Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Giving up on LOVE!!

The truth about me is even though I'm craving for whomever-I-like's attention and love, the fact is I'm not going to alter of where I'm in my life. Recently, I received a funny, sarcastic email from my sister about what women want...

Can't believe women are so innocent, plain and simple.....

plain looking husband....

Normal size ring!

small wedding party...

honeymoon at any place...

a small house for kids to play....

lovely children....

husband is a family man...
but works hard..

small car for shopping...

another car for kids...

some collections...

shoes for each occasion....

some nice outfits...
bit of cosmetics...

makeup collection...

overseas trip once a year....
more often on domestic trips...
romantic dinners....
presents occasionally....
That's all women want.....

Sarcastic, of course, yes! but there is slight truth! If we go by pictures, well let us see, how many I achieved

1. 50/50 but he is SMART!!! Not much into dressing though...
2. Yes diamond ring but not as big as that and I don't crave for that.
3.Not glamorous, not the way I envisioned. I dreamed of sitting next to someone who loves me to death and we both look like we belong together, so involved, just into each other
4. No honeymoon
5. Yes, lovely house, perfect dream house, nothing to complain
6. Yes, kids are lovely and gifted!! Couldn't have asked for better....
7. Yes, husband is a family man, very involved, attends all the parent teacher meetings, takes kids to birthday parties.
8. Yes, totally works hard!
9. Acura TL baby!
10. Acura MDX!!!
11. Wish too but no ka-ching!!
12. in the process of accumulating
13. Yes some dresses but still negative
14.  not much into it
15. I can survive with minimum make up
16. Before kids but not now a days!  For all these vacations to enjoy, you need to feel the bond among couple or else it'll be like when we went to London for our first anniversary. I was trudging alone behind and far away from him as I was tired and was feeling cold and he was walking fast instead of holding my hand. His answer was I can't walk slowly in this cold weather.
17. Yes, domestic trips as he loves traveling, long drives just like me so...
18. Yes, we go for special dinners but he is not romantic, not much into me :(
19. Presents...don't ask me that! I crave for surprises but he doesn't believe in surprises. He is trying...once, he bought a designer perfume from Frankfurt duty free shop and surprised me. Well, that was four years ago!

Can really two people be so involved in each other forever?
Well the jury says you're doing great and be happy with what you've. Well then, why I'm not satisfied? As my husband says you always look like you're waiting for someone. Gosh! that is so true.Til 2008, I was so into family life, current affairs, listening to Bill O'Riley's hot topics and discussions while driving to pick up kids, listening to NPR radio, politics, world issues but after I met J, everything changed, the long desire of someone to love me and make me feel precious took prominence in my life. The need of someone to try or put some thought into how to converse or make me smile or to try to get my attention and to see me that I exist and that I'm special has overpowered my thoughts and desires.

In all previous posts, I emphasized on how uncanny I'm living from past three years.  J proved that the attention you get from others is just temporary and even if it is true, a person need to settle in life with kids, family, home and the rest of it which follows. I took a leap and missed out of experiencing love of another but later on in life, I've to be where I'm now. All the love and attention at the beginning of a relationship will last until you take your last breath is not guaranteed. So what's the use of me wallowing for Lufthansa 441 flight attendant or for J? Even if their affection is genuine, what can I do? I cannot leave what I've now. I'm not that kind of person who runs away when they see something new. I'm loyal and love my family even some of the things I wish it to be different. I don't know, what exactly I want but I think I want someone who likes/loves me to be always there for me, you know at least as a friend, on whom I can lean on or count on whenever I'm down, who can be make me feel like I'm special and worthy to exist in their life. The other day I was so depressed and then when I read the WSJ's article how people will lose height after reaching forty, unknowingly I was counting years to my death. I felt like years should pass quickly so that I can die. People should stop flirting if they're not serious or not into that person. Why to play with emotions? Not everybody is build to be strong.

Giving up on LOVE!!
I want to go back to who I was. Even my long desire to have a partner who loves more than anything will not come true, I want to live a life with what I've. I've to say bye to memories of J and Lufthansa flight attendant.First what I've to do is stop listening to love songs. I want to keep myself busy with non-fictional books that too which empowers body and soul and fun to read.

These are the books which I came across. So, I requested the local library to hold it for me:

A champion's mind : lessons from a life in tennis / Sampras, Pete
SEAL Team Six : memoirs of an elite Navy seal sniper / Wasdin, Howard E
Bossypants / Fey, Tina, 1970
The measure of a man [sound recording] / Poitier, Sidney.
The heart is a lonely hunter / McCullers, Carson, 1917-1967.

Let us see how it goes!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Remembering Sep 18th 2008

It has been three years to date, seeing J. I somehow contacted him from 2008 - 2010 on this day other than today. Three years ago, we both got separated - a hand shake bye in 2008, a mysterious phone call to hear his voice and end the saga in 2009 and text exchange in memory of this day in 2010 but in 2011, no life to this relationship. Everything has to end!

He proclaimed to be "LOYAL", if it's true, he'll think about me on this day.

My world came tumbling down when I heard from him about leaving the work place where we met. I was so devastated by the news and the thought of not seeing him again made me to think all possible ways to find him, to hear from him. My belief was so strong that we both were on kind of on same page i.e., fond of each other. That kind of belief or illusion on someone, I never experienced in my life. That's why I keep on asking God, WHY? The problem was I didn't ask for his attention. He put those thoughts in me. He built up the whole thing. I never loved or broke up or thought to love anyone other than the crush I had on a celebrity in my teens. Neither I was looking for love nor thought that you need to search to find love. He raised hopes, desires and gave me a belief about needing love and attention from someone. He made me believe that he likes me for however the way I'm. He made me believe that he was trying hard to make me understand about his position, desire....for some reason, I believed that he was frustrated for not able to express his thoughts. He made me believe that he wanted to be my friend and would love to be forever in touch with me and wants me to be in his life. Of course, he never said any of those, but that's how his actions were or else why my heart broke on that Thursday Sep 18th 2008 when he said bye. Why unstoppable tears rolled and felt a shooting pain in the chest? Why did I feel like I'm losing a part of me?

I felt like screaming loud in the open sky to let him know to come back. The same sky, same weather, same season, same air to breathe, only 45 minutes away from me but can't hear my voice, my feelings, my desperation, my pain of not seeing him. The shock of suddenly losing him was like someone suddenly taken away the most precious thing that too something which is my personal possessed property.

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard his harsh tone on Mar 30th 2009 which made me to take Cymbalta for the first time in my life.  No one can possibly imagine my depression level, just mere sorrow, no life, no happy-go-lucky-girl, just misery! Fighting with demons all alone!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw his acidic text message on Mar 6th 2010 conveying to STOP this nuisance as he is tired. For the first time, I experienced anxiety attack in Apr 2010. I just did not know how to live life with out communicating with him. I did not know what happened to that strong, unwavering belief. I did not know what to trust in this world. Twenty-four by seven, I only thought about him. You should never love or believe others more than yourself!! One thing, I strongly believe, if someone loves you, they'll never hurt you in any form. Even though, I received private calls from him, I stopped trusting my eyes, I stopped believing in him and started acting out like everything is an illusion or make-a-believe. It doesn't matter anymore as I'm lifeless, can't feel or trust anything I see or hear 'cause I'm dead inside. I'm dead for him, that's all! That crazy person doesn't exist anymore! The spell finally broke!

Oh, I guess he might've had too many loud laughs for putting me through his silly games of anonymous twitter messages and private calls and knowing my every desperate movement on facebook. Hard truth, nothing lasts ever!!! Remember, the confidence, the smile, you put on my face, you, on your own wiped it out. You're not special any more nor the bond which I thought is unique until unless you ever prove otherwise.  Even if I visualize of you ever communicating with me is not putting a smile on my face, but unstoppable tears roll from my face. Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead!!

It took two years to finally reach this song, there is no way ever again I'll speak with him, 'cause I know I'm strong enough....

"Believe" by Cher

After love, after love [repeat]
No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you
So sad that you're leaving
Takes time to believe it
But after all is said and done
You're going to be the lonely one, Ohh Oh

Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,
Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,

What am I supposed to do
Sit around and wait for you
And I can't do that
There's no turning back
I need time to move on
I need love to feel strong
'Cause I've had time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you Ohh Oh


But I know that I'll get through this
'Cause I know that I am strong
I don't need you anymore
Oh I don't need you anymore I don't need you anymore
No I don't need you anymore

[CHORUS repeat to fade]

Friday, September 16, 2011

India! India! What can I say?

My trip to India, unexpectedly had a right start with me meeting a handsome Lufthansa attendant who showered me with attention. Meeting my parents and my brother after four years, that too with new found confidence given by the handsome guy made first two weeks to be in a very happy state of mind. After so many years, when suddenly everyone in giving you the importance, given me an unbelievable feeling of being precious. Everyday my mom made me feel special by cooking all my favorite dishes. Even though, she was in seventies, nothing deterred her from working hard to shower with unforgettable love. Give milk, breakfast right where I used to sit and asking my welfare is just what I was not used to after getting married. Within myself I thought, mom, please don't make me emotional as I'm not going to get this kind of love, once, I'm back in US. If I want to eat something, I have to cook. No one is there to ask, are you hungry or for that matter ask about my welfare.  Remembering those precious days when I was a student how my mom used to take care of me and used to stand at the gate and wave bye until I take the turn on my scooty makes mothers love special and unconditional. Being in seventies and not sure of when they will see me again made them to spend money and time on whatever I wished. They used to say we have enough to take care of ourselves and no expenditure so why not to spend on you.

Stop complaining about my kids!!!
After honeymoon period, slowly things started going negative like how my kids are behaving and how I should be raising them. I realized that wherever we go, it is better to stay shorter time as they say "short and sweet" is so right. One more thing, I realized is moms just can't take anything negative about their kids. It pains so much when someone speaks negative about your kids as you as a parent feel that they are criticizing you which is impossible to handle. So,what I learned is keep the trip short and sweet and never to speak negative about your husband in front of your mother-in-law as you'll never be understood or taken in a right manner to get support.

Budha @Belum Caves
Finally, it was a day for me to meet my relatives. Can we get rid off of so-nice-to-see-you to all the negative remarks? But, it was not at all bad. One of the awesome decision I made was to meet my relatives. All the childhood memories rushed in once I saw my cousins. Once upon a time we all used to meet and play hide-and-seek, running and catching on the roof top and now, we are all meeting not only just us but with our kids. The cutest thing I never imagined which made me feel sassy and snazzy. The meeting was so successful that we couldn't stop ourselves meeting again so, we decided to go on a three day trip. What I understood is India being an old country and if you want to tour all the historical places, you just can't escape your trip becoming spiritual as our history is related to Gods and temples. Mini bus was full with cousins and kids. We had a blast teasing each other, singing, playing anthakshri, cards, watching movies and taking lots and lots of pictures. 

Shopping in India was painful I prefer malls where as my mom prefers local shops. Yes, I understand of getting much cheaper but one can easily get cheated on quality of the material and top of it, walking and climbing stairs everywhere is so painful. Shopping in India, now a days is not cheap any more. Dining to shopping cost same as in USA. But I'm happy to say that I was able to find a beautiful frame for my parents oil painting portrait for only $9.00. Now a days, you get everything from decorating walls to table tops with attractive designs and of course with the US price tag. If you desire, you can really decorate the house just like in USA. But once you step out, well, that's just totally another world.Even big shopping malls won't give any privacy. Asking customers what are they interested in. Geez! don't they know, we want privacy. We want to choose whatever we want and try it out without a guy behind our back.

I felt so bad when I saw how fellow humans are treated in India. No money is almost like a hell in India. Why do we need a door man, a pulling chair man to give that respect when you're ill treating the other fellow beings? Too many people so no respect to life. Have seen a legless man lying on a bridge. Everybody were feeling pity but no one there to take care of him. Just lying there in the dirt! Heartbreaking scene! And then a guy carrying a baby who had a huge cast on her broken leg. The situation is so bad that you can't trust whether the guy is acting to get some money or really his daughter's leg fractured. Nearby temple, so many kids were begging for money. I don't understand what is government doing? How come there is no government provided child care? I heard from my friend that even if government provided houses for poor people, they try to sell and live the same life as before with limited water and dirty huts.

Niligiri's Fruit Shop
What I'm about to mention will make you laugh thinking about how can Indians be like this. Local festival called "bonalu" is celebrated for Goddess Durga and during that time, the street folks decided to decorate the whole street with lights, YAY!! and then a loud speaker (NAY!!) which will be on on twenty hours to keep everybody in the mood of festival. But the other street folks too decided to do the same. Our house was in the intersection. Hahaha....what a welcome for my husband when he came on the same day from USA. It was so chaotic, talking normally was a history. These lasted for two days and my son was like how do they expect me to sleep. I said, well, this is INDIA!!

Brigade Rd.
I amazed this time when I think about how my MIL treated me. She has two servants to help around so she doesn't need my help in kitchen at all. So, she told me to take rest while she was cooking. I was like whats happening. Well, I heard that someone said to her that she will pass away when she turns seventy so she maybe wants to do best, behave best before the ultimate thing arrives. Made my life for the first time peaceful and complaint-less. Husband and myself went for shopping, dining....just relaxed, chilled and even had a coal cooked street corn with squeezed lemon juice and pepper on top which is one of my favorite. Only problem is traffic, you can have all the luxury in your house but once you step out, you've to face the drill. The traffic was so horrible that once we got stuck in the traffic for two hours that too without music and in a tiny car. Just still without slightest movement.

India is not same as decade before. One thing I noticed is too many young people and all the time they look like there are in search for a lover or a partner. Hahaha...its difficult to get unnoticed in India which is very rare experience after living in USA. Auto drivers are too crude once they smell NRI's. They all expect to just disperse money as if NRI's work in hedge funds. No more meter reading, just the rate. Accept or find someone else. Security is really tight at airports. Triple checks before you step into a plane. Understandable, the way situation is, you need that kind of scrutiny. Service at airports too are very professional and fast pace. Kudos!! Compare to Frankfurt airport, duty free shops in India is glamorous and eye catching.  Remember, in India, once you check in your luggage, even though you've a lot of time to kill, you can't come out. So, that was really painful and torture.

Have to praise Indian based flights. Sharp on time, very good service and really pretty air-hostesses. I checked on the internet to see how old do air-hostess have to be and not amazed to find, only between 18 - 27 years. Even at airports, they use aero bridges and even flight steps for people to move fast and choose either one, based on their seat numbers, so, planes can be on time. I traveled by spicejet and Indigo and I'm pleased with both of them.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Welcome to NEW YOU!

You just can't believe what I discovered, free makeup which instantly can make you look like a hollywood star.
I present you INSTYLE!!

This software is so good. Basically with you giving five pointers, it can fix your hair however long the length you desire and where you want it to be placed on your shoulders. You can choose hair color regardless of hair style, eye liner, eye shadows, lip stick with brands, lip liner, concealer, foundation and what ever you desire.

You can even choose your favorite actress and make yourself look like them by imitating their style. How cool is that?

While I was taking pics of mine especially like the one J's current girlfriend posed with low cut dress, showing off one side in a teasing way and having a blunt hair cut, head leaning towards one side with a sweet smile. I took so many pics but nothing satisfied me til I found this website which instantly gave me whatever the hair cut I wanted and made me just look like her. And then it hit me, OMG, she used the same software to make herself look like that! Oh boy! I just couldn't stop myself from laughing. So kudos to instyle's brilliant software which can give you a new look, new style within minutes and definitely will be helpful before you get a hair cut and will precisely let you know which suits you well and more importantly will update your social profiles picture with an attractive and appealing picture and make everybody say Wow, you look amazing!

If you don't want to sign up, well, I know a better way to save the picture without signing up. Press PrntScrn on your computer/laptop and then paste it in Windows Paint. Crop it. Now, you can save it on local disk. Voila! Here comes new you! Hahaha...funny!

As the say goes...No one is as ugly as their id picture, no one is as cute as their facebook profile picture. So, true!

The Movie "Falling in Love"

Anything related to "Love", I would like to watch and that's how the title "Falling in Love" drew my attention.

Not many movies show that its possible for married person to fall in love, that too a real mutual emotional bond with someone other than your partner.

Tears filled my eyes when I saw this movie as I've been in that place before. I had the same sad look on my face for at least two years and still on and off, I see the same face, the meaningless longing and even my husband thought I had a breakdown. Everything makes meaningful when it is two sided but if one doesn't express, everything looks like an illusion.
The movie made me smile, when I saw how Meryl Streep tried to dress up to look her best by changing to different dresses and then finally asking, seeing herself in the mirror while combing - what are you doing.

Meryl Streep as Molly in that movie rightly says to her friend of what I did during at that time - "No, I think about him every day. Last thought before I fall asleep and first thought when I wake up. I talk to myself all day about him, even when I'm talking to somebody else, even when I'm talking to you now I'm talking to myself about him. Brian thinks I'm ill, he thinks that it has to do with my father, he thinks the stress and, you know, all that... Thinks I'm having a breakdown, but I'm not, there's nothing wrong with me. Except that I love him."

The music is powerful in this movie especially when there are no dialogues, all you can see are the emotions and feelings of the person. The look on their face when they finally meet in the train is precious. In just one segment, the movie shows along with the background music "Nights on Fire" written by Scott Lipsker of hope, fading away when the gate closes while the train is pulling away and then when she is sees him on the train coming towards her, the rise of the melody makes you fill with joy in anticipation of warm embrace, the satisfaction of getting together.  It is my kind of movie. Thanks to J otherwise, I would've never known what it would be to have truly madly deeply feelings for someone. Love really makes you do crazy abnormal things. Falling in love, really makes you feel like you are in ecstasy. You don't need anything from this world other than that one person whom makes you feel you're special and that kind of joy, not even money can buy.

I definitely think the writer might have experienced something like this story for he/she to write so well especially for making the actors to show the emotional journey. Well written, well acted and the sound tracks, totally impressive.

I wish for that day to come when J expresses his love or else the whole saga will become so meaningless. The feelings which I felt as special and rare to happen will become rubbish. The movies like this one will become utter nonsense. As months and years passing by, I am already feeling that nothing was special. Its just easy to forget the past and move on to new things. You meet people, you lose people, there is nothing charming! nothing special! nothing precious! There can be no special unique bond! Everything can easily be replaced!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Truth About Attention!

People pay attention to people who are paying attention to them. That is so true.

Some attentions we ignore and well, some will make us feel special. That's what gives us confidence, a happy smile and that's when chemistry begins when eyes collide. Eyes do talk a lot, even though they may not be precise in delivering the message but they convey unscripted truthful message. And that makes me to think about Lufthansa flight attendant.

The other day, when I was waiting in my car in front of Seven-Eleven, a guy parked next to my car, so, I looked at him and then he looked. After that, he was constantly trying to turn back and watch me while entering in the store. I was so scared with the way he was acting, I cautiously locked my car doors and took my phone to act like as if I was browsing and not for a second, lifted my eye as I know he'll try to make an eye contact. See, that comes under "creepy attention".

Once when I was waiting for the swim class to get over at Emler Swim school, I saw a cute instructor who was observing me from far and was heading towards me. My heart started beating fast as he was approaching me closer and closer and then............ he comes so close to my face and picks up something near my feet. I was like, OMG, look at your nerve!. That's crazy! I was speechless and shocked.

And then once it happened with J too. I used to watch my kids class from upclose and then at the end of the class, j as an instructor had to tell how my kid was progressing. On one particular occasion, he purposefully leaped out of water and came so close to my face.... my heart stopped for a second and then I couldn't stop myself from smiling and that's it, I guess that's how I just let him in know, that I was falling for him. I guess that's how guys check to see how far can they take, how she'll react and to know whether she is interested in him or not.

Now a days, constantly a thought comes to my mind saying that life is not an one or a two and half hour movie to have all-is-bright-and-smooth. So, enjoy what you've or with whom you're than thinking about someone with whom you're not.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish - Steve Job's Story

My first thoughts after going through the speech was to share the inspirational speech with my kids but then I thought not appropriate as they may think of not going to college. For some dropping out of college may work if you're are smart and can understand thoroughly anything on your own or mingle with smart and vibrant friends. Like Steve Jobs, if I come across of death then first foremost I'll record a video for my kids about how much I love them, why they should work hard to get good name and fame, how they should take care of thenselves, how they should be compassionate to fellow human beings and request them to thrive for best. I will thank the lufthansa flight attendant on Lufthansa facebook and will not bother to inform J as I already died for him longtime ago. Making me emotional..... Well, true I guess, no one wants to die!

Anyway here is Steve Job's story:

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down – that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960′s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Sensual self-portraits helped me to be active on the bed....

I myself laugh when I read my own post of  Oh! How I Hate Fulfilling Married Couples Sex Responsibility. Yes, that's how I was til I went to a lingerie store when I was in India. I saw a store advertising push-up bras. So I went inside and tried a red push up bra. Voila! as the ad said, the look of my breasts increased by two cup size. I saw the trick of where to place the extra padding to give that look. After coming home, I experimented with my bras by tightening it around the waist as recently I lost some weight so all my bras slightly loose and putting a thick folded sock for extra cushioning helped out to artificially enhance. I discovered that I look healthy with broad and attractive chest.

Playfully, I started taking pictures on the cell and got so addicted that I took at least thousand pictures on my Canon SLR and in turn made unbelievable seven videos with my pictures and background music based on the pictures. One video was totally about me, showing off  like a lingerie model without a makeup with just an attitude for the song "All Of The Lights" by Kanya West. Music and my attitude was so well matched without me choreographing specifically for the song.

Especially, where Rihanna and Alicia keys sing:

Turn up the lights in here, baby
Extra bright, I want y'all to see this
Turn up the lights in here, baby
You know what I need
Want you to see everything
Want you to see all of the lights
Fast cars, shooting stars
(all of the lights, all of the lights)
Until it's Vegas everywhere we are
(all of the lights, all of the lights)
If you want it you can get it for the rest of your life
All of the lights
Cop lights, flash lights, spot lights, Strobe lights, street lights.....

While I was making the video, I was like who is she, so not shameful. That's why I had to name the video as "who is she"and ending it with "no one knows who she is", displaying question marks all over my face.

And the next video is my all time favorite which I dedicated to the person whom I mentioned in my post "A Special Guy". The video was made with pictures which were taken with sleeveless tanks, see through tops and a black laced bra with beautiful jewelery and melodious hindi song "O Jaana, Na Jaana" which describes about how crazy the guy is for the girl and at the end, she agrees that he is really crazy for her. At the beginning of the "Mystery" video, I mentioned about my dedication to the person who made me feel beautiful and special. The lyrics coordinated so well with the pictures as I really looked beautiful and explained well of why the guy is so crazy for her.

The third video is about me asking the guy, why he couldn't say what he felt something after seeing me for the first time, how the guy who dreamed all along is right in front of her and how he is not knowing day or night, how the guy is telling her to leave shyness and fall in love with him as he is so charming and everybody is crazy for him but he is crazy with my lovely face. This video called "First Impression" came out well with me being sensuous in few pics just the way the lyrics say about shining body, attractive eyes and how the neighborhood is talking about my looks. I even copied Jennifer Aniston's upcoming movie "Horrible Bosses" scene of where she wears only a jacket.

The next video is for the song "I'm yours". I wore casual sleeveless skirt and fooled around taking silly but attractive pictures of myself. And the rest of the videos are for the songs "Kiss Me" from Katy Perry, "Just the way you're" from Bruno Mars and the last "I'll be watching you" from Sting. I tired myself out with relentless  poses, pictures, simultaneous checking on the quality of the pictures, uploading and making videos with transition effects. 

So, basically, all these led me to be active on the bed and thereby the conclusion is sensual pictures of yourself will make you look attractive and will put you in feel-good mood. All these self-portraits of myself made me wonder of why a lump of fat called breast excites everyone. Well, I did not know that I've the looks and the body to be attractive. And that proved of why the young Lufthansa flight attendant who was so handsome with his charming looks and well groomed face, felt me "desirable". At one point of time, I even thought of him as a loser for showing interest on me but now, it is proven that the guy has a fine taste. I guess I'll never meet you ever again but God, the way you looked at me makes me feel as if you know me from long time. In between my photo sessions, you looking at me from oil painting portrait telling me I know what you're up to , made me feel closer to you.

I don't ever again dream about love at first time or there is a special guy out there or in magic of meeting your dream one or in general the so called "LOVE". Yes, thanks to J who broke my heart and raised my hopes only to shatter. Well, at least these videos proved that I'm worth something and only a few good notice about me being SPECIAL.