Monday, March 28, 2011

This Is What I Call "LOVE"!! Huh! A PRIVATE CALL....Are You kidding?

You don't believe but something kind of miracle happened but it all depends on if I want to believe.


Please read my Friday post to know about how sick I was until I saw an unknown person's call on my cell. I never thought I will see again, a call from an unknown/unavailable/private number. But this is how I used to think that he used to communicate with me. Other than the October 2nd call, all calls were made my him, at least that's what I thought.

I was so shocked to see and thought am I drreaming?...can it be possible?....Are my eyes playing a game with me?....I was filled up with mixed emotions. But I quickly gained composure and decided not to believe in anything until its a direct email or text from him. Cause I trusted number of times in the past and begged him to acknowledge but he never did. His last call or indication was on Sep 22nd and now March 25th after six months of no link. I don't want to believe ever in arbitrary stuff. If he respects and misses me, he will do it in a straight way. And who knows, some kind of lousy telemarketing company too might have hidden their number. So, can't rely on it. Anyway, I have given up on him. After all, I am nothing for him and he has a new girlfriend. So, on what basis, should I dare to believe.

But if it is really true...........what can I say? Is this "love" or some kind of telepathy? How did he know of me being melancholy over him? Oh! I don't want to go there but that defines some kind of undefinable bond. It proves everything I ever believed in.




My heart wants to leap, feeling no boundaries....finally experiencing joy...liberation from gloominess. Finally feeling SPRING!! Jump with joy!!





 I want to sing and prance as if the beautiful and bright world is in my grasp and my heart is filled with joy which cannot be held anymore.
Joy has no boundaries.






But I'm holding up everything 'cause this kind of joy I felt before but later only to fall back on the ground. But you know, what I noticed is whenever I get some kind of interaction, of course an arbitrary interaction, I suddenly become confident, I get involved in kids studies or with piano, I feel like cleaning up the house, I feel like enjoying the weather by listening to tweeting birds and just enjoy the sun's brightness. I'm sleeping better too. Even though from outside, I may look dull and awful as I don't want to believe but inner me is feeling confidence and feeling the emotions of the situation but it is tightly lid and guarded securely.

The whole world looks "liking someone" or "loving someone" in a sexual way especially between a man and a woman but mine is not like that. I have no interest in sex or in extramarital affair. I just want someone to give me importance and like me for who I am.....just like me and feel that they really need me or give me some kind of importance and feel that I'm worthy enough for a long lasting loyal friendship. I want to rely on someone and hold on to that belief under any kind of circumstance, that person will always be there for me. Just like the movie "Neverland" where Johnny Depp loves KateWinslet unconditionally and creates some kind of bond even though they are not related to each other in any way. Even though, he may have flirted with me but for some reason or may be due to my ignorance of the world, I believed in him. Totally drowned myself in him. Not one day went by in two and half years, of me not thinking about him. He was always there with me in my happiness, gloominess, anger, frustration, stupidity, success.........but for now, I am sticking up to my new resolution of not checking up on him anymore on the internet. I don't want to believe in him anymore without proof. I don't to want to rely on something which is more of an illusion. I don't want to be unhappy anymore by chasing him or his girlfriends on the internet. 

I don't know what triggered in my brain that caused this bond, this belief in you, this craziness over you which prolonged for so long. I feel like I was trapped inside a bud with layers of fantasy petals showing off how amazing the world can be , once you enter the world of LOVE. Slowly the petals has fallen off, but with every fallen petal, it showed off, that how complex the relationships are and how fake the world of love is and how we are nothing for each other and in that way, I became free from the trap after going through the "Illusion Of Being In Love And Been Loved". Because of you, now, I understand the emotional journey of love, the in depth meaning of love songs and the temporary  mental illness of a so called lover.


I'm glad to close this chapter in my life. I'll not pursue or check on you. Our journey ends here. I come a long way to reach here where I have no hopes, no desires and no wishes. I'm a blank slate. I remember the days when I used to be panic stricken . I used many ways to block myself from searching for you on websites. I used to restrict myself from you, only to elevate my anxiousness. I used to feel queasy after three days if I didn't get arbitrary message from you. I begged you to correspond directly and wrote every minute thought of what I was going through.  I pleaded you infinite times to excuse me if I made you angry. I was pathetic even that I informed you. God...I was so terrible, thinking all that makes me feel like puking. Time heals the pain and that is so true. Everything takes its own time and that's what happened. Even though, I put a lot of effort in controlling myself, at the end, I couldn't. But now, for whatever reason, either due to God's presence or whatever, I don't want to come near you. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I'm FAMISHED!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Crying Soul Due To PMS or Is It Love or Is It Mental Sickness?

I am not doing good. I am so emotional right now and feel helpless about my situation. I can't say to anyone of what I'm going through and can't afford for therapy. All I can think of now is, he should have not flirted with me. Of course, that's what they do in that age but I'm the one is suffering. No sleep, no peace. I'm living like a corpse. A dried up tree without any leaves, waiting for the sun to shine to look pretty again with full of life.


So many times, I made up my mind to not to follow him on the internet but after few days, I wither and torture myself with barrage of questions and chase every possible way to get answers. That's what happened. From long time, I searched for his new girlfriend's details but yesterday somehow I found her on Myspace and felt so happy that finally I accomplished and thought wow! that's the result of not giving up and felt very good about it. I found about her age, height, ethnicity, education, career, her way to speaking and about her three years ago affair with someone. When I first clicked on the photos option, my heart started beating louder and faster in anticipation of where I see dreaded pictures of them together but luckily all the stuff was related to three years back. I have seen lot of compliments on her beauty and her sexy looks which by the way, I agree. After lot of analyzing, I started feeling frustration and irritation for not getting answers for all the mindless questions which started popping. The whole night, I did not sleep as I was keep on asking questions and answering the possibilities. I wondered about whether they are really serious about their relationship, are they really in relationship?, Are those pictures real or make a believe to tease me, will she attend his brother's wedding as his girlfriend?, I bet everybody will like her beauty, I guess he will forget about me forever as she starts wrapping him with her love. My secret wish of him sending an email that he misses me will forever be ruined. My hope of getting my smile back when I see his email, will be lost forever. My hope of him, putting an effort to interact with me, will be gone forever. All these thinking made me to delete an email I created to just go through Facebook profile pictures of him and people related to him. My hope has drowned deep in the water that I even deleted my beloved yahoo alerts on his twitter account as I know he doesn't care for me anymore. I'm just a stupid person who came into his life and bugged him for two years. Things would have not been worst, if long time ago, if he had told me that I am under wrong impression about him and that he has no interest on me instead of making me follow him and his day to day affairs on Twitter and Facebook. Even though, it would have broken my heart and belief into pieces but at least there would have been no place for "hope".

Married woman with kids think about their career, kids life, family related worries but look at me, I'm torturing myself with meaning less stuff. Today, I deleted everything other than his dad's Facebook profile id but I'm pretty sure I'll will repeat and chase him again. I don't know, how to stop. I don't know, why I change my mind. Even though, I know he is nothing for me but the hope which I engraved in myself that he will come to me is so solid that I always come back to check on him to see whether the belief is true. If I think with straight mind, I know for sure that its really not that hard for him to pass a message to me or request me to interact with him again but he won't because he doesn't care or believe in the reason that there is some kind of affection is there between us. Just the thought of him interacting with me again, gives me chills. Makes me believe that my sorrows or the darkness around me will fade away.

It will be like -

It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good.

He gave me hope and belief that someone can see me and love me but that hope is going away with him. 

My hope of someone has acknowledged my existence and feel that like they need me is vanishing along with him. 

My hope of someone believing in me is getting wiped off along with him.


Really J, all my belief in what I saw was utter non-sense, is it? Was it because of my mental sickness? I made fool of myself numerous times and the pain I'm going through is pointless. I am sobbing relentlessly, is it due to PMS? Who knows? Once all the make-me-cry-hormones die, I guess, I'll be back to chase you again and go through this stupid journey. I am so tired but I won't stop. I'm sick and feel like death but I don't run away. I don't know how to stop in believing you and believing in us. I have this belief that you'll find me somehow somewhere to pass on your message like the way it happened before but I closed all the doors because I know, like me, you too will lose hope of me, ever coming back. So, there we go...nothing can get my hope or smile back unless I see an email from you. Only time will tell if anything was true between us or the whole thing was due to my mental illness.



I don't know where do I stand here with my love for you. I don't even know whether all this wallowing is "love" or "mental illness" or "PMS".

Outside the window, sun is shining so bright but I don't see any ray of hope. I don't feel the jubilation of spring or the birds tweeting welcoming the bright and pleasant weather. 


God help me, show me the way. Lead me to better, dignified and purposeful life. I am begging you. I don't like falling in love or being in love....I just hate love. I am sure it is not love, it is MENTAL SICKNESS.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Breaking News About J

Just now, I came across from his dad's FB that his younger brother is going to get married in June and his mom is trying to sell the house so she can move with her husband who lives in Phoenix as he accepted the job offer as a director for semi conductor company. That makes me wonder, what will happen to J. Will he move to Phoenix or will he live alone and has to pay a rent for some apartment? Fell sorry for him as he needs to live alone.

That's what is life. Once kids grow older, the family splits up and everybody moves on with their lives. Do you think he will inform me about his brothers marriage? Anyway during that time I'll be in India. Whenever I leave Dallas to any part of the world, I used to feel sad as I'll be far off from him but this time even though I am sad, a part of me wants to go away far. I wonder whom he will choose as his girlfriend for his brothers wedding. He too would have been ready for marriage if his ex did not break up with him after three years of being together. Kudos to his brother, who was sure of what he wanted and kept a good relationship with his fiancee even though he was away for studies in different part of Texas.


I even came across about J being t-boned in an accident and that caused a huge dent on his new truck. Hope nothing happened to him. Take care J. Thinking of you moving away from Texas makes me feel sad but one way you will be under your mom's love and care. I don't think so you'll leave all your friends, job and live with your parents in Phoenix. Where will you go? How will you live alone? Yep, I know, I don't have to worry. You are old enough to take care of yourself and find a girl of your dreams and live with her happily. I feel sometime that you'll be back to your ex as I know even though you both fight, she has affection for you and you are a loyal in nature so I think you may get back with her or this new girl with whom you are posing now a days on Facebook.

A personal story about "True Love" has filled my eyes with tears. Read and enjoy!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Life Was Almost Like A LMN Movie

After watching the movie "He Loves Me" on LMN, I am speechless and doubting myself whether the struggle which I went through for a guy for two and half years is real or something which I made up in my head. Oh how I wish, he could confirm. Just like the movie, there is no real base for me to say that we communicated with each other for two and half years after he quit the place where we met.


Either he watched a lot of LMN movies with his Ex or there is no truth to what I saw about the way he communicated. We spoke twice on the phone and in both cases, the calls were based on him breaking up and letting me know that he is not interested. All his twitter, facebook messages or calls were all arbitrary and anonymous.  I cut off my communication with him because nothing looked real for me. I doubted myself so many times whether anything is true. If I think about it, I feel sad. I opened up and shown my vulnerabilities and expressed my every thought in my emails to him. I am so embarrassed.

God, if I made up the whole thing then something is totally wrong with me. That was the reason, I decided on September 23rd 2010 when I did not receive any call after I told him to call on so and so date and time but nothing happened and that's when I made a firm decision if anything is true, if he had any affection for me or thinks I'm worth to take risk of communicating directly like the way ordinary people do, then he'll make it happen. Months passed and as usual I thought due to being mentally sick or reality but he communicated with me indirectly. But if I recollect past events, he sent me one and only one message of him being tired and wanted me to stop sending messages after I sent a nasty email about asking him about the motive behind anonymous interaction. If he wanted, he could have made all his social networking sties private and not wait until I told him to do so. If I made the whole thing, why will he wait to reply or send a text message after more than an year of me sending countless emails and text messages. So, that's the only reasonable answer I can find to declare myself that I was not insane. Coming to conclusion of breaking up with him itself proves that I'm not mentally sick. But I do follow him still on the internet and make up my own stories if something happens but sometimes I can't make any sort of story as it looks ridiculous.

Only God and he knows, what's the truth............til he says something, everything will always look like fictitious.

Hold The Fat, Not The Flavor - Baked Jalapeno Poppers

Baked Jalapeno Poppers

INGREDIENTS:
  • 16 jalapenos, split lengthwise, seeds and membranes removed
  • 1 (8 ounce) package low-fat cream cheese, room temperature
  • 1/2 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella
  • 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 2 1/2 cups cornflakes
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 1 egg, plus one egg white, lightly beaten

METHOD:
Preheat oven to 400°F. Coat a baking sheet with nonstick cooking spray.
In a bowl, combine cream cheese and mozzarella, and salt. Use a spoon to fill the cavity of each jalapeno with the mixture, pressing down to pack it in.
In a food processor or in a sealable plastic baggy, finely crush cornflakes. Season with salt and pepper. Dredge each jalapeno first in the flour, then the egg (letting the excess drip off), and then completely coat in cornflakes. Place on baking sheet and lightly spray with cooking spray. Bake 20-25 minutes, until golden brown.

Check few more fat free junk food recipes at CBS "The Early Show".

Best Popular Beauty Products

Picking beauty products to use regularly can be difficult, with so many to choose from. But on CBS "The Early Show" Tuesday, style and beauty expert Jenn Falik pointed to many top-sellers that have stood the test of time -- everything from cleansers and moisturizers to makeup and hair products. They're used by makeup artists and skincare professionals, as well as real women across the globe.

Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser
Originally formulated for dermatologists and now heavily recommended by them. Cetaphil is great for daily makeup removal -- gentle on skin. It won't strip the skin of natural protective oils or disturb skin's natural pH balance. It's fragrance-free and non-comedogenic (won't clog pores). $8 at drugstores nationwide
Aveeno Daily Lotion
Contains natural oatmeal blended with rich emollients to moisturize skin for a full 24 hours. The oatmeal formula also helps prevent and protect dry skin. Provides temporary relief of the scaling and chapping caused by dry skin. The nourishing, non-greasy formula absorbs quickly. It's fragrance free and won't clog pores, leaving skin soft, smooth and naturally healthy-looking. $9 (12 oz] Available at national food stores, drug and mass merchandisers
Clarins Beauty Flash Balm
A pick-me-up for tired, stressed skin. It instantly moisturizes, brightens, and tightens facial contours so skin looks rested and relaxed. The beauty balm minimizes appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. Its non-oily formula prepares skin for perfect makeup application and hours of luminous wear. It costs $45 and is available at Nordstrom and Bloomingdales stores, and online at Clarins.com.
Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer
Contains SPF 20. It's a buildable formula with a natural, dewy finish that can be used for all skin types, but especially sensitive, oily and acne-prone skin. It evens the complexion and provides light-weight, oil-free moisture. It's fragrance-free and dermatologist-tested. It costs $42 and is available at Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, Nordstrom, Bloomingdale's, Sephora and www.lauramercier.com.
Yves Saint Laurent Touche ýclat Radiant Touch Concealer
This luminizing pen brings light and radiance to the skin. It immediately erases any signs of fatigue, and brightens the complexion. This product is loved by models, makeup artists, celebrities, and women everywhere. It's like eight hours of sleep and an instant pick-me-up in a magic wand. It delivers instant radiance, luminosity, and lift while banishing shadows and tired-looking eyes by adding light. This creates an instant lift to the eye area. Best of all, it's formulated for all skin types. It costs $40 and is available at Sephora and Sephora.com.
L'Orýal Paris Voluminous Mascara
Provides luxuriously full lashes like you've always dreamed of in an instant. Beloved for its clump-resistant, flake-proof properties, it's the preferred mascara of professional makeup artists worldwide. Uniquely formulated to resist clumping, it softens lashes and build lashes to 5-times their natural thickness. It costs $7.25 and is available at www.lorealparis.com and chain drug, food and mass market retailers nationwide.
Physicians Formula Bronzer Collection
In 1997, Physicians Formula introduced its Powder Palette Bronzer, the first mass market bronzer, which essentially created the popular bronzer category. Since then, Physicians Formula has dominated the bronzer sector, earning its reputation as the No. 1 brand in bronzers. Skin radiates with a youthful bronze glow that lasts all day. It's hypoallergenic, fragrance free, oil-free, non-pore-clogging and dermatologist-approved. It ranges in price from $9.95 - 14.95, and is available at mass market and drugstores nationwide.
Urban Decay All Nighter Long Lasting Makeup Setting Spray
Formula mists on, ensuring that your makeup won't budge for 16 hours. Weightless but powerful, its temperature control technology keeps your makeup from melting down when it's warm and humid, or dehydrating when it's cold and windy. It prevents loss of color, melting, sliding, caking, cracking, excess shine, fading blush, drooping eye shadow and lip color disappearance. The spray is formulated to resist moisture, so you can sweat, cry, etc. It should be the final step to your makeup routine -- just a couple sprays on top of your makeup and you're out the door. It costs $29, Available at Ulta, Sephora, Beauty.com and UrbanDecay.com.
Carol's Daughter Hair Milk
This is a styling aid for already-defined curls that need control. It's fast-absorbing formula tames frizz with a natural blend of essential oils. Curls are left soft, bouncy and manageable. Vitamin C protects hair from environmental damage. Apricot Kernel Oil increases moisture. Cocoa and Shea Butters condition the scalp and hair. It costs $20 (10 oz) and is available at CarolsDaughter.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Oh! How I Hate Fulfilling Married Couples Sex Responsibility

Lately, me and my husband argue a lot about having sex. I am just not into it. I feel it as boring and something which is forced upon me as I am a married woman.


My husband becomes so pathetic and puts on act of being so involved in me, when I know that its all fake. He becomes so distant and acts like a roommate when I'm going through my periods. During my last period, I went through viral fever and bad cough. He was like a stone without any compassion being in himself, didn't bother to show empathy at all. Day six comes and he will be like he is back from his traveling job to sweet home.  The atmosphere at home changes, liveliness comes back and we all be back with conversations and happily involved with each other as he shares his work stories or news.

This is the article, he forwarded it to me.

"When your relationship isn't a humdrum affair, then why should your sex life be dull and lifeless? There's more to a rocking sex life than just simple, great sex.

A marvelous sexual connection includes different kinds of sex, even the ones you haven't dared to experiment with perhaps. Check out the different kinds of love making acts you and your lover can indulge in for a night of passion.

Experimental sex
Couples in long-term relationship often opt for this kind of act as they miss the excitement and lust filled initial-days of their relationship. With time, a couple's love life loses its zing and to get it back one needs to try new things. "Try pushing the regular comfort zones. It may mean trying a new position or a new room in the house; you can even go for thrilling experiences like making love on the terrace or in the balcony or at some public place." explains Meera Wahi, married for last nine years.

Why to try : There's nothing like the moment when you're struggling for breath thinking, "That was amazing, we've never done that before." Experts suggest that no matter how long you've been in a relationship, you need to have an earth-shattering sexual experience every once in a while. What's more try pushing the boundaries, as this will heighten the trust between you two, create an exceptional comfort level and minimise the possibilities of casual flings outside the relationship. So, go ahead and clue in to your partner's covert bedroom urges to transform the every-night mediocre sex to a mind-blowing encounter. You'll harvest the sensually gratifying perks too.

Necessary sex
Necessary sex can be explained as 'just-for-the-heck-of-it sex', which is vital for a long-term relationship to retain its sexual spark. These are your very special, intimate 'me-time' moments which relieve stress, burns calories and lift spirits. Supports Mihika, a 31-year-old, new mom, "As a new mom, I am tired most of the times. However, I make special effort to get going in the bed and this makes me feel closer to him. Even if the sex isn't that good, it feels like the relationship has become stronger."
Why to try : Necessary sex is all about decreasing sexual anxiety, accomplishing the Big O, and feeling good about your sexual prowess. Experts say that regular physical contact actually tunes the brain into the need to feel emotionally close. By making sex a regular habit, you can open new avenues of bonding as a couple. Moreover, doing it sometimes when you are not in the perfect mood can gear you up for something much hotter the next time around. And most importantly, don't forget how much a hit-the-roof orgasm does to keep your sex spark bright.

Bummer sex
Admit it, for it's something that's bound to happen. An awkward grunt, a stupid expression, somebody walking in unexpectedly or may be slipping down the bed, all of us can have these embarrassing moments that we would like to ideally forget. Akhil, a 27-year-old choreographer, recollects, "We'd been together since last one year. The last time we were having sex, her roommate just walked in. We didn't know what to say. Finally I said, 'Whoops!' and we laughed our heart out. The voyeurism added to the fire, needless to say."

Why to try : Don't fret about imperfect moments in your sex life; just rejoice and hold your lover tight. Your ability to deal with embarrassing situations reflects the strength of your relationship, say experts. Real understanding is about being able to feel at ease with each other in awkward circumstances as well. Emotional presence and trust is the biggest aphrodisiac of all and often provides the sexual thrill which can last a lifetime. React positively to embarrassing sexual mishaps and she will add funny, cute and smart to her mental list of reasons as to why she chooses to be intimate with you.

Vacation sex
A new, romantic locale often allows lovers to rediscover each another in a new light. Amidst trying different platters, adventure sports or checking out a variety of nightlife activities, every evening feels like a special date night. Vacation sexcapades act as a catalyst to reignite the passion in a relationship and make a couple feel more connected. "When on a vacation, you're at your most carefree best, which means you can try out new things you won't have to be accountable for at home. We went to Kerala on a friend's recommendation, and needless to say we had the best sex ever," shares Sidhartha, a 39-year-old business man.

Why to try : Something about leaving the laptop behind, turning the cell phone off and relaxing makes the sex better. Experts say that being in a totally alien environment sparks a sense of adventure and boldness in couples. All of this adds up to stimulating sex, which is more gratifying and more memorable than what couples have at home. Moreover, a vacation is the best place to get 'sexperimental'. When people encounter new experiences, dopamine spikes in the brain, eliciting a feeling of all encompassing lust. This is one of the reasons a vast majority of relationship counsellors recommend regular getaways as one of the things that can help strengthen your bond.

Make-up sex
There is nothing like engaging in a sexual reconciliation after a long, gut-wrenching argument. The quality of such sex is directly proportional to the amount of time spent apart; courtesy - the phenomenal release of emotions. "After all the screaming and blaming is over and we proceed towards reconciling, I fall in love with him all over again. This after-fight sex gives me the same kick as that 'beginning sex' when we first meet. All of that anger is released into passion and it's like we just want to tear down the place," admits Mehul, who's been married for seven years.

Why to try : Experts believe that make-up sex is a quick and effective way to get rid of the frustrations from a past argument. Also, it gives women the opportunity to be sexually aggressive, which might be a welcome change. This kind of sex is overloaded with passion because you have the rush of very intense emotions, from anger to joy. And when you're intimate like that, you're likely to have a strong orgasm, which releases Oxytocin, the bonding hormone which creates a physiological bonding mechanism between you and your beau. "

I am so annoyed and feel so frustrated. I feel like screaming out loud "I AM NOT INTERESTED." I am more into cuddle but he won't understand. He thinks that sex is so important part of marriage. I argue that its plays only a minute part of it. He thinks that due to him having passion for me and that leads him to feel like having sex and I argue that its just a leak-time as pressure is building up inside and its time to ejaculate.

I can easily compare myself with  Emma Pillsbury, the guidance counselor from Glee. Have to watch few more episodes to find out why she is like that, maybe Glee will answer why I feel the way I feel about sex.





Do people hype about sex or  is it really ooh and aah's? Do we really have to spend our valuable time on bed doing sex instead of sleeping cozily?

Monday, March 14, 2011

I'm Not Far Away From You

Even though countless times, determined myself of not to be an internet ghost, I failed miserably. I just have to accept it and move on that I'm stupid.



And I fall under those people, who are chasing something which doesn't belong to them. Feel so awful but I don't learn any damn lesson. I just have to accept that I can't hate him and as I promised to him that I'll be in-touch with him from far will apparently be true. I keep on thinking day and night and try to analyze the story behind each Facebook profile picture. Ahh...how I hate myself? The more I decline or run away from the truth, the difficult its becoming to breathe. I know, I should not have any feelings or thoughts for him but the truth is I have. Even though, everything about him is not ideal to my life and to my circumstances, for some damn reasons, the feelings got infuriated and once the heart is given and I've to accept that inspite to me trying to runaway, I can't take my heart back. I have to accept that I'll be the Internet and Facebook ghost. Even though, my heart might get broken into thousand pieces when I see him with someone, I can't run away. I ran away too many times, deleted too many things related to him, I came back strong again and again and created the same things which I deleted. I'm so ashamed and feel like puking on myself but I've to accept who I am. I've to accept that I am unbelievably loyal to people whom I give my heart and soul. And I go to any length to forgive them. I may not talk or interact with them but they will always hold a place in my heart. Right now, feeling very dejected about myself, but I've to accept that he will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I've to make myself strong to go through whatever he throws at me. I've to accept that even though I'm nothing to him, I can't back off from him after believing in him once upon a time.

Only time will decide on where my craziness will lead me to............
seasons come and seasons go, 
leaves fall or flowers bloom, 
happy, memorable moments come and go,
holidays come and holidays go, 
months and years pass and go, 
your girlfriends come and girlfriends go......
I may run away and be determined to never come back 
but don't believe in any of those as I'll be there like a ghost to watch and think about you 
and make you part of my life even though none of us desire. 
Remember I'm not far away from you, 
you are in every young man I come across, 
you are there in every young couple, 
you are there in every sports game I watch, 
you are there in every twitter message I come across and every time when I check my mail box, 
you are there whenever I see quacking ducks, 
you are there whenever I see water activities, 
you are there whenever I see mini trucks especially Nissan Titan, 
you are there in every romantic movie I watch, 
you are there in my skin and bones, 
you are there in every broken dream, 
you are there in my happiness and even in my sadness...
sometimes in comfortness and sometimes as a pain..........
but you are there in every part of my life even though I don't want you to be there.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Few in spite of short comings, come on top in life

The other day, this thought came to my mind of how Lady Gaga, in spite of her short comings like not having pop divas personality, she made her own identity as a fashion icon. Her being short and not very beautiful or unique face made an identity and represented herself unique and did not fall for God not giving her unique beauty or body to withstand in the music business. That did not stop her to create her own image and uniqueness in this world. Lot of singers has beautiful voice but only few can top the industry. Lady Gaga proved that with beautiful voice and still with short comings, "she", not God created her image with her unique thoughts and creativity.


So, instead of thinking about your short comings, you should create some other image that overcomes your short comings but reflect and make people's eyes fall on the creation , you created. That's what Lady Gaga did. She could have easily over taken or swallowed by the world as she is pretty ordinary girl but she slowly but surely made sure to everybody to follow her based on her twisted way of indecent dressing with beautiful voice. Now, any message she has to pass, our ears and eyes are open for her. That's the power of genius - to come over adversities and raise the victory glass. Basically, nothing can stop anyone other than themselves and their beliefs.

Reading Any Kind Of Book Makes Me zzzzZZZZZzzzz....

I wanted to read books like everybody but not like every other woman who wants to read mystery, murder kind of  novels but comedy which makes me laugh out loud . So, I borrowed this book from the library: Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. So, to make it interesting, I started reading loud and acted out like as if I'm real Chelsea. That made it interesting but only for sometime. The book is so boring. Its almost like I'm reading her twitter messages. Who wants to know her once-upon-a-time how her day passed. Not at all funny book.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Regrets Of My Life

They always say that live your life with no regrets. But life is too long to lead a life with no regrets. The older you become, the wiser you will become and wiser you are, the more you regret about your past deeds.


When I recall my life so far, I came up with five regrets. The once which makes me feel embarassed.


The first regret happened when I was in my early teenage years. For wrong reasons, I showed interest on a boy who used to work as a tailor in front of my house. I was not really interested in him but I wanted him to show interest on me than on my elder sister. Somehow, I managed to do it but when he was totally head over heels for me, I pushed him off thinking that what I was doing with a guy like that and even threw the ring which he gave it to me as a present. I never bothered to explain to him of why I was acting like that but just acted out like don't-bother-me-anymore-ever. After that, he returned to his village and never came back again.

My second regret happened when I was in my late teenage years. After many many years, my childhood friend who was a boy came to see me but instead of greeting him properly, I never even showed up my face. Even though, I wanted to see and meet him, I was shy. But now, if I think about it, who will really understand and think that I didn't meet him because of shyness, it might have looked like being an arrogant person. Now, I can never ever meet him again.

My third regret happened when I was in my early twenties. I was mean, selfish and was not a good friend at all to my friend who was my best friend all throughout my graduation and post graduation years. I used to drive a two wheeler to college. Even though I used to enjoy driving, I was scared to drive alone so wherever I used to go, my friend used to accompany me. I don't remember exactly but some fight happened between us and she stopped coming with me. It was like a death for me as I felt she betrayed me by ditching me as she knows pretty well that I was scared to death to drive alone. That's when I kept a grudge over her so when I got a chance to do a project in my final years of Masters degree, I ditched her when I know for sure that she will get screwed if I don't make her my partner. At that crucial moment, I betrayed her by explaining to myself that nothing is wrong but deep in my conscious I know I did wrong and apparently I still regret. Even though, we have spoken after that incident, we were not able maintain our "good buddies" status. Now, she lives in Florida. She keeps in touch with other classmates but remained distant with me. I wished on her birthday but she won't even wish or remember my birthday.

My fourth regret too happened in early twenties when I finished my Masters and got married the same year. If I had a courage and a right attitude, til now I would have been an IT manager in some reputed company and would have been earning six figure salary but I chose to be something else. I did not plan about my life of how I wanted, what are my future plans, where do I want to be next five years...no thoughts. I was scared to work in America so I told my husband that I want a break for six months before I start my career but that six months turned out to be countless years. I tried to correct that mistake many times in my life but luck never was on my side.

My final and worst regret so far is falling for a young guy. Not even just falling but chasing and leading myself to depression, anxiety and under weight.  Every day when I think of it, I feel like puking, totally disgusted. But trust me, this one, I did not have any control on my brain. I tried so much but my brain kept on pushing me towards him. I just couldn't be away from him. My anxiousness level used to go so high if I did not interact. I had to check for his news everyday or else I used to have nervous break down. I used many ways to stop myself from going to anything which is related to him, but the more I stopped myself, the more worst I used to feel. I wrote countless emotion filled letters, thought every second about a stranger for two and half years. If he did not respond the way I wanted him to, I understand well, his brain was working and mine was not. From Wednesday, from the time I saw him with his new girlfriend, my brain started seeing him as a total stranger. The bond I felt for him finally broken. I can browse on the computer or live alone in a house and don't have to worry of checking on him. Those two things like living alone in the house and browsing on a computer used to worry me so much as I always used to browse for him and used to get caught of him knowing what I am up to but now, I'm firm about deleting my facebook account too and in that way, he will never know anything about my life.


I totally want to vanish from him as I'm so ashamed of myself. I want to forget and think this as a bad dream. I don't want to live every day in sorrow. I don't want to worry about whom he is dating or how she is like or how bad I look or how I am becoming old or about how to dress up to look fabulous like his girlfriends. I can live my life the way I want to without being worried about what he is up to or does he remember me or does he like me or hate me or cursing me or will ever interact with me. I don't care anymore. I am tired of me being tired and gloomy. It used to be such a challenge for me to sit in front of a computer without browsing or researching on his friends to find his current affairs. I was in total mess. Really makes me wonder, how can my brain be so delusional and how can it get corrected by itself and make me look like as if I woke up after a long long time. Wish I could erase each others brain about each other and in that way I don't have to go through regret and foolishness.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

My Thoughts On Taylor Swift

I'm so amazed by her talent and lyric style. She is proving to everyone that you don't need to dress up indecent or shoot videos in sexually provoking away to get fame and name or to be popular. All you need is talent. I like the way her songs take us and make us feel the deep emotion that person is going through. Everybody goes through emotions but only a talented person can express and deliver everything in a song.



Kudos to her. Hope she keeps up her decency all through out her career. That's what makes her beautiful and successful. Tears stream down my face when I see the mess we create for ourselves with relationships. Why can't it be smooth? Why all these complications? Why all these emotions? Sometimes I feel, its better to be selfish, emotionless and thoughtless. At least, it shields us away from pain. Time and time again, its been proven that if one is thinking wise and deeply in love, the other half feels the opposite and there goes the happiness. All left is great depression.