Monday, October 7, 2013

I'm Nobody for Anybody

I’m sad, like unbelievable sad. I cannot pinpoint on one thing, but mainly, I think it is failure – failure to win over people. What I figured out is everybody has something else important than me. Making me happy is nobody’s priority. I try to live life as far from people as possible, but people enter in my life, only to hurt my feelings. Think about Steward itself – I was just traveling as usual like millions of people, minding my own business, but he had to show interest in me, only to desert me in the end.

The problem with me is raising my expectations over others. Yes, events happen in everybody’s life, but they just let it go. I’m someone if someone talks or be nice with me, I start raising expectations. And those expectations lead me to sadness. I am not able to count on others. Till now in my life, not able to find not even one, not even my kith and kin. My parents were supposed to spend fifteen days with me, but chose only eight days in-spite of me requesting them millions of times. They just don’t want to come because of previous bad experiences given by none other than my husband. What bothered me is how my sister who booked tickets for them, never even bothered to check with me about the dates and timings, through email or by phone call. Yes, she paid the ticket for US trip for my parents as she was pregnant, and needed their assistance during and after delivery, but she agreed to send them for fifteen days. Now all of a certain, she just cheated me by purchasing ticket with only eight days to spare time with my parents. When I saw the email, I hastily replied about how she has disrespected, and had did not show decency to check with me before making final purchase, and such an act you don’t do with people whom you love, or regard. I told them not to call, think that I’m dead and asked them to cancel the tickets, as I’ll not be coming to airport to pick up.

You know what they did - they are ready to think that I’m dead as they did not call. This is what I’m talking about “NO ONE NEEDS ME.” No one cares if I’m hurt. From time and time, I noticed showing reluctance to others wishes has never made me happy, or made me closer to what I want, only it made me sad, because no one will ever bend for me. I am not that precious. I am nobody for everybody.

My self-esteem is not strong enough to push these forces which hurt me. My maturity is not high enough to not to cry or get hurt. My ambitions’ are not far-fetched that I can ignore people and my surroundings. My life is useless as I haven’t proved to myself or to others, what I’m worth off. I depend and act on the natural course, from marrying to having children – nothing planned, everything happened on its own. And such a thing not happened with my career. So here I’m, with lot of desire to achieve something, but not doing anything. And thereby, allowing others to hurt me. I wait for someone to see something in me, some kind of talent to encourage and guide me to pursue. But there is no such soul, nor there is, no such fantasy world, or be-at-right-time-in-right-place kind of destiny.

Through Twitter, I've come to know this adorable Hungarian girl who loves Lufthansa so much, that she is trying so hard to become a flight attendant for them.  Through her tweets, I came to know her German boyfriend. They are in so much love with each other. Their interactions make my heart cry. Their pure, innocent love makes me feel sad for myself. She is close to achieving her dream of become a flight attendant for Lufthansa is fulfilling, but inside it is aching, like why I did not plan my life, or why I did not turn out to be the lucky one, like why things I want, doesn't fall in right place, just like the way I want.

Their cute tweets:

She: He has everything I dreamed of, and that's why I'm so glad, that he's my world <3
He: so are you <3
She: Ich muss los, ich werde dir später screiben, wenn es möglich ist. Ich liebe dich unendlich, Schatz ♥(I gotta go, I'll tell you later Inscribe if it is possible. I love you endlessly, darling ♥)
He: okay Süße, ich dich auch <3(Okay honey, I love you too)
She:He's my everything ♥
He: und du meins <3 was machst du? :)(And you mine)
She: Schatz, rette mich, ich kanns nicht mehr! ;_;( Treasure, save me, I do not kanns! , _,)
He: umarmt dich <3 DM :)(hugging you)

These are just a few. They do like these back-and-forth every day.


Seeing their tweets is like watching a beautiful, German romantic movie unfolding everyday with these two beautiful souls who are in reality to beautiful, so perfect for each other. Their romantic German tweets are giving me one more reason to love the German language.

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