Friday, December 2, 2011

Found Love In A Hopeless Place

Hopeless Place
Last Tuesday, I went to see this movie "Like Crazy". By the time movie ended, I was speechlessly emotional. It just reminded me of if things were different in my life, I would have had same kind of love in my life with the Flight Attendant. I would have just dwelled myself in that kind of love with him 24/7/365 and I feel, he too might have been same. Based on what I know about myself, like the way I believe in LOVE, like the way I believe in someone, I could have just slipped in to this movie character. During their first few meetings, there were unspoken communication but still understood by each other, only through eyes - you try to pass some kind of message about inner feelings. I really like that. It really happens, when you've some unexplainable feelings...during that time only eyes can speak. I just love love innocent love which is not based on sex or lust but pure love to be with that special person.

What makes me lose heart and feel gloomy is, the way movie shows about these two characters having this unconditional, emotional love and finally like the way it usually happens and of course based on my experience of how I reached to the conclusion that this unspeakable love for someone exists forever but somehow cannot come out or cannot be talked anymore as some things or rifts which happen overtakes the love and by which these two people will not express truly their angst even though true love and longing exist. The movie proves that the love journey is great at the beginning-phase, you chase and feel miserable till you get it but once you get it, expectations overtake love, the pain overtakes indescribable love. "Love" becomes so crazy that jealousness overtakes your thinking, you become obsessed about the person that any time if there is a bit of difference in communication, you feel the racing of the heart, the anxiety, too much unexplainable emotions. Painful to go through emotions of being in love and face disappointments/uncertainties. Even if everything is alright, the distance magnifies the minor mistakes into a huge glacier.

At one instance after six months of separation, when the girl receives a great career news, she wanted to let him know. She texts him about the news and even sends him a message saying "I miss you", and even though he misses her and types the message, but quickly changes his mind of not sending. OMG! at that time, my heart cringed. I forced myself out to not-to-cry, otherwise, I would have had literally cried in the theater. At the end of the movie, even though they meet, there was sadness all over. The great joy of getting together was not there. Both have to picture their beginning moments of their love journey to feel how much they loved each other, how they have outgrown from their innocent, unstoppable, indescribable love and longing for each other and how much they have changed.

I suppress my feelings as I've no way to go but if I let myself out, I can become crazy with overbearing feelings for the Flight Attendant. I don't know whether it is love or the feeling of being in love or I see the promise of unconditional 24/7/365 love of just being involved in each other without worrying about career or people or whatever. When I think of the moments I had with him, the way he looked at me, the way his face lit up, the way he tried to have a conversation over tomato juice, the way he gave me a sign to come and talk over makes me miss him so much. I want to have those moments. I want to see him. I like the idea of me and him being together, just love about being with each other.






Like Crazy
Now days, I keep on drawing these male and female faces, facing each other and looking at each other with longing eyes. Tears fill my eyes when I think about him and want to meet him again but at the same time, my other part of brain says - what’s the use? That's it; my tears will go back to its place. He is right here in my brain and sometimes, I see him so crystal clear but he keeps on playing the same scenarios instead of playing something new.






Katy Perry's song "The One That Got Away" plays over and over in my head. Tears fill my eyes, sinking feeling, heart feels heavy, chest starts paining....like as if a sudden drop on a roller coaster ride.





In another life, I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
In another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away






Sometimes Christina Perri's Thousand years lyrics keep hittin' repeat-peat-peat-peat- peat





And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought Your heart to me
I have loved you for a Thousand years


The other day, I dressed up pretty well and went for shopping, looking
around to see if I can have the same kind of scenario with someone, if I can feel some kind of connection with someone but do you know, what I figured out that even though you dress up well and look pretty, you cannot make somethings happen. And that's when I realized that such special feelings arise only with some special people. That kind of unexplaniable unspoken understanding happens only with few. And that's what makes them memorable. It proved that he was not into me because I looked pretty, it was because, he felt the connection, the divine intervention. I can fool around myself by hearing such songs but I made up my mind of not to make myself look like an idiot again and believe in something which I don't want to believe anymore. I'll dig and bury my wishes and dreams and will look forward to that day when I meet him again one more time to see his face lit up to see me again. And that's when I'll believe that we were SPECIAL! And June 7th was indeed, a special day.


This is what I do while taking bath - drawing faces. Don't know why, he kind of looks sad though. One more thing, I observed is our pupils indirectly talk or express out state of mind. According to this article, Scientists have actually studied how the way we feel about the things we see affects the size of our pupils. You can gain some insight as to how someone feels about you by observing changes in their pupils, and you can also affect the way someone feels about you by changing the size of your pupils! So whether you want to stare down an enemy or make someone fall in love with you, its upto us. Believe me, when I say, I saw his lit up when he saw me. And that's why I'm so sure of his feelings, his thoughts. The same look keeps on coming whenever I think of him. I've noticed myself in the mirror, when I'm really happy, my eyes look beautiful, suddenly live and expresses about my happy state of mind and enhances my beauty and spreads joy.

Even though, I got a positive enthusiastic email from the Flight Attendant who was helping me to find him, this is what I replied to her.


**********************


Well I learned to be patient and trusted that you'll reply back because you sounded genuine. I really appreciate, you taking time by emailing me that too in flamboyant style, showing off your vibrant character, positive thinking and zest for living. I wonder if I have not known you as a Flight Attendant, would I've guessed who you are from your email. Well, I don't know. But you truly come across as a true Flight Attendant - Positive, helpful and content with life.
I like the way you use emoticons to truly represent your mood and helps you to come across as a friendly person when especially in emails when you cannot see the expressions and cannot hear the tone. Wish emoticons can be used in formal letters too.


Unfortunately, last week was the worst week I ever faced because of the way I came across in my email to someone. Even though I had positive thoughts and merely was suggesting, I came across as overbearing.



People look beautiful and friendly with the way they talk and present themselves. Even though people may say - I'm open to suggestions, it is not quite true. Any advice can be taken as interference. Things look beautiful when they're away from you but once you come closer, you'll start seeing the cracks.


Recent incidents making to have second thoughts about the Flight Attendant whom I met. For some reason or the other, eventually people find faults in others and in that way, lose precious moments once they had. I had a beautiful moment with the FA, precious indeed. He made me feel special. I still remember how his face lit up, totally expressing how delighted he was to see me. Of course that's what Flight Attendant's job is to make you feel like you're welcome . But this was totally different as I've examined and studied, each and every one in my to and fro journey. By trying to find him and to chase the truth, I may jeopardize the positive feelings he filled me up with. I don't want it to happen that way. When you feel like the whole world hates you, at least you want to think of someone who likes you. I want him virtually to be there as a friend who likes me. We both instantly liked each other and acted out or felt like we both know each other from long time. But that's how every missed connection story goes on ... once you read it on the internet....so can't totally rely on that feeling. I seem to find closer and closer to him even though days and months pass. Recently, my subconscious brain informed me that his name is Marc/Mark Junior ... and he is a medical student from a well-respected family and has high aspirations of helping poor people. CLASSIC! Even though, I've good thoughts about him, I strongly feel not to search for him anymore. Recent incident alerted me to be realistic.
Unless you go by internal means, it is difficult to get in touch with him, just based on my sketch. If we're destined to meet like the way it happened on June 7th then we will surely meet again some day, some where. I want to hold on to that belief.


Whatever you said about Indian women is right but when something I strongly believe in, I try to pursue and get to know the answers. Honestly, I stopped using Facebook as I don't like my comments to be displayed on the internet and then being labeled by people based on my comments. Once my friend took undue advantage by sending me unwanted emails based on my status messages.


I'm happy for you for having a special person in your life. Congrats and best wishes in your new business adventure. I'm sorry but right now, I'm not interested to buy any of those products.
Thank you for your understanding, support and your strong belief on LOVE. Your romantic story sounds wonderful. Nice of him to share his email id for whatever the reason may be but made both of you to be in touch with each other.


Have a nice day!!



**********************


Until unless, you dig deep into "Like Crazy" movie characters, you'll never understand the

beauty of this movie. It is just my kind of movie. I exactly know, the characters feelings because I've been there. Almost all in this universe, might have dreamed of having an extraordinary career in their life but I always dreamed about having love like the way the movie showed. I know for sure that me and the flight attendant would have had same kind of love under different circumstances. The whole time, while I was watching I visualized him and missed him and felt the same kind of longing like the way two love birds feel for each other.


It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place



P.S. The true love experience can be felt, only when a guy is in his early twenties. He doesn't mind to just let his feelings slip off. He doesn't mind to take any kind of action to reach his dream girl without pride or ego. And same goes with girls, they fall for someone special who treats them like they are special. No age bar when it comes to head-over-heels feelings, if the girl is immature - I don't know about whom we are talking here.

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