Monday, March 28, 2011

This Is What I Call "LOVE"!! Huh! A PRIVATE CALL....Are You kidding?

You don't believe but something kind of miracle happened but it all depends on if I want to believe.

Please read my Friday post to know about how sick I was until I saw an unknown person's call on my cell. I never thought I will see again, a call from an unknown/unavailable/private number. But this is how I used to think that he used to communicate with me. Other than the October 2nd call, all calls were made my him, at least that's what I thought.

I was so shocked to see and thought am I drreaming?...can it be possible?....Are my eyes playing a game with me?....I was filled up with mixed emotions. But I quickly gained composure and decided not to believe in anything until its a direct email or text from him. Cause I trusted number of times in the past and begged him to acknowledge but he never did. His last call or indication was on Sep 22nd and now March 25th after six months of no link. I don't want to believe ever in arbitrary stuff. If he respects and misses me, he will do it in a straight way. And who knows, some kind of lousy telemarketing company too might have hidden their number. So, can't rely on it. Anyway, I have given up on him. After all, I am nothing for him and he has a new girlfriend. So, on what basis, should I dare to believe.

But if it is really true...........what can I say? Is this "love" or some kind of telepathy? How did he know of me being melancholy over him? Oh! I don't want to go there but that defines some kind of undefinable bond. It proves everything I ever believed in.

My heart wants to leap, feeling no boundaries....finally experiencing joy...liberation from gloominess. Finally feeling SPRING!! Jump with joy!!

 I want to sing and prance as if the beautiful and bright world is in my grasp and my heart is filled with joy which cannot be held anymore.
Joy has no boundaries.

But I'm holding up everything 'cause this kind of joy I felt before but later only to fall back on the ground. But you know, what I noticed is whenever I get some kind of interaction, of course an arbitrary interaction, I suddenly become confident, I get involved in kids studies or with piano, I feel like cleaning up the house, I feel like enjoying the weather by listening to tweeting birds and just enjoy the sun's brightness. I'm sleeping better too. Even though from outside, I may look dull and awful as I don't want to believe but inner me is feeling confidence and feeling the emotions of the situation but it is tightly lid and guarded securely.

The whole world looks "liking someone" or "loving someone" in a sexual way especially between a man and a woman but mine is not like that. I have no interest in sex or in extramarital affair. I just want someone to give me importance and like me for who I am.....just like me and feel that they really need me or give me some kind of importance and feel that I'm worthy enough for a long lasting loyal friendship. I want to rely on someone and hold on to that belief under any kind of circumstance, that person will always be there for me. Just like the movie "Neverland" where Johnny Depp loves KateWinslet unconditionally and creates some kind of bond even though they are not related to each other in any way. Even though, he may have flirted with me but for some reason or may be due to my ignorance of the world, I believed in him. Totally drowned myself in him. Not one day went by in two and half years, of me not thinking about him. He was always there with me in my happiness, gloominess, anger, frustration, stupidity, success.........but for now, I am sticking up to my new resolution of not checking up on him anymore on the internet. I don't want to believe in him anymore without proof. I don't to want to rely on something which is more of an illusion. I don't want to be unhappy anymore by chasing him or his girlfriends on the internet. 

I don't know what triggered in my brain that caused this bond, this belief in you, this craziness over you which prolonged for so long. I feel like I was trapped inside a bud with layers of fantasy petals showing off how amazing the world can be , once you enter the world of LOVE. Slowly the petals has fallen off, but with every fallen petal, it showed off, that how complex the relationships are and how fake the world of love is and how we are nothing for each other and in that way, I became free from the trap after going through the "Illusion Of Being In Love And Been Loved". Because of you, now, I understand the emotional journey of love, the in depth meaning of love songs and the temporary  mental illness of a so called lover.

I'm glad to close this chapter in my life. I'll not pursue or check on you. Our journey ends here. I come a long way to reach here where I have no hopes, no desires and no wishes. I'm a blank slate. I remember the days when I used to be panic stricken . I used many ways to block myself from searching for you on websites. I used to restrict myself from you, only to elevate my anxiousness. I used to feel queasy after three days if I didn't get arbitrary message from you. I begged you to correspond directly and wrote every minute thought of what I was going through.  I pleaded you infinite times to excuse me if I made you angry. I was pathetic even that I informed you. God...I was so terrible, thinking all that makes me feel like puking. Time heals the pain and that is so true. Everything takes its own time and that's what happened. Even though, I put a lot of effort in controlling myself, at the end, I couldn't. But now, for whatever reason, either due to God's presence or whatever, I don't want to come near you. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I'm FAMISHED!


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