Friday, April 20, 2012

Hell with Arranged Marriages...but again....not so sure

My cousin who got married two weeks ago is not so happy now. Why?

Is the girl not that good looking? NO, Not that reason!
Is she having a bad attitude? NO, Not that reason! she having an affair? Not even that!

then what?

As usual arranged marriage done with much hullabaloo, attended by some five hundred people, even the groom danced along with others on his way to the marriage hall. Then, what went wrong?

According to my cousin, he can't feel for her. He requested her not to sleep next to him. I really can't imagine how the poor girl must be feeling. When he went to check on few girls to find a suitable partner, he felt spark for two girls but he couldn't get married to any of those two as astrology did not match. But with the person whom he got married, even though star signaled everything BRILLIANT, he doesn't not have feelings for her and he declares it to the world after marrying her.

I really don't understand of how he can act like this. Being a Software Engineer, he could have chosen any girl within his age group with the same career choice, but no, sonny boy prefers to get married to whomever momma and papa chooses. Lots of youngsters in India, including me, get into marriage with lots of hesitation or without any notion of what they are getting into. Almost like jumping into the well or a ditch and not knowing whether the ditch has bed of roses or filled with hidden thorns. We don't even think about compatibility or existence of lovey dovey feelings. Nothing! Zilch!! We worry about that later.  If lucky, we find our life partner, beyond our belief in a good way. if not, we compromise for life long. Happy or unhappy, we just drag our lives and increase the family count.

After adhering to Indian formalities and getting married, doesn't he have any responsibility of sticking to his decision by carrying on with marriage life and give her well-deserved happiness which he vowed to her on that marriage day? If they get divorced, without fault of hers, she will be in the column of divorcee. She will get only divorced guys marriage proposals because the virgins won't choose her. Shocking but in future too - she will still go for an arranged marriage and still trust that something better will come along her way.

Even my brother got divorced because of compatibility issues. Because of not finding the husband the way his Ex wanted, she pursued her old affair and told my brother that he is not passionate as the other guy. Conclusion: DIVORCE.

 Now, he is finding hard to get married as lot of girls due to age factor and greasy oily Indian food are not looking attractive. Nowadays. slightly good looking with well educated background and career oriented girl comes with  an attitude of I-CAN-SURVIVE-ON-MY -OWN. No more compromises - either my way or no way.

What happened to those good old days when Indian girls used to adjust and bear the first few years of hell. It really takes lot of compromise and time to get things settle down, to adjust to a new person, in a new environment.

The other day, I was wondering about how things suddenly change for an Indian guy like in his own room where he used to be alone after coming from work, used to do whatever he wanted to and now suddenly, a girl is living with him, observing him, sharing everything with him. Things become lot easier if there is some kind of spark - you will willfully share everything, look forward to come from work and be amazed and happy to find that someone is waiting for you with adoring eyes to take care of you . is just beautiful.

Most of the girls get into marriage with an idea that he would complete you in a way no other relationship could. Not only would your partner always be present when you wanted him, he also would be able to read your mind and thus tend to every emotional need. How beautiful it will be to be awaken daily with your loved one beside you and gaze fondly upon his face.

It never happened with me nor with my sisters. Based on that I can say, lot of arranged marriages stink. Even though, my husband was not the way I envisioned about the way the partner should be, I just slowly but surely accepted my fate. When I got married and came to USA, I used to iron his clothes, used to wave and wait in the balcony until the car vanished but in return, he never used to turn back or wave for one more time before leaving for real. Once he was out of the door, I was out of his world. Few months after marriage, he used to ring up to let me know that he reached safely but that too stopped after we got into fight about him-forgetting-me and not calling to let me know about his whereabouts.

 I truly know about SPARKS - the way you feel when you meet the right one. Of course, I'm talking about the Lufthansa Flight Attendant. I never felt the way I felt for the Lufthansa Flight Attendant when I, first time laid eyes on my husband. There was no spark or unspoken chemistry but sudden dilemma of whether to act on accepting the marriage proposal or toss it off. I was not sure of anything at that tender age of twenty two when I got married. But everybody around me somehow drilled in my brain that this alliance is good for my future and I should say 'YES'.

I know for sure, if my husband filled me up with love, attention and made me feel special, I would have embraced my life and would have not known a thing about depression but he didn't as he had taken his luck for granted and that's what happens in many arranged marriages.

Living in USA made me realize that marriage is such a big deal - finding a right partner and love/affection/respect/compatibility between couple is the most important part of the whole marriage ordeal. Americans  calculatingly marry and still some marriages doom but some represent pure EVERLASTING LOVE.

We met an unmarried couple at my son's soccer practice four years ago. He sincerely used to show up for her son's soccer practice and I kinda understood that they were in a relationship from the get go. Last year as expected they both got married. I have noticed some kind of confidence in him which I didn't see before with the way he was dealing with her son. He was much more involved with her son's soccer. And finally when email came about the season end party, I noticed son's last name has been changed to his last name. Wow! good for him, he adopted him....that's so wonderful...

But then after few months when we went for soccer practice, both were not wearing rings and kept distance from each other but at least still he was attending son's practice. A month ago, I saw him with some girl, rubbing her back, laughing out loud - having good time with her. My husband said , "I was right....they both are out of marriage." I said, "no way - they took time before jumping into marriage, understood each other and took a decision to get married. The girl next to him, might be his long distance cousin or sister." The other day when Dallas experienced severe hail storm, our car took the beating. So when my husband asked this guy whether he too felt the pain of bad weather, that guy coolly said, " no, I was in downtown with my girlfriend". I'm still in shock of how things can turn upside down so fast. What happened to four years of understanding? Four years of togetherness?? The other day, she came to soccer practice with her new boyfriend. They all were talking to each other like nothing happened. And I don't understand a thing. Getting a girlfriend to her son's soccer game after a quick break up from marriage is kinda AWKWARD. Who can do such an inhuman thing? Anyway she is okay and he is okay so why the hell I should have a problem? But I don't get it!!!

 When I got married, I was so ready for a bump to float away into an adult world by having a partner along side who makes everyday of my life beautiful and special by the way he looks, feels and treats me like as if I'm a delicate angel who came into his life to fill up with love love love with her warm welcoming smile. But the thing is he did not want all those. He was a matured person who got married as it was about time to get married and not because he wanted someone's love or affection.

true love
Well, she adjusted and adjusted...even forgot that she needed love or affection or appreciation. Until she met J who slightly bumped her with his attention. She did not figure out that it was a fake bump....all it does was to lift her up to throw her down as hard as possible. Then came Steward, who gave her a real bump and oh yeah, she thinks it is real as he is no where to be found to prove it otherwise. She never met anybody in her life who showed enthusiasm, a delightful in-volunteer expression of I'm-so-glad-to see-you on their face like the way the steward showed when they met for the first time. She never met anybody in her life who tried to gain her attention by his charming looks, sweet talk, making up story to converse or even trying best to have a conversation like the way steward did. The chemistry between them was astonishingly unbelievable. Things would have been different if she made a move based on his direction, but she did not.  She misses him dearly but he has gone far far away.

The other day, I had a chance to tweet to some stranger who was going to fly on Lufthansa to USA from Frankfurt. I wanted to request her to tweet back if the flight attendant for whom I'm searching is there on that flight based on my drawing. But I did not tweet her as it sounds crazy and if at all he is there, he will balk out by saying it was not him on that flight because who wants to get trapped on some feeling they had for someone many many months ago. Maybe those feelings were for only for that day. First of all, I don't believe in myself that someone can fall for me and remember me forever nor I believe in him. Everything changes as everybody is replaceable. Never again I chase or believe in what I see. Gotye's song is the proof.

 Few months ago, I thought that I'll always travel by Lufthansa to India in a hope of meeting him again. But that was when I had hope and belief but not now. I'll not travel again by Lufthansa. Right now, I'm so emotional that even seeing the Lufthansa plane may make me cry or seeing Lufthansa Flight Attendants...even their drinks or snacks.  I don't want to meet him again. I don't want to see a look on his face of seeing or treating me like a stranger.  If I won't go by Lufthansa, I may never step in Frankfurt Airport and that will bother me because I know his every flight journey starts from there...I know he might be right there in some apartment on off days or in that airport getting ready to do his job. Frankfurt is the place where we diverged.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Wish someone invents eye glasses - by wearing it, instantly people around them look unattractive. In that way, I'll never fall for anyone. If someone shows interest on me, it won't be a problem as they look unattractive so I may pass on them instead of wallowing on them.

Last night, when I was thinking about my past, til 2008, if not totally happy, I was content with my life. I enjoyed each and every moment of my time with my kids. From infant to toddler stage, I had so much fun teaching them, taking care of them..just awesome time. I never needed any attention from anyone nor anyone's admiration. Feeling-to-be-loved  or life-has-become-mundane was not at all in my thoughts.

After coming back from India in 2007, I stopped keeping bindi (a black/red rod on forehead)..thinking that it doesn't go well with the  western attire. Suddenly last night like a flash of light, it struck me - the reason for my unhappiness from past four years., not keeping the bindi is not the root cause of my depression but things which happened after I stopped keeping bindi. YOUNG MEN started noticing me, started giving me attention. In 2007, when we were in midst of winter vacation in Taos, New Mexico, a handsome young guy zoomed right into my face and gave me a look with eye capturing smile. Well, I was stunned but thank God, I did not lose my heart for him, Later in early 2008 at my kids learning-to-swim place, every young guy wanted to talk to me, wanted my attention....I was like what the hell is happening with me. Realizing this sudden development, I started applying makeup...til then no makeup....just a simple girl. Among all those guys, I liked J as he looked decent, mannerly, kid friendly guy. I had my doubts about his age, but slowly and slowly, I was falling for him and I was pretty sure, he too, in spite of knowing about me being with a partner...he too was falling. I was happy, thrilled and the world never looked that beautiful but it was all at the beginning of the attention period but after few months, I started developing anxiousness - a kind of unexplainable fear of losing, sadness....almost like getting wrapped and pulled by a fierce force. I was lost forever. Well, if you read my past'll understand how my situation was.

Mindy Kaling, an Emmy nominated writer and an actress mentioned in her book
"the sexiest in the world is the feeling that you're wanted." I totally agree with her. That too the way I led invincible life for so long, a fresh breath of air suddenly showing that I'm capable of being loved was just amazing thing I've ever experienced.   

I don't believe in makeup anymore after my non-makeup 10 hour encounter with Lufthansa Steward. If someone finds you attractive or feel connected, they find it for whoever you're and however you're. Each passing day, I'm missing him more and more. I can't help. I see him in every plane in the sky, in every steward's flight related tweets. I wish God makes me to come in his dreams and make him long for me, like the way he does with me. Other than meeting him, I really don't have any desires of interacting with anybody. No friends or neighbors...just no one. I received an invitation for school reunion but I don't want to go. I feel like no one understands me. I'm becoming an introvert. I just want to see him again. I want to see the smile, the twinkle in his eye, the warmth feeling of looking at his familiar face....the feeling of someone really likes you.......

I'm not a Buddhist but Buddhism is a close sister of Hinduism - desire, Buddhists refer to craving pleasure, material goods, and immortality, all of which are wants that can never be satisfied. As a result, desiring them can only bring suffering. So, the more I desire for him, the more I suffer but I can't help.
I feel like going to Frankfurt Airport to distribute my drawing to every shopkeeper in front of the Lufthansa gate to keep an eye on every steward and once they find him, request him to email me to get in touch with me (Giving a phone no. is dangerous.). Oh yeah, I have lot of crazy ideas like taking Gregg's help, Lufthansa frequent travelers help....the list goes on. Well, I don't wish to be stupid or a maniac or delusional or stalker........I can work on my creepy ideas but in the end who knows if I lose his respect for chasing him then what?!?! I really wish I had that much self-belief on my looks to have nerve to think that I'm still in his thoughts.  I know its in hands of God. Popular belief among Hindus is - not even a leaf moves without God's will! I totally agree.

I want to write every thought of mine to laugh about it later. Actually I never laugh at my fumbles... I despise. Like the way, Steward erased the pain J inflicted on me, maybe someday, something will erase Steward too ............well, not sure for now. But I don't regret meeting him.

The Wanted's Glad You Came:

The sun goes down,the stars come out,
And all that counts is here and now,
My universe will never be the same,
I'm glad you came, I'm glad you came.
You cast a spell on me, spell on me
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me

One other thing, I noticed that Indian movie songs are more or less based on good feelings, dreams, pure love, longing compare to American songs which are more based on break ups. Switch on to any radio channel to know what I'm talking. Adele made a hit album based on her break up. So....

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