Monday, April 4, 2011

A False Hope In The Desert

I'm in the midst of reading a novel "Desires Of The Dead" by Kimberly Derting. The innocent lover affair between Violet and Jay made me think about how badly I wanted to have that kind of special relationship with someone who gives me importance and make me feel special every instant of my life. I held on to this dream until I got married as I used to see lot of Indian love movies which always show innocent deep love affairs instead of adult way of love affairs which are more inclined towards sex. During that time, I was busy in getting degree rather then falling for someone but once I got married that too an arranged marriage, my dreams took nose dive and I completely forgot about falling in love or being loved unconditionally.


But everything changed when I met J , he reminded me about my dream. It was like for someone who always want to be an athlete, a runner but circumstances made them to forget about the dream but from somewhere a person comes and tells her "Hey kid, you are good at it. You should try to be a pro." And the kid will be like "Wow! really!, someone believes in me and thinks the same way I do." That's how his gaze towards me made me realize about my dream, my belief of someone loving me and having that innocent unconditional love affair. That's when a love plant burst in the desert with full of hope and life.


I was under his love spell for so long that I totally forgot that he was a stranger. I completely started believing in him and wrote so many emotional emails and got attached to him like as if he was my life. I couldn't understand the contrast between what I assumed as him being the new life and hope of the desert and the reality which was him, hooking up with different women. Even though it was a tease from him to make me feel jealous but my whole theory was based on this new life I found in the desert was suppose of make me happy and never hurt me. But it never happened that way. Two and half years of my life, all I did was being in pain and embarrassed myself with my emotional pleas to him to be nice with me. If I think of all that, I feel like puking. Why did I allow myself to fall for such a false hope? Why did I allow him to play such emotional games with me? Why did I go through this journey, at the end, only to feel hopeless? Why didn't I just give him my contact information and let him do the rest about how to be in touch with each other rather than beg and plea?

I came across a blogger through a dating perspective blog. She was in love with a guy for seven years. But broke off with him due to some misunderstanding but on March 6th, he passed away due to drunk drive accident. Now, she regrets about her decisions, about their fights and about the choices she made. My heart cries out for her and I feel and understand her pain and realize how fragile our lives are. That's when I think about J......I just want him to be happy and successful wherever or whomever he is with. I want him to take good decisions and not get involved in alcohol or any life threatening junk.  It doesn't matter if we are not in touch with each other, all I wanted is him to be safe.  And not to follow his life on the Internet but just assume and live that he is doing well and is happy. I don't care what state of mind I was there in past three years but I think deep down I really care for him a lot. I realized that you can forgive anybody for anything, if you really love them wholeheartedly. When I close my eyes, this is what I visualize of letting him fly away freely by blowing a feather from my palm.

Justin Hayward: Sometimes Less is More:

THIS TIME I'M NOT GONNA GO SO CRAZY
I'M NOT GONNA LET IT FAZE ME
I'M BUILDING MY RESISTANCE
BOUND TO KEEP MY DISTANCE

SLOWLY, DETERMINED TO TAKE IT SLOWLY

REFUSING TO LET IT THROW ME
FEELING EVERY FEELING
STARING AT THE CEILING

AND IF IT'S REAL, A HEART WILL KNOW

ALL THE TIME
AND COME THE SPRING, IT WILL GROW
OR DIE UPON THE VINE
BUT IF IT'S LOVE, LOVE WILL COME
KNOCKING AT MY DOOR
I DO BELIEVE IT NOW
SOMETIMES LESS IS MORE

THIS TIME I'M NOT GOING TO STOKE THE FIRE

I'M NOT GOING TO WALK THE WIRE
OH HEART YOU'VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON
LOVE IS NOT OBSESSSION

EASY, I SWEAR THAT I'LL TAKE IT EASY

AND PASSION YOU WON'T DECEIVE ME
I'LL HEAR THE MUSIC PLAYING
HEAR THE SONGBIRD SAYING

AND IF IT'S REAL, A HEART WILL KNOW

ALL THE TIME
AND COME THE SPRING, IT WILL GROW
OR DIE UPON THE VINE
BUT IF IT'S LOVE, LOVE WILL COME
KNOCKING AT MY DOOR
I DO BELIEVE IT NOW
SOMETIMES LESS IS MORE

AND IF IT'S REAL, I WILL KNOW

KNOW THIS TIME
AND COME THE SPRING, IT WILL GROW
OR DIE UPON THE VINE
BUT IF IT'S LOVE, LOVE WILL COME
KNOCKING AT MY DOOR
I DO BELIEVE IT NOW
SOMETIMES LESS IS MORE

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