Saturday, May 26, 2012

Cynicism is taking over my head

As proclaimed, zombies(in-laws) are here. I'm wrapped with cynicism. No good thought is coming across my mind, not even Steward's I-like-you memories. I'm spreading my negative attitude to kids. Like a sponge, they are absorbing. And I'm becoming helpless.

Even though, zombies are not spilling out venom, I hear their criticism in my every move, my unsocial way of living life by not participating in their stories. In every story of SHE-zombie's narration, I feel like she is giving a hint of how-to-behave.

When I got married, I had a pure soul but their behavior at the beginning years of marriage towards me and my parents, put hateful/negative/anger seeds in my brain. The worst thing is I made them grow. I had no choice as they persistently enforced til I became the person who I'm today - an angry, bitter woman who is spoiling young minds of my kids instead of teaching them compassion and forgiveness.

 I thought Steward's good memories will enforce happiness, hope and spread the seeds of love but cynicism is taking over there too - laughing and ridiculing of that day's events by saying "Who the hell will like you?" "You're the most hateful, undesirable person on this Earth"

Well, I guess that kind of thoughts are making me to behave or come across as arrogant/mean person. I guess that's brain's defense mechanism - be slightly bad, make hear and there, inconsiderate statement and come across as uncooperative person. It's like I'll hurt before you dare to hurt me.

Zombies and my husband are all acting like they are good people with good intentions and who are all for spreading love, compassion and laughter. Took away happy moments from my life, created havoc and distance from my own family. After spilling mayhem in my world, now, they are all for goodness and an attitude that says loud and clear - other than your family, we can be good with rest of the world. And I have to participate in this falseness. Well, how can I be?

Well, I'm uncooperative and unwilling to participate in their togetherness but at least not like my husband - creating a scene or disrupting or breaking off relationships. Well, that's what he did, six years ago - when I was having good time with my mom, brother-in-laws' and sisters' - a pregnant one and a newly married one. With his jealousness, just picked up a fight with everybody, trashed the party, mood of everybody, causing pain and sorrow to us and created a rift among our families. Single-handedly, destroyed all the relationships for me and made me elusive to love/good times.

Well. at least my writing this post, its helping me out to find answers of why I'm acting out this way. But my unsocial behavior is not a good example for my kids and that bothers me. I'm spilling my negativity in them and thereby creating the same mistake of planting hateful seeds. Argh, wish I've control over my mind/actions. Please Steward, help me out - fill me up with beautiful thoughts. God, please make me a better person.

Today, my husband sent me an email about his thoughts/repent and assured to make things better but I doubt his motives. Might be for just time being, so that his parents can have good time and not get hurt by not-so-good behavior.

"I understand your pain and the feeling of helplessness that you are experiencing due to what happened when your parents were here. I have sincerely felt your parents have forgiven me but you are right I did not put any effort to talk about it or voluntarily get them home.

With regard to your parents I feel that anything I do will always will be looked at differently for what happened in the past. I would like for your parents to come and stay with us and we both will have to convince them to come as if either one of us invites them separately it will not come
across that we are together. I would like for them to come this summer and I can assure that you will be proud of me when they come over. Our kids should get to know both sets of grandparents which I never got to experience.

If you have to express something please do so no matter what it is as I would like to see you happy and full of life which is what I expect to provide."
- Bye husband

When a bad storm comes, it engulfs everyone, leaves behind nothing. Same way in life too, if you spill venom, it will not only kill your enemies but will come after you and your kids too.

 Live, Love and Laugh - that's what hangs on my wall but that's not what I'm implementing in my life. God bless us all with good motives.

1 comment:

  1. You live far too much in your head and mind, so much so that every external real life event becomes disproportionately and excessively magnified. Too many people incorrectly see counselling and therapy as an acknowledgement of some mental defect. The truth is sometimes it's the only way to hear an objective and independant voice that neither your family nor friends can provide.
    This is a bit of sincere advice from someone who can relate. Accept or reject it. The choice is up yo you.