Thursday, February 7, 2013

Poof! I'm gone!

From two days, I am looking away from the painting which I adored everyday because I feel like a 'MORON' for painting and for making a big deal about the moments which I had with him. I just don't know, why I do such things. My brain says, "because you wanted to."

Recently I read this quote from TheLoveAid : If you make the same mistake twicethen it was not a mistake at all, it was a choice.

After what I experienced with J, I should have known better that "liking someone on the spot" or "locking eyes with someone" or "showing interest or feeling chemistry", means pursuing or searching for some temporary fun not for eternity.

For so long, why I did not think that if he was still interested in me, he could have searched on internet for that day's story or a blog or anything related to it which could lead him to me but he won't. But then, I thought Google won't give same kind of search results in every other country...But then I thought, definitely, he would have traveled some city of America and if he searched that time, he would have reached me....But the thing is, he won't. Because the day I did not acknowledge to his move, things collapsed....I am nothing for him. Poof! I'm gone! Yes, I did not acknowledge, but what about your belief. Is there no weight-age to it?

But look at me, the poor me, things started for me, right that minute when my chapter closed for him. Maybe it is routine, for youngsters and majority of folks in the world, to like someone and then pursue to take the relationship further if everything goes well. If not, move on. But for me, that's not the case. No one falls for me or shows interest on me. I don't even want it. But when somethings happen in life, it should have a meaning. So it is crude joke God played with me. Of course, I should have known to get my act together after what I went through with J. But this time, of course just like last time, I believed in those magical moments which I thought will last forever. Unwavering eyes trying to find answers in my eyes is something everyone should experience but ultimately want a meaning to that experience...because without purpose, it looks shallow.

"A man may pursue a woman in various ways, but if she doesn't accept his advances he usually forgets the girl as just another attractive girl he wanted to go out with. It’s easier for a man to like a girl one day and forget he ever liked her the next because he has so many stages to deal with before he even makes up his mind on falling in love."how-men-fall-in-love-stages-of-love

How awful it is to think that I cried for him for so many months, tried to reach him, always different ideas popped up in my head of ways to find him and the most awful thing is doing oil painting when he doesn't even damn care for me. How stupid can I be?  I promise to myself that I'll never ever again believe in anything of this sort, ever again. First of all, I don't want to because I truly believed that day. If that can't come true, nothing will ever will. With all these, one thing proved that I liked those moments with him - a lot...the way the story played out means a lot to me other than the ending where I did not take any action. No movie script is equivalent to my liking than the one happened in my life. If it was a movie scene, it would have been my favorite. I would have played it over and over again which of course, I did million times in my brain and after all these days, it still feels fresh.  I did not know that I wanted to experience that kind of story, but now - because of him, I experienced it. And for that reason, he will be special. But still I can't look at my painting, because it reminds  present form of him who does not care for me and that he totally forgot about me....I don't mean anything for him.

"They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Those who come for a reason are here to teach us something, or serve a purpose. Those who come for a season are here to get us through a difficult time, or maybe enhance a happy time. Once the purpose or the time is met, that person leaves our life. It may feel sad, but it truly is something for which we should be grateful. Life sent us that person to bring the help we needed - like a guardian angel."

It is unbearable to imagine that his tenure is over and we both don't have anything  to do with each other anymore. If I still look/think about him, I don't feel like that at all. The worst thing is I harbored the feelings so perfectly that even though one and half year passed, I still feel like it happened yesterday. His face, his gestures are crystal clear. Recently, I even found Frankfurt airport's  twitter handle. A month ago, I gave myself a condition that if I pass Actuarial exam and get a job then I can contact them to help me out. Who knows, some angel  might think of helping. But I don't think so, I'll ever try. I know he moved on!!!

But there are some really lovely/happy-ever-after-stories too in this world. Well for some including me, I may look like moron but for people for whom such stories come true, might be not. Stories like Love in the Air: A Stewardess Falls Head Over Heel or Kelsey Grammer not joking about falling in love at first sight: the two married in a ...He and Walsh, a British flight attendant, met on a trans-Atlantic flight  or Love at first flight: Couple who met on Delta plane to Chicago get engaged on same journey two years later.

I was always skeptical about liking someone on the spot vs liking them after totally knowing them. Here is a story of what happens when you meet your missed connection.  By the way, not a Cinderella story. All I can say is she gives love a bad name. What I understood from that post is there is lot of ugliness in this world, so you totally should not believe in what you see. You should not even believe in yourselves as your brain plays games with you, makes you believe in something, makes you get attached to something when you know damn well that you can't get it. But when you get what you want, poof, just like that - feelings gone - just on time to make you look like a MORON. I still don't understand the purpose of living, each and every day.

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