Friday, February 11, 2011

Valentine's Day is Right Around the Corner. I am asking myself...What is Love?

Now a days, I am not sure about "what is love?". Last night, I had a very serious discussion with my husband about love. He asked me whether I love him. I said I don't know but I know for sure that I've affection. Then I asked him whether he is sure of his love. Cause, now a days, I am not sure of anything especially love. I started feeling that love is a temporary illusion state you feel for a person and nothing constructive comes from it.

We talked about Bruno Mars song "Grenade". See, whenever I hear that song especially for this lyrics "I'll catch a grenade for ya, I jump over the train for ya, I'll do anything for ya", critic in me says you are unstable man, that's why you are feeling in that way or maybe temporarily delusional so, for that reason, the girl is questioning you want me to fall for it? Everything is valid and sweet til love is felt on both sides but if only one is feeling then it becomes neurotic. Sad, but it is true.

Today I came across an article about 11 true tales of lovers who snapped. Among those eleven stories, one story caught my eye "A shared moment on a No. 5 train". Patrick Moberg was 21 years old when he saw the “girl of his dreams” on a New York subway train in November 2007. She was wearing blue gym shorts over blue tights, and she had rosy cheeks and a red flower in her hair. Moberg said the pair “shared a moment.” “There’s been a ton of pretty girls I’ve seen on the train, but I just couldn’t shake this one,” he told the New York Post.

So, he dashed home and built an Internet page — — and set about trying to find her. He drew and posted a sketch of the two of them, describing in detail what each of them was wearing when they locked eyes. (He took the added step of writing, “Not insane” on the sketch and pointing to his head with a little arrow.)

And ... guess what? He found her! 

Something truly like this happened with me. If you have read my older posts, you will know what I am talking about.  I went on internet search for a guy with whom I locked my eyes and that every instant we locked, it created an emotional bond with him which led me to being melancholy for past two and half years. And the shadows of it still shows on my face from time to time and now a days my hubby too started noticing. I can't explain what kind of bond it is but I'm sure it is not sexual. It is more of trust and a strong belief that somehow we are connected and know each other for a long long time. That's why it pains so much when I think of moving forward in life. Maybe I want a proof that someone can love me for whom I am that too unconditionally. Maybe I want a proof that shows love really exist, the way movies and songs portray about this immense love for a person which is boundless, not time based or immortal that it can never vanish regardless of how many people come in and out of your life. Maybe I want a proof that anybody can fall in love regardless of who they are, how old they are and what race or ethnicity they are.

Right now, I am in a stage where I can't ask God for help 'cause there is no solution. We can never be anything to each other. All I'm asking God is to make me forget about him totally even though it makes the bond fake or proves that bond was due to mental instability or temporary delusion. Yes, I totally want to forget about him and not chase him on the internet anymore. Whenever bright weather comes up or a rare incident happens like last week when it snowed in Dallas, I thought and felt like talking to him. I felt this connection or a pull towards him as we both were sharing the mother nature's beauty. Like whenever there is hoopla in Dallas over something, I feel like sharing with him the moment. That's when I feel like getting in touch with him.

I truly don't know how last year passed by. The whole year, 365 days, just whooshed by and  for everyday almost every hour, he was in my thoughts, in my world and in my life. How could this be possible? Is this love or mental illness? Why can't I move on with my life or just forget about him? Why this kind of hold he has on me? Would it have happened with others if they locked their eyes with mine? I know for sure he tried to communicate with me indirectly but I don't want to interact with him anymore as I'm not sure about myself nor on him nor on love or this bond. Whenever he interacts, the critic in me raises questions like oh boy! he is just time passing with you or just having fun so that he can gossip with his friends or he is just a vagabond. And when there is no action from him, I feel like he might have forgotten about me...yeah, why should he care, there are so many beautiful girls in this world so why he has to make his life miserable for me. This is never ending see-saw battle. That's why I truly deserve to be away from him as I'm not good in my thinking even though I'm capable of loving someone so deeply.

I know for sure, he won't do any direct talk or any kind of direct action to interact and I made up my mind of never to write any email or send text message or call his cell. I'll test out and wait patiently for the future to answer. If we both have some kind of bond then the future will give us a chance to interact or meet or be in touch forever and will answer "what is love?" til then I'll cross my fingers.

On Today's show, they showed about how fate brought a couple together after twenty years of separation. Good things do happen for people who wait patiently.

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