Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Journey of my Unconscious Brain

Last night, I had a dream - a true depiction of state of my mind. Before we get inside my brain, I need to state few things for you to understand my brain status. Nowadays, I am following a US born German guy on twitter who is a 22-year old graduate student, used to live in Tampa. Why he caught my attention is because he travels a lot - not on business or vacation but by accumulating miles and blogs away his thoughts on airline and hotel industry and that's how he earns money and travels freely. Being a German, he prefers Lufthansa and being a frequent first class traveler, he has a close connection to the person who tweets on behalf of  Lufthansa on Twitter.

Before I went to bed, I read his recent blog of how he recently learned to do his own laundry after moving away from his parents and how his mom taught him to do shopping at different apparel stores than just being sticking to Old Navy if he ever want to date an American Airways twitter girl.

I started following one more guy who writes lot of articles on Lufthansa. Recently, he wrote about his plans to travel to Frankfurt to attend a meeting. A thought surfaced in my mind about requesting him to find my steward by attaching a recent sketch which I did based on my recollection of his face. But then thought not to pursue with that idea as you know I'm not 100% sure of positive feedback from Steward. But when I went to bed, I had a flashback of that one particular moment where Steward instead of just serving, offers a suggestion of using salt and pepper with tomato juice when that drink was not even for me and when I mentioned to him that it is not for me, he said - I'm just letting you know. If he did not have any intentions over me, why will anybody bother to suggest or try to have a casual talk.

Anyway with all these thoughts in my head and after swallowing a IBuprofen pill due to severe headache and with an empty stomach, I slept.

That's when out of blue, I dreamed about going on a vacation to India via Frankfurt, flying Lufthansa but instead of going to India and having a good time, I dream about facing a murder, criminal case, accusations and excuses for bad behavior.

According to my dream, I was in Frankfurt to meet this twitter 22-year-old guy in the pretext of him helping us out with miles.
But when I go along with my husband to meet this guy, I see him lying on the table, almost in a dying condition. He was struggling to breath but I did not do anything to help him out but instead stood there like a terrified person and allowed him to die.

I panic and ask my husband - is there any way we can skip the cops' interrogation but he says, "what is there to run away? We will just tell them about what happened when we came inside to meet him and the reason for coming."

Within myself I fear that this guy's parents won't let it go as they will try to find what caused his untimely death.

As expected case starts. Someone who is in the same building at that day when the death happens informs the authority about how I came to be in touch with him. They'll show my email correspondence with him on the big screen, displaying my emails about how I'm in search for a Lufthansa steward, what happened during the flight and how I plead him to help with the search. To my horror, all these is happening right in front of my husband. During the case, I'll come to know about how this guy's  history - facing mental problems during his teens and how he was on medication. Final conclusion was over medication has caused his untimely death. I'll be vindicated!! I'm all over the news just like Sandy Crocker was, but he was only for his search for an Irish girl but here I was for a criminal case. Will Steward find about me in one of Frankfurt's newspaper while commuting?? Will he? WILL HE? Will he wonder about his Unharmful/playful correspondence led her to such a misery? Will he put himself out in public by coming out? Will he? WILL HE? Was there any truth in his attention on her on that day? Was his intentions were true and strong? Did he even for one day thought about her??

In between, I ask myself- why I did not help that poor guy while he was struggling to breath? Why I did not call 911? Why you don't take quick decisions? Why? WHY?

While going through all these questions during my dream, I hear my husband's voice. In my dream, all I saw was my wide eyes...totally sad and ashamed looking at my husband while he was yelling at me for my transgressions. Right at the end, when he was about to stop, I say - what's wrong if I wanted someone's true love? What's wrong in chasing someone whom I thought was genuine and for once-in-my-life, thought I was important? What's wrong if I expect someone's loyalty like the way you show it on your PARENTS?

Well, that's it! I came out of my dream. Still feeling strong emotions over that last sentence. Really making me sad!

During the day, I even searched for anything new on Sandy Crocker. This is what I came to know from National Post:

Reporter: Of course, there is the possibility that she does know you’re in Ireland, but is avoiding contact.

Sandy: That’s definitely a possibility. But really, regardless of the outcome, we all have things in life where we wish we had paid somebody a compliment or chased a thought, and we complain the rest of our lives about not doing it. This is just me putting it out there and if it falls on deaf ears, fine. If she hears it and doesn’t want to contact me, I’m not upset at all – I’ve fulfilled my obligation to myself.

Rporter: You met only for two minutes, and didn’t discuss much more than the weather. How do you know there were any sparks on her end – or even that she remembers the encounter?

Sandy: Everything you’ve said, I’ve already thought about. I know that she might not even remember the day – it was a long time ago, for sure. But, maybe she meets me and likes me, or maybe she doesn’t. I don’t really worry about that too much. Lots of people have written me and said that everyone would love to have a stranger come up to them and say, “hey, I’ve worked hard to meet you again because I think you’re great. How’s life been? Who are you? What are you doing?” That’s a flattering thing – and there’s nothing wrong with that in today’s world.

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For some reason, steward never comes in my dreams. My question is do I really like him or is it due to my problems in marital status? Whatever it is other day when I was in some Hindu ceremony and when priest asked everyone to request God for a wish to get full-filled - I requested God to make steward to find me. Later, priest said "Aapki mano kamana puri ho jaya". That means let your wishes come true. Later, I felt bad about wishing for that instead of wishing something for kids or about marriage or career. But then when I started missing him, I felt that was the right thing to do. Yes, I want to see him again. Nobody has no idea about how emotionally I'm involved with him. Well, my sketch of him after 400+ days is the proof. His face and the moments are so crystal clear like as if everything happened few days ago.  And I ask myself WHY? I don't know how anybody feels about someone trying hard to find them but oh Lord, I will be the happiest person in the whole wild world if I ever come to know that he is in search for me. Just like that my pain will vanish and I'll be happiest ever!!

If I was that Irish girl, I will not hide or come out in public but somehow secretly will let him know about my interests. Never will make him wait. That's really cruel thing to do. BBC, Time, ABC, local news channels covered his story. I wonder how she missed to hear this news til now. Well, as usual God only knows - the mystery.

At the beginning of this waiting period, I used to see his smiley face but as each uneventful day passing, all I see is the above sad longing face. I'm really praying that I should forget about steward. But till now that's not answered. I feel bad for wishing such a thing but there is no way to go. Wish at least I had that mental stability of just being happy for meeting him instead of dwelling of not able to meet him in the future.

God comes in dreams