Friday, June 1, 2012

Glimpses of hope but just to tease

I've history with things coming my way out of nowhere and just vanishing away after raising hopes. Time and time again, same scenarios but I'm not going to cry this time. I'll become an unemotional person and will say "hell with it, I DON'T CARE".

Did I ask someone to give job to me in my husband's company and jump start my career? No!
Did I ask for someone like J or steward to come into my life? No!
Did I ask for someone to approach me to help with their website? No!

Things happen, only to tease me! Show me how marvelous life can be but only if you can get it. Time and time again, I've impressed people but still when they are ready to make decision, something happens and as usual, I come closer and closer to my dream, only to be pulled away.

Long ago, I understood, in this world everybody is recognized by their occupation. Due to visa status, motherhood and some cowardly decisions, I never got a chance to have a career or to be an independent woman.

I had three wishes that I thought I might fulfill on my own without my husband's help, if I get that website contract but it came up to tip of my fingers and vanished.

This post would've been a happier post. I was so close in declaring to steward through my blog that he is my lucky charm - things are turning out pretty well from the time I met you like for whatever reason in-laws are acting sensible, I've been on creative track more than ever, major goal of having a career and to become an independent woman and very close of fulfilling desire to buy airline tickets to my parents with my own money and achieving THE IDENTITY. Even though, I want to think everything happens for good, but I'm not able to think in that way. I'm so dipped with bad luck. It would've been busy summer and would have achieved the feeling of  "Sense of accomplishment" but of course fate has something to offer that is NOTHING.

Many many years ago, out of curiosity, I learned Photoshop and played on it so much. I was so surprised that kind of "curiosity" came out handy and allowed me to work on designing the company's website. The company tested me out for a week and saw my work and gave thumbs up to it but when it came to signing a contract, my husband told me to not to agree for fixed contract but ask for hourly rate. They said we can't do hourly rate and maybe we will do with a guy who is already on payroll. Later after two hours,she came back and said we want only "you" but we can't do hourly and you need to be onsite. I said that's difficult as school had ended and I can't keep kids in daycare. My husband told about hourly because the marketing person is really not having a clear idea of what she wants and she kept on changing by giving directions of moving the object 5 pixels here, 5 pixels there after I worked on it for 20 hours. Her minute change will make me redo the whole work. But I did not have any problem as within myself I appreciated her sense of achieving perfectionism. But if you think in terms of professional way, hourly sounds right as it will make her be more responsible in making decisions, appreciate the designer's hard work and cannot prolong the project for however long she wants without having any clear-cut idea.

After my husband's talk with the CEO, I agreed to do fixed as they have budget constraints but did not agree to come and work from office as it is not possible for me but offered of coming to work everyday at 8A.M. and be there for an hour to write down and listen to the instructions or show previous days work but they did not agree. Now, they want to do themselves.

"Working from office" was not at all their priority when they asked me to help but look how God manipulates and gives them such ideas - only to take away my dream and pulling me away from a needed break to start my career.

The whole time, I thought - is it really happening? Someone really believes in me and my work and ready to offer me a contract? Wow! is it really happening? Cause in my past, always I came close to getting an offer, but as usual lightning strikes and they switch me off from the brightness.

Three years ago, colleague of my husband's company came to know that I've Masters degree in computers and invited to go through the interview process to get selected. I did as he said. I did very well in technical interview but in face to face, a guy asked me to write about myself on a piece of paper. I thought it was pretty weird but I did mentioning about myself, my education, marriage and kids. Later, I came to know that guy was a handwriting reader. In face to face interview, the manager who wanted to hire me said that whoever fills up this position need to work for 40-60 hrs.

He told my husband that I did very well but when the final outcome came, he chose some other guy over me who is unmarried and had no kids. Well, you fill up the blanks.

For whatever reason, the same guy, after a year called me back for interview and told me to go through a technical test. As usual, I did well. That's what he said to my husband. I went through face to face, group interviews. One day with high spirits came to my husband's cube and declared that he is ready to hire me. I was OMG! really happening...softly I said, "yay!"

After a week, I heard that they are remodeling the organization and no longer that post exists.

Fast forward to the present scenario, the company was supposed to pay at least for 40 hrs but now they are saying that whatever design and coding I did was just for trial. In my case, it was not about money but about getting satisfaction of earning money and stamping my name to prove that I was productive/valuable/worthy and that part no one understands. Yes,I should have taken as God's blessing and should have worked when they were ready for signing a contract, but the worst part was keeping that condition of working onsite. The manager knows pretty well that kids are off from school as she herself mentioned in one conference call. And yes, I would have ignored kids, if I was busy with work as I can think, only one thing at a time. And I can't handle pressure.
I believe strongly that you need to be in right place at right time to have a great life. And should be there, in your destiny or else how much you crave or put effort, it's not going to happen.
With this episode, I lost trust on everything. Finally, steward's spell broke, I no longer believe in any connection with him. Optimism - which he filled me up has gone. There is no magic or destiny in my life. All hand reading astrologers say, I have lot of wealth but I guess, they are talking about the money which I don't earn by myself but passed on. Ha!
My husband says it might be a sign that's why every time I fail in earning money. Yes, the sign which declares "if she becomes independent, marriage life is in trouble."
Yes, I can loudly declare that meeting up Steward was a coincidence and was nothing special. Yes, nothing good ever going to happen to me. And yes, I fool and disorient myself by expecting too much from nothing. Even though I try to be on the ground, things happen, raise my hopes, make me to believe, but only to shrink me down. I'm sick of myself!! Ignore the future post on steward which I wrote a week ago to post it on June 7th, the day I met him. I'll not delete it as it represents my once-upon-time-feelings.

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