Thursday, May 19, 2011

MIss You, Pal

As I heard today on FOX4 about Addison Food Festival, guess about whom I thought..........of course about my pal J. He invited me for this one and for Bryon Nelson Golf Tournament in 2009 while we were in the midst of figuring out of who we're for each other. I wonder whether he thinks about me or not. While I'm typing this post, "times are hard......don't give up on me, baby" from Script's "For The First Time" is ringing in my ears. I don't know, how it is relevant, but, I feel like, I'm hearing him saying those words over and over to me.

 My heart becomes heavy and tears fill my eyes, thinking about him and what we went through without any meaningful reason. Sometimes I visualize of what might would've happened if I met him when he invited me to join those May '09 events. I might have covered my mouth to hide from him, seeing my big wide grin. Is it because of the movies or the inner girl with innocence, who wants to emerge by running towards him and hug him tightly?

Thinking itself under my circumstances, irks me out. Really for some reason, I feel so connected to him, feel like he is a part of me, feel like he understands me. I know that sounds so stupid.

During that time, he used to tweet about every minute detail like how he is planning to have a haircut or going for a shower after a hard day of work or done with homework. I enjoyed reading those but at the same time, it did not feel appropriate as who am I to him to know all these minute details. I'm the one who welcomed him to keep his Facebook profile private otherwise I'll be snooping which made the whole thing creepy and ugly. I'm the one who ruined the interaction between us and it was appropriate even though I feel miserable.

 So many times I knocked down his feelings as I felt like he was interacting 'cause he was bored and just want to time pass with me. Once he dialed home as a radio survey guy with an unknown number, I answered the call and I felt like it was him but I got scared to speak with him so I told the "radio survey guy" not to call again. I pleaded him to reveal himself by email but he did not and made me wait for twelve days with out any communication. So, I stopped interacting with him. But after New Year when holidays passed, he called me again with an unknown number and left a Facebook message of how he is feeling crappy at work on Monday Afternoon. I told him not to call again and if he is bored, go study or get involved in the stock market. But next time when he called with an unknown number and when I saw his Facebook message, he said he is done with homework, paid taxes and had a busy day so far. And when I told him to break up with me as we may not last forever and may break up 'cause of boredom, then he updated his profile saying that he is a loyal and trusted person to count on.

Like this, there were so many innocent and lovely moments. I really could have had a good friend forever, a person whom I can count on. But it was tough to see him close to someone other than me when I'm ineligible to be the one and immature to maintain a grown up status. I really don't know why he wanted to be in touch with me......... interacted and spent so much time on me when he has so many close friends like his ex-girlfriend or his new girlfriends. Does he feel the bond like the way I do? Does he have an emotional attachment towards me? Anyway, it was good I'm not in touch in any online format. As expected, if I break off from online interaction and not respond to any unknown calls, he disappeared like as if he never existed. I feel him in every strange or unknown or private numbers or any mysterious events.

My relationship with him is like coffee. Mmm...the aroma invites you but the acidity/bitterness pushes you off. The bond between us is the aroma but my ineligibility is the acidity/bitterness which is just inappropriate.

The things which he exposed me to:

YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Text messages, Private phone calls, 102.9, 106.1 radio music, Young American's life, Youngsters hip language, Outdoor Activities, Hunting, Mini Trucks, Fishing, Golf, Wine, Makeup, Dressing up pretty, Hope, Desires, Lovely feeling of being loved by someone, Craving for affection, Stalker's world, Obsession, Breakup, Depression, Anxiety, Aloofness and most of all stated that I'm not worthy enough to come back. And now to blogging.

Whatever it is, for some reason, how many days or months or years pass, there is a bright spot in me which awakens my hope on him like as if he is always there for me, even though, it is not true. Sometimes I feel like saying to myself, STOP IT! It sounds disgusting to have a feeling for someone other than your husband. But the pros say accept whatever it is as that's how it is. Sometimes I wonder, do I really love him or want to live in fantasy of being in love with someone? Sometimes, I feel desperate and wish to hear from him or else constantly worry that he'll forget about me as time creates the distance but sometimes I feel its good to have a prolong break and still after a long time, if you still have the same feelings then that's the true one til then I'd like to think him as a character from a book or a movie which I adored whom I cannot touch or reach and his existence is mere a make-a-believe, just an illusion.


Fast forward to exactly one year: Still miss you, pal but this time, a real pal whom I can't touch or see or who can never break my heart...just vanished in this big wide world...gave me hope,  and something positive to hold on to...

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