Thursday, January 19, 2012

Whaaaaz up!!


Learned how to do Pewter style Metal Text effect in Photoshop. Learned how to do animated gifs and created a new avatar for my twitter. Yay! Only one problem, I can't enjoy my own creation as my avatar doesn't show up in my iTouch/iPad >:-/ (Even this emoticon I learned while checking for :D)

Too bad can't upload animated gif to my blogger profile. I read too many people hate animated gif's as it messes up with eyes/brain. Whatever....but I like my creation and you might've guessed the reason for choosing those five words.

I dedicate this to Lufthansa Flight Attendant.

New Adventures:

For the first time in my life, I went to a dance club with my girl pals and came back home at 1:30 P.M. Can't believe myself but I danced away without feeling shy/awkward. Felt embarrassing at the beginning to dance infront of guys who were just sitting at their tables but later I loosened myself after having a glass of margarita. At the beginning, only girls danced....AWKWARDDDD.... but later on guys joined...looked cool or normal like the way world is supposed to me, guys and gals. I never looked anywhere other than just getting immersed myself to the dance beats. I was surprised to see that there was not much space to dance in the Lebanese restaurant/club or the second bar, we hit after awhile. Lebanese music almost sounded like Indian music but I enjoyed dancing for American popular dance mix songs as I am familiar with those songs which are almost played everyday on local radio station. I was shocked to see my friends dancing almost like lesbians to just get attention from the guys. After sometime, I thought that's how the club culture might be. I just had fabulous time without my husband and did not miss him as any way he won't dance but missed being as a couple as it would have been cool to dance like a couple, seeing each other's face.


  • Alec Baldwin

Because of following Alec Baldwin on twitter, my whole family got hooked up to Zynga's Words With Friends app. Hilarious conversation happened between me and Alec Baldwin's girlfriend. Alec tweeted to his girlfriend publicly about his frozen hug to her as he was in Canada. I noticed him tweeting to that name before too. So, I became curious and googled her name then I came to know that she is his girlfriend who is twenty five years younger to him. So, I replied to his tweet by saying: wow, just like the movie "It's complicated: real life just like Hollywood movie". To my surprise she tweeted me back by saying "It’s not so complicated 4 us." My first celebrity encounter.....woohoo!

  • Twitter Steward

Click below to see the twitter conversation between me and twitter steward. I guess that's how guys approach in bars and start off the conversation. Anyway, I got out of it as I did not want to encourage his thoughts to have a date with me or have a notion of meeting if he ever comes to my part of the town. I started twitter in hope of finding Lufthansa Flight Attendant and did not think that I was portraying myself as if I'm available for guys to hit on me. Now, I want to depict truly myself but it is too late as we both are kind of twitter friends. Click on the picture to make the text visible.

For some reason, lot of porn related people follow and unfollow. Once, I tweeted about my lunch at Corner Bakery and right popped a message from Corner Bakery about how I can personalize my order. Felt really good about personal attention but that proved that how curious, the restaurants are about restaurant's reputation and provide top notch: customer service. Kudos!! Corner Bakery is following me in hope of me following them and their news, but I can't as what will I do with too many tweets. I can't justify following them if I don't read or reciprocate to their tweet. I'm really hooked up to it, constant news/celebrity messages and I respond to whatever tweet I feel like even though no one bothers to reply. What amazes me is people just add them to their list but no one bothers to reply and sometimes I feel like I'm intruding in their life if I reply to every tweet. So, I just keep quite.


Now a days, he all the time preaches or sighs about how things work at home. Constant nagging about disciplining kids or how I should provide dinner before eight or why I should sit along with my daughter while she practices piano or how house is not being cleaned. This or that. I want to do in a relax manner and not make myself like a robot by constantly watching time. Things will get done somehow someway. Constant sighs just annoys me.

On top of that, he purposefully irritates me by being physical. I'm not talking about bed.... but like groping at wrong time of the day. It makes me feel like worthless/disrespective but he won't care. He just takes pleasure in insulting me like that and keep on says that I don't like him. How can I if he keep on doing things to annoy me purposefully. If kids fight/talk-back, I've to discipline them. I've to be the bad cop. He is only to console the kids.

One night, I had a glass of red wine while watching some movie. I felt like my mind and body was relaxed. After we watched the movie, he was in the mood for casual sex as I was relaxed, I cooperated with him. The next day, I noticed him not being fussy and much happier with his environment. But do you know, once men get what they want, even if the night gets cold, he’ll not be bothered to cuddle anymore.

I really have no interest in sex. Once he forwarded me an article on why women won’t initiate sex. When I asked him why, he said because women don’t want to come across as sluts. I told him that when I feel good about myself, I may feel like having sex but otherwise it looks more like a labor work.

Flight Attendants Life:

Because twitter steward's blog and his twitter followers, I know a whole lot about life of Flight Attendants. I had so much respect prior to coming across blogs and tweets related to their life but not anymore. They all the time flirt, talk vulgar, total show off of what we see about their mannerisms, smile, friendliness....they back talk, trash talk about passengers, always prowl or in a hunting mood, lonely and crave for attention by portraying themselves vulgarly on social media as anonymous. Of course, some old and wise are there, but they are less to be found.

I never thought about

  • how Flight Attendants have fear of dying in a plane crash and how often they get those dreams

  • how they have wacky sleep patterns.

  • how fourth of their year/life will be spent in hotel rooms and for safety reasons, you’ll not find them on bottom floor. The hotel should have food available 24/7

  • how they hate when someone asks job related questions.

  • how they fight for jump seats.

  • irrespective of their life choices, stewards are labeled as Gays.

  • how they misuse the hotel rooms facilities like doing things which they don’t want to do at home like dying hair or having period sex. YUCK!

  • how they hook up with locals and set up relationships wherever they go – poor lonely souls.

  • No steady home, long layoffs, lot of time in hand.

  • how they make crew juices with leftover alcohol

  • how they can't have steady relationship especially when they are commuters.

  • how they all the time hit bars, drink mercilessly, take medicines to get over next day headaches, depend on sleeping pills - to present themselves again with smiling faces on duty days.

  • how they have their own social get-togethers : thanks to social media.

  • how they can earn money if customers pay using cash on dutyfree products and later charge it on their card to earn 15% on the customer-bought-product : thanks to 15% employee discount.

But the twitter steward is a smart guy, blogs well with lot of humor involved - getting ready to publish a book, keeps himself busy by taking professional quality pictures from all over the world and thereby trying to sell online. Blogs sometimes with sexual related content/vulgar words, just to look cool, I guess and to prove his manliness. At least from his blog, I came to know he had a girlfriend a decade ago and how TV used to rescue when the room was filled with silence because of disagreements.


What "Love" means to me: Please listen to the music of the below video. Whenever I hear this music, I visualize like I'm dancing away to this beautiful melody, deeply involved in my partner like no one is around or nothing to me and my partner trying to say the deeply hidden emotional feelings just through our eyes and gently swaying to the music like we are one......

One day, I woke up with this song called "Jabili Kosam" playing in my head as in my dreams I heard Lufthansa steward singing for me. It totally freaked me out. The last time, I heard this song was, at least fifteen years ago. God only knows, how my brain pulled this out. The lyrics goes like this...

I waited for you like the sky waits for the moon

I have sang this as a song out of the restless of not seeing you

you are there, I am here, song is here, voice is there but all the time our hearts are united.

these flowers as your smiles

these stars as your eyes

these shining buds are like your cheeks

floating in these imaginations, song like message through the clouds

I have sent to you, please come.

your love has become a penance for me by enchanting your name

meditating on you has become a boon from so many days

Even though you are not physically present, mentally-you are still here,

Even though, I'm physically present, mentally-I'm not here

you are the form for my cherished dreams

though you are far away, you are my support

Even your shadow is mine.

Whatever is called mine is only you

I waited for you like the sky waits for the moon

I waited for you.

This is how my brain plays games with me. Whenever I converse with twitter steward, my brain almost gives me an illuson like as if I'm conversing with Lufthansa Steward. I had to repeat to myself, he is not him, he is not him....thanks to twitter steward's avatar which keeps me in reality.

There is this one song called " Main Koi Aisa Geet Gaoon", which truly portrays the feelings Lufthansa steward ignited in me by his mesmerizing unspoken looks towards me.

Should I sing such a song that awakens your desires...only if you say so

Should I call your name or should I just lay my eyes on you.... every step of your way

Should I make ground look like a sky and decorate it with stars, only if you say so

Should I race after butterflies or should I chase fireflies

one is color the other is light, should I get both of them to you?

how much ever fragrance one finds in a garden,

I'll get for you wherever you're

anywhere you pause for just a moment, should I make that place into a garden, only if you say so

If you ask me, I'll tell you beautiful, lovely stories.

Should I tell you a story of an angle like you or should I tell a story related to prince meeting a princess...

I can take you to paradise, to the streets where the story took place, only if you say so

Should I sing such a song that awakens your desires...only if you say so

Should I call your name or should I just lay my eyes on you.... every step of your way

Should I make ground look like a sky and decorate it with stars, only if you say so

That's how I fantasized all throughout my life about love and about me finding a guy like him. That dream was in dormant state for a decade until I met J. For no reason, I went through misery (you'll know, if you've read my last year's first half of the year posts). When my dreams were squished, when so called "love" turned out to be fake and meaningless, Lufthansa steward came from nowhere and awakened the feelings....totally all over again. I felt like doing exercise, to keep myself into shape, smile all over my face......everything looked so beautiful....felt everything was in my grip.

Infinite times, I thanked God, for not making me find him online or else I would've proved myself one more time how lunatic I'm. I don't want to believe in love or day dream about him. I don't want to believe that a slight thought about me is there somewhere in his brain. Definitely not after what I read about their kind of life and in one post of his blog, the twitter steward advises stewards not to lose heart when you can't get a passenger's phone number as next batch of passengers hop on, you'll find someone who falls for your free alcohol and gives off her number. So many pretty people, all over the world and the best part is they all can be in touch(thanks to social media) and are available for any kind of relationship. So why on Earth, he will miss or think about me. I don't ever want to believe in that song even though that's my favorite and renews hope every time, I hear, but NO, THANKYOU GOD! I don't want to be a fool. NO MORE! In McDonald's new commercial, I see a guy-the older of him, especially, this guy's eyes. Damn, I can't find the video online.

My teenage years, I grew up with love songs. So, never under any circumstance when I got married, did not think, for a second that my partner will be a critic of me, my background or my family or who will hit me on my birthday for not opening his parents birthday card. But now, when this steward came into my life, I recollected the dream once I had. I can say "dream came true", the day, the steward after how many ever months or years, sees me and remembers the journey we took together on Jun 7th. I think that day will be the happiest day of my life. I think that day all the above songs will have meaning in my life. I think that day I can declare to the world that love exists in this world and everybody can dare to dream of finding someone special.


Women always prefer tall, dark, handsome guys, but I don't. I always fall for cuteness. I don't like rough looking men. I don't like older men and even for them, I'm invisible. Whoever lays eyes on me are guys who are in 20's.
Older men lose sensitivity, charm, humor and see too much negativity and start whining. In one of his blog posts, the twitter steward mentions about how sensitive he used to be when he was in 20's and used to write poetry in his journal about feelings...

In his own words, reflecting about love life and having feelings....

"....but I remember how I felt. I felt a lot like it sounded- very scattered and confusing but at least I knew I was feeling something, I just didn’t know what to do with it. I don’t seem to feel things like that anymore. In some ways I wish more than anything that I could go back to that time when everything was possible and the future was wide open. Then again, in other ways, there isn’t enough money in the world.
I was much deeper then. I’ve become more shallow with age:)"

These lines of him in the blog touched the chord of fear and sadness in me as I feel the Lufthansa Flight Attendant being young in 20's had 'kinda love' feelings towards me but next time when we meet, he may lose his innocence, the belief on love, maybe alcoholic, sex addict, wanderer,......

In his own words, Twitter-steward's after-breakup-feelings...

"Do dreams and infatuations really go that far before it all gets redundant? Is this it? Is this that’ll break through? There’s still soul in my screams; devotion in that sacred old notion."

I sometimes, wish Lufthansa steward to quit being a steward. Chances of seeing may again will become bleak, but I don't want him to become like twitter-steward. I want him to believe in having dreams, achieving dreams...just to have patience until life transforms to something better and worthy enough to live every day. I want him to be happy, achieve all of his dreams, lead a beautiful, prosperous life and would love to see exactly the way I saw him in JUNE - a happy person.

Through twitter, I came across another steward. Whenever he tweets or blogs, I feel like I'm following Glee's Chris Colfer. And even sometimes, I feel like he is a Lufthansa Steward as for some reason I feel from his way of communications as someone who has love-for-life, enthusiastic, who sees brightness wherever he steps.... just happy, happy..HAPPY.

Even though, he is not listed in my follow list, I tweeted to him mentioning above thoughts....and he thanked me and said "I am am very happy guy! :-)"

Words With Friends:

I'm so addicted to this game. Look what my opponent did to me. I still did not finish this game. I had 100+ lead at one point of time. He never gives up. We play back and forth, and now, if he wins this game, we'll be 3-3. Not only me, kids too got hooked up to this game. I'm playing while I'm writing for this post..haha..

Profanity in PRIMETIME:

Really, how are we supposed to keep our kids away from bad words, bad world when the culture declares it as cool, hip, edgy to use profanity. From award shows to comedy to song lyrics, all you hear beep least, they beep. I'm glad for that.


I don't know the reason but I always feel pity for myself and on others. Forget feeling pity on myself but I've no right to feel pity on others when I don't even know the whole scenario about others life.

I feel so sorry for Twitter Steward and I hate for feeling sorry. Whenever he contacts me, I start feeling sorry and saying to myself - a loner: trying to find a partner or to bond with someone...alone watching movies at night or spending whole night at different bars or countless lonely nights or unresponsive tweets. I feel overwhelmed and angry when I feel sorry. Why can't I just accept the way his life is? Why do I've to think that his life is in sorry state? Actually, who is totally happy in this world?

Anyway, when I tweeted about what's happening in words with friends game, he sent private message asking me to play with him. When I don't get response to my tweets or replies, I feel like no one in the world cares for me, like as if I'm invisible and on top of that twitter doesn't show up my reply with other replies for the same tweet. Weird and don't even know the reason.

Anyway, when I'm getting response from him, I should be happy, right? I really would like to have a friend, to just have casual tweet replies and totally be just a twitter acquaintence, but I become nervous about him showing interest in me - who knows if he asks for meeting face to face or God forbid, ask for a date. When I set up that account, I did not think about my marital status or how I come across. I just wanted to contact Lufthansa and to let them know about my search. At one point of time, I got so fed up with too much of flight attendants life, I thought to unfollow him and thought it will not make a difference as my assumption was that airline people like to be in their own world and with their own kind of people.

I'm pretty sure that he is interested to date the twitter-me. How can I come out of it? Should I delete the account? When he wanted to play words with friends with me, I just said..oh you're too good for me and refered two other user names. One among them is myself... he doesn't know....hahaha...

He tweeted back saying...

"hmm, well I think I'm already involved in too many games, but if you want to give it a go, bring it on!!! haha"

Aaaahhhh...I can play with him but while playing, he may chat and leave messages then we'll become close to eachother...and then one final day, casually he'll say, I'm coming to u wanna meet?

Thinking itself is making me cringe. Sometimes I feel like telling him that I'm married but what'll he think about my profile descriptionm my on going search for Lufthansa steward. God.....that's why, I should've never replied to his tweets or be funny. I totally understand his interest in finding a life partner or time being partner but I'm not the right candidate. Aaahhhhhhhhhh....DOOMED!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Quite An Adventure

Along with family and friends, I went on a twelve hour road trip from Dallas to Colorado. I always loved long drives - loud music, wide roads, open skies, stopovers at gas stations, buying some snacks, word games, arguments, discussions...all part of the journey. And if you've kids, things get crazy but have to take it all in stride and accept it as a part of life. Kids had company with books and electronic gadgets, kept themselves busy. I had Steve Jobs biography and for the first time, I read it all with willingness; not with boredom I remind you but with passion, totally engrossed myself in his life's adventures.

There was a slight set back to our plan as recent southwest storm made the I-40 to be closed indefinitely. We panicked as we already booked hotel rooms, train tickets....but thanks to Google maps we found an alternate route using state highway and luckily the highway was nicely cleaned by snow plovers so no risk of any accidents.

Next day, we planned for our ski adventure. Even though, I skied four years ago in a beginner's level, even this time to it will be a beginners’ class. The long road trip made us to wake up late. So, by the time we reached ski area, it was afternoon, that means, we have to enroll in half days class. We quickly enrolled kids, as they had their friends, so no whining. Awesome!

Time for adults to enroll, my heart started beating fast as based on my last experience, I had tougher time to carry the weightage of ski shoes and equipment and walk on higher elevations. I still remember the fainting/queasy feeling. All those thoughts were on my mind. As we were there, have to somehow participate in the ski adventure, uneasy or not. Once enrolled, the instructor told us to carry the equipment and I was like OMG! now, the terrible torture begins. Anyway by huffing and puffing, I reached the private beginners ski area. I was not feeling well, couldn't concentrate even though tried my best to hear the instructor. We did few small slides and learned stopovers. Within an hour, the instructor decided to take us on the lift, I was like - is he sure? I'm not even comfortable on this less inclined will I manage, sliding from higher elevation. To reach lift, we have to walk at least fifty steps to reach higher elevated place with ski equipment and heavier ski shoes. The same feeling which I felt four years ago, was coming back....I was sweating, feeling dizzy....but still kept on going...felt like to give up and thought its only for people who are healthy enough to walk and who have stamina to carry these heavy equipments and still able to walk on higher elevation.

I knew for sure, the instructor was getting impatient with my slowness. I reached the lift and as it started going up, crossing valleys...I was like - oh God, why I'm going through whom to I going to kill myself.....Lift is reaching the destination where I need to get off. Everything happens pretty fast in ski'll not have time to settle, lifts have to move quickly otherwise the skiers will spend time only to get on to the lifts. To my surprise, the place where I get down is not a flat ground but a sloppy one, in that way, the skier slides fast and will not be in the way of the lift. Due to me being panic stricken, I fell on my bum....quickly helpers reached and lifted me up. There I meet this middle aged helper/instructor who decides to become my personal instructor and teaches me by giving me pointers of how to stop, how to slow down....with his instructions, I started feeling comfortable but still was scared. Once we slid and reached the lift entrance, I requested to come along with me, for which he agreed. He instructed me to keep my poles in the front to get the needed balance while getting down from the lift. I tried my best but when I was almost about to fall, he had to rescue me by giving support to my bum which was quite an embarrassment. I just ignored and never gave him any look of something-embarrassing-happened.

Holly crap! when I reached the hotel, the dreadful thing happened...PERIODS!! Aww! sucks! how am I gonna enjoy my vacation. Next day, my kids had pretty good day - enjoyed skiing and really did pretty well. Me and my husband went out to tour the town. We went for a long drive, took beautiful pictures and had lunch at a very nice authentic mexican restaurant.

I made up my mind to enjoy and go on ski adventure even though I will be on a third day of menstruation cycle. I took Ibuprofin and with pounding heart enrolled myself to next class. Interestingly, I came across the same guy who helped me on the first day. I was so delighted to see him that I blurted out saying - I'm so glad that you will be my instructor. He said nice to see you again...are you still in begginers class...blah blah...sorry your instructor is over there.

The young instructor struggled a lot to remember my name. He taught the basics very well and even said we may even go on the intermediate lift. I was excited but still I was nervous about getting off the lift. So, I asked him to come along with me on the lift but the other person showed disinterest in learning so, he went off to rescue her and to make things interesting for her. But luckily another woman instructor said she will come with me. I was like 'Thank God'.We had a good discussion while traveling on the lift about caste system in India and what I like about being in America. Time to get off the lift, but thanks to her: no fall...woohoo!

On the slopes, she left me to myself and I was awfully slow and too careful. I was like maybe I'm too old to feel the thrill of skiing or taking risk. While I was having lunch, I was sick with upset stomach, dizziness and headache. But still did not want to give up. What's the use of giving up and sitting idle...when rest of the humans are having thrill/time of their life?

I requested the young instructor to help me and told him that I'm losing interest and not finding any thrill. Other woman as expected dropped out of the class. We started the class with eleven students but by afternoon, only five left. I got the instructors attention and he made me to be the first skier in the queue. That's when things started becoming interesting. What I understood is I needed attention: to someone to see and recognize my progress. While going up on the lift, after seeing my husband who was busy in taking pictures, he asked me, how old I am. He asked whether I have kids. Even before this discussion, I noticed loss of interest in teaching. Understandably, its hard to teach adults, sometimes you've to help them to lift when they fall, fix up their skiers if they come off....pretty boring for a young guy. Because of the first day's instructor, I was able to get off the lift on my own using the tip about how-to-keep-the-poles-to-find-the-balance. All I have to do is keep the poles horizonatlly holding with both hands, right in front of me while getting off the lift and keep my body in forward motion. I felt good about my progress. Then we learned about slithering like a snake, making wider turns, stopping at any moment...basically having control. It was fun but wish I had someone to make it more playful and exciting.

Once I removed the goggles and few more extra layers around my neck and with the help of slight wind in the air, my dizziness, sweatiness disappeared. I was even able to carry my own equipment to rental area without my husband's help but made two trips by

first dropping off shoes as it is pretty hard to walk with them on the snow - always chance to fall.

Should have skied with kids after the class as I was gaining confidence on my ability to ski but decided to just be happy with what I acheived.

On our fifth day, we went to enjoy the best part of the trip - the train journey. Being a train lover, it was the most fascinating enjoyable six hour journey on snowy mountains: looking over valleys, streams, tall trees.....the best train trip ever.