Saturday, June 16, 2012

Should I be sorry for looking young?

Oh, come on! Is that such a thing especially in this modern era when everybody wants to look young forever?

I feel J, Steward and me are the victims of "me" looking young. Yesterday, when my family and I went for a walk, a  woman from Ethiopia asked me, "are they your kids?" I said, "Yes". She started saying, "OMG! really? you don't look like you are a mother of two." The other woman joined her and said "You look more like 25 or so or maybe sweet 16 or forever 21." Then the woman from Ethiopia said, "If you say, you're 18, I can easily believe you without a doubt. It is not just your physique but the innocence in your face..." "Well, thank you", I said and responded to her follow up question of what I do to look young. "Basically NOTHING - other than not-drinking-sodas/abandoning-fried-foods", I said.

But this discussion made me to think about Steward. I questioned myself many many times in the past about what did Steward think about my age? Why I was with two kids on the plane? Like the Ethiopian woman, he too would have never thought of about me being older or married or having kids. Not only my looks, even my mannerisms and my way of thinking too doesn't represent my age. Well, people like or dislike, this is how I am. My maturity and thinking fluctuates and I myself find it hard to comprehend.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” by Dr. Seuss

Yanni with Linda Evans
Until I met J, I never knew that someone young in early 20's can get attracted to me and suddenly "age" will be a barrier in forming any kind of relationship. Yes, movies show a young guy falling for an older woman but knowingly fall regardless of the age difference but in my case, they fall unknowingly and that is tragic. And that kind of story, no one has ever covered, not in a novel or in a movie. And that puts me under pressure and leave with intricacies of explanation of why I can't prolong the interaction.

 I guess, God indirectly blessed me with young looks to go through the phase of "falling in love", attraction, memorable glances, to show the best of what world has to offer and to feel the excruciating pain of separation after meeting a guy who has an incredible potential of offering me the "love life" which I always envisioned. God indirectly saying to me - its all there, only to feel, but not to touch it like many immeasurable beautiful places on the Earth - you can paint, take infinite pictures, record it on your camcorder but you can never capture the feeling a place can produce in you.

I want to write something so strong that in the future if I read about my episode with Steward, it should not be just mere words or look like a foolish episode but clearly portrays the joy Steward bestowed on me. The positive feeling with which sometimes I feel like I can beat anything in this world.

My life is filled with people ignoring me, pass me like I'm invisible, all my dreams - always  gets crushed, my small frame doesn't make anybody take me serious for anything. Maybe it was just another flirting episode for Steward or maybe people/myself declare me as a loser for wallowing on a year ago episode with steward but for me it was everything. Sorry folks, if you can't feel the pure joy I have received from steward's episode but I'm truly happy that I get to experience and I really thank Steward for coming into my life. I still feel the sense-of-belonging. Something and someone has made me feel ecstatic and that COUNTS!
Whenever I hear beautiful music - thoughts related to him, come rushing in...engulfs me with immense joy
Recently, I asked a guy friend to know male's perspective - Could you please answer me from a male's perspective and being an industry expert - is it sensible to think that he still remembers me when I'm just a very ordinary person? Is it really possible for a guy to fall for someone other than just flirting / thinking of having fun time with a stranger?  Frankly, if he misses me, he would have done something to show up in google search or created his social profile.

He replied by saying: To answer your question from a guy's perspective, initial contact for most guys would involve thoughts about flirting and having fun. You guys didn't have an opportunity to develop a bond and take things beyond the flirtation level (at least from a guy's perspective).

The other day, when I was discussing about this positive feeling to my sister, she cut me off by saying, "Oh, I heard your stories about J and your feelings towards him at that time. This too will perish, once time passes." That hurt me so much. Maybe true, but I don't want it to happen. I want to hold a place for him in my heart forever with the title which says "best feeling ever". I swear till now in my life, no person saw me from the get-go with such brightness and enthusiasm like the way steward showed. He gained my attention through open body language, eye contact and beaming smile - just like the way the author Nicholas Boothman mentioned in "How to make people like you in 90 seconds or less. After listening to the audio version, I was like - did the steward read the book? Well of course, he got trained to be extra nice with passengers.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

But one thing for sure, that day, if I went to the galley based on his indication, the whole thing would have fallen apart. Definitely, a person will lose interest once they know OLDER, MARRIED, KIDS....all the attractiveness, the so called "appeal" goes backwards. Its almost like tasting a bad terrible food without realizing that it is old. I don't have any identity or accomplishments to introduce myself or to make him feel - worth of pursuing me. But at least, I would have known something more than what I know about him now i.e., nothing other than him working for Lufthansa.

I hate when guys give up instead of pursuing. I hate when guys think that there are many fish in the ocean. If not her, there will be many more to come.  That's what twitter steward mentioned in one of his blogs about pursuing a passenger. Those guys can runaway from temporary headaches but in woman's point of view - they are really not worth to pursue.

That's how J's thoughts were until I found him after my intense and desperate search. But I did not find any joy in finding him but came to reality that no one believes in pursuing someone. That someone who once-upon-a-time you thought as special. If not for the sake of love but pursue him/her - at least to have the presence of that person in your life.

One-night stand
And one more issue, I have with this world which thinks that every man or woman pursue the opposite sex only for SEX. When I pursued J, it was not SEX, it was for the feeling that he understood me, he liked me and he thought that I'm somewhat special to him. Holy crap, one day, he even invited me for one-night stand over twitter. DISGUSTING!! Well, I just thought to myself - God, he really doesn't understand me.

Maintaining a relationship based on once-upon-a-time special feelings is tough as it is based on past. Everybody can't keep up with the expectations - the ones, they delivered and everybody has there own life which will get filled with new experiences.

My heart totally desires that Steward still remembers me and one day, when he meets me, all our feelings should pour out in a symbiotic way and we both should be nondetachable. TWO HALVES OF ONE HEART.

My dream is to have a unique bond which cannot be assigned with a name, which cannot be restricted by time or ego but sustains until our last breath.  I feel the potential and that kind of deep understanding with him. Well, at least that's how I envision.

But I'm totally fine with me and Steward going separate ways. I don't want to disappoint him. I've nothing good to offer him. By now, he might have connected with someone special. He will always be in my heart forever.

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.” - Javan (Iranian born American Inventor)

I wonder how my famous blog post "Miss You, Pal" which was written thinking about J in May'11 has been overtaken by "Ich Vermisse Dich" within a year. Yes, steward not only gave an immense joy by coming into my life but took away the pain infested by J. Whenever I think about J - the way he played with my emotions, steward blocks j's thoughts from my brain and bifurcates my thoughts to the moments I had with him - the promise, the belief, the bright future. togetherness and sense of belonging. Any disturbing thought always gets replaced with his smiley, promising face. 

But once for all, I want to shut my dreams/hope/desires by being real. Let me tell you, how and when I died for Steward:

On June 8th(remember 10 hour trip, so day changed), when I did not oblige for a small talk in the galley, steward's hopes dashed and he felt disappointment that he couldn't take this serendipitous meeting to friendship and beyond. Due to Jumpseat syndrome(It’s like being a bartender or a hairdresser, the way people confess things to you. I’ll fly with other crewmembers and we’ll go right into personal stories. You get close really quickly and then you may never work with them again. It’s like having all these one-night stands; you get really intimate and then it’s done. It also sometimes happens when we start talking to passengers in the galley. - Heather Poole), once he reached the hotel, he crashed onto the bed - feeling exhausted mentally and physically and questioned himself of why I did not acknowledge. 

A new love journey begins!!
After ten to twelve hour sleep, he woke up to have a dinner at the nearby restaurant. While keeping himself low and mellow, he did not show any interest to his surroundings. But when the waitress came to offer some food, his eyes fell on a young woman who was watching him from across the room.
He felt sudden sense of joy, but still kept his emotions under control, but when her thoughts reentered his brain, he lifted his head to see her. 

I'm here to make your life fun
She gave him a sly pain. And that's when I died. He approached her and she was no way like me. So there friendship blossomed and with new experiences, new disappointments, new relationships - steward never ever again thought about me. No wonder, no trace of him on the internet. This is reality!!! Nothing like STUPID-ME envisioned.  

God started Steward's story and I finished it.

Nothing new for me....
So STUPID-ME, go get yourself some life rather than think about him or that day! The whole thing is NOTHING!!!!!!!! Even though, steward's face proclaims immense hope and future of togetherness. Stop dreaming. Start hating "hope", "wish" , remove them from your vocabulary. They are for losers and for people who cannot get things done!!! Even though, Obama won presidency in the name of HOPE.

I don't know who is singing - me or steward but this is what is ringing in my head:

Dreams, that's where I have to go
to see your beautiful face, anymore
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
where we both admit we had it good but
until then it's alienation, I know, that much is understood
And I realize

If you ask me how I'm doing I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
and finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say, I'm not over you
Not over you

Sometimes I feel like ending this life quickly so that I can get on to a new life which will be filled with infinite possibilities.

 Nightingale by Greek Composer Yanni
I want to gallop away like a horse in an open grassy land,
freely trot away wherever wind takes me to.
Just a free soul wandering and enjoying the beauty,
sprinting away with beautiful unexplainable thoughts and peace within.

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