Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Mama's and Papa's Boy

Yes, my husband is mama's and papa's boy! They say, "men who have a good relationship with their mothers tend to be more understanding and respectful toward women and treats his partner well."

Well, that's not the case. I feel, if a guy is nice and respectful with everyone, will bound to be good with his significant too. Certain relationships are not calling him to be good, but in general he is good. And that's the guy is better than one who treats his momma well.

Yes, as a mom, I would prefer my son to give importance to me, treat me well, think about me on special events.

I'm really saying, I have never seen anybody like my husband when it comes to showing love towards his parents. The laziness just vanishes. Doubt arises - is he the same guy, I often see? Even though I don't want to compare myself with his parents but its natural if I do. And I don't like what I see. Everything loudly screams that my happiness or treating me well is not his priority. Once I argued with him when he broke my heart by going against my wishes - I may not be old and fragile when compare to your parents(no, they're not fragile) but if you break my heart, irrespective of my age, I may die with grief. 

Yesterday, this is what I noticed - I can tolerate my in-laws somehow but when he enters into the scene, his undivided attention with babyish talk and ridiculous way of pleasing and giving microscopic thought to every minute detail so that to please them in every possible way just irritates me, not only irritate but feels kind of a slap to my existence. They are not God and if anything goes wrong, not a big deal. They will deal just like any other human being on the Earth.

He buys things before they ask and thinks prior of what and when to buy. He peels and cuts fruit into small specks. He double checks if the fish is cooked well and tastes it before he serves. He cleans up the house, does their laundry work, serves dinner in the upstairs media room while they watch movie. All these extra work is not for just one day but for six months with same dedication and love. Resolves his differences with his sister and acts like nothing ever happened, so that he won't ruin his parents trip. Respects his sister's husband and gives him company by doing small talk which he himself said that he hates. Everybody in the house should act and work in accordance to make his parents trip - a memorable one. Would have been so much better, if we didn't marry anyone, in that way, his devotion to his parents would have been justified.

 I want to keep my emotions under control and not give him pleasure of making me feel low but I'm an open book. If something bothers me, it just shows up on my face. I've come across many times through TV/magazines about how they say of letting your partner know about your feelings but in my case, it is just waste. He doesn't care. That's what happens, when you get things easy without any hard work, you tend to disrespect and doesn't know the value of it.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

To Anonymous

Thank you for stating "You live far too much in your head and mind, so much so that every external real life event becomes disproportionately and excessively magnified."

Well, maybe true, but what's in my head is based on the events which I experienced in my life and not intentionally fabricated. Your comment is more of your observation/judgement than a solution. I still respect your perspective and I've always wondered about that possibility, that's why I don't trust myself and don't act on anything which comes across my way as I don't know if it is real or disproportionately magnified. Blogging is my only way to let my thoughts out.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Cynicism is taking over my head

As proclaimed, zombies(in-laws) are here. I'm wrapped with cynicism. No good thought is coming across my mind, not even Steward's I-like-you memories. I'm spreading my negative attitude to kids. Like a sponge, they are absorbing. And I'm becoming helpless.

Even though, zombies are not spilling out venom, I hear their criticism in my every move, my unsocial way of living life by not participating in their stories. In every story of SHE-zombie's narration, I feel like she is giving a hint of how-to-behave.

When I got married, I had a pure soul but their behavior at the beginning years of marriage towards me and my parents, put hateful/negative/anger seeds in my brain. The worst thing is I made them grow. I had no choice as they persistently enforced til I became the person who I'm today - an angry, bitter woman who is spoiling young minds of my kids instead of teaching them compassion and forgiveness.

 I thought Steward's good memories will enforce happiness, hope and spread the seeds of love but cynicism is taking over there too - laughing and ridiculing of that day's events by saying "Who the hell will like you?" "You're the most hateful, undesirable person on this Earth"

Well, I guess that kind of thoughts are making me to behave or come across as arrogant/mean person. I guess that's brain's defense mechanism - be slightly bad, make hear and there, inconsiderate statement and come across as uncooperative person. It's like I'll hurt before you dare to hurt me.

Zombies and my husband are all acting like they are good people with good intentions and who are all for spreading love, compassion and laughter. Took away happy moments from my life, created havoc and distance from my own family. After spilling mayhem in my world, now, they are all for goodness and an attitude that says loud and clear - other than your family, we can be good with rest of the world. And I have to participate in this falseness. Well, how can I be?

Well, I'm uncooperative and unwilling to participate in their togetherness but at least not like my husband - creating a scene or disrupting or breaking off relationships. Well, that's what he did, six years ago - when I was having good time with my mom, brother-in-laws' and sisters' - a pregnant one and a newly married one. With his jealousness, just picked up a fight with everybody, trashed the party, mood of everybody, causing pain and sorrow to us and created a rift among our families. Single-handedly, destroyed all the relationships for me and made me elusive to love/good times.

Well. at least my writing this post, its helping me out to find answers of why I'm acting out this way. But my unsocial behavior is not a good example for my kids and that bothers me. I'm spilling my negativity in them and thereby creating the same mistake of planting hateful seeds. Argh, wish I've control over my mind/actions. Please Steward, help me out - fill me up with beautiful thoughts. God, please make me a better person.

Today, my husband sent me an email about his thoughts/repent and assured to make things better but I doubt his motives. Might be for just time being, so that his parents can have good time and not get hurt by not-so-good behavior.

"I understand your pain and the feeling of helplessness that you are experiencing due to what happened when your parents were here. I have sincerely felt your parents have forgiven me but you are right I did not put any effort to talk about it or voluntarily get them home.

With regard to your parents I feel that anything I do will always will be looked at differently for what happened in the past. I would like for your parents to come and stay with us and we both will have to convince them to come as if either one of us invites them separately it will not come
across that we are together. I would like for them to come this summer and I can assure that you will be proud of me when they come over. Our kids should get to know both sets of grandparents which I never got to experience.

If you have to express something please do so no matter what it is as I would like to see you happy and full of life which is what I expect to provide."
- Bye husband

When a bad storm comes, it engulfs everyone, leaves behind nothing. Same way in life too, if you spill venom, it will not only kill your enemies but will come after you and your kids too.

 Live, Love and Laugh - that's what hangs on my wall but that's not what I'm implementing in my life. God bless us all with good motives.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Whom am I to say that I'm in love...

Due to my friend's recommendation, I started listening toEckhart Tolle's "Power of Now". Thanks to the public library, I can hear the audio version. The topics of the book are totally like he is speaking to me about my current psychological status.

This is what he says about Love relationships:  
Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to—alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person—you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in most intimate relationships. They do not cause the pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.

Honestly, before I even read this book, deep within inside me, my conscious brain from time to time questioned my love towards Lufthansa Steward. I felt the same feelings/genuine happiness when I met J too. But due to whatever reasons, I decided to not to pursue or care for him anymore. The first half of last year, I struggled to keep distance from his digital world.

The day I met steward, I was like ok, a handsome guy showing interest in me - made my day, I maybe an attractive person. And that's all it was. But later on after few months - my mind magnified the day's events, the moments with him - led me to be in ecstasy, the confidence in me soared, the world looked beautiful than ever(just like the way I felt when I met J).  I was totally happy and no one in the world can make me sad. Like Eckhart said, I was once again whole.

"Brief and elusive glimpses of true love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of ego mind."

I always questioned of how western people fall in and out of love so easily. And how they dare to start from scratch and believe in love once again with a new partner?

Well, now I know the answer. Everybody wants someone to like them, to make them feel precious, to feel the joy of being WANTED. But is that "true love??"

Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of Presence (God within), all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are in love, but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most romantic relationships become love/hate relationships before long.
Love can then turn into
  • savage attack,
  • feelings of hostility, or
  • complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. 
No doubt in my mind, if I was happy with my current situation and life, I would have thought the steward incident as just a happy occurrence and would have laughed on it and would have not made a bid deal out of it. But look at me, wallowing everyday, thinking of losing a soul mate, a person who made me feel like I'm million dollar worth........... I know nothing lasts forever, The things which Mr. Tolle said above is true.

I am not even interested in starting a new life with steward. Then what am I carving for? Well, I don't know. I wanted him to to be in my life to always make me feel like I'm wanted and someone genuinely, effortlessly like me as a person. But he too is a human being and everyday is not same, so what are the chances of no future arguments, disappointments - gradually his priorities, his life will take over mine.

That's why I'm screwed!! I want time to pass quickly so that I can get out of this misery which unconsciously I inflicted on myself.

But then again Mr. Tolle says:

Instead of relying on past or future events, "surrender to what is."  "Say 'yes' to life - and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you. Make Now the primary focus in your life.

A way of learning to dis-identify with the mind is to "end the delusion of time." Our preoccupation with past and future - memory and anticipation - leaves us prisoners of time and our minds. Being focused on the past and/or future prevents us from the Now. Now is the only truly precious thing that matters. There is only Now."

Well, it totally hurts that my meeting with steward is just meaningless - just a coincidence. No one out there!!

This cat taught me an important lesson. When my kids piano class was going on, I saw this cat waiting for my son's shoe laces to that it can play with it. But once my son came to know about cat's plan, he stopped shaking his foot. That's when I noticed the similarity between me and the cat. Like me, at that particular moment  the cat's life was boring..face was dull - sleepy, but once the laces moved, it got so excited like suddenly something awakened its soul - once again like life is interesting. It sat patiently near his feet, with hopeful eyes of when again the laces move for it to have fun-filled life. Waited and waited...but once nothing happened, it went back and sat on the couch with sleepy eyes - almost like Gosh! nothing in the world to make me happy. If I think about life was glamor, no fun, nothing was there to excite my soul...but just like the shoe laces for the cat, steward did the magic for me. Laces did not create a dent to the cat's life but being a human being, my mind played games with me - only to make me a painful soul.