Thursday, February 23, 2012

Zombies are coming!!

I'm so damn depressed with my situation. The undesirable/hateable in-laws are going to come in May. Just now, found about it. Not going to stay for one or two days but GOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD, six months. That means, 2012 going to be just awful. One more year of wasteful life. Going to be a hell for me. Nothing good happens...a dot of good means ocean of hell. I just hate my life. I just can't run away from this marriage and its formalities.

Why can't I run away? No privacy to do anything anymore. Just cook and hear critics concocted comments  24/7 for six months. On top of that, I've to see my so-called husband's stupid antics to prove his abhorring love for his parents by treating me worthless. They'll be traveling by my beloved Lufthansa airlines. Lufthansa, don't do that to me. Dump them some where, in some other country.

This is the time, I miss my friend, the STEWARD. Wish he could come and rescue me. Wish he could come and cheer me up. Show me something positive. Show me something which is worth to live. All I can see is his familiar looking face, without any response. Please someone take me somewhere or give me some medicine to make me unconscious for six months. So much of my life, went in arguments, heart breaks, hopelessness, worthlessness...he was the spark in my life, who gave me a hope of love and like. These are the reasons, his sign of interest over me, made me to believe that he is my pal. But God, I know, the world doesn't work that away. People just flirt and no one is anybody's soul mates.

I just want to fly like an airplane without strings attached, just free with nothing to drag on but God, my life's incidents are like heavy chains which are dragging my soaring wings down, to dip me into sorrowful life with no charm, no affection, no sweet-talk, no friendship, no helping hand but just misery. I want to laugh, chill out and enjoy life  but shackles of my life want to drown me into empty pit of unlovable life.

Even though physically he is not present, but guiding me to some positive light. I'm just going to hold on to him and positive thoughts which are related to him, until he proves it otherwise. He is my lucky charm. I'm going to ride away my darkest hours with his positive thoughts. I don't ever want to forget the way he filled me up with happiness. Even now, being in this sad state and with heavy heart, all I can see is his smile which is giving me assurance that everything will be okay. Chest is paining. I am not afraid to die.

Not once, my husband fought for me, its always others and their priorities. If not for kids, I would love to hug death. I've totally no hope that something best will happen. I don't see anything that can make me be happy. Meeting steward again, scares me up. My expectations and dreams on him is so high. Meeting him again, may damage those dreams, he may hurt me. Next time, when we meet, he may not even like me or my mannerisms or my life status or looks or may not even recognize. Who knows... he may turn up as an insensitive guy like J. He may not mind to hurt me with insensitive comments. He maybe vulgar/alcoholic/abusive. Who knows? But I believe that he is a nice, sensitive, pleasant and ambitious guy. But who knows....I always meet guys when they are on-duty. Nonetheless,  I was totally impressed by his fluent accent-less English. And if he is a Spaniard, then totally blown away by his effort in learning German to get a job at Lufthansa. Well, that shows that he has plan for his life and he knows how to achieve it. He too might have thought I'm this and that but when he knows the true-me, of course, he'll be totally disappointed in me. So, yep, I don't want to meet.

Sometimes, I think of how good it will be to die, then, I can see him, one more time - his smile, his mannerisms from high above so-called place 'Heaven'(assumption).

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