Thursday, March 8, 2012


I can't believe myself that I dragged a ten hour saga with steward for 275 days. I'm going to put full stop to dreaming of re-meeting him. I don't want to believe in destiny or the moment/meeting was more than just a coincidence. I've to start believing that where I'm now in my life is that's where I belong. There is no handsome knight coming along to swoop me from my troubles. First of all, I don't have to worry whether I'll meet him again...if we are meant to be, we will....just like my painting. I did not think while drawing Jude Law, that somehow my drawing will lead me to the steward whom I'll be meeting in the future. I doubt myself thinking that my brain is just making fool out of me but every time, I stare at the portrait, it reminds me of his glance.

Is it fluke or a auspicious sign to draw a portrait of a person before you even meet him???
I was reading this novel "Barcelona calling". To my surprise, the character in the book meets a Spaniard in Barcelona and falls head over heels for him. But unlike me and the steward, they share contact details. Even though, he proposes to her to stay back, she refuses and comes back to USA. She says no to him because she is scared of getting lost in his traditions and his desire of not having his own kids as he is a cop. Even though, he thinks he can sacrifice anything for her but later on comes to conclusion that he can't sacrifice everything for her - leaving Barcelona or having kids. Finally at the end, she falls for her editor and he goes back to Spain.

A particular line caught my attention:

When two elementary particles merely brushed against each other, they are each forever changed, no matter how far apart the time and space separates them afterwards.

While reading the above sentence, I thought - wow, it is possible that maybe steward's life changed after meeting me.. I was so disappointed with the ending - the first time meeting, the glances, the feelings, desires for one another, the longing, has completely gone, once she met the editor.

In the same way, steward, by now, might have met so many girls that it is highly likely that he doesn't think of our union on that beautiful Spring day. And for this kind of possibility existing, me wallowing on him is utterly stupidity.  One more time, I proved that longing for someone or falling in love is temporary, nothing to be taken serious.

Suppose, I went to the galley to talk to him as per his desire:

We greet each other by giving handshake and introducing ourselves.

Steward: Hi, I am so and so.
Me: Hello, I am ....

Steward: So, where are you heading to?
Me: To my parents home in India. How about you?

Steward: One day layover in Frankfurt and then back to my hometown Barcelona for a week long break and then somewhere

Me: Why don't you be on Frankfurt to Dallas flight on Aug 18th flight, in that way, we can meet each other again? ha ha...

Final Journey Together.....
Steward: ha ha...sounds good. I may try that.

Me: Really? It is possible...

Steward: Sure, I can try. Give me your phone number, in case, I can't make it.

Me: Na...If you want to meet again, you've to try. I'll give my number on August 18th.

Steward: When is your connecting flight? We can have a cup of coffee or something.

Final Goodbye!!

Me: I don't think so...remember, this flight departed an hour, I've to rush and go through security again as I might have to head to another terminal. 

Me: See you on August 18th. Well, nice to meet you. Bye!!
Steward:  Like wise. See you! Bye!

Just like the Ethan Hawke's movie, if he won't be on Aug 18th flight then.....chapter closed. Even if he was there, he will see my kids and will come to know my marital status. Will he agree to be my friend - just friend. Well, that's why, I have no future with him. People, feelings - everything can change, just like seasons. Like the above movie, for both partners to hold feelings for years is just strange and rare.

I don't ever want to fall for anybody or give my heart to anybody....this is the end. I'll not dream about love or the desire of someone admiring me or need me.

A week ago, while I was talking to my sister over the phone, she said about how she was getting addicted to some Indian Hindi TV series which is based on falling in love, attraction....

I told her that it is better to avoid as they will lead you to believe in so-called "unconditional love" or mesmerize you to believe in love-at-first-sight...all that crap, which really doesn't exist in the real world. But she argued with me about how it takes her away from mundane life and makes her laugh about unrealistic relationships.

But as a matter of fact, the way I'm right now is because of watching too many movies based on "LOVE". I heard numerous songs based on unconditional love, the guy who never gives up, chases, fights until he finds the beloved one. But in real life, look at me and the Steward, both have accepted our fate and moving along with our lives.

I asked my sister - should I say what's on my mind...She said, "yeah, sure!".

Then I said, "If I meet the steward again, for sure, it confirms that he is my soul mate as how rare it is to draw someone's portrait and that person turns up in front of you. Even though, I tried to draw Jude Law, but I actually ended up drawing Steward , whom I didn't meet by that time. The way he looked at me in the plane matches totally with the way the above portrait looks at me. Do you think that was the reason, I felt like - I know him from longtime?" And then I told her, "If I meet him again, oh boy - I'll going to believe in destiny and run away with him. All that belief in love when I was a teenager, will turn up true!!! I reached this stage where at least for an hour if my belief on love comes true, I'm ready to die.

Infertility in Women
Geez! my sister got annoyed over me and started saying  - whose dreams are coming true that you want to give up on something which is not ever real. Be realistic!! Do you think you are the only one with pain? What about my dreams of having kids? Do you know how much it pains to live each and every day, knowing that I may never become a mom?

Yes, you've my sympathy, but, I can't imagine all the emotional thoughts which are running in your head. That's how human beings are and no wonder, they say, put yourselves in other shoes. It is just tough to understand the magnitude of others pain. Well, that said, she should not say that I'm unrealistic. Of course, I know the reality and that was the reason, I did not have the needed courage to go and talk to him in the galley. Because, I know my boundaries. And I know that even if we meet, chances of him - liking me and handling the baggage with which I come is extremely rare. I KNOW THAT!!!!

Only one question comes to my brain is how rare it is draw someone whom you're about to meet in person and when it happens, you're about to develop feelings for him. I worked so hard to get that look in his eyes and to my astonishment, that's the way he looked at me with the same glow and with the same familiar face. The look on this portrait reminds me of that day on the plane, when I saw him for the first time - he was dressed up in the same way, wearing suit, same way - nicely combed hair, same glance with a naughty smile which you give to someone-you-know or glad-to-meet-you kind of look and that unwavering eye contact. I can cheat myself by greeting him everyday while he greets me back with loving smile and glad-to-see-you eyes or I can hide this portrait and run away from being stupid.

Faith in God!
Maybe I'll meet him when he is in his 30's - slight
wrinkles with matured face like the way the portrait is. Maybe I drew the future. I think of not believing in destiny and most certainly not live imaginary life, but if you think of God - we believe blindly without any real proof. So, why can't I believe on someone who makes me happy and always smiles at me like he is glad-to-see me. Only problem is he won't speak from the portrait just like the way it was on June 7th because of no privacy but here I sit right in front of him and he won't speak anything irrespective of privacy or not.

Of course God does the same. But we still have FAITH and undeterred belief that he is listening and watching.

That's it, I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over - if we're meant, we'll meet again. To tell you the truth, my heart totally believes that I'll meet him again but brain wise, a loud "NO".

No more on steward anymore, here in this blog. I don't believe in anything, especially my heart. I am done!!!!!  Let things happen.............till then Bye Steward!!!

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