who can sing for me "safe and sound" lyrics. I kept my ill-feelings aside, and shook his hand wishing him good luck for his tonsillitis operation. He warmly shook my hand, and said, "let us meet on Jan 2nd or 3rd for the next class." 

What I realized is I should have not compared different interpretations of the song, when on one side my daughter is performing, as she is not totally matured to generate the emotions of the piece "Fountain in the rain" like the way he wanted. So the contest is one-sided. How can I like one over the other when there is no equal pianist on both versions. Other thing he should have realized is I WAS JUST DISCUSSING, it has nothing to do with his talent or knowledge when he is firmly sticking to the way composer composed. Based on that factor itself he should not get upset and be open to hear people's preferences.

To tell you honestly, every composer should really thank him if at all he is teaching their pieces as he really brings out true emotions of the piece. He lays out a true story behind the music to the listener. He gets out the meaning of every note on the music sheet with a powerful, understandable story. When the Ex-teacher heard his version of "Fountain in the rain", when I daughter played for the recital, she was speechless. What she said to me is I never heard that kind of interpretation, and she never knew that so much was going on in that particular piece. She did not know that the piece can be so dramatic. More than couple of people congratulated my daughter for her performance.

When I returned home, I realized that Amazon will be delivering the gift on the same day. I was like, "oh boy, if goldfinches don't fix the mess, then nothing can."

Unfortunately, the seller did not provide personal message or gift wrapping facility, so I had to send an email informing to accept the package.

This is how I composed the email under the subject "PREDICTION, PREDICTION":

"Someone is outside your door!
Needs shelter, love and attention!

Would you be the one who can help these tiny ones on this cold and windy day??

They promise to be cute, and still help you somehow!!"

No reply from him til I went to bed. I cried and cried thinking about how bad I'm, how I'm unfit for this world, how nobody, nobody cares for me. I thought to myself if at all he replies by saying thanks, then I'll write a long email explaining everything of how much he is appreciated for all the nice things he did during these three months of knowing him. Even thought to write the lyric of Matchbox 20's "if you're gone" 

"I think you're so mean, I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
And I think I'm scared, do I talk too much
I know it's wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room but I can hardly move"

Morning I woke up with swollen eyes, mbd was scared to check email; what if he did not reply. 

But thank you God: he replied. Woohoo! That too in a most amazing way:

"Most definitely will provide shelter love and affection!  :-)

I think I sound them!  So adorable and sing when called upon.

It is a real delight to work with you and your children. Thank you!"

"A REAL DELIGHT TO WORK WITH ME", how did that happen? 

Now, I did not know how to reply: keep it low profile or go as planned to tell him how much he is appreciated.

This is what I composed:

" "I think I sound them! ", haha...pretty funny!

I'm really glad you like them!!

Allow me to stroke your ego by passing on few comments made by kids Ex-teacher about you.

I don't know what kind of magic you spelt on her, but she is so gaga over you....ready to hear...

You have kind eyes.

Your eyes convey to her that you are a giver, more than a taker.

She really, really likes you a lot.

She feels so good about you.....

Well, I can't read that deep by looking at someone's eyes, but I echo her sentiments.

I just want to let you know that you're immensely respected, and every affectionate deed of yours is highly valued.

I pretty much feel that we have a very good understanding between each other, but if at all if it ever wobbles, please don't keep any kind of animosity, just keep the dialogue open. I really want to keep a very cordial rapport with you.

Hope and wish that you'll be at bay from any pain or inconvenience during tonsillitis recovery.

Wishing you the Gifts of Peace and Happiness this Christmas and throughout the New Year!!"

No reply that day, but next day, YES, YES, got it. I guess I fixed it for now.

"Thank you!  I agree!  We will always keep communication open and direct. Everything is going very well and I know it will continue to be a very productive relationship for a long time.

I hope you have a happy holiday, and I will look forward to seeing you in January!

With warm regards"

The email which I composed to him, if anybody did for me, I would have cried so much! It was powerful, filled with honest appreciation and real respect for him; at least that's how I perceive. Yes, his reply too was thoughtful, professional, and right  amount of warmthness. 

All I can think of now is please, please God help me to behave well; make me mature; make me to act according to my age; no more childish temper tantrums; help me to hold at least one relationship forever without any kind of animosity, just pure respect, enough admiration to withstand any kind of season.

Oh, I'm so glad he is GAY. No boundaries or limits to express true feelings!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

White lie, is it necessary?

WHITE LIE...they are so easy to say.  Surprisingly, you won't even feel bad about it. Not harmful, but doesn't give right opinion about anybody who says. 

white lie

An often trivial, diplomatic or well-intentioned untruth

Take for instance this scenario with the music teacher. He and I came to an agreement of sending audio version of a song piece on which kids are working on during that particular week in between weekly classes.

Once when I sent, he couldn't reply during that week bacause he was traveling. Yes, he had a valid reason. I agree, but later on by seeing disappointment over my face, he said, actually I heard them, but did not find time to comment. I know the actual truth, he did not listen as that one particular time, my daughter actually hummed while playing the tune. She took that extra effort based on my recommendation, and here is lying so easily. I just kept quiet, knowing his intention of not to make us feel disappointed.

The following week I did not bother to send as I felt that this is unnecessary harassment for him. So when we went to the class, he commented by saying, "hey guys, I missed your weekend recordings."

I replied back by saying, "we thought you'll be busy, so just thought to give you a break."

Somehow he convinced us that he really looks forward for the audios.

Because of so many non-responsive emails from J, I become anxious whenever people don't respond to my emails. So that's why I started sending  these recorded versions from my kids' account. In that way, if he won't respond, it will look more like he did not respond to their emails than mine. Yes, I know totally immature, screwed up brain. Thanks to J's insincerity or whatever!

Couple of week's ago, he assigned "ARIA" by Georg Philip Telemann's piece. YES! YES! A GERMAN COMPOSER! This piece is totally a lovely piece wrapped with so many layers of warm feelings. My daughter and I totally loved it. This one page piece is so good to listen that my daughter willfully worked hard to give importance to the top voices, and played the song so beautifully in her first week itself.  As my mood was not bright enough to record and send to the music teacher, we sent the audio version on Monday instead of usual Sundays, so that I don't disappoint him, and not to hear "where were my audio recordings for this week?"

My daughter and I waited patiently on Monday. No reply from him. Then came Tuesday...still no reply. I was like why will soneone not reply when something sounds so good, why can't someone spare 2 min to hear the audio....why, why, WHY??? 

Earlier that thanksgiving week, kids had a wonderful class. And this time he even bothered to reply to my iMessage. So I thought we have a very good understanding, and kind of like each other's company, or regard each other's existence. Whatever the feeling was good.

On Monday, even I had a dream that he replied to the email, but 😏😒😞no reply!

That day I made a decision, or came to a conclusion of not to wait for his response  if he won't reply the same day as he willfully not responding.

That came out true when we went for the next Wednesday class. I really tried hard of not to show disappointment, and to act casually like as if nothing happened, but almost an hour of drive to the class, and seeing his face, did not make anything better.

We greeted each other, but I know very well that my mannerisms were easy to catch that I was disappointed. Whatever reason, PMS this week or whatever wrong with me, I just couldn't smile. The whole class I was like my lips were sealed. I did not look into his eyes.

At beginning of the class, he said, "sorry guys, I did not get time to hear as I was so busy with work...end of the year semester exams for Grad students..."

When the time came to hear the song, he acknowledged by taking a tiny gulf: indication of I LIED,  that he infact heard it, but just couldn't comment. He infact praised her devotion, hardwork in getting out the melody, the sound quality, her total work.

What I don't understand is why he couldn't reply at least just a word, instead of showing like he totally ignored. Forget about me, but he was dealing with a nine year old kid, couldn't he be more compassionate! Maybe because he has no kids of his own, so he cannot feel empathy towards them.

Later on while correcting her fingering, he again addressed saying that sometimes it is difficult to communicate through emails about exactly what he want to address. 

YES, YES, I completely understand! But who told him to correct everything; just an acknowledgement with his basic thoughts, instead of totally non-response.

Maybe because of my totally pathetic  face which forced him to come out with truth, but why to lie, that too infront of kids. Why to ruin his reputation?

Well, that day it did not go well. I kept myself busy by reading Nicholas Sparks novel "The Longest Ride". Like I said before, he always watches for my reaction to his jokes, or whenever kids successfully display exactly like the way he instructed. Basically he always acknowledges my presence. 

Well, I did not behave the way I usually do, there used to be a happy smile on my face whenever I'm in his class...he always cheers me up, but not that day.

Nobody can be forever my friend, as I always bring out worst behavior out of people. So they just give up on me. Nothing to impress here....let's move on, that's the attitude they will develop, once they get to know me.

Well, nobody is perfect, but the one who stays even after seeing your imperfectness, will be yours forever, the keeper, the one whom you always find in Nicholas Sparks's male characters. Ha!

Now, all I'm wishing is that I should not screw up for my kids. He is the best! He teaches sincerely; not bothered much about exact class timings, no distractions during teaching, sincerely plans what's best for kids, and a very good face to face communicator, and in general a warm person. This is not about me, it is about kids, about their piano learning. Hope my stupid attitude on that day won't change his way of teaching, his mannerisms!😔

That's why Lufthansa Steward and I are safe. We both will never find each others' in-built negative nature. At least, for me he always stands for the four letter precious word called LOVE!