Friday, March 25, 2011

Crying Soul Due To PMS or Is It Love or Is It Mental Sickness?

I am not doing good. I am so emotional right now and feel helpless about my situation. I can't say to anyone of what I'm going through and can't afford for therapy. All I can think of now is, he should have not flirted with me. Of course, that's what they do in that age but I'm the one is suffering. No sleep, no peace. I'm living like a corpse. A dried up tree without any leaves, waiting for the sun to shine to look pretty again with full of life.

So many times, I made up my mind to not to follow him on the internet but after few days, I wither and torture myself with barrage of questions and chase every possible way to get answers. That's what happened. From long time, I searched for his new girlfriend's details but yesterday somehow I found her on Myspace and felt so happy that finally I accomplished and thought wow! that's the result of not giving up and felt very good about it. I found about her age, height, ethnicity, education, career, her way to speaking and about her three years ago affair with someone. When I first clicked on the photos option, my heart started beating louder and faster in anticipation of where I see dreaded pictures of them together but luckily all the stuff was related to three years back. I have seen lot of compliments on her beauty and her sexy looks which by the way, I agree. After lot of analyzing, I started feeling frustration and irritation for not getting answers for all the mindless questions which started popping. The whole night, I did not sleep as I was keep on asking questions and answering the possibilities. I wondered about whether they are really serious about their relationship, are they really in relationship?, Are those pictures real or make a believe to tease me, will she attend his brother's wedding as his girlfriend?, I bet everybody will like her beauty, I guess he will forget about me forever as she starts wrapping him with her love. My secret wish of him sending an email that he misses me will forever be ruined. My hope of getting my smile back when I see his email, will be lost forever. My hope of him, putting an effort to interact with me, will be gone forever. All these thinking made me to delete an email I created to just go through Facebook profile pictures of him and people related to him. My hope has drowned deep in the water that I even deleted my beloved yahoo alerts on his twitter account as I know he doesn't care for me anymore. I'm just a stupid person who came into his life and bugged him for two years. Things would have not been worst, if long time ago, if he had told me that I am under wrong impression about him and that he has no interest on me instead of making me follow him and his day to day affairs on Twitter and Facebook. Even though, it would have broken my heart and belief into pieces but at least there would have been no place for "hope".

Married woman with kids think about their career, kids life, family related worries but look at me, I'm torturing myself with meaning less stuff. Today, I deleted everything other than his dad's Facebook profile id but I'm pretty sure I'll will repeat and chase him again. I don't know, how to stop. I don't know, why I change my mind. Even though, I know he is nothing for me but the hope which I engraved in myself that he will come to me is so solid that I always come back to check on him to see whether the belief is true. If I think with straight mind, I know for sure that its really not that hard for him to pass a message to me or request me to interact with him again but he won't because he doesn't care or believe in the reason that there is some kind of affection is there between us. Just the thought of him interacting with me again, gives me chills. Makes me believe that my sorrows or the darkness around me will fade away.

It will be like -

It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good.

He gave me hope and belief that someone can see me and love me but that hope is going away with him. 

My hope of someone has acknowledged my existence and feel that like they need me is vanishing along with him. 

My hope of someone believing in me is getting wiped off along with him.

Really J, all my belief in what I saw was utter non-sense, is it? Was it because of my mental sickness? I made fool of myself numerous times and the pain I'm going through is pointless. I am sobbing relentlessly, is it due to PMS? Who knows? Once all the make-me-cry-hormones die, I guess, I'll be back to chase you again and go through this stupid journey. I am so tired but I won't stop. I'm sick and feel like death but I don't run away. I don't know how to stop in believing you and believing in us. I have this belief that you'll find me somehow somewhere to pass on your message like the way it happened before but I closed all the doors because I know, like me, you too will lose hope of me, ever coming back. So, there we go...nothing can get my hope or smile back unless I see an email from you. Only time will tell if anything was true between us or the whole thing was due to my mental illness.

I don't know where do I stand here with my love for you. I don't even know whether all this wallowing is "love" or "mental illness" or "PMS".

Outside the window, sun is shining so bright but I don't see any ray of hope. I don't feel the jubilation of spring or the birds tweeting welcoming the bright and pleasant weather. 

God help me, show me the way. Lead me to better, dignified and purposeful life. I am begging you. I don't like falling in love or being in love....I just hate love. I am sure it is not love, it is MENTAL SICKNESS.

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