Thursday, July 12, 2012

All you had to do was ask...

This post is dedicated to the man who was genuinely a very nice guy, made everybody happy....always will be remembered as a person with a smile.

He came short in achieving his dreams, fell short in fulfilling his close knit's desires and eventually took away his own life by doing the ultimate thing - SUICIDE.

I don't have full details of what made him to take this final unfathomable steps of taking life on his own that too scary way of hanging oneself but I miss him so much. He always treated me with a warm smile, affectionate talk and welcoming attitude. Even though his mom and sister used to be arrogant about their high status but my favorite cousin never ever treated anyone bad. Never once I saw him being angry or treating others badly. Always carefree attitude, jovial nature but now, he proved that all was an act. He deeply cared about people's comment and attitude of others towards him. He concealed worries, his short comings, his insecurities by keeping distance from others. by not attending any family gettogethers - by running away to play caroms.

The death showed up the faults in the Indian community of how we try to keep everything secretive until something major happens like getting stuck by an asteroid and spreads the news and the magnitude of cover up. His major fault was he got addicted to playing harmless game called Caroms. The addiction was so bad that it has probably might have made him to get fired from his job, his negligence to his family(wife and two kids), wrath/curses from his dad and label of "Addicted to Caroms".

Here in USA, every minute behavior is magnified and analyzed til someone finds the solution for the problem or the reasons for certain behavior. But back in India, no one thought to take him to a Psychiatrist for his impulsive behavior towards a harmless sport called "Caroms" or what caused him to attempt three or four times suicide attempts prior to this one. Family members were able to save and protect him in his past suicide attempts but why couldn't they take him to a doctor or sent him to far off country for a change from joint family pressure.

Even though, they are from rich family, from time to time, his dad because of his loan business and hereditary wise gained properties, he was able to help his son whenever his son borrowed money from others or mortgaged his bike. But time to time, he used to curse him for his irresponsible attitude. I heard about alcohol or poker problems which destroyed families but never heard Caroms can lead to such a disaster.

I don't know whether there is much more than what I heard. I understand if he felt he is worthless or no use for others. Sometimes the pressures of family, hopes and desires of others, the short comings can knock you off and may give such thoughts. That's when a person need to talk with people who like you for who you are or for who you were. They may hold answers or open doors which might have got closed due to circumstances.

Wish he asked for just to have a talk, just a conversation, just walked past through memory lane and approached the people who once belonged to his happy times instead of keeping everything in family inner circles. Yes, everybody is busy with their own families, own problems but who knows, you may give break to yourself or may give break to them and channel everybody into good old times and thereby you would have found the purpose of living.

I met him last year after thirteen or fourteen years of no see as I was in USA. I thank God for giving me an opportunity to spend sometime with him and that's what made me to make a video of him as I recorded and took lot of family pictures. Last year, when I went to meet his mom as she was sick and I wanted to see her before anything happens to her and that's how I had my last meal with him - the way he cared and talked with me was just like when I was young. I talked about his singing skills, his favorite music, the train rides, the summer vacation to Grandma's house....the good old times. Even discussed about all-cousins reunion.

The worst thing about his death is the incident happened when her mom was in the same house, under the same roof. Due to some kind of medical problem, her brain doesn't function properly. Sometimes she recognizes her own people, sometimes she won't. Sometimes she repeats the same talk over and over again. She was a school teacher with strong personality - had immense love and caring for her family. She and her husband(mother's brother) have genuine love and understanding between each other. My cousin did not get support or guidance from his mom when he needed the most. She would have never allowed this situation to occur. It is a tragedy. I feel sorry for his kids who are 7 and 16. I feel sorry that he couldn't find happiness in his kids when the younger one looks exactly like him. I feel sorry for his wife to face such a pathetic situation. I feel sorry for her for not able to find a solution to his misery. 

Sometimes I feel, we should just let people do whatever they want rather than face this situation of never able to see them, ever again. I feel if anybody ever do suicide, they should write letter to those who is important in his/her life and tell to everyone about his/her thought process and even preach to people who need to get corrected as this is the only chance ever to talk to his world. The decision of suicide is such a big thing as no way you can ever come back.

Wish I took chance to speak with him about how he is used to come in my dreams even when I never used to think about him. Always pleasant dream but something involved around him. From couple of years, the dreams stopped and I don't know the reason. Wish he asked everybody's opinion about what they think about him and should have based his decision - to go for suicide or not to. Because I bet - there are more people who believes that he is one of a kind - a truly lovable person.

You'll be remembered for your radiant smile, singing voice, carefree attitude,  good nature, warm welcome, an affectionate talk...and much much more

Wish you could have given us a chance to express or asked us about how special you were!

All you had to do was ask...

Rest in Peace!!!
You'll be missed....

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