Thursday, May 26, 2011

Girls Are Strange!

Can't stop feeling strange when I think about how girls change from when they're in their seven's or eight's to teens. Yesterday, when we were watching American Idol, my daughter was in full support for Lauren Alaina as she is a "girl". She felt so bad that a girl did not win as usual, all teen girls might have voted for Scotty. But look at Lauren Alaina, being in her teens, she was okay to lose to a boy. Only when you're in teens, its possible to smooch a winner even when you lose. Because they're just into winning a boy's heart and feel connected more than winning a competition. They give importance to friendship and live in present world rather than thinking about future or owning the world. All they want is attention from a special person for that particular moment. They innocently lay their trust and dream big about their bond and as usual, the bond may not go far as they grow, the innocence fades and doubts rises, jealousness creeps and expectations elevate. I just love to watch the sweet innocent love even though it may not last long but the feelings are pure not maligned by a speck of negativity.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Something Rejuvenated Me

Yes, the unknown call from someone has rejuvenated me. Hope you know about whom I'm thinking. Well, of course, from J.  Gosh, really, is it possible? Nah! definitely he would've moved on with his life or is he really proving that he is loyal? I really don't believe that someone can love me or someone feel that they need me. I can easily be forgotten. Even though, unknown call with a silent voice message scared me and thinking about him trying to reach me, freaking me out,  I suddenly, involuntarily feel the energy, feel like my life is back, feel like at least to do something. Well, I'll never ever believe that he would've made that call. That's silly and I even feel sorry to accuse him of making an unknown call. Well, whatever it is, it kinda gave an instant energy boost.
This is how weather was in the morning. Just like me gloomy, heavy rain, thunderstorms, basically no life. But now, it is nice and bright blue sky, temperatures in high 80's :), leaves showing life by dancing to the wind.

Last week, my husband told me to drive to his work place so that we can go for shopping for my kids piano recital. Even though, I listened to his directions, when I was driving, I did not find the specific street and followed the GPS and went on the toll way and was five minutes late. Instead of giving me a warm, inviting smile, he showed his disappointment of not following his directions and coming late to pick him up. That incident made me sad and raised a question of why people can't be nice with their own family members. We go out of reach to be nice with a stranger but can't take a slight mistake from our partner. Why can't he see that I reached his office instead of noticing of what did not happen? If the same thing his colleague or a friend did, he wouldn't have had any discussion other than saying "okay man! hahaha........" Thinking about India trip in summer, spending time with his parents and on top of that seeing him taking his parents side and acting and talking out pleasing way..........Aaaarrrggghhh!!!making me sadder and sadder. I don't know, now a days, if I see any couple's photo with smooch or a hug or even a plain photo which makes them look like a couple makes my heart sink like Justin Bieber's tender love towards Selena Gomez or William's love towards Kate Middleton. My brain totally strikes it out by saying that's stupid, totally fake, absolutely BS at least on Bieber's act but I truly believe in William's love. I feel Justin Bieber is totally doing for the camera, just enjoying teasing the photographers in making them believe that something is true. Come on! he is only 17.! She looks older than him and he looks like a kid and for him to smooch in front of his mom. That got to be a joke. Anyway, I don't care. Do as you please.

All Are Screwed up!

Yesterday, when I saw Billboard 2011Awards, I was astonished to see how Britney Spears lost her capability to dance or for that matter sing. She lost her old charm or confidence to put a great entertaining show. She has wrapped herself with young artists who are in their 20's and are full of confidence about how they look and surely know, how they are perceived by the crowd.

Here she is putting on a show and dressing up like Gaga style swimsuit, when clearly, she is not up to the challenge. I just don't know how they dress up and act like porn stars. You just can't watch with young kids. Thanks to bleeping technology or else you just have to switch off the television. Looking and feeling sexy is fine but what they're doing is indecency and vulgar suggestive sex moves. No wonder, now a days, young girls who're less than ten, think this way of acting is fashionable and okay.

Now a days, Gaga is just irritating me with her over exposing way of dressing, talking in every interview like a saint in her skimpy clothes disrespecting and stepping on the piano. All these news broadcasters showing her SNL skit and laughing at her silliness. I did not feel anything funny at all. Looking of her itself putting me off. Just waiting when people will get bored of her blah-blah's and her weird lifestyle. I truly believe that she is just a normal girl with a great voice but oh boy, to get everybody's attention, overly exposing herself and purposefully acting as a weird person is just too irritating to watch. How can she even dare to think that she inspires someone with her weird antics? If you're really comfortable in your skin, why do you've to hide under those skimpy, bare-it-all way of dressing.

Look at Taylor Swift, totally knows who she is and what she wants to achieve. Yesterday, with so many awards under her belt, once again proved that you don't need to be a slut to be a top singer. Even though somewhere I read about how few people are irritated by her teenage themed songs, but I like her songs which carries everyday emotions which people go through and so effortlessly she sings it with matching tune which enhances the emotions and makes you feel like you're part of the roller coaster emotional story.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

MIss You, Pal

As I heard today on FOX4 about Addison Food Festival, guess about whom I thought..........of course about my pal J. He invited me for this one and for Bryon Nelson Golf Tournament in 2009 while we were in the midst of figuring out of who we're for each other. I wonder whether he thinks about me or not. While I'm typing this post, "times are hard......don't give up on me, baby" from Script's "For The First Time" is ringing in my ears. I don't know, how it is relevant, but, I feel like, I'm hearing him saying those words over and over to me.

 My heart becomes heavy and tears fill my eyes, thinking about him and what we went through without any meaningful reason. Sometimes I visualize of what might would've happened if I met him when he invited me to join those May '09 events. I might have covered my mouth to hide from him, seeing my big wide grin. Is it because of the movies or the inner girl with innocence, who wants to emerge by running towards him and hug him tightly?

Thinking itself under my circumstances, irks me out. Really for some reason, I feel so connected to him, feel like he is a part of me, feel like he understands me. I know that sounds so stupid.

During that time, he used to tweet about every minute detail like how he is planning to have a haircut or going for a shower after a hard day of work or done with homework. I enjoyed reading those but at the same time, it did not feel appropriate as who am I to him to know all these minute details. I'm the one who welcomed him to keep his Facebook profile private otherwise I'll be snooping which made the whole thing creepy and ugly. I'm the one who ruined the interaction between us and it was appropriate even though I feel miserable.

 So many times I knocked down his feelings as I felt like he was interacting 'cause he was bored and just want to time pass with me. Once he dialed home as a radio survey guy with an unknown number, I answered the call and I felt like it was him but I got scared to speak with him so I told the "radio survey guy" not to call again. I pleaded him to reveal himself by email but he did not and made me wait for twelve days with out any communication. So, I stopped interacting with him. But after New Year when holidays passed, he called me again with an unknown number and left a Facebook message of how he is feeling crappy at work on Monday Afternoon. I told him not to call again and if he is bored, go study or get involved in the stock market. But next time when he called with an unknown number and when I saw his Facebook message, he said he is done with homework, paid taxes and had a busy day so far. And when I told him to break up with me as we may not last forever and may break up 'cause of boredom, then he updated his profile saying that he is a loyal and trusted person to count on.

Like this, there were so many innocent and lovely moments. I really could have had a good friend forever, a person whom I can count on. But it was tough to see him close to someone other than me when I'm ineligible to be the one and immature to maintain a grown up status. I really don't know why he wanted to be in touch with me......... interacted and spent so much time on me when he has so many close friends like his ex-girlfriend or his new girlfriends. Does he feel the bond like the way I do? Does he have an emotional attachment towards me? Anyway, it was good I'm not in touch in any online format. As expected, if I break off from online interaction and not respond to any unknown calls, he disappeared like as if he never existed. I feel him in every strange or unknown or private numbers or any mysterious events.

My relationship with him is like coffee. Mmm...the aroma invites you but the acidity/bitterness pushes you off. The bond between us is the aroma but my ineligibility is the acidity/bitterness which is just inappropriate.

The things which he exposed me to:

YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Text messages, Private phone calls, 102.9, 106.1 radio music, Young American's life, Youngsters hip language, Outdoor Activities, Hunting, Mini Trucks, Fishing, Golf, Wine, Makeup, Dressing up pretty, Hope, Desires, Lovely feeling of being loved by someone, Craving for affection, Stalker's world, Obsession, Breakup, Depression, Anxiety, Aloofness and most of all stated that I'm not worthy enough to come back. And now to blogging.

Whatever it is, for some reason, how many days or months or years pass, there is a bright spot in me which awakens my hope on him like as if he is always there for me, even though, it is not true. Sometimes I feel like saying to myself, STOP IT! It sounds disgusting to have a feeling for someone other than your husband. But the pros say accept whatever it is as that's how it is. Sometimes I wonder, do I really love him or want to live in fantasy of being in love with someone? Sometimes, I feel desperate and wish to hear from him or else constantly worry that he'll forget about me as time creates the distance but sometimes I feel its good to have a prolong break and still after a long time, if you still have the same feelings then that's the true one til then I'd like to think him as a character from a book or a movie which I adored whom I cannot touch or reach and his existence is mere a make-a-believe, just an illusion.


Fast forward to exactly one year: Still miss you, pal but this time, a real pal whom I can't touch or see or who can never break my heart...just vanished in this big wide world...gave me hope,  and something positive to hold on to...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dizziness in Dreams means........

Am I not well? Today, I did not go for walk, instead thought to take a nap. As usual I started dreaming but this time it was so surreal. This is how I remember...after me and my husband had a get together with our friends whom I don't remember, I'm driving behind my husband's car. For some reason, we were in two different cars. I saw him talking with someone sitting in a passengers seat. I was seeing my car taking zigzag turns, making me feel dizzy but the weird thing was I couldn't understand how my car was driving by itself when I've the keys in my hand.Once I reached home, while my husband was busy chitchatting with his friends, I told my sister about my crazy drive and at the same time telling her about how I'm feeling dizzy. I saw myself twirling and falling to the ground in a slow process. I saw my hand touching the ground while I was landing with dizziness. Now, I'm fully awake but still not well at all.

So, what does it mean, when you feel dizzy in your dreams. Let us dig deeper.......shall we?

Dizziness in Dreams means........
To dream that you feel dizzy, symbolizes confusion. You are unable to make a decision or make up your mind about something. Concentrate on a focal point and learn to balance your choices.

Yeah, I know what I'm confused about and you also will know if you've  read about  my past indiscretions. Confused, unhappy whatever it is but now, I'm on the right path to distance myself from something which is not a part of my life. How much ever I abide to the rules I laid, I've this immense wish of at least once he gets back to me in a proper loving way and proclaims that he misses me. At least one person on this Earth shows up for me proclaiming that they love me unconditionally and letting me know that I'm worthy enough to be around their life as Huey Lewis song "Stuck With You" portrays. I want just once to feel that someone really values me and cares for me deeply. The time go through this wish, my thinking subdues me by telling me the reality that we both have no right on each other not even as friends. So, he'll never take that risk of coming out and sending an email or text or by any direct communication. I'm just not worthy enough. I'll never ever again do anything indirect or direct to let him know that I miss him. This is such a big world, if not one, you get someone. So, there is no chance of someone missing someone other then ridiculous "ME".

He labeled me as an immature and incredibly ridiculous person for communicating with him in an anonymous way but he never thought that at least I came in search of him. Like how many people really do that until that person really means a lot to them.Well, under my circumstances and with the way I was brought up, anybody would've acted out the same way. So, I feel nothing wrong with how I interacted. < Anyway, somethings in your life you'll never understand until you go through it. Its easy to label someone and not understand the inner meaning of person's actions. If love exists, it opens up all kinds of doors but when it doesn't, all you any see is EXCUSES.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Keep Your Circle Small!

The key for a successful and long lasting marriage is keeping your circle small. By that what I mean to say is to have smaller group of friends with whom you love to interact on weekends. More people the more messier life will become. On particular occasion, my husband got an invitation to watch football and the other one invited him for a walk. I personally feel that once you're married, you're obligated to spend alone time with your partner and group time as a couple with your friends as in this way, you'll always be part of your partners life. The whole point of marrying is to have a companion and not to feel lonely. To do things together and not have your own set of friends and set a time for your loved ones. Things don't work that away. Friends go and new friends come, but you can't change your partner as easily as friends. I've noticed couple of men who love to have man-o-man conversation and prefer to be away from wife even though they did not spend enough time with their partner. Why? That kind of scenario clearly states that things are not going that well. And those people definitely indulge other men to follow them.

Doing things as a family, thinking what's good for your kids, getting involved in their day to day life and relaxing at the end of the day while watching TV or a movie or talking about the day with your partner  makes and feels like you've a real life which everyone craves for it but when you've it, you won't cherish it. I strongly feel that once you're married, you need to do things together, particularly socializing after work hours. Girls and guys night out sounds fun but they are the just the starters which lead you to a wrong direction. Slowly but surely you'll drift away from your family and kids. Of course, everybody needs social interactions with friends but involve your spouse, and even sometimes your kids, make it wholesome. A tight knit family will create a bond between one another and which in turn creates openness and trust which in turn makes it easy for a family member to come out with whatever crisis an individual is going through. Actually sometimes I feel who needs friends when you've beautiful family to take care of and feel the family love. But there is a risk too, what if, they drift away by newly formed friends or demands of work then you'll be all alone with no friends. But then I think of people making new friends all the time. You may not have a closer friend on whom you can rely but only few lucky will find such a friend and the rest are just like passing clouds.

Remember the mantra, keep  your circle small. The lesser the space and lesser people, the more we are into the lives of people who are in the circle. Just visualize a small circle and think about what I'm saying. Walk inside the circle, you'll bump to someone or the other inside the circle and will start a conversation about everything in their life and in that no one is aloof.

Back in India, we never had a big house or a separate room for each kid. We used to sit together, watch TV together, study, tease each other and even fight with each other. We know about everybody and what they are up to? No place to hide. Some of the perks of having a small circle.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Am I Diana From Fly Away Home Novel?

I finished reading Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner which is about a fifty seven year old woman who is a wife of a senator and has two daughters. All three woman will face crisis in their life. In the wake and aftermath of scandal these three women are forced to face the truth about themselves including who they are, who they want to be and what they want out of life. The women deal with past issues as well as present.

The author did an awesome job of expressing the characters emotions, their thought process. The novel can easily turn into a LMN movie, at least I felt that way by reading and going through the emotions of each character.

I felt deeply connected to Diana's character who is an elder daughter of fifty seven year old Sylvie, wife of Senator Richard Woodruff. I did not do exactly like the way Diana had an extramarital affair with a twenty-five year old guy but like her fell for an emotional love and created a bond with "J".  Like her I went through desperation, rejection and finally unrequited love. When Diana leaves her husband and runs back to her lover Doug, before she enters in his room, I was like yeah, I know what will happen, she will catch him with other woman lying next to him on the bed. But, that did not turn true. He was as miserable as her sadness written all over his face but his problem was, he want someone with no kids. At the end instead of running through pages, I was patient and anticipated their reunion but to my dismay, the author did not feel like reuniting them. That means they both will go separate ways and will never meet each other again. Their love is so meaningless, the agonizing pain of going through break-up and the vain longing for each other is ridiculous. And so too was my case. When author has power of making something happen, why to stop...why not to unite them, why can't Doug come back and say, I cannot live without you..... I need you.... I want are my everything....I'm sorry......or at least beg for her valuable friendship. Why do they have to break away and live like as if that person doesn't exist anymore?

I just don't understand why God will make you go through somethings which has no meaning other than my own thinking of the word "KARMA". Maybe I tortured someone and ignored their love plea in my past life and he cursed me saying that I'll long for someone and go through the misery of an unrequited lover. When I was in my teens, I used to doubt unrequited lover's love when he/she finally decides to move on with life and run away from the lovers life. But been there and done that, I know the answer. Its hard to live everyday by thinking about the past, by living under the shadow of that person who doesn't care for you or has no place for you in their life. Can't escape from the life that exist so to live each and every day without misery, you need to move on. You've to act like you read a novel and you liked so and so character but the character vanished and so too the person to whom you got attached. Honestly, I thought I can be in touch with "J" by following him on the facebook, hunting or truck forums, basically by keeping an eye on his online presence. But after sometime I couldn't do even though he encouraged me to follow as living and breathing was becoming harder and constantly truth screaming at my face that I've no place in his life. I truly feel that when you love someone and if that person returns or reciprocates regardless of time will be the AWESOME thing in the whole wide world. Well, I did for him. I gave him that unexplainable overwhelming joy by finding him on the internet because I believed the moment which I had with him. Well, how do I know that it was just mere flirting and I like an idiot fell for that common human behavior. Nothing in this world is hard to explain or to get along with someone and to keep that bond forever if you really really love that person. I know he'll never write an email or correspond with me directly and I need to accept the way I was forced to accept that Diana and Doug are nothing for each other. I'm waiting to welcome September 23rd 2011 to proclaim my victory over keeping him at distance for an year after how the so called "love" drove me to anxiety, depression, and weight loss

Find happiness in what you've instead of chasing something which you don't as nothing in this world is permanent. Move on and grab what is in front of you as nothing lasts forever. Show love to your dear ones as they're the ones will pay double in return.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Post Royal Wedding Thoughts.....

Yes, I was one among two million Americans who watched the Royal Wedding. Some kind of excitement urged me to join hoopla created by media. Up until a week ago I had absolutely no interest in the Royal Wedding. But something happened over the past few days. I became obsessed.

As I watched, I couldn't stop myself thinking about how perfectly everything took place as if it was like a movie, even the weather co-operated as if the rain god too respects and obeys the Majesty.

The streets were so nicely decorated with flags and people dressed in bright colors looked so lovely and unbelievably true to eyes. I liked the way William looked at Kate through her veil and said she looks beautiful and I liked the way he looked at her while she was uttering the magic words of acceptance. Choosing one woman among so many would have been an uphill task and trusting that person that she will come true to what he saw in her rather than someone acting out to become princess. Even though media criticized the way he kissed her on the balcony, I liked it. It was a tender moment and little bit shyness and delicacy. When I looked at Kate in her wedding dress, I couldn't stop myself thinking of why it is so essential to marry when you're in early 20's as she missed the tender and innocent look on her face like the way Diana looked. But Kate and Will looked fabulous and perfect for each other. You can actually see the chemistry and understanding between each other. They were destined to be each others soul mates.

Even though I saw a perfect Prince and Princess marriage, I did not jump up and down or felt a wee bit jealous of why I am not part of that kind of love. May be I'm mature enough to know the truth that life is not that easy to be perfect all the time. After being in marriage, I know that just like normal people, they too will have In-laws problem, acting like superior breed of course here it might be true, arguments, egos, attention disorder, jealousness and what not, who knows frustration leading to infidelity. One good thing between them is they know about each other from a decade but, yeah, still "but" exist as new people are entering in their life so called family members and which leads to new laws, rules for which Kate need to abide.

So, all those who ate junk food and slouched on couch with grief seeing these beautiful groom and bride, an unimaginable love story............hold on, everything looks beautiful from far but once you come closer and closer, you'll see the cracks. Pictures always gives us illusions of like the world is so ravishingly beautiful but nothing is close to the truth. Cracks are part of life and part of us, that's how we are................need to love and cherish what we have and main thing is accepting of who we are and what we have then you'll enjoy your life because once its gone, it is gone baby. Enjoy while it lasts whatever it is.

While I was reading "The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers" by Meg Meeker, I came across on page 202 of how Indian mothers find solace by keeping the hope alive and if they were hopeless, they refused the illusion that they could fix many of their problems. They realized that many of their circumstances were out of control, so they didn't attempt to fix them. They surrendered. They had little legal recourse, sparse medical help, and no counseling for much of their psychological pain. They had no gyms to go to or ice cream in the freezer. They went to temples and pleaded and prayed. 

Being an Indian myself, the author is 100% right on this topic. It is so true.No wonder my mom never worried about how she looked by constantly thinking about wrinkles, make up and concealers. I never heard or seen my mom crying and sobbing constantly or thinking about going to Psychiatrist trip. I never heard from my mom saying that I'm bored of my life, I need therapy. I didn't even know that junk food helps you feel better when you are morose. Such topics never existed. They accepted and lived their life, the way the author described, by praying and accepting that this is how my life is and by being sincere and true to their circumstances.
 But here in USA, as the author says, We bat hope away once, and then we do it again and again. That is the problem number one. Problem number two happens when we try alternate paths to make our situations better, and the new paths fail. In short, we find wrong answers to out our problems because we use the wrong methods to fix them. If we are depressed, we drink. If we are mad, we scream at our kids. And is we are sad, we eat Haagan Das. If we are unhappy in marriage, we start having affairs. If the sun doesn't rise, we will figure out how to make it come up. We will make out frustration go away by doing something that will divert our attention and so make us feel better. Maybe we'll work harder at the office, take on more projects, etc, to avoid seeing we can't do a darn thing about the sun's behavior. Something or someone else is in charge of it. We compound our problems by trying the wrong solutions and thus hope disappears. 

No wonder botox, liposuction, concealers to hide our flaws and be perfect. I ask why? Why are they putting pressure on everybody instead of growing up wisely and gracefully. Don't think that I don't fall for these inventions. I do as society forces me to put on make up and look perfect and flawless. But sometimes I feel like living life like mom without worrying about makeup or perfect hair day or wrinkles or gray hair. Concentrate more on kids and their future.......bigger things in life.