Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Why my kids won't go to Harvard?

As parents, you can dream about having a great life for kids like going to Harvard or being an Olympic champion or president of US or scientist or NASA engineer or a good/bright/useful citizen. But for this to accomplish, a kid need to be raised in a good environment with superb parents in every way where a kid can look no further than his/her own parent for a role model.

I cannot provide such an environment because me and my husband have different priorities in our lives. My husband's priority is just to please his parents irrespective of his own family welfare. And mine is too contradict, oppose every meaningless wish of his parents who are filled with false pride and bad ego. I wholeheartedly DESPISE them. They are the worst ever. They use goodness/madness of his son for their own false pride. And he has no problem to surrender to his parents venom or  humiliate his wife or even ready for domestic violence or even misuse his fatherhood by being mean to his own kids , just to please his parents, for just to make them happy and be in good terms with them.

His mom from the time she came to visit US, slowly and mind you "lovingly with sweetness and caring words", started poisoning him by talking about "when will you polish the fridge? or "Give the polish so that I can shine and give the needed glow to make the stove look like as if it is new" or "Give me the commode cleaner" or by saying  "Beautiful house need to maintained by taking care and cleaning everyday" or "Ahh..something pricked my foot" or "Give the duster to kids on weekends and make them clean, teach them how to keep their toys in its place and take care of the toys in such a way that even after years still can be played by the future generation" or "Why are pots and pans so dirty?" or "Oh why is this pan like this?" or "The other day, I saw a cooker in Indian grocery store, so you can buy one and don't have to wait for India trip to buy new one." or "I prefer daily cooking, meals should be served, right from the stove, the taste of it is so fulfilling and delicious instead of one day old food" or "Oooh check my Indian donut(Idli), it is so soft and round, come and taste it, just melts in your mouth" or "I don't use ready-made cooking powders(masalas) while I cook" or you should take care of our health by eating vegetables for every serve".......on and on like as if we were dying with untidiness and unhealthy food and indiscipline/lazy kids. And so looking forward for her free unwanted guidance that she popped here to preach her ever conscious son.

What do usually sons say? Don't worry mom, everything is taken care of, you don't have to worry. But nah, he listens and listens like Buddha and develops animosity towards me like nothing good is happening, nothing is perfect in his life.

The other day, when the devil(Husband's mom) called my daughter, she did not go but responded by saying "what" as she was busy with her science homework. Later when my husband came, the devil started showing attitude and started complaining and preaching about how to raise kids. Some other day, when we returned from cycling, my daughter missed some part of Olympics and was eager to catch-up with the events but my FIL asked, "how was cycling ?" but she did not respond as she stormed into the room, running and yelling about what happened in her absence. The person who asked the question did not get upset but the devil's false pride got hurt and started again lecturing about respect to elders and talked about how teaching piano is not as important as teaching manners. Mr.Hubby couldn't say to the devil, "Hey mom, she is just curious about the Olympic games and did not hear dad's soft voice so excuse her." Do you think he will say that? Not a chance. Switched off the TV and told my daughter to first answer the question and when she asked. Made her wait some more time til she asked in a proper way. All these kind of activities he can do with her because she is young and she is his daughter so he can easily misuse the power of a father.

My question to my husband is if you were so adamant about discipline and respect, why don't you teach everyday irrespective of your parents existence instead of taking my name as I'm the one without a choice been designated as a bad cop.

On Saturday, I made breakfast for everybody. He was okay - ate well and was relaxing on the sofa. Suddenly due to guiltiness after devil's Friday night secret venomous preaching about cleanliness or whatever, started mopping the house and then yelled at my son to clean the dust and polish the formal dining. I interfered by saying, "he won't do now, he already took shower. And tomorrow before shower, he will do the cleaning work." That's it, he lifted hand on me and threatened my son to hit with a broom if he won't right now clean up. My son was like "mommy, mommy, help me, help me" and here he was with total anger trying to harm me. I yelled at kids to call cops if he ever lifts hand on me. His anger subsided. I locked myself in the master bedroom, I cried and cried.

Questioned myself many times of why I should be in this marriage. First of all, I'm not happy to live with him and on top of that, insulting me and my kids for some silly thing to just to make the devil happy. As a couple, we really don't have any issues other than his parents and his unconditional love to his devilish parents. We both watch movies/TV shows/sports together, we discuss on various topics, once in a while, we dine in fabulous restaurants, travel to places, take care of kids well, give priority to kids needs. Even though, from the beginning of marriage, the devil issue created rifts between him and my parents and siblings, I kept those issues aside and was leading my marriage life even though the "true love" which I envisioned from the youth age was in peril/nonexistent.

I don't want to live single life. I'm scared to live that life as I don't know many things from health insurance to car maintenance to many many things. Even if I find a job, taking care of kids single-handedly without anybody's help is unthinkable for me. And then leading life, day after day without a partner is unimaginable. I wish Steward comes into my life....fulfills every inner desire and peels away every pain of my wounded soul, but each passing day, echos his existence as a myth. 

What do you see, when you look at this guy?
All you can see is his total involvement with this child
like taking great pleasure in communicating with her and
showing off  by talking about whatever amazing thing is there inside that
envelope. This guy totally looks like my steward, but this photo
might have been taken in 2010 but when I met steward, he did
not have curly hair or spectacles,
but this guy has same smile, same caring, bright eyes.
I really really want steward to look at me and make
me feel, once again that I'm precious!!!
I want to be happy and feel alive!!
This is the same gaze which I talked so much in my previous posts.
 After seeing this picture, I'm confused!!
Are they trained to present themselves like that
or my steward was special and his feelings for me was real, at least for that day??
I want to be that girl in the above picture.
Thoughts swirled in my head about my cousin's suicide. If you remember, in that post, I mentioned about if at all anybody thinking about suicide should ask his/her surrounding people of what they think about him/her before going forward with the attempt. But now, when suicide thoughts surfaced in my head, I thought why do I care about what others think good about me as it won't solve my issues, won't change my scenario. So what's the use? Well, don't worry, I won't attempt such a thing as you need to be courageous to pull such an act even though people say, it is a cowards act and of course, I have kids and their responsibility. I can't jeopardize their life in the name of being selfish and the devil's existence.

After all this drama of locking up myself, my kids knocked and knocked and even tried to open with a hair pin to unlock the door. My son got the idea of hairpin after reading the book "The invention of Hugo Cabret" . With the help of my husband, they opened the door. Right away, my kids insisted us to eat. Later, I came to know that they were worried that if we won't eat for longer time, we may die. This knowledge my son got after reading somewhere about an Indian dying after fasting for 135 days.

Later, my husband spent whole time with me saying "sorry, won't happen again." My son asked him, "you preach us about not lifting hand on adults, so how come you did it." He said, "it just happened. I was not thinking." My son said, "How can you not think of what you're doing?"

The whole time, I did not even wanted to see his face but he did not move even though I insisted him to go away. It was just shameful. Thoughts wandered in my head of why I hesitate in making decisions like why I did not leave him when he hit me on my birthday for tearing up his parents birthday card for me and during that time, I was not even a parent or why I did not start working from the get-go to achieve financial independence or why I did not go and meet steward? Until compelled, I won't make decisions. Somewhere I read once - we think  "fear" is the one, makes us to stop attempting new things, forces us to be in the present state, won't let us move forward, but actually it is "comfort". The work I have at home of taking care of kids, their studies, their extra curricular activities and with that if I go for work - cooking, kids, grocery shopping, work related studies, will put me under lot of stress and why do I've to work so hard. Even if I have financial independence, I don't have luxury to invite my parents to USA as there is no guarantee of my husband treating them with respect.

Back to that day's details: My husband pleaded countless times to forgive him but the problem is this is nothing new. The problems created by the devil won't go away and he has no mouth to stop her unnecessary advises.

I told him that I analyzed the whole situation and I don't expect you to believe but here is the thing like how BBC comedian Paul Merton has problems with heights and how the psychiatrist tried to hypnotize to trace back his childhood to trace the fear, he too need to go to a psychiatrist to analyze of why he can't say "no" to his parents, what makes him quiver? I told him of how he misbehaves badly with whoever is in his mom's hate list. I told him to not go my talk but check on his history about on whomever she cried and complained, you took care of the situation and made them pay and cry with your unimaginable shameless acts and in return made your mom happy and satisfied even though you got a bad name. I told him that I used to think of his misbehavior with me/my parents/my siblings, is due to "we"all, being outsiders(no blood relationship) but when he tried to make his daughter cry unnecessarily by pulling off remote or preaching/punishing her for operating the remote, just to satisfy his mother based on her instructions, has proved that it is not just "me being an outsider" but anybody in your mom's hate list.

The beauty of my husband is he listens and listens without raising any objection and the communicator falls time and time thinking that he is listening... he is following but nah, total time waste. I told him that at least he should try to cut her off(not to indulge), if not disobey, whenever she complains about trivial things, just to create animosity to rip the family apart and to make herself  happy for inflicting pain into others.

He said, "I really need you in my life. I am sorry for what I did. Yes, I should try to cut the topic off whenever such discussion happens"

Do you think, I'll believe in his talk and fall for it? Nah, dogs' tail never becomes straight, for how many ever times you try, it rolls back to its original way. It is same with him too.

When he went to drop off his parents in his sister's place, I asked him what did they say and he says "nothing". Then, I said, how is it possible for someone, not to say anything when they heard arguments coming from the next door. Then he said, "they just said - try to be happy". And he started saying, " that they never interfered in our business and never will interfere in future."

Isn't that wonderful to hear -" that they never interfered in our business and never will interfere in future . ". Really??? Why did he lose temper? By listening to whom? Was that not interference?

I say "GOD, PLEASE SAVE ME AND MY KIDS", cause I can't cure my husband.

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