Sunday, September 18, 2011

Remembering Sep 18th 2008

It has been three years to date, seeing J. I somehow contacted him from 2008 - 2010 on this day other than today. Three years ago, we both got separated - a hand shake bye in 2008, a mysterious phone call to hear his voice and end the saga in 2009 and text exchange in memory of this day in 2010 but in 2011, no life to this relationship. Everything has to end!

He proclaimed to be "LOYAL", if it's true, he'll think about me on this day.

My world came tumbling down when I heard from him about leaving the work place where we met. I was so devastated by the news and the thought of not seeing him again made me to think all possible ways to find him, to hear from him. My belief was so strong that we both were on kind of on same page i.e., fond of each other. That kind of belief or illusion on someone, I never experienced in my life. That's why I keep on asking God, WHY? The problem was I didn't ask for his attention. He put those thoughts in me. He built up the whole thing. I never loved or broke up or thought to love anyone other than the crush I had on a celebrity in my teens. Neither I was looking for love nor thought that you need to search to find love. He raised hopes, desires and gave me a belief about needing love and attention from someone. He made me believe that he likes me for however the way I'm. He made me believe that he was trying hard to make me understand about his position, desire....for some reason, I believed that he was frustrated for not able to express his thoughts. He made me believe that he wanted to be my friend and would love to be forever in touch with me and wants me to be in his life. Of course, he never said any of those, but that's how his actions were or else why my heart broke on that Thursday Sep 18th 2008 when he said bye. Why unstoppable tears rolled and felt a shooting pain in the chest? Why did I feel like I'm losing a part of me?

I felt like screaming loud in the open sky to let him know to come back. The same sky, same weather, same season, same air to breathe, only 45 minutes away from me but can't hear my voice, my feelings, my desperation, my pain of not seeing him. The shock of suddenly losing him was like someone suddenly taken away the most precious thing that too something which is my personal possessed property.

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard his harsh tone on Mar 30th 2009 which made me to take Cymbalta for the first time in my life.  No one can possibly imagine my depression level, just mere sorrow, no life, no happy-go-lucky-girl, just misery! Fighting with demons all alone!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw his acidic text message on Mar 6th 2010 conveying to STOP this nuisance as he is tired. For the first time, I experienced anxiety attack in Apr 2010. I just did not know how to live life with out communicating with him. I did not know what happened to that strong, unwavering belief. I did not know what to trust in this world. Twenty-four by seven, I only thought about him. You should never love or believe others more than yourself!! One thing, I strongly believe, if someone loves you, they'll never hurt you in any form. Even though, I received private calls from him, I stopped trusting my eyes, I stopped believing in him and started acting out like everything is an illusion or make-a-believe. It doesn't matter anymore as I'm lifeless, can't feel or trust anything I see or hear 'cause I'm dead inside. I'm dead for him, that's all! That crazy person doesn't exist anymore! The spell finally broke!

Oh, I guess he might've had too many loud laughs for putting me through his silly games of anonymous twitter messages and private calls and knowing my every desperate movement on facebook. Hard truth, nothing lasts ever!!! Remember, the confidence, the smile, you put on my face, you, on your own wiped it out. You're not special any more nor the bond which I thought is unique until unless you ever prove otherwise.  Even if I visualize of you ever communicating with me is not putting a smile on my face, but unstoppable tears roll from my face. Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead!!

It took two years to finally reach this song, there is no way ever again I'll speak with him, 'cause I know I'm strong enough....

"Believe" by Cher

After love, after love [repeat]
No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you
So sad that you're leaving
Takes time to believe it
But after all is said and done
You're going to be the lonely one, Ohh Oh

Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,
Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,

What am I supposed to do
Sit around and wait for you
And I can't do that
There's no turning back
I need time to move on
I need love to feel strong
'Cause I've had time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you Ohh Oh


But I know that I'll get through this
'Cause I know that I am strong
I don't need you anymore
Oh I don't need you anymore I don't need you anymore
No I don't need you anymore

[CHORUS repeat to fade]

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