Friday, October 7, 2011

To my friend wherever you are....

One hundred twenty two days passed without seeing him. Four months on this date 7th but in June 2011, I planned my trip to India via Houston and Frankfurt. Just like Today, weather was in 90's. I wanted to dress up fashionably as it was an international flight and I wanted to look best. I wore light pink top with "grey-worms-all-over-the-top" kind of design with a white jean, matching ear rings and white high heel sandals. After checking in, we went to a Spring creek barbecue restaurant and there I noticed few men give me glances. I thought, looks like I dressed up pretty well. Because of security reasons, I did not keep any makeup related stuff and not even lipstick in my hand luggage. For some reason, I was so much into looking my best all through out the twenty-four hour air journey.

My first flight was continental to Houston. I sat next to an old lady who was gloomy as she was returning back to her Florida home for the first time after losing her husband who passed away three months back. After 45 minutes, I landed in Houston, already sweating because of the humidity and compact propeller airplane but remember, I still have to take an international flight, that means, I've to go to international terminal that means by train and then again go through security - removing laptop, cameras, camcorder, belt, watch and even sandals. I was like no way I will look my best the way I've to follow all these procedures. Finally, I reached the gate and noticed the huge crowd, parents with their infant babies - crying, running, whining....We all heard that plane will depart late at least by 30 to 45 minutes and the reason "technical difficulties". Everybody started becoming restless. I had to use restroom but I can't as I have two kids with me and I just can't leave them and wander in search for restrooms. But luckily without reaching or waiting at the ticket counter, the ticket agent gave me the boarding pass. I even found an empty seat to sit and wait for the plane to depart. Lufthansa officials were losing control as passengers were trying to cut the line to get into the flight. At 4:45 P.M., just about this time, they called for passengers with kids. Yay! time to board. We have been greeted by flight attendants but I don't remember anybody's face. I directly went to my seat, kept my heavy hand luggage in overhead compartment without much difficulty, thanks to my high heels. Then I told my kids to use restroom. I had to go round about to the tail section as some passengers were in my way. I did not know how to open the restroom door even though "push" was mentioned. I was delicately trying to push but it did not budge and that's when, maybe around this time 5:07 P.M., I met the person about whom I am writing right now, whom I am missing even after four months. The first thing I noticed about him was his happy and exciting face and it looked more like "VERY VERY HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!!". I thought - how come I completely forgot about possibility of encountering handsome flight attendants during my twenty-four hour plight. I had a hunch of having a very good flight time. Rest of the story goes like this, this and this.

Gregg mentioning him as my "friend" is really making me emotional and totally believable. I keep on reading that line over and over, for some reason, it gives me satisfaction and makes my belief stronger. With closed eyes and nose, I want to dive into the deep ocean of friendship, where there is no place for negativity or dislike or character assassination or name calling or misinterpretation or disheartened soul for not reaching expectations. This friendship is even though invisible, it exists in my heart based on that day, June 7th 2011. This invisible friendship becomes reality if in anyway, I helped him in receiving accolades from his colleagues based on my comments to Lufthansa. And when they announce on acknowledging-Flight-Attendants-Service-Day or in some meeting about his work, I'll come alive in his heart even though, he may not see or know me.

I like this distant friendship which will never get maligned by our day to day moods. It gives you something to believe in. Somebody out there, somewhere, who likes you. Yes, I strongly believe in not seeing you again or know anything about you as I want to always see you as a person who always has an excitement to see my face like the way you did on that day. Now, nobody ever can take that away from me. Totally, like Titanic movie, you always exist in my heart.

Whenever I think of what would have happened If I followed your indication to talk after that ten second gaze which you gave and if I was available to date you and if we exchanged phone numbers and then what....calls on the phone, text messages.....maybe occasionally meet and dine with you whenever you're in town and then what, after happy honeymoon days over and then you may find someone interesting and the whole new journey begins....heart break, good moments vanish.............thinking about all these, tears started streaming down my face and that's when out of nowhere this song popped up in my head.....

No one is as lovely as you, as you know I've love for you.
No one is as genuine friend as you, I've love for you.
You may be from a big house or a queen of the streets, I've love for you
See in my eyes, please at least see once, whose face is showing up in my eyes
Who else is there for me other than you, I've love for you
You tell me to go but tell me where should I go
Who else is here, with heart flinched like mine as you know I've love for you.

That sums up an answer to why I feel the way I feel. I want to hold on to this belief forever. Did I think of that song? NO, it just popped up in my head. Many Many years ago, I heard and suddenly, the lyrics whooshes in my head and I ask WHY? In my head on June 7th 2011, I saw the same kind of affection, the guy in this song, has for his girl and familiarity between us like as if we know each other from long time or else think for a second, if a stranger gazes at you, you avoid eye contact but here, in this instance, I stared right back at him for the whole ten seconds and asked shyly "What?" like as if I know him. Isn't that strange? For couple of months, I was under the impression that every Tuesday  he will be flying to and fro from Houston to Frankfurt, but I never knew that flight attendants are assigned on the spot to wherever anywhere in the world. That's why, I'm clueless about him.

Oct 9th 2011: Just now woke up with full of your thoughts in my brain. Our last eye to eye contact over played over and over again while I was trying to sleep. I'm not able to visualize of what would have happened if I courageously followed you to the pantry. Before I even try to think of that, my brain will say no way you have to guts to do it. Yes, it is just not me. Then suddenly, I visualized that eventually, if I took a daring step and gone to pantry, then we might have stared intensely into each others eyes and would have kissed and hugged as if we were long lost lovers and that's when while brushing my teeth, I realized that  those visualizations are based on my current emotional state of mind. No way, I would've kissed or hugged. I was not that emotional at that time. My unconscious brain started playing this song over and over again....

Each step you take, you remember my song
"Never say goodbye"
Laugh or cry, but you always hum this song
"Never say goodbye"

With being in love, sometimes we may get lost
or just like that we may doze off in this wind
But in your dreams, you always weave and recall "Never say goodbye" song

In middle of our journey, we may move apart from each other
and you will feel you're alone
but I'll come back, you just have to call me
with this song "Never say goodbye"

We really will be something beyond special, if you too feel the same way I do.....if you still remember me. I wonder again and again how my brain knows what song to play. Is my unconscious brain, confirming about the truth or it just knows which song I feel like listening? I'm really trying to distance myself and be in realty but the images in my sleep is beyond my control. It is so frustrating to see my unconscious brain confirming his interest over me by running the moments over and over again. Why doesn't it give the solution or why can't it go in his brain and make him search for me? Of course, it is not possible, so, leave me, don't harass me alone.

I requested God to do something by which I can forget J and he provided me solution by introducing this new friend in my life. The same unspoken glances which I thought was special with J has been replaced by this new friend. By which it proves that nothing is special, I will fall for whenever a handsome guy falls for me, some illogical thought enters and I pretend that I don't care or show importance when they exist right in front of me but carry over those feelings for long time and dwell over it as if my life is a hell and no meaning without them. Nothing special!!!! Do you get that my sweet unconscious brain?If anything true about this new friend, prove it God by making us meet again. Will he like me or want to have a connection with me even though I'm not available to date him? I've witnessed with my own eyes how a German passenger showed interest in me but when he heard my daughter voice calling "mommy", he acted like he can't even see me anymore. Nothing to blame as who wants to have a relationship/feelings for someone when they belong to someone else. Do you get that my sweet unconscious brain? So don't try to confirm about his interest. So don't try to confirm about the future and his thoughts by retrieving situational songs from deep inside my brain. If he knew the truth that I'm unavailable to date, he would've not bothered to glance towards me PERIOD!!!! And that's the truth!! 

1 comment:

  1. I saw your reply on Carmi's page ( heart) bent over? oh no, guess I am strange, to me it looked upright! lol... btw, I like your latest post and the 'him' looks vaguely familiar... email me and i will tell u who it reminds me