Monday, January 28, 2013

Travel around the world from comfort of your home

Thanks to Online Streaming options, hubby and I traveled all over the world.

First comes FRANCE:

a French funny movie "I do". Totally funny! I loved Alain Chabat's acting. Looking at his face itself, makes you laugh.

Moral: It doesn't matter how much you are fixed on your choices for a life partner but when you fall in love, all it matters is "LOVE" nothing else, you tend to ignore the choices once you meet that special person, the love of your life.

Next foreign movie was: Spanish movie "Biutiful". This movie is just the opposite of Biutiful. I liked the movie and  Javier Bardem's acting. He became one of my favorite actor after seeing Skyfall. This movie is about how humans are selfish - just can't trust anyone, everybody  prioritize their needs/wishes over others - it doesn't matter how much the other human being needs you. This movie is about poor kids growing up in poor environment - unreliable parents. And this kind of parenting continues from generation to generation....worst thing is you cannot pinpoint one person and say it is your fault, because it is society's fault, fate's fault, the selfish world's fault.

Next movie is from Israel - "Strangers". The main characters meet in Berlin, Germany and that made me to believe that it was a German movie and I thought it was a sign...

From Netflix:
At the 2006 World Cup in Germany, Palestinian Rana (Lubna Azabal) and Israeli Eyal (Liron Levo) meet on the Berlin underground and soon fall in love. Taking place over six intense days, this film follows their emotional journey to connect and find happiness together. When Rana is suddenly called back home to Paris, Eyal must quickly decide whether he should continue to pursue the fledgling romance.

I liked this movie a lot and whoever follows me, should know, WHY.
Even in this movie, the strangers can get together even though they are strangers unlike my story. Do you know what song I'm hearing right now that too over and over - There is always something there to remind me. This movie proved that if a guy is in love and that too with a stranger, he will still find a way to reach her, to convince her that what they have is something unique and pure, and will be ready to unconditionally sacrifice his life to be with her. One more thing, it emphasized is, when guys fall truly, they persuade, they won't give up. PERSUASION is the key. Well, look at my friend, steward, just gave up, did not bother. I sometimes wonder - what would have happened if I went to the galley. I would have known about him much more than what I know now, but then I would have not known, whether he would have persuaded the June 7th 2011 moments with me. Now, I know the truth.

And the next foreign move is from Denmark "After the wedding".
It was Denmark's entry for Best Foreign Language Film at the 2007 Academy Awards. It is about doing something "right" - not for you, but for someone you love truly. It shows an affectionate husband and a true father who loves his family more than anything in the world, who is ready to throw his money to keep his family safe after his untimely death. Well, how does he do that. That's the mystery.

Denmark is totally beautiful - surprised with greenery, sunshine and dark haired people. My eye fell on Christian Tafdrup. He reminded me - my steward - that dark hair, dark eyebrows, the face cut, cheeks..

So I checked Europe map to see where Denmark is. I was totally surprised when I found that it borders North Germany. I was it possible that he is Danish. But then I did research on German people and found out that South Germans usually have dark brown hair with dark eyebrows. The norther you travel, the blonder the hair becomes. 

Let us go to Canada..Oh sure! how? By watching "Take This Waltz". 

OMG! This movie will make you think, make you raise questions, will make you want to know the answers. This movie is a glimpse of things which I'm going through. It makes me go through the movie to analyze how life can shift if you take certain decisions, how it is will impact once you get what you want but then will you be satisfied and be happy for rest of your life or was it just a phase, on which you acted and screwed your life.

Moral of the film is the grass always looks greener on the other side, but is it worth leaving the comforting stability of the present in order to get there? Just how far is too far?

The movie pinpoints about the idea of trying to fulfill life’s indefinable and obscure gaps, questions morality and fidelity and shows how people can become confused and tempted by newness even when they seemingly already have everything they wanted.

In one of the scenes, they show contrast between young and old nude bodies discussing about how  “new things become old” — words that expertly resonate within Margot, the main character’s love triangle.

This quote is totally for me - “Life has a gap in it,” says main character's Sister-in-law-  “…it just does. You don’t go crazy trying to fill it like some lunatic.” 

Even though, the female character is a married woman, she gets involved with this handsome young guy, irresistibly attracted and on top of the that, fate makes them to re-enter in each other's life from time to time. This movie totally made me sad - to see her turmoil, indecisiveness, to be in a stage where she is married, but she is totally in love with this guy and he is like so into her - truly, madly and deeply. At one stage of the movie, they agree to meet each other after thirty years as by that time, she will be done with marriage. There was a time, when she had to make decision of choosing him or the Husband, she chooses Husband so the lover drops a card   which says Where and When, they will meet each other in future. My heart broke seeing their separation. That's the end of the movie, oh well, that's what I thought, but the director twisted, prolonged in such a manner which makes you ponder with question - is these all worth at the end - emotions/chase/betrayal/heart-breaks/emptiness/anxious moments? We may just age, time may just pass, new things get old,  at the end, we may need to live with emptiness.

What I'm going through related to steward is totally waste.....I know that, but can't change a thing. This movie is a reminder that nothing lasts forever, nothing shines forever, things change as time passes and become old and boring. You can't keep on chasing whatever comes on your way.

But then I see, these kind of tweets from TheLoveAid:

I want someone who understands me even when no words are spoken.
One day all of the pieces will come together. You will understand why you went through everything you did.
Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.
If you hold too tight to the past your arms won't be able to open to the future.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is walking away from someone who actually stood there and waited for you.
Letting go isn't giving up. It's accepting that some things aren't meant to be.
You can never make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.
You may can look in the mirror and see flaws, but there is someone who can look at you and only see beauty.
If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away, but if they don't want you, nothing will make them stay.
If someone wants to be a part of your life they will make an effort. You will never have to question it.
The best feelings are those that have no words to describe them.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Yes indeed, love is in the air

My normal search about flight attendants led me to this article "How to get a flight attendant’s contact information after the fact?"

Amazing thing about the author of this article is I started following him on twitter when I came to know that he is a frequent Lufthansa flier and that incident of me following him on twitter happened  prior to reading this article. I unknowingly followed a wrong twitter handle and tweeted to that account by asking whether he will be willing to help me to search my friend, the Lufthansa steward. Of course, I did not get any response. Later on, when I found the right twitter handle, I did not bother to ask as he may think that I'm crazy. But now, after seeing this article, I'm laughing out loud.

Read this blog post from him The power of a flight attendant to change your mood…. Well, when I read this post, all I see is a flight attendant doing her magical service to make the customer happy. When some of you who read my post, might have thought the same as readers cannot see the expressions, the moments, the interaction, so they miss out the valuable information the writer is trying to deliver. Anyway like me, he is desperate to reach her. Will he? Is it possible?

Well, the next post, of course the title takes away the suspense. It’s a small, small world…

God, how can such miracle happen for him but not for me and that too, they were able to get in touch within a month. This guy and the flight attendant, both  knew each other's first and last name, whereas in my case, no name, no picture.....all I have is my art. And this guy's blog is popular and mine - better say nothing. Oh well, if my guy comes across this blog, he surely will run away. Who will think about someone after more than an year...other than me? Some of this guy's followers commented about how to get in touch with her by sending flowers with contact information to the airline customer service and in that way, along with the bouquet she will get the contact information to
 be in touch. Maybe I should have done something of that sort.....
now, it is highly impossible....the bigger the time gap, the creepier the 
whole thing sounds.

Well, if something is true, it doesn't have time limit.

Something which he said, truly represents my state of mind:

Welcome to Motherhood

On Friday, my sister called up to inform that she is expecting a baby. As you know, my sister struggled with infertility for years. My Brother-in-law co-operated and never hesitated to go through the process of IVF method.

The long and enduring process of IVF. Can make you closer to your husband...while at the same time going through the emotional journey together and if everything goes well...voila, the appreciation of being there for each other through turbulent makes the bond much more stronger.
In the United States, the live birth rate for each IVF cycle started is approximately: 30 to 35% for women under age 35; 25% for women ages 35 to 37; 
The miracle of God and of course being in USA, helped her to fulfill her long desire. Numerous times, I heard her cry inconsolably over the phone about this topic or whenever she was unsuccessful about her attempts to become pregnant. I even offered her to lend my eggs. I insisted her to think about abortion. Once an infant child is placed in your hands, you automatically genuinely show love and treat the baby as your own. Yes, the baby will not look like you or like your husband but at least you'll experience the parenthood. She agreed and even read few articles about the adoption process but came to conclusion that the process is long and difficult. 

It may sound funny, but I believe in rebirth. Light-heartedly, once I told my sister that the baby is still in previous birth so just be patient until his/her past life gets over. I guess, once the soul left the old life, entered a new life in my sister's womb. There is this one popular song in one of the languages of India which says - who are you, who are you, who came into this mother's laps.

For some reason, recent events have made me firmly believe that God gives us pain - only if he thinks we can bear the pain. In one of our phone conversations, I told my sister that God has plan and whatever we have and what we don't have is even though we often feel that we deserve but God knows better than that. So now, I may sound nonsensical but there might be some reason for the delay of your pregnancy....just patient. That day's conversation consoled her for awhile. If I think about "the wants" and "desires", how much ever we crib about it, it will happen only if it has to happen.

Anyway I am so happy for her. Now she gets a chance to raise someone with unconditional love. Anybody cares for you or not, but the affection showered by a child is pure. Their talks and actions are cute and genuine. The thrill of raising someone, taking responsibility of a human being is beautiful and scary. Let me tell me my personal experience of motherhood, this was when my daughter was a month old baby. She had to take this monthly shot and when the administered the shot, my daughter started crying, and at that moment, I literally felt the milk flowing inside my breasts. I guess the pain and cry of hers, gave a signal to my breast I guess. I'll never forget that experience. That's when I understood, how deeply I'm involved with my baby. I don't think so the breast incident would have happened if the other baby from the other room cried with pain. That's the magic of motherhood.

I told her to take picture of her body every month. It is really amazing how you transform. If I think about it, I question myself about how did I manage, how I did not feel shy, walking  and looking huge. But during that time, all you feel is special especially when you start feeling the movements of the baby, a little poke here and there. Fun fun time, of course if you don't feel nausea which I did not experience. I had a smooth pregnancy. I even used to do pregnancy exercises all throughout the pregnancy, heard classic music, ate healthy food but I did not had any special cravings which everybody talks about. First time pregnancy are always the best, to walk into an unknown world, experiencing from monthly doc meet-ups to sonograms to the world making you feel special and asking about your well-being to to my shopping for the baby and baby's room to the movements of this unknown person inside your body and then think about the delivery date. Will everything happen smooth? Are you ready for the unbearable pain which you heard it on TV shows? Will you get on time the anesthesia ? How will the baby look? How will I feel once I see him/her? 

Even though, I experienced and delivered twice, I can't say anything about the pain. Mine was as smooth as a beautiful fairy tale. I cherished every moment of it. I don't know how time went by, but I truly devoted myself every day for first five years of my kids until they started their school years.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Where was I?

Where was I from October? Well, I did something very unusual. I guess, no person with a right frame of mind would do, but I did it.

Why did I do? Well, for self-satisfaction, for answers, for love, most important of all, for memory sake. To seal off that special person forever in my life.

One day, when I went to a neighboring art shop along with my friend, my eyes fell on this art, that's when a brilliant idea popped in,....I thought to do oil painting of myself with Lufthansa steward....but then I noticed, the guy's face is not showing up in this art

So I searched and searched....

searched some more, to find the right art which depicts the happiness in both of us in finding each other, enjoying the moment being with each other. Being a married person, I wanted something which is not sexual as the guy whom I about to oil paint is not my husband but a guy whom I love the dearest, especially the moment with him which I cherish and miss a lot.

My search led me to the below picture. Yes, I like the happiness in the guy's face. That's the smile I wanted in my art and I even like the girl. I can transform myself with that hairstyle....but the problem is her skin is showing off too much....that means I will be dancing with someone who is not my husband and that too in skimpy clothes which looked like a bad and uncomfortable idea.

This is knife style painting not usual brush. Even though, it looks pretty and messy at the same time, but very hard to paint and achieve the end results, especially blending with the nearest color. Finding every time the nearest complimentary color out of your palette is tough. You will find yourself with some unexpected dull undesirable color after experimentation.

This would have been my take on us if I tried to pursue their dancing move.
I searched and searched and finally reached something which is decent. All I need to do is change the dancers to you-know-who and make them smile as that's what I wanted is see him - smiling. Should he smile at me in the art or watch me directly and smile, like the way he did on that day?

I went ahead and painted like the way he looked at me with a smile as if I'm familiar to him. Face is not just eyes, nose and a mouth but features, bone structure, facial structure, but it is much more than that, the expression. Well, how did I reach to that point where I was totally satisfied with the visage, which totally depicts my friend. Well, thanks to a special artist who posted her boyfriend's sketch which reminded me of my guy.

With that sketch, I drew the below one:

Now, my problem is he is not smiling. He looks totally sad. Yes, I understand - losing me and not able to find me, has taken toll on him, but in my painting, he need to look like that day - happy, totally happy.

I was not happy with his sad face, so I started to do research on male models but apparently no male model believes in smiling to the camera. But one day, when I was watching Piers Morgan, I saw a guy whose smile,  I kinda liked it. I don't know his name or what he does, but something related to "peace".

smiley guy

Just like that, I changed his face using photoshop to see whether  the smile matches to his face.
but when I started oil painting, I drew so many faces and was not satisfied at all.....I was not able to reach his face.

Then suddenly, I thought about Javier Fernandez. I cursed myself about forgetting him. And I thought, he is the one will lead me to him. But the problem was there was no clarity in any of his pictures. One thing, I know that Javier's nose is not same as my guy...not even eyebrows or slight rough look in Javier, but yes to the big eyes and the cheek bones.

But then, one day while watching George Stephanopoulos's The Week, I came across Republican candidate Josh Handel.

From certain angle, Josh Handel looks like him, especially in the above picture. That's the smile, I was looking for. The bone structure from below the eyes, but not Josh's nose or the eyes which are slightly shallow compare to my guy and of course, not even his hair style. But the smile....I was awestruck. But as usual couldn't get better picture to do oil painting.

But finally, with all kinds of input, from different men, different pictures, I present you - Lufthansa Flight Attendant dancing away with one and only me.

I dedicate this portrait to him, to that day, to our moment. That day, that's how I looked at him, with amazement of what's happening - why person like him, showing interest in me. I always come up with one question - What did he see in me? Wish I could see in myself of what he saw in me on that day. Well, this portrait kind of answers about our beautiful moment. Maybe together we would have been something, which he was able to see, which I couldn't envision.
When I bought the canvas 48 * 48 from Michaels, I was as happy as the day I met him.....a kind of 100% as if I'm finally going to meet him....after long long time but mind you - this was only through canvas.....but my stupid brain, increased the endorphin, thereby I was totally happy until I faced problems with painting, facial structure. But at the end, whenever I look at him, whenever he looks at me, my decision to draw him, makes sense,  even though, I did not draw my dancing pose with my husband. Even though, I should run away from his thoughts, but I got attached to him....I guess, I can truly say, I love him or maybe the thought of him.

I do pray a lot to forget about him as it is not healthy for me to think about him after so many months. Sometimes I curse myself, sometimes I kinda hate him but then sometimes I find myself thanking him for coming into my life, for making me feel special, for giving me a chance to go through that beautiful love-at-first-sight moment. Until I don't expect anything from him and just be happy of what happened between us, that should help me move on with my life.....Some days, I find myself crying a lot, thinking about him, thinking about the opportunity but at the same time, negative thoughts or reality kicks in, saying that who knows who he is, who knows whether how long his interest would have lasted - older, married, kids, unemployed and unambitious person. How he ambitiously planned his life - "like traveling" I guess, knew how to achieve it - went through the Flight Attendant process and got into the number second European airline. I used to travel before but after kids, my traveling - going to different places nose dived but now, after meeting him, after understanding his way of life makes me cry a lot - that I did not plan my life. I ruined the whole thing for me. I also wanted to become a  Flight Attendant when I was twelve or thirteen but somehow no one around me thought I was right fit. They thought that you have to be 5'4" or higher to be a flight attendant. So I stopped thinking about it. I can't have any other life than what I have you, Mr. Flight Attendant shush away from my life. Don't make me cry anymore.

But then I come across this kind of ad:

Here is the link, in case the video does not show up:

How cute the ad is. "Go get her"...REALLY?!?!
I guess, nobody said to the flight attendant  - "Go get her" when he was wallowing about missing me....

One week ago, I came across this movie:
Here is the link, in case the video does not show up:

Married, older, unemployed woman with two kids meets a younger guy......SOUNDS FAMILIAR?!?!

In between, I came across this book: Charles Duhigg's  The Power of Habit
In my current status, I had to know the answers of why I keep on think about him and making myself morose. What kind of reward, I am getting. Why do you I encourage such thoughts of going to Frankfurt and using my oil painting portrait, ask shopkeepers at the airport of whether they came across the person who looks like in this portrait? Why I encourage such thoughts of sharing this portrait with other Lufthansa flight attendants on my future journey? Why do I encourage myself that he too is still in love with me? Why do I keep on thinking about that day's moments? Why do I keep on seeing his face/his smile/his gestures? Why the past won't go away?

Do I want to change this habit? YES! I want to forget him. I requested God - Either make me meet him again or allow me to forget.

The Cue: When do I feel the urge of thinking about him? When I think about "love" or movie about "love" or flight attendants or planes or travel.

The Reward: Recollecting the incident on that day which gives me false hope of:  I also have someone who loves me. I also have a beautiful love story. I also have someone who finds me interesting. 

Analyzed: When craving do you think your habit is satisfying? Sometimes "yes"...sometimes, it fills me up with positive feelings but quickly vanishes away into sadness....deep, deep depression. My theory is that I need human interaction, a job not to just to work and earn but meet new people, come across new problems, new happy more mature and responsible.

The Routine: Now that I've identified the cue and the reward....insert a new routine?!?! FINDING A JOB - which is not easy as everybody wants a qualified, experienced person. 

A new year, a new it there???

I end this post with this lovely song by Kelly Clarkson: 

There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?