Friday, March 4, 2011

Regrets Of My Life

They always say that live your life with no regrets. But life is too long to lead a life with no regrets. The older you become, the wiser you will become and wiser you are, the more you regret about your past deeds.

When I recall my life so far, I came up with five regrets. The once which makes me feel embarassed.

The first regret happened when I was in my early teenage years. For wrong reasons, I showed interest on a boy who used to work as a tailor in front of my house. I was not really interested in him but I wanted him to show interest on me than on my elder sister. Somehow, I managed to do it but when he was totally head over heels for me, I pushed him off thinking that what I was doing with a guy like that and even threw the ring which he gave it to me as a present. I never bothered to explain to him of why I was acting like that but just acted out like don't-bother-me-anymore-ever. After that, he returned to his village and never came back again.

My second regret happened when I was in my late teenage years. After many many years, my childhood friend who was a boy came to see me but instead of greeting him properly, I never even showed up my face. Even though, I wanted to see and meet him, I was shy. But now, if I think about it, who will really understand and think that I didn't meet him because of shyness, it might have looked like being an arrogant person. Now, I can never ever meet him again.

My third regret happened when I was in my early twenties. I was mean, selfish and was not a good friend at all to my friend who was my best friend all throughout my graduation and post graduation years. I used to drive a two wheeler to college. Even though I used to enjoy driving, I was scared to drive alone so wherever I used to go, my friend used to accompany me. I don't remember exactly but some fight happened between us and she stopped coming with me. It was like a death for me as I felt she betrayed me by ditching me as she knows pretty well that I was scared to death to drive alone. That's when I kept a grudge over her so when I got a chance to do a project in my final years of Masters degree, I ditched her when I know for sure that she will get screwed if I don't make her my partner. At that crucial moment, I betrayed her by explaining to myself that nothing is wrong but deep in my conscious I know I did wrong and apparently I still regret. Even though, we have spoken after that incident, we were not able maintain our "good buddies" status. Now, she lives in Florida. She keeps in touch with other classmates but remained distant with me. I wished on her birthday but she won't even wish or remember my birthday.

My fourth regret too happened in early twenties when I finished my Masters and got married the same year. If I had a courage and a right attitude, til now I would have been an IT manager in some reputed company and would have been earning six figure salary but I chose to be something else. I did not plan about my life of how I wanted, what are my future plans, where do I want to be next five thoughts. I was scared to work in America so I told my husband that I want a break for six months before I start my career but that six months turned out to be countless years. I tried to correct that mistake many times in my life but luck never was on my side.

My final and worst regret so far is falling for a young guy. Not even just falling but chasing and leading myself to depression, anxiety and under weight.  Every day when I think of it, I feel like puking, totally disgusted. But trust me, this one, I did not have any control on my brain. I tried so much but my brain kept on pushing me towards him. I just couldn't be away from him. My anxiousness level used to go so high if I did not interact. I had to check for his news everyday or else I used to have nervous break down. I used many ways to stop myself from going to anything which is related to him, but the more I stopped myself, the more worst I used to feel. I wrote countless emotion filled letters, thought every second about a stranger for two and half years. If he did not respond the way I wanted him to, I understand well, his brain was working and mine was not. From Wednesday, from the time I saw him with his new girlfriend, my brain started seeing him as a total stranger. The bond I felt for him finally broken. I can browse on the computer or live alone in a house and don't have to worry of checking on him. Those two things like living alone in the house and browsing on a computer used to worry me so much as I always used to browse for him and used to get caught of him knowing what I am up to but now, I'm firm about deleting my facebook account too and in that way, he will never know anything about my life.

I totally want to vanish from him as I'm so ashamed of myself. I want to forget and think this as a bad dream. I don't want to live every day in sorrow. I don't want to worry about whom he is dating or how she is like or how bad I look or how I am becoming old or about how to dress up to look fabulous like his girlfriends. I can live my life the way I want to without being worried about what he is up to or does he remember me or does he like me or hate me or cursing me or will ever interact with me. I don't care anymore. I am tired of me being tired and gloomy. It used to be such a challenge for me to sit in front of a computer without browsing or researching on his friends to find his current affairs. I was in total mess. Really makes me wonder, how can my brain be so delusional and how can it get corrected by itself and make me look like as if I woke up after a long long time. Wish I could erase each others brain about each other and in that way I don't have to go through regret and foolishness.

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