Thursday, January 3, 2013

Where was I?

Where was I from October? Well, I did something very unusual. I guess, no person with a right frame of mind would do, but I did it.

Why did I do? Well, for self-satisfaction, for answers, for love, most important of all, for memory sake. To seal off that special person forever in my life.

One day, when I went to a neighboring art shop along with my friend, my eyes fell on this art, that's when a brilliant idea popped in,....I thought to do oil painting of myself with Lufthansa steward....but then I noticed, the guy's face is not showing up in this art

So I searched and searched....

searched some more, to find the right art which depicts the happiness in both of us in finding each other, enjoying the moment being with each other. Being a married person, I wanted something which is not sexual as the guy whom I about to oil paint is not my husband but a guy whom I love the dearest, especially the moment with him which I cherish and miss a lot.

My search led me to the below picture. Yes, I like the happiness in the guy's face. That's the smile I wanted in my art and I even like the girl. I can transform myself with that hairstyle....but the problem is her skin is showing off too much....that means I will be dancing with someone who is not my husband and that too in skimpy clothes which looked like a bad and uncomfortable idea.

This is knife style painting not usual brush. Even though, it looks pretty and messy at the same time, but very hard to paint and achieve the end results, especially blending with the nearest color. Finding every time the nearest complimentary color out of your palette is tough. You will find yourself with some unexpected dull undesirable color after experimentation.

This would have been my take on us if I tried to pursue their dancing move.
I searched and searched and finally reached something which is decent. All I need to do is change the dancers to you-know-who and make them smile as that's what I wanted is see him - smiling. Should he smile at me in the art or watch me directly and smile, like the way he did on that day?

I went ahead and painted like the way he looked at me with a smile as if I'm familiar to him. Face is not just eyes, nose and a mouth but features, bone structure, facial structure, but it is much more than that, the expression. Well, how did I reach to that point where I was totally satisfied with the visage, which totally depicts my friend. Well, thanks to a special artist who posted her boyfriend's sketch which reminded me of my guy.

With that sketch, I drew the below one:

Now, my problem is he is not smiling. He looks totally sad. Yes, I understand - losing me and not able to find me, has taken toll on him, but in my painting, he need to look like that day - happy, totally happy.

I was not happy with his sad face, so I started to do research on male models but apparently no male model believes in smiling to the camera. But one day, when I was watching Piers Morgan, I saw a guy whose smile,  I kinda liked it. I don't know his name or what he does, but something related to "peace".

smiley guy

Just like that, I changed his face using photoshop to see whether  the smile matches to his face.
but when I started oil painting, I drew so many faces and was not satisfied at all.....I was not able to reach his face.

Then suddenly, I thought about Javier Fernandez. I cursed myself about forgetting him. And I thought, he is the one will lead me to him. But the problem was there was no clarity in any of his pictures. One thing, I know that Javier's nose is not same as my guy...not even eyebrows or slight rough look in Javier, but yes to the big eyes and the cheek bones.

But then, one day while watching George Stephanopoulos's The Week, I came across Republican candidate Josh Handel.

From certain angle, Josh Handel looks like him, especially in the above picture. That's the smile, I was looking for. The bone structure from below the eyes, but not Josh's nose or the eyes which are slightly shallow compare to my guy and of course, not even his hair style. But the smile....I was awestruck. But as usual couldn't get better picture to do oil painting.

But finally, with all kinds of input, from different men, different pictures, I present you - Lufthansa Flight Attendant dancing away with one and only me.

I dedicate this portrait to him, to that day, to our moment. That day, that's how I looked at him, with amazement of what's happening - why person like him, showing interest in me. I always come up with one question - What did he see in me? Wish I could see in myself of what he saw in me on that day. Well, this portrait kind of answers about our beautiful moment. Maybe together we would have been something, which he was able to see, which I couldn't envision.
When I bought the canvas 48 * 48 from Michaels, I was as happy as the day I met him.....a kind of 100% as if I'm finally going to meet him....after long long time but mind you - this was only through canvas.....but my stupid brain, increased the endorphin, thereby I was totally happy until I faced problems with painting, facial structure. But at the end, whenever I look at him, whenever he looks at me, my decision to draw him, makes sense,  even though, I did not draw my dancing pose with my husband. Even though, I should run away from his thoughts, but I got attached to him....I guess, I can truly say, I love him or maybe the thought of him.

I do pray a lot to forget about him as it is not healthy for me to think about him after so many months. Sometimes I curse myself, sometimes I kinda hate him but then sometimes I find myself thanking him for coming into my life, for making me feel special, for giving me a chance to go through that beautiful love-at-first-sight moment. Until I don't expect anything from him and just be happy of what happened between us, that should help me move on with my life.....Some days, I find myself crying a lot, thinking about him, thinking about the opportunity but at the same time, negative thoughts or reality kicks in, saying that who knows who he is, who knows whether how long his interest would have lasted - older, married, kids, unemployed and unambitious person. How he ambitiously planned his life - "like traveling" I guess, knew how to achieve it - went through the Flight Attendant process and got into the number second European airline. I used to travel before but after kids, my traveling - going to different places nose dived but now, after meeting him, after understanding his way of life makes me cry a lot - that I did not plan my life. I ruined the whole thing for me. I also wanted to become a  Flight Attendant when I was twelve or thirteen but somehow no one around me thought I was right fit. They thought that you have to be 5'4" or higher to be a flight attendant. So I stopped thinking about it. I can't have any other life than what I have you, Mr. Flight Attendant shush away from my life. Don't make me cry anymore.

But then I come across this kind of ad:

Here is the link, in case the video does not show up:

How cute the ad is. "Go get her"...REALLY?!?!
I guess, nobody said to the flight attendant  - "Go get her" when he was wallowing about missing me....

One week ago, I came across this movie:
Here is the link, in case the video does not show up:

Married, older, unemployed woman with two kids meets a younger guy......SOUNDS FAMILIAR?!?!

In between, I came across this book: Charles Duhigg's  The Power of Habit
In my current status, I had to know the answers of why I keep on think about him and making myself morose. What kind of reward, I am getting. Why do you I encourage such thoughts of going to Frankfurt and using my oil painting portrait, ask shopkeepers at the airport of whether they came across the person who looks like in this portrait? Why I encourage such thoughts of sharing this portrait with other Lufthansa flight attendants on my future journey? Why do I encourage myself that he too is still in love with me? Why do I keep on thinking about that day's moments? Why do I keep on seeing his face/his smile/his gestures? Why the past won't go away?

Do I want to change this habit? YES! I want to forget him. I requested God - Either make me meet him again or allow me to forget.

The Cue: When do I feel the urge of thinking about him? When I think about "love" or movie about "love" or flight attendants or planes or travel.

The Reward: Recollecting the incident on that day which gives me false hope of:  I also have someone who loves me. I also have a beautiful love story. I also have someone who finds me interesting. 

Analyzed: When craving do you think your habit is satisfying? Sometimes "yes"...sometimes, it fills me up with positive feelings but quickly vanishes away into sadness....deep, deep depression. My theory is that I need human interaction, a job not to just to work and earn but meet new people, come across new problems, new happy more mature and responsible.

The Routine: Now that I've identified the cue and the reward....insert a new routine?!?! FINDING A JOB - which is not easy as everybody wants a qualified, experienced person. 

A new year, a new it there???

I end this post with this lovely song by Kelly Clarkson: 

There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?

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