Saturday, June 16, 2012

Should I be sorry for looking young?

Oh, come on! Is that such a thing especially in this modern era when everybody wants to look young forever?

I feel J, Steward and me are the victims of "me" looking young. Yesterday, when my family and I went for a walk, a  woman from Ethiopia asked me, "are they your kids?" I said, "Yes". She started saying, "OMG! really? you don't look like you are a mother of two." The other woman joined her and said "You look more like 25 or so or maybe sweet 16 or forever 21." Then the woman from Ethiopia said, "If you say, you're 18, I can easily believe you without a doubt. It is not just your physique but the innocence in your face..." "Well, thank you", I said and responded to her follow up question of what I do to look young. "Basically NOTHING - other than not-drinking-sodas/abandoning-fried-foods", I said.

But this discussion made me to think about Steward. I questioned myself many many times in the past about what did Steward think about my age? Why I was with two kids on the plane? Like the Ethiopian woman, he too would have never thought of about me being older or married or having kids. Not only my looks, even my mannerisms and my way of thinking too doesn't represent my age. Well, people like or dislike, this is how I am. My maturity and thinking fluctuates and I myself find it hard to comprehend.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” by Dr. Seuss

Yanni with Linda Evans
Until I met J, I never knew that someone young in early 20's can get attracted to me and suddenly "age" will be a barrier in forming any kind of relationship. Yes, movies show a young guy falling for an older woman but knowingly fall regardless of the age difference but in my case, they fall unknowingly and that is tragic. And that kind of story, no one has ever covered, not in a novel or in a movie. And that puts me under pressure and leave with intricacies of explanation of why I can't prolong the interaction.

 I guess, God indirectly blessed me with young looks to go through the phase of "falling in love", attraction, memorable glances, to show the best of what world has to offer and to feel the excruciating pain of separation after meeting a guy who has an incredible potential of offering me the "love life" which I always envisioned. God indirectly saying to me - its all there, only to feel, but not to touch it like many immeasurable beautiful places on the Earth - you can paint, take infinite pictures, record it on your camcorder but you can never capture the feeling a place can produce in you.

I want to write something so strong that in the future if I read about my episode with Steward, it should not be just mere words or look like a foolish episode but clearly portrays the joy Steward bestowed on me. The positive feeling with which sometimes I feel like I can beat anything in this world.

My life is filled with people ignoring me, pass me like I'm invisible, all my dreams - always  gets crushed, my small frame doesn't make anybody take me serious for anything. Maybe it was just another flirting episode for Steward or maybe people/myself declare me as a loser for wallowing on a year ago episode with steward but for me it was everything. Sorry folks, if you can't feel the pure joy I have received from steward's episode but I'm truly happy that I get to experience and I really thank Steward for coming into my life. I still feel the sense-of-belonging. Something and someone has made me feel ecstatic and that COUNTS!
Whenever I hear beautiful music - thoughts related to him, come rushing in...engulfs me with immense joy
Recently, I asked a guy friend to know male's perspective - Could you please answer me from a male's perspective and being an industry expert - is it sensible to think that he still remembers me when I'm just a very ordinary person? Is it really possible for a guy to fall for someone other than just flirting / thinking of having fun time with a stranger?  Frankly, if he misses me, he would have done something to show up in google search or created his social profile.

He replied by saying: To answer your question from a guy's perspective, initial contact for most guys would involve thoughts about flirting and having fun. You guys didn't have an opportunity to develop a bond and take things beyond the flirtation level (at least from a guy's perspective).

The other day, when I was discussing about this positive feeling to my sister, she cut me off by saying, "Oh, I heard your stories about J and your feelings towards him at that time. This too will perish, once time passes." That hurt me so much. Maybe true, but I don't want it to happen. I want to hold a place for him in my heart forever with the title which says "best feeling ever". I swear till now in my life, no person saw me from the get-go with such brightness and enthusiasm like the way steward showed. He gained my attention through open body language, eye contact and beaming smile - just like the way the author Nicholas Boothman mentioned in "How to make people like you in 90 seconds or less. After listening to the audio version, I was like - did the steward read the book? Well of course, he got trained to be extra nice with passengers.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou


But one thing for sure, that day, if I went to the galley based on his indication, the whole thing would have fallen apart. Definitely, a person will lose interest once they know OLDER, MARRIED, KIDS....all the attractiveness, the so called "appeal" goes backwards. Its almost like tasting a bad terrible food without realizing that it is old. I don't have any identity or accomplishments to introduce myself or to make him feel - worth of pursuing me. But at least, I would have known something more than what I know about him now i.e., nothing other than him working for Lufthansa.

I hate when guys give up instead of pursuing. I hate when guys think that there are many fish in the ocean. If not her, there will be many more to come.  That's what twitter steward mentioned in one of his blogs about pursuing a passenger. Those guys can runaway from temporary headaches but in woman's point of view - they are really not worth to pursue.

That's how J's thoughts were until I found him after my intense and desperate search. But I did not find any joy in finding him but came to reality that no one believes in pursuing someone. That someone who once-upon-a-time you thought as special. If not for the sake of love but pursue him/her - at least to have the presence of that person in your life.

One-night stand
And one more issue, I have with this world which thinks that every man or woman pursue the opposite sex only for SEX. When I pursued J, it was not SEX, it was for the feeling that he understood me, he liked me and he thought that I'm somewhat special to him. Holy crap, one day, he even invited me for one-night stand over twitter. DISGUSTING!! Well, I just thought to myself - God, he really doesn't understand me.

Maintaining a relationship based on once-upon-a-time special feelings is tough as it is based on past. Everybody can't keep up with the expectations - the ones, they delivered and everybody has there own life which will get filled with new experiences.

My heart totally desires that Steward still remembers me and one day, when he meets me, all our feelings should pour out in a symbiotic way and we both should be nondetachable. TWO HALVES OF ONE HEART.

My dream is to have a unique bond which cannot be assigned with a name, which cannot be restricted by time or ego but sustains until our last breath.  I feel the potential and that kind of deep understanding with him. Well, at least that's how I envision.

But I'm totally fine with me and Steward going separate ways. I don't want to disappoint him. I've nothing good to offer him. By now, he might have connected with someone special. He will always be in my heart forever.

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.” - Javan (Iranian born American Inventor)

I wonder how my famous blog post "Miss You, Pal" which was written thinking about J in May'11 has been overtaken by "Ich Vermisse Dich" within a year. Yes, steward not only gave an immense joy by coming into my life but took away the pain infested by J. Whenever I think about J - the way he played with my emotions, steward blocks j's thoughts from my brain and bifurcates my thoughts to the moments I had with him - the promise, the belief, the bright future. togetherness and sense of belonging. Any disturbing thought always gets replaced with his smiley, promising face. 

But once for all, I want to shut my dreams/hope/desires by being real. Let me tell you, how and when I died for Steward:

On June 8th(remember 10 hour trip, so day changed), when I did not oblige for a small talk in the galley, steward's hopes dashed and he felt disappointment that he couldn't take this serendipitous meeting to friendship and beyond. Due to Jumpseat syndrome(It’s like being a bartender or a hairdresser, the way people confess things to you. I’ll fly with other crewmembers and we’ll go right into personal stories. You get close really quickly and then you may never work with them again. It’s like having all these one-night stands; you get really intimate and then it’s done. It also sometimes happens when we start talking to passengers in the galley. - Heather Poole), once he reached the hotel, he crashed onto the bed - feeling exhausted mentally and physically and questioned himself of why I did not acknowledge. 

A new love journey begins!!
After ten to twelve hour sleep, he woke up to have a dinner at the nearby restaurant. While keeping himself low and mellow, he did not show any interest to his surroundings. But when the waitress came to offer some food, his eyes fell on a young woman who was watching him from across the room.
He felt sudden sense of joy, but still kept his emotions under control, but when her thoughts reentered his brain, he lifted his head to see her. 

I'm here to make your life fun
She gave him a sly pain. And that's when I died. He approached her and she was no way like me. So there friendship blossomed and with new experiences, new disappointments, new relationships - steward never ever again thought about me. No wonder, no trace of him on the internet. This is reality!!! Nothing like STUPID-ME envisioned.  


God started Steward's story and I finished it.

Nothing new for me....
So STUPID-ME, go get yourself some life rather than think about him or that day! The whole thing is NOTHING!!!!!!!! Even though, steward's face proclaims immense hope and future of togetherness. Stop dreaming. Start hating "hope", "wish" , remove them from your vocabulary. They are for losers and for people who cannot get things done!!! Even though, Obama won presidency in the name of HOPE.

I don't know who is singing - me or steward but this is what is ringing in my head:

Dreams, that's where I have to go
to see your beautiful face, anymore
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
where we both admit we had it good but
until then it's alienation, I know, that much is understood
And I realize

If you ask me how I'm doing I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
and finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say, I'm not over you
Not over you

Sometimes I feel like ending this life quickly so that I can get on to a new life which will be filled with infinite possibilities.



 Nightingale by Greek Composer Yanni
I want to gallop away like a horse in an open grassy land,
freely trot away wherever wind takes me to.
Just a free soul wandering and enjoying the beauty,
sprinting away with beautiful unexplainable thoughts and peace within.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Snippets from Nicholas Boothman's How to make people like you in 90 sec or less

Answer the following questions to know who you are and who should be your partner to have a long lasting relationship. Do you want someone like you or do you want some excitement/surprise in your relationship by choosing someone out of the box?


After answering, count number of A's, B's C's to know whether you are Visual or Auditory or Kinesthetics(feelings).
A - Visual. B - Auditory C - Kinesthetics.



Thursday, June 7, 2012

Believe it, hold on to me and never let me go

Mein Lieber Freund,

           On our anniversary, I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs from every mountain peak I come across by saying "LH 441 Lufthansa Steward, where are you?" I bet not even in your weird dreams you might have imagined that I will think about you. Well, I want to say to you that you're still in my heart, still in my thoughts and I still remember our moments. You're the best thing ever happened to me. I want to say 'Thank you' for giving me the best day of my life. I still remember like as if it has happened yesterday. Believe it or not, on June 7th 2011, even before I met you, I felt the magic in the air - about something good is going to happen....kind of optimistic but did not know, what for and never  fantasized that it will come in the form of you.

Irving Forecast
June 7th 2012 - Dallas @ 8:00 A.M.
weather  Forecast




Look at today's weather, just like me lifeless, gloomy, no brightness, no hope...nothing to look forward to...no adventures, no meeting special people in the sky with bright smile to welcome me.

This is how it was last year:
On June 7th, 2011, the closest available weather station to Dallas, TX (DALLAS LOVE FIELD, TX), reported the following conditions:
High Temp: 97F

           I'm basically happy-go-lucky girl, but due to many years of not-so-happy-moments, took away the original me but after meeting you and as time passed, I sensed the inner me in you. I felt like I found a part of me in you - the happy one, the one who wants to believe in the things she sees, blurt out exactly what she feels and share anything or everything with the person she trusts without fearing of any backlash. Even with all the pain of not able to see you - ever again, somewhere deep within me that happiness of meeting you is still there - wants to come out, wants to believe again... just waiting for you to show up. You cajoled me with your mannerisms and awakened my inner soul which was in a dormant state for a long time.

            You used all your channels - body, eyes, smile, breath, heart and voice - transferred the positive energy....And I felt....

 It's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life for me
and I'm feeling good


steep hill easier to climb with a partner
            

           The best way to express of what I went through the past year is: Have you ever heard Calvin Harris song "I feel so close to you"? This is what I imagine of what has happened to me after I met you -  music starts at a slow pace and now, imagine I'm riding a cycle - a steep hill is on my way and I need to use extra force to climb and suddenly, from nowhere you join me and I don't feel the steepness anymore as I was busy - just watching you while you were watching me.

           Music is picking up, you left me right at the top of the hill but I don't feel any pain of separation, rather I enjoy the rhythm you started - I enjoy the slope after the steep hill, blazing down the trail, feeling the wind on my face, no effort, just free flow - picturing myself twirling, running and singing as my body enters the open land with blue skies, vast green lands with valleys, I start floating, going higher and higher, reaching the peak of the mountain, twirling and running at the top of the mountain with happiness, peace, I enter into titanic scene where Jack and Ross dancing away in Irish party and then I enter ballroom where Cinderella dancing away with her love, feeling a gush of happiness all over and around me....nonstop dancing all alone with rhythm picking up, going upbeat.... I was so immersed in dancing, feeling ecstatic....twirling twirling...dancing dancing....going higher and higher, analyzing for months, every bit of my journey with you from that day onwards, nobody can put me down anymore, no incident can take away my spirits...totally  positive environment, a new hope, a new life, a new dream, a special someone.....can't stop dancing and yes and yes, finally ready to say " there is no stopping us right now. I feel so close to you right now." everything I ever imagined in a love story, the best story ever, dressed up and took infinite pictures to find answers for what you saw in me and yes, I declare that I like the main characters, understood of why I feel like I'm connected to you...we both are dreamers, believers and belong to each other, don't even care of what world thinks anymore....yes, I'm ready for an adventure. Yes, I need you and yes, I miss you and I want to see you.

 I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true 
And I just can't wait 'till the day when you knock on the door
 Now every time I check my email gotta hold myself down 
'Cause I just can't wait 'till you write me your comin' around woah yeh! 
 I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
 I'm walking on sunshine, wooah 
 I'm walking on sunshine, woooah 
and don't it feel good!!

                           And then finally the song ended, I stopped dancing, the spell broke, I found myself alone, deserted, searched for you everywhere, shocked that I can't find you anywhere when once again I need to climb the steep hill. I marinated our serendipitous meeting for so long - felt and tasted the joy but forgot that I was late to the party as usual. I saw hope, togetherness, sense of belonging in your eyes and heard positive vibrations. I can't fathom with the reality of I-Will-Never-Find-You. It doesn't seem right. There is no way, the hope in your eyes fades away - not possible. A meaningful escapade looks bleak right now.    

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes,
I think I found my best friend
I know that it might sound
More than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see
The missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home
I know that it might sound
More than a little crazy
But I believe  

                        Someone once commented about my status as "You live far too much in your head and mind, so much so that every external real life event becomes disproportionately and excessively magnified." but there are few mystical things happened which makes me to give importance to that meeting and to you:
  • I was not supposed to fly from Houston... rare occurrence but it has happened as I couldn't get tickets from Dallas. I could have gone on a different airline but I adamantly chose Lufthansa.
  • That day, I sensed happy vibes about my trip...good feeling without even knowing the reason.
  • I did oil painting of Jude Law in February '11. From the time, I returned from my trip, I see you in that painting. I played with the portrait too many times, changing facial features, the bone structure -  to make the portrait look more like Jude Law, but all I can see is - only you. I don't know whether my eyes are fooling me or is it really you. I took away smile from the portrait as it was oblivious to my pain/frustration. I don't see your resemblance in everybody I come across that means my brain is working but this portrait reminds me of you  in every way - the stare.
  • The way the you stared and behaved with me was totally like you know me from a very long time. Usually, when someone watches/stares at you, natural tendency is to unlock the eyes, but here, in that moment when you stared for 10s, I behaved like we are well acquainted with each other - for me to stare back at you and question you by saying 'what' is almost like two known people trying to act on something behind the back of others.
  • The belief in me that I'll definitely find you in future is so strong especially whenever I visualize you. And yes, I know the defense mechanism, brain plays to cope up with denial.
                      You almost barged in my life by indirectly saying "Hey! Come on, wake up! I'm here" which made you special and memorable. I hope, I left something with you which made you feel "special" and made me memorable but I doubt that I did something to make myself memorable. 

            Year long, I came across numerous blogs about Flight Attendants glamorous, adventurous life and infinite possibilities of meeting beautiful people. I sketched away our tender moments because I did not want my memory to fade way.
Love at first sight
How can I not give you attention when you showered me with excitement-all-over-your-face?!?!

love is in the air
I love you

Ich Vermisse Dich

new found love

                I read countless missed-connection stories and felt my story too will sound nonsensical and will remain just-a-phase. I even read "Power of Now" to  understand in depth of what causing me to feel the way I feel about you. The book mocks my feeling for you as a mere ego status of my mind. I even heard inner voices saying that I'm a fool to think that you still remember me or give importance to our encounter. I even know that too many high expectations lead to disaster, disappointment.. and very well aware that nothing in this world lasts forever - people come, people go and everybody is easily replaceable.  Yes, I even know, guys just flirt for fun and there are plenty of fish in the ocean. Whatever it is, in the midst of all these negativeness which puts me down, dictate me to get away from your memory, but the truth is you gave me an immense effortless joy, hope and reminder of my how I wanted that one special person who can make me feel special. Whenever I think about you, all I can see is your smiley familiar face looking deep into my eyes assuring me, by saying "hey, I'm here for you". I really can't believe myself that I am not able to find you when my belief of finding you for sure is screaming within me and on top of that, whenever I lose hope, your smiley, sense-of-belonging face appears. Plenty of times, I acted out in front of the mirror like as if you were watching me and I was like lip synching "what?" with a shy smile....of course, that led me to tears.  I'm not expecting anything from you, other than acknowledging the special feeling you bestowed on me and good deed of yours is well appreciated. I see you in every flight attendant, in any plane related news, in every young, happy, charming, bright European guy. I see you in every plane in the sky -picturing you looking through the window. I see you especially in look alike Jude Law's oil painting portrait:

LH 441 Lufthansa Steward
Who will stare like this at a stranger?!?! read this article to know - Who???
   
                    Wish our meeting was something meaningful and productive. Wish it was much more than just a mere coincidence. One thing I truly wish from bottom of my heart is, if we ever meet again, you and me should react, the way we were on June 7th 2011 -  indescribable chemistry with familiar glance and happy-to-see-you-once-again.




          Even though, the video shows you weeping but  it is "me" in the form of you...................


                     Wish you were not my past but my future. I wish you best of luck! Hope all of your dreams come true! Always be merry! Wish you remember my existence! If ever telepathy world really exist, it will lead you to this webpage or wherever my presence is. Whatever that makes me believe in us and gives me the feeling of sense of belonging, if truly exists, we shall each other again in future. I never hoped or dreamed that I will meet someone special on June 7th 2011 but it happened. Now, I want to meet you but it won't happen. Wish I had powers to skip June 7th. I don't want to go through this day especially after 4:30 P.M. without meeting you.

Lorena Hickok's words to Eleanor Roosevelt -- "I remember your eyes with a kind of teasing smile in them, and the feeling of that soft spot just northeast of the corner of your mouth against my lips"

Well, this is what I remember about you - " a beaming smile with bright twinkling eyes staring at me, showcasing enthusiasm and passing on nonverbal cues. That I call Glad-you-came look."

Ich Vermisse Dich

Your Awaiting friend

Friday, June 1, 2012

Glimpses of hope but just to tease

I've history with things coming my way out of nowhere and just vanishing away after raising hopes. Time and time again, same scenarios but I'm not going to cry this time. I'll become an unemotional person and will say "hell with it, I DON'T CARE".

Did I ask someone to give job to me in my husband's company and jump start my career? No!
Did I ask for someone like J or steward to come into my life? No!
Did I ask for someone to approach me to help with their website? No!


Things happen, only to tease me! Show me how marvelous life can be but only if you can get it. Time and time again, I've impressed people but still when they are ready to make decision, something happens and as usual, I come closer and closer to my dream, only to be pulled away.

Long ago, I understood, in this world everybody is recognized by their occupation. Due to visa status, motherhood and some cowardly decisions, I never got a chance to have a career or to be an independent woman.

I had three wishes that I thought I might fulfill on my own without my husband's help, if I get that website contract but it came up to tip of my fingers and vanished.

This post would've been a happier post. I was so close in declaring to steward through my blog that he is my lucky charm - things are turning out pretty well from the time I met you like for whatever reason in-laws are acting sensible, I've been on creative track more than ever, major goal of having a career and to become an independent woman and very close of fulfilling desire to buy airline tickets to my parents with my own money and achieving THE IDENTITY. Even though, I want to think everything happens for good, but I'm not able to think in that way. I'm so dipped with bad luck. It would've been busy summer and would have achieved the feeling of  "Sense of accomplishment" but of course fate has something to offer that is NOTHING.

Many many years ago, out of curiosity, I learned Photoshop and played on it so much. I was so surprised that kind of "curiosity" came out handy and allowed me to work on designing the company's website. The company tested me out for a week and saw my work and gave thumbs up to it but when it came to signing a contract, my husband told me to not to agree for fixed contract but ask for hourly rate. They said we can't do hourly rate and maybe we will do with a guy who is already on payroll. Later after two hours,she came back and said we want only "you" but we can't do hourly and you need to be onsite. I said that's difficult as school had ended and I can't keep kids in daycare. My husband told about hourly because the marketing person is really not having a clear idea of what she wants and she kept on changing by giving directions of moving the object 5 pixels here, 5 pixels there after I worked on it for 20 hours. Her minute change will make me redo the whole work. But I did not have any problem as within myself I appreciated her sense of achieving perfectionism. But if you think in terms of professional way, hourly sounds right as it will make her be more responsible in making decisions, appreciate the designer's hard work and cannot prolong the project for however long she wants without having any clear-cut idea.

After my husband's talk with the CEO, I agreed to do fixed as they have budget constraints but did not agree to come and work from office as it is not possible for me but offered of coming to work everyday at 8A.M. and be there for an hour to write down and listen to the instructions or show previous days work but they did not agree. Now, they want to do themselves.

"Working from office" was not at all their priority when they asked me to help but look how God manipulates and gives them such ideas - only to take away my dream and pulling me away from a needed break to start my career.

The whole time, I thought - is it really happening? Someone really believes in me and my work and ready to offer me a contract? Wow! is it really happening? Cause in my past, always I came close to getting an offer, but as usual lightning strikes and they switch me off from the brightness.

Three years ago, colleague of my husband's company came to know that I've Masters degree in computers and invited to go through the interview process to get selected. I did as he said. I did very well in technical interview but in face to face, a guy asked me to write about myself on a piece of paper. I thought it was pretty weird but I did mentioning about myself, my education, marriage and kids. Later, I came to know that guy was a handwriting reader. In face to face interview, the manager who wanted to hire me said that whoever fills up this position need to work for 40-60 hrs.

He told my husband that I did very well but when the final outcome came, he chose some other guy over me who is unmarried and had no kids. Well, you fill up the blanks.

For whatever reason, the same guy, after a year called me back for interview and told me to go through a technical test. As usual, I did well. That's what he said to my husband. I went through face to face, group interviews. One day with high spirits came to my husband's cube and declared that he is ready to hire me. I was OMG! really happening...softly I said, "yay!"

After a week, I heard that they are remodeling the organization and no longer that post exists.

Fast forward to the present scenario, the company was supposed to pay at least for 40 hrs but now they are saying that whatever design and coding I did was just for trial. In my case, it was not about money but about getting satisfaction of earning money and stamping my name to prove that I was productive/valuable/worthy and that part no one understands. Yes,I should have taken as God's blessing and should have worked when they were ready for signing a contract, but the worst part was keeping that condition of working onsite. The manager knows pretty well that kids are off from school as she herself mentioned in one conference call. And yes, I would have ignored kids, if I was busy with work as I can think, only one thing at a time. And I can't handle pressure.
I believe strongly that you need to be in right place at right time to have a great life. And should be there, in your destiny or else how much you crave or put effort, it's not going to happen.
With this episode, I lost trust on everything. Finally, steward's spell broke, I no longer believe in any connection with him. Optimism - which he filled me up has gone. There is no magic or destiny in my life. All hand reading astrologers say, I have lot of wealth but I guess, they are talking about the money which I don't earn by myself but passed on. Ha!
My husband says it might be a sign that's why every time I fail in earning money. Yes, the sign which declares "if she becomes independent, marriage life is in trouble."
Yes, I can loudly declare that meeting up Steward was a coincidence and was nothing special. Yes, nothing good ever going to happen to me. And yes, I fool and disorient myself by expecting too much from nothing. Even though I try to be on the ground, things happen, raise my hopes, make me to believe, but only to shrink me down. I'm sick of myself!! Ignore the future post on steward which I wrote a week ago to post it on June 7th, the day I met him. I'll not delete it as it represents my once-upon-time-feelings.