Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I'm still into you

What should I do? Chasing Lufthansa is not helping me, making me sorrow. Crying over things which you will not get doesn't help you to over come them.

The hell, I don't know, but I WANT HIM. I want to see him. How can I reach him? I just want to see once, just once. Let me, God, let me. I cannot find peace for as long as I cannot see him. I need to see him. Or else at least deviate my attention...please do something. Nowadays, I look like a dead person; my eyes don't show any kind of life. They look dead. 

It is just so bad; you can make him forget about me, but not the other way around. I cannot join Lufthansa; I am not eligible to become FA in many ways, and until he came that was not even my dream, but still why do I feel sick that I'm ineligible for Lufthansa. I cannot go to Frankfurt in search for him. Please do something - I WANT TO SEE HIM. Everyday I'm patiently waiting for the craziness to go away, but I'm becoming worst. I long for him. I think about him every single day. 

Please help me forget Lufthansa or anything related to it. How can I forget about them, when I'm following them on twitter. I can't stop! I need to know the truth. I've to solve this unsolved mystery. I've to know who he is, what his likes/dislikes, what are his mannerisms, his everyday life, his history, his future plans.....Anything related to him, I need to know from German language to Frankfurt to German culture. I am overwhelmed with this affair. Wish you could feel my pain.Timberlake's lyrics are buzzing in my head:

"And baby
It's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you here, one day you there
One day you care, you're so unfair"

And that's it, today's cry is over, back to real life! That is how it is - I switch off my emotions like a switch - on/off. 

I think, I really love him, like even though I don't know anything about him. That day he was like my mirror, whatever feelings I was feeling for him, he showed it on his face. We were so connected, just like that in an instant. Wish I knew at that time, that I'll cry over him in the future. I MISS YOU DEARLY! 

Today's cry goes to Hungarian girl, who soon will have telephone interview for Lufthansa flight attendant post. As she itches closer, I feel miserable for being far away from my hope😔.

"Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the reason I hold on
Ooh, ooh, ooh, 'cause I need this hole gone."

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Little bit of goodness never goes waste

Recently, my son's classmate broke her hand die to P.E. teacher's negligence, and at the same time mom was sick with pneumonia, and her Dad has aggravated his back. 

Her mom sent a really sad text message about her situation.

"I was up checking on my daughter and giving meds every few hours. My husband is still in bed. He has two herniated discs so being up on his feet for almost two days at hospital and other commitments has aggravated his back. I'm trying to get rest to overcome pneumonia. My cough is bad and breathing, strength overall. We're just in bad shape, aren't we? When it rains it pours. 😞I just hate to inconvenience anyone. "

At the same time, my friend's parents are not doing good, going through old age, and health problems related to it.

My son's class parents along with me, decided to help her out my delivering lunch and dinner from various restaurants. The help poured in from every corner. And I know the reason for this gratitude, because this friend I'm talking about is really really a very good person, genuinely helps everybody, talks friendly without any kind of ego or racial discrimination, and goes beyond her comfort zone to find out what teachers favorite things are, and requests parents to pool money to present year end gifts to teachers for their yearlong effort for teaching our kids. Once she even wrote a letter to local news channel about one particular teacher. Her eloquet letter was one of the reason for that teacher to get recognition for more than a decade service to public school. I used to wonder and ask questions within myself about where does she get this strength from, why she goes beyond her way to help others, why she can't think that this is not her business or her headache, and push it to someone else....

At this juncture, she really needed help.

I consoled her by sending her this message: "I'm so sorry to hear.  My suggestion is to take our help. This is the time for you to just allow others to help you. All your goodness throughout many years are coming back to you in the form of help. So don't hesitate, don't feel bad. Testing time for your patience. Please don't say like that. Might look like inconvenience, but everybody needs help. We are humans!  Please don't feel bad. Time will cure everything. For so many years, you did for everybody like as if it is your duty. They say, little bit of goodness never goes waste, and that is what is coming true. All I can say is you need help, without hesitation accept our help. It is not at all hindrance, we are proving to one another that humanity exist, and if we break it down, the problem doesn't even look like a problem anymore."

Now, after three weeks, they are all settling down. My friend feels much better now.

Her thank you card has blown me away.

Once more it has been proved that "nothing makes you happy, than helping others." I'm blessed to play a small part in helping and consoling her in those dark days. I wholeheartedly wish her and her family, a happy life.

I strongly feel that she brought the best out of us. She can thank everybody, but that's what happened. 

I don't feel like I did much to her, but her eloquent 'thank you' letter depicts her heart felt thanks. My words might have given her strength which she was looking for during her sickness, and thereby has much more in depth meaning than anybody can notice. It is all about state of mind.

When I think of Steward, I also prefer that one chance to say my heart felt thanks. I cannot describe in words of how happy he made me feel. I needed that so badly, and without asking me, he just gave it to me, whatever it was - assurance of him being there for me, or I'm visible, or I'm worthy enough to get someone's notice, or his desire for my friendship.....whatever it was, the best I ever felt. And for that I'm so thankful to God and to him. Bless his heart!

Monday, October 7, 2013

I'm Nobody for Anybody

I’m sad, like unbelievable sad. I cannot pinpoint on one thing, but mainly, I think it is failure – failure to win over people. What I figured out is everybody has something else important than me. Making me happy is nobody’s priority. I try to live life as far from people as possible, but people enter in my life, only to hurt my feelings. Think about Steward itself – I was just traveling as usual like millions of people, minding my own business, but he had to show interest in me, only to desert me in the end.

The problem with me is raising my expectations over others. Yes, events happen in everybody’s life, but they just let it go. I’m someone if someone talks or be nice with me, I start raising expectations. And those expectations lead me to sadness. I am not able to count on others. Till now in my life, not able to find not even one, not even my kith and kin. My parents were supposed to spend fifteen days with me, but chose only eight days in-spite of me requesting them millions of times. They just don’t want to come because of previous bad experiences given by none other than my husband. What bothered me is how my sister who booked tickets for them, never even bothered to check with me about the dates and timings, through email or by phone call. Yes, she paid the ticket for US trip for my parents as she was pregnant, and needed their assistance during and after delivery, but she agreed to send them for fifteen days. Now all of a certain, she just cheated me by purchasing ticket with only eight days to spare time with my parents. When I saw the email, I hastily replied about how she has disrespected, and had did not show decency to check with me before making final purchase, and such an act you don’t do with people whom you love, or regard. I told them not to call, think that I’m dead and asked them to cancel the tickets, as I’ll not be coming to airport to pick up.

You know what they did - they are ready to think that I’m dead as they did not call. This is what I’m talking about “NO ONE NEEDS ME.” No one cares if I’m hurt. From time and time, I noticed showing reluctance to others wishes has never made me happy, or made me closer to what I want, only it made me sad, because no one will ever bend for me. I am not that precious. I am nobody for everybody.

My self-esteem is not strong enough to push these forces which hurt me. My maturity is not high enough to not to cry or get hurt. My ambitions’ are not far-fetched that I can ignore people and my surroundings. My life is useless as I haven’t proved to myself or to others, what I’m worth off. I depend and act on the natural course, from marrying to having children – nothing planned, everything happened on its own. And such a thing not happened with my career. So here I’m, with lot of desire to achieve something, but not doing anything. And thereby, allowing others to hurt me. I wait for someone to see something in me, some kind of talent to encourage and guide me to pursue. But there is no such soul, nor there is, no such fantasy world, or be-at-right-time-in-right-place kind of destiny.

Through Twitter, I've come to know this adorable Hungarian girl who loves Lufthansa so much, that she is trying so hard to become a flight attendant for them.  Through her tweets, I came to know her German boyfriend. They are in so much love with each other. Their interactions make my heart cry. Their pure, innocent love makes me feel sad for myself. She is close to achieving her dream of become a flight attendant for Lufthansa is fulfilling, but inside it is aching, like why I did not plan my life, or why I did not turn out to be the lucky one, like why things I want, doesn't fall in right place, just like the way I want.

Their cute tweets:

She: He has everything I dreamed of, and that's why I'm so glad, that he's my world <3
He: so are you <3
She: Ich muss los, ich werde dir später screiben, wenn es möglich ist. Ich liebe dich unendlich, Schatz ♥(I gotta go, I'll tell you later Inscribe if it is possible. I love you endlessly, darling ♥)
He: okay Süße, ich dich auch <3(Okay honey, I love you too)
She:He's my everything ♥
He: und du meins <3 was machst du? :)(And you mine)
She: Schatz, rette mich, ich kanns nicht mehr! ;_;( Treasure, save me, I do not kanns! , _,)
He: umarmt dich <3 DM :)(hugging you)

These are just a few. They do like these back-and-forth every day.

Seeing their tweets is like watching a beautiful, German romantic movie unfolding everyday with these two beautiful souls who are in reality to beautiful, so perfect for each other. Their romantic German tweets are giving me one more reason to love the German language.