Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Whom am I to say that I'm in love...

Due to my friend's recommendation, I started listening toEckhart Tolle's "Power of Now". Thanks to the public library, I can hear the audio version. The topics of the book are totally like he is speaking to me about my current psychological status.

This is what he says about Love relationships:  
Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to—alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person—you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in most intimate relationships. They do not cause the pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.

Honestly, before I even read this book, deep within inside me, my conscious brain from time to time questioned my love towards Lufthansa Steward. I felt the same feelings/genuine happiness when I met J too. But due to whatever reasons, I decided to not to pursue or care for him anymore. The first half of last year, I struggled to keep distance from his digital world.

The day I met steward, I was like ok, a handsome guy showing interest in me - made my day, I maybe an attractive person. And that's all it was. But later on after few months - my mind magnified the day's events, the moments with him - led me to be in ecstasy, the confidence in me soared, the world looked beautiful than ever(just like the way I felt when I met J).  I was totally happy and no one in the world can make me sad. Like Eckhart said, I was once again whole.

"Brief and elusive glimpses of true love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of ego mind."

I always questioned of how western people fall in and out of love so easily. And how they dare to start from scratch and believe in love once again with a new partner?

Well, now I know the answer. Everybody wants someone to like them, to make them feel precious, to feel the joy of being WANTED. But is that "true love??"

Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of Presence (God within), all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are in love, but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most romantic relationships become love/hate relationships before long.
Love can then turn into
  • savage attack,
  • feelings of hostility, or
  • complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. 
No doubt in my mind, if I was happy with my current situation and life, I would have thought the steward incident as just a happy occurrence and would have laughed on it and would have not made a bid deal out of it. But look at me, wallowing everyday, thinking of losing a soul mate, a person who made me feel like I'm million dollar worth........... I know nothing lasts forever, The things which Mr. Tolle said above is true.

I am not even interested in starting a new life with steward. Then what am I carving for? Well, I don't know. I wanted him to to be in my life to always make me feel like I'm wanted and someone genuinely, effortlessly like me as a person. But he too is a human being and everyday is not same, so what are the chances of no future arguments, disappointments - gradually his priorities, his life will take over mine.

That's why I'm screwed!! I want time to pass quickly so that I can get out of this misery which unconsciously I inflicted on myself.

But then again Mr. Tolle says:

Instead of relying on past or future events, "surrender to what is."  "Say 'yes' to life - and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you. Make Now the primary focus in your life.

A way of learning to dis-identify with the mind is to "end the delusion of time." Our preoccupation with past and future - memory and anticipation - leaves us prisoners of time and our minds. Being focused on the past and/or future prevents us from the Now. Now is the only truly precious thing that matters. There is only Now."



Well, it totally hurts that my meeting with steward is just meaningless - just a coincidence. No one out there!!
 

This cat taught me an important lesson. When my kids piano class was going on, I saw this cat waiting for my son's shoe laces to move...so that it can play with it. But once my son came to know about cat's plan, he stopped shaking his foot. That's when I noticed the similarity between me and the cat. Like me, at that particular moment  the cat's life was boring..face was dull - sleepy, but once the laces moved, it got so excited like suddenly something awakened its soul - once again like life is interesting. It sat patiently near his feet, with hopeful eyes of when again the laces move for it to have fun-filled life. Waited and waited...but once nothing happened, it went back and sat on the couch with sleepy eyes - almost like Gosh! nothing in the world to make me happy. If I think about me....my life was tedious..no glamor, no fun, nothing was there to excite my soul...but just like the shoe laces for the cat, steward did the magic for me. Laces did not create a dent to the cat's life but being a human being, my mind played games with me - only to make me a painful soul.

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