Friday, April 1, 2011

April Is The Month To Get Out Of Love Addiction

Listening to Elton John's Tiny Dancer and simultaneously writing this post, making me sob unstoppably. I heard this song in American Idol and for some reason the song got stuck in my head and making me think about him. I even checked on many sites for the meaning of the song but no luck in finding the meaning. I just wonder why not even one reporter asked Elton John,  a simple and direct question about the meaning of the song instead of everyone coming up with their own theory.

I just don't understand what's wrong with my brain. Why I'm so attached to him? Why every time it pains to go away from him? Why do I have to chase him when he doesn't even belong to me. Why I can't be care-not?

This will be a huge month for me as I'll force myself to be away from his life. Last week, I made a resolution to not to check on him anymore. At one point, I fooled myself that I removed him from my brain and totally forgot about him in an instant and thought numerous times of how I fooled myself about the pain I went through thinking that it was special kind of love or a special bond between us and I even thanked God for this instant magic of pulling him apart from my life. I even had a very good sleep too but after five days, whenever I was near the laptop, my heart started pounding and made me anxious to check on him. That's how I found a way to check on his friends list on Facebook without logging in and found all his new girlfriends' best friends in his list and that shows how close they have been. That shows that I'm out of his world. Everybody moves on but I'm stuck. No sleep from two days. Even today morning, he was in my dreams....I said something in an affectionate tone but as usual he was harsh in his reply and that has woken me up. This kind of fooling myself that I-don't-care-for-him, happened too many times whenever I feel that he interacted with me like this time how I got a private call on my cell but once the time passes and no further interaction, I'll start swooning for some kind of news from him or else I'll panic and become overly anxious and sob relentlessly and go to depression. Is it love or is it fooling around or mental illness?

Many times I thought of not to go through anxiousness and just listen to my brain and stalk him on the Internet as it is harmless but whenever I do, I'll come across new information about his girlfriend and that really puts me into dark period and makes me go through hell with being in this sad, sad situation. Either, I need to have a heart that doesn't bother with what I see and accept that he moved on and doesn't care for me or I should block myself away from him and let him live happily without any constant scrutiny from me.

I'll be crossing everyday with red if I successfully end the day without checking on him.

April 1st: Don't care attitude
April 2nd and 3rd: Angry and felt good to maintain distance
April 4th: Slightly sad about how things turned out
April 5th: Sad and reminiscing the past year events during this month of how I pleaded him to reconcile and be friends again. Of course, he got the message but replied back in an arbitrary anonymous way which led us to be here, in this state of no communication. In between slightly delirious too and want to remain in a state of belief that he is somewhere there who once-upon-a-time-liked-me and will always-like-me-even-though-we-are-apart. Going on a roller coaster of mood swings from sadness to delirious state, anything better than chasing him though.
April 6th: Realizing that even if he interacts, I'll panic and distance myself by seeing his desperation. It scares the hell out of me to face the truth.
April 7th: Hoping that he will respect me and write a friendly email at least once in his life. I guess I'll carry this hope rest of my life. I am thinking about the reason why I'm not chasing him on the internet is to keep this hope alive 'cause if I chase and see him being busy with his life then my hope will dash forever. Took some crazy pictures of myself like the way his current girlfriend poses. Couldn't help myself to check out, how I look in those sexy-look poses. Dare I say, but I look cute. Waiting for my summer trip to India...I'll be free like a bird from the internet and him.
April 8th - April 18th: Keeping myself with art work, oil painting my parents old b/w picture. In between going through lot of anger and feel very good about keeping distance. Don't feel any kind of pressure to check on him. I feel so stupid of allowing him to correspond and harass me by arbitrary messages. From now on, either direct by a call or a text or email but not through any other means. Even if I get a direct response, I'll doubt whether its really him. I reached such a stage where I don't believe anything related to him. Everything is bogus and worthless! For a young person that too for a guy to keep thinking about one person for such a long time and be loyal to her is unnatural. So just accept that he won't ever come back. If he does and if we correspond again in this life then I swear, we are special for each other and once again a belief blooms that anything is possible. But I don't think so, I'll ever speak with him. I know he'll remember me for rest of his life, 'cause I gave him the Hollywood treatment, acted and chased him like he is a popular guy 'cause of my stupid brain. Yeah, insulting but have to take the pain 'cause of my stupid brain.
April 19th - April 22nd: Still the calls from 319 area code are coming. For some reason, I was thinking about how I contacted him online anonymously and did not confirm myself for three and half months. I did not do purposefully nor I enjoyed being anonymous. I was scared to approach him directly and I was not 100% sure about his feelings towards me. I wanted to confirm indirectly whether he reminisces about the time we were in each others presence. I was so deep in pain of him getting separated from my life. I wanted to contact him badly but I was scared. Now, I feel like he punished me by never interacting with me directly when we were in touch. He showed me hell by being indirect and sending arbitrary messages. Given a chance, I would like to convey him about what I went through during that time and not in a way, I played with his emotions. I guess it is too late. Out of the bloom, this song called Anamika means anonymous from an Indian movie, burst-ed in my brain from nowhere...

Meri Bheegi Bheegi Si, Palkon Pe Reh Gayee
Jaise Mere Sapne Bikhar Ke
Just like how my dreams were shattered and left wetness on my eyelids...

Jale Man Tera Bhi, Kisi Ke Milan Ko
Tujhe Bin Jaane, Bin Pehchaane
Anamika, Tu Bhi Tarse Anonymous, may your heart also crave and feel thirsty to meet someone

Tujhe Bin Jaane Bin Pehchane
Without knowing you, recognizing you

Maine Hriday Se Lagaya
I brought you close to my heart.

Par Mere Pyar Ke Badle Men Tuune
But in return of my love you�

Mujhko Ye Din Dikhalaya
showed me these days.

Jaise Biraha Ki Ritu Maine Kati
Like how I suffered the period of separation�

Tadapake Aanhen Bhar Bhar Ke
Tormented, sighing�.

Jale Man Tera Bhi, Kisi Ke Milan Ko
Anamika, Tu Bhi Tarse
Anonymous, may your heart also crave and feel thirsty to meet someone.

Who in right frame of mind, begs for love? Sighing....self-humiliated myself. I don't understand what took over me. Where was my sense? I swear something really overtook me and left me in such a shameful state. I struggled so much to keep myself away from him but now after all that I went through, I'm settled and don't feel any urge to check on him. Where was this sense when I needed the most? It would have spared me from embarrassment which I put on myself. I feel so angry on myself for insulting myself especially when I think of the begging part. Really, Why do I need his love? Why do I need anybody's love? Who cares? Today April 22nd, when I went for a walk, the weather was so perfect, just like last year when on April 20th, I wrote an email, pleaded and mentioned about how sorry I was for being rude and mentioned the Coldplay song "Scientist". He showed his pity love towards me that too by giving arbitrary messages. Who wants pity love? Either you love or don't. I don't need your pithiness. Good riddance! I totally acted out of my character, pleading him to be once again to be friends.  But he kept on playing online games by giving ambiguous messages. If he really felt my pain and was really a true friend, he would've not hurt me the way he did. I just stopped the whole mess by unsubscribing to his twitter messages. Not responding to private calls. I'll never ever believe in him again. I'll never respond or come to his online door steps. I'm DEAD for you. The crazy person is out of your life. That's the end of so called "LOVE".What hurts me most is how I thought he was so close to me but the whole time, he kept me at distance. Trying to be friendly online and indirect way but always rude in his direct messages.  Like as if I was in some fantasy world. Why God has made me to go through this pain when nothing in the end I gained other than embarrassing myself so easily?
Apr 23rd-Apr 30th: Today's date is May 1st. Yes, I was successful in keeping the distance......very proud indeed. Finally, I showed self-discipline. Not a word from me for seven months and not even a peek on the internet for the whole April month. But today on May 1st, I feel the inclination to check on him at least in forums. But I don't want to ruin the true distance I maintained for the whole April month. If I start once again, I'll follow the trend and will be back to my old days of chasing and getting depressed by the outlook. April 22nd, the 319 area code calls ended but in one way those calls kept me alive and closer to him as indirectly my brain urged me to believe that its him and which in its own way, gave me a strength to keep the distance. The last few days, I was thinking about why he couldn't talk directly ever with me and I strongly feel, it is due to lack of confidence on himself. He just didn't want to get caught of showing emotions or desperate interest due to pride. Well, if you have immense love for someone, it will break all the worlds barriers and I believe so truly in that concept. Look at the royal couples, Will have to finally put an end to his doubts, ego, pride, fear whatever and finally asks her to marry him and that's my friend, is true love. It pushes you to come out of your shell and gives you strength to express your inner feelings with pride. You no longer will feel shame to express. And if J ever had any feelings towards me, the same strength will force him to contact me. Til then Ciao my friend!!

I'll never harass myself by following him. It raises my heart beat, anxiousness shoots up and the emotions which I go through takes me to sad state. Almost like killing myself! Never again! I don't need his love or anything related to him.

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